Winter Song
by The Drowned World
Summary: In the tiny town of Sunnydale, everybody knows everybody's secrets. When the local preacher's son, Xander, meets the mysterious stranger, Angel, it sets off a chain of events that will change Sunnydale and Xander forever. HumanAU, Xander/Angel slash, Fin.
1. Prologue: Runaway

This is my first ever requested fiction, so I'm hoping it turns out okay. This was written for Davinci_1985's Xangel Ficathlon, as requested by:

**Devo79!** Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays all rolled into one for you!

_Requirements:_ Sunshine, Cotton sheets

_Timeline:_ This is a human!AU where Sunnydale, California is a tiny town where everybody knows everybody and is led by very strongly repressive evangelical beliefs, led by Xander's father, the town preacher.

_Rating:_ M – for language and violence, and sex/masturbation/virgin awkwardness

_Warnings_: Slash, AU, and there are religious references all through this story – in fact, it's strongly led by a positive view of faith, so I'm sorry if that offends you

**This is the set-up:** In Sunnydale, California, everybody knows everybody and no one's life is private. **Xander Harris** is the son of Tony Harris, recovering abusive alcoholic who has become Sunnydale's repressive southern Baptist church's preacher. Xander is an idealist who values love and loyalty above everything, and believes that God created everyone and therefore everyone is equal in God's eyes. He wants to escape his parents and the life that they've picked out for him from day one.

**This is the title**: This is named "Winter Song" after the song "Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson on _The Hotel Café Presents: Winter Songs_. It is named after the beauty of the song and soft, plaintive refrain:

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

_This is my winter song_

_December never felt so wrong_

'_Cause you're not where you belong—_

_Inside my arms_

Every chapter has at least one song in it, and this is meant to be read with the song lyrics - this is essentially an enormous songfic using different songs that fit in with the mood/thoughts of the chapters. I will post a final soundtrack list after the end of the story.

**Ensemble:**

**Tony Harris** is a recovered abusive alcoholic, Tony was abused by his father and grew up to believe in a very hateful evangelical Christian point of view. He believes that Xander will grow up to be just like him and run the church.

**Jessica Harris** is a devout young woman who shares her husband's religious views. She was going to become a nun before she met Tony and decided to marry him and help him set up the Church of Sunnydale. She monitors Xander's friends and reputation closely and dreams of sending him to Liberty University, Jerry Falwell's school.

**Willow Rosenberg** is Xander's best friend and is shunned by the entire town due to her being a bisexual, vegan, social & political activist, and a feminist. She is the only one around whom Xander can be himself, and they both make plans to escape Sunnydale as soon as possible.

**Buffy Summers** is the new girl who latches on to Xander and Willow because she hates Sunnydale with a fiery passion and wants to be friends with the two people who don't act like clones of everyone else. She is also smart, funny, and fiercely loyal to her friends.

**Cordelia Chase** is the beauty queen of Sunnydale who plans on marrying Xander at some point in the future, mainly because of Xander's parents' power in the community and that Xander is the only one besides Buffy that ever stands up to Cordelia and her Cordettes.

**Tara McClay **is the painfully shy poet in Xander's Wednesday night Bible studies groups, and he shelters her from her father, who he suspects is abusive. Xander can't help but notice Tara's poetry…and they way Tara eyes Willow when she thinks no one is watching.

**Spike and Drusilla** are the local badasses of Sunnydale, and are reluctant friends of Xander's because Xander is friends with everybody. They share a past with Angel that no one knows about, and they're not telling. No one's sure about anything with Spike & Dru, and they plan on keeping it that way.

And then there's **Angel**, the mysterious, gorgeous twenty-year-old with secrets of his own who lives in a small apartment at the center of town…

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Prologue: Runaway

_And I wonder_

_How long it would take them_

_To see my bed is made_

_And I wonder_

_If I was a mistake_

_I know that I have nowhere else to go_

_But I know that I cannot go home_

_These voices trapped inside my head_

_Tell me to run before I'm dead_

"Runaway" by P!nk (_I'm Not Dead_)

The fights had never been as bad as this, and he'd lived through a lot of them.

He heard his mom sobbing and his dad yelling and he buried his head even further in his pillows. He felt like a three year old, but still, he'd learned a long time ago that it was easier to pretend that they weren't fighting than to deal with the knowledge that they were, and that it was his fault…_again_.

It hurt to move. The pain was a comfort, almost; it kept him grounded and let him know that he was still alive. The thing to remember here was that he _was_ alive, and he knew what he was going to do. Xander had always felt better with a plan, even when the choice was a bad one.

Still, there wasn't anything else left to do here. He was no longer welcome here, and there was nothing else for it. He'd die in the place they wanted to send him, and he'd had enough. Enough pretending, enough trying to not see the truth that was staring him in the face this whole time. He had to leave, get out of this miserable little town with its miserable people before it smothered him to death the way that it had his parents and his friends' parents, and pretty much everyone else in the tiny little town of Sunnydale, California.

He touched the swollen mark his father's drunken fist had left on his face and winced. He'd have to check himself out in the mirror and see how bad it looked, before he headed outside. He had an appointment to keep, one that he could not afford to miss. It was the one thing that he _needed_ to do in this town, with the one person he _needed_ it to be with. One last goodbye, as it were, before he cut the ties and disappeared without ever looking back.

He got up and headed to the stereo, flipped it onto the rock station and turned it up just loud enough to drown out the angry throb of voices below but not loud enough to attract any attention upstairs. It wouldn't do for them to drag him out of his room while he was busy planning his escape from them.

Heading to the mirror above his desk, Xander surveyed his appearance in the mirror. His cheeks were flushed but that was more from emotion than anything. His father had never been a physically strong man, and he was even worse when he had been drinking, thank God. Xander's eye was a little red but the swelling was so small that it'd likely be gone in an hour, if that. He looked deeper, willing the mirror to tell him what it saw.

What he saw was a flushed, nervous, excited, scared, angry, happy seventeen-year-old boy, with cute chocolate-brown puppy eyes, an expressive smile, and soft brown hair cut into an attractive spiking length. He hoped that this would work – no, he _prayed_ that this would work because if he got rejected in this then he knew he would never work up the courage to actually _leave_.

He turned away from the mirror resolutely and locked his door, throwing a duffel bag on top of his bed. He needed to pack light but also well enough to last. He threw in four changes of underwear, three changes of socks, five shirts, one dress shirt, two pairs of jeans and one pair of work-type khakis. He'd wear another pair of jeans, a plain white shirt and his prize possession: his grandfather's black leather jacket.

His grandfather had given it to him on his sixteenth birthday, with the air of a solemn occasion. "Xander," he'd said gravely, but with a twinkling light in his old blue eyes and a slight smile on his lips, "I wasn't sure if I was ever going to pass this on, but I can see that same restless look to you that I had in me when I was your age. I wore this jacket through all my travels, and it took me to war and back and kept me in one piece. I wore this jacket when I met your grandmother, and we've been married going on forty years now. You take care of this jacket and it'll take care of you."

It had been the best present Xander had ever gotten in his life. He needed its luck now, more than ever. He wanted to stop by his grandparents' house on the way out of town but he knew that after this last month his parents would be calling his grandparents, and likely damn near everyone else in this miserable little town where you couldn't even go to the grocery store without everyone knowing what you were going to buy.

He wasn't brave enough to face his grandfather. Maybe he'd write them a note, let them know that he was okay. God knew they'd been more parents to him than his own at times.

He packed his portable CD player and a pair of headphones. He was only taking his five most prized records with him. He also grabbed an old, beat-up copy of _Dune_ by Frank Herbert, his favorite book (another gift from his grandparents). He put enough money in his wallet for his purposes and then he took the can of cash that he'd been saving for the past two years working the cash register at Pop's, the local sandwich shop, two afternoons a week, in a hidden compartment he'd sewed into his duffel bag for just this reason. A little over $2,000 wasn't going to last him long, but it was enough to start with.

Then he was done, and it was time. He sighed as he looked at the dresser and debated taking the picture with him. With what he was planning now, it didn't seem appropriate, and neither of them would likely ever want to speak with him again. But still…he couldn't just leave their memories behind. They had been the only ones who'd kept him alive in this stifling old town, the only ones that had kept him _here_ when his entire being had been screaming at him to leave for years now.

He cursed to himself and grabbed the picture frame, dropping it on top of his duffle bag and zipping it closed. He checked the clock – 7:12 p.m. It was now or never. He took one last look around, imprinting, and then clicked the stereo off, ducked over to the window, dropped the bag to the bushes below. He waited to make sure that his parents hadn't noticed and then he climbed outside, hanging off of the frame until his feet were only about six feet off the ground. He dropped down the last six feet, absorbing the impact with his knees bent.

He didn't look through the windows; he'd keep the memories of his parents that he'd chosen, not the ones of them that they had forced on him these last few months. He shouldered the bag and set off to Angel's and he didn't look back once as the sun set behind him.

**A/N:** I would just like to note that this story will be posted on my LiveJournal (.com), but I've posted it here first because I always post my fanfiction on first. To all readers of _the Passion of Angels and Demons_, this story is already about done, so I'll be posting this a few chapters at a time while I'm working on _Passion_.

Authors love feedback!


	2. Chapter 1: What I Am

A/N: Hello again! I'm not sure if I'm going to be updating the entire thing or not, but I just might wait a little in between posts, it all depends. In any case, I'd just like to reiterate that this is meant to have all the song lyrics in it, and they sort of move with the characters/story. I'm also going to be trying to keep these chapters shorter than the epic-length ones that I've been writing lately.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 2: What I Am

_Philosophy_

_Is the talk on the cereal box_

_Religion_

_Is the smile on a dog_

_Oh, I'm not aware of too many things_

_I know what I know if you know what I mean_

"What I Am" by Edie Brickell & New Bohemians (_The Ultimate Collection_)

Xander Harris and Willow Rosenberg had been best friends for ages, in the tiny little town of Sunnydale that they called home. They both hated it in their own way – Xander despised how stifling it was, how everyone knew everybody else and you never had any secrets because your neighbors felt so entitled to _know_ everything about you. Willow, on the other hand, hated it because of the ignorance – she was an extremely smart girl who was probably the only Wiccan/Vegan/environmentalist/feminist/social rights activist/bisexual within 100+ miles of Sunnydale.

They had both been making plans to escape it as soon as they graduated since they hit the age of ten. Willow was going to have an easier time of it than Xander, though, considering that colleges had been attempting to woo her with varying degrees of success since she had entered ninth grade in junior high school.

Xander Harris was the only son of Tony Harris, who was the pastor of Sunnydale Baptist, the largest and most successful church in all of Sunnydale. His mother, Jessica, had given up her dreams of being a nun to follow her crush and marry Tony after she had been volunteering at a local AA meeting. Tony was recovering from a three year binge and was saying that God had purposefully stopped him from dying of drink to preach the Holy Word.

They were the holiest of holier-than-thous in all of California, and Xander was more than expected to follow in their footsteps. It had been the talk of the entire town when little Xander had put his little foot down and flat out refused to be bussed out of Sunnydale to go to a parochial school in Oxnard. His parents had allowed him to go to normal school on the agreement that he take extra religious classes and help teach at church every Wednesday night.

He was not technically allowed to associate with Willow, but they turned a blind eye as long as he was inside school. They had absolutely no idea that Xander hated their religion, resented the way that they had forced him to grow up, hated that he was the only school that had an excuse to not attend _any_ science classes lest Sunnydale High receive a lawsuit, and spent many nights sneaking out his bedroom window to meet Willow at the Bronze, the tiny little nightclub that Sunnydale housed. Parents (many times led by Tony and Jessica) had attempted to shut the establishment down many times but there had been such an outcry from anyone 25 and younger that they had been forced to abandon the idea.

Xander figured that they should have been more grateful that he wasn't going out to the city limits to hang at the wharf and party at the Fish Tank, the rankest bar in town.

According to the plan of Xander's life, he would be sent away from Sunnydale as soon as he turned 18 to a Christian college where he could study to take over his father's position. His parents had bought him a place in class when he turned fifteen, and that had been his birthday present that year. He had absolutely no choice in the matter, but they never took that into consideration – how could any son of theirs not want to leap at the opportunity? He could take over his father's church and lead the flock, marry a decent girl and have a big family.

Truth was, Xander had a pretty open mind when it came to anything. He'd learned from his parent's judgments and oppression and repression how valuable a skill it was to be able to value the differences in other people, and yourself. His parents didn't want to know what other religions were about, but Xander had spent hours at the tiny Sunnydale library reading up on them all.

In his humble opinion, God was an ambiguous figure that came to people in a variety of shapes and sizes. What Xander believed was that as long as the 'god' that you worshipped told you peace on earth and goodwill towards men, then that was still god. It was only when people killed over their beliefs that things went wonky. He figured that God was probably a woman.

He also read a lot of science (and Willow instructed him in some of it, too). It was the gay thing that really hung him up, because he'd talked Willow through some times when she'd been attacked for it, too. He'd asked his parents about it and his mother had gone white and his father had ranted for about fifteen minutes about "faggots" and then turned it into his sermon the next Sunday. Xander had been shaken at the sheer amount of vitriol that had spewed from his father that day and decided to never ask about it again.

Still, despite everything, Xander loved his parents, as most people do. He took the trash out and he mowed the lawn and cleaned the tacky Christian ornaments that littered the flowerbeds. He wasn't the brainiest type but with Willow's careful tutoring he at least ranged from low C's to mid-B's. He did his homework and when he did sneak out it was only after his parents were asleep so they wouldn't worry.

Otherwise, his friends would have to come to the front door and talk all about Christian study groups whenever he went out so his parents would let him. They never knew that Willow was his best friend for life and he didn't tell them. He'd made a habit of not actually revealing himself to anyone but Willow. He was comfortable with repression, with fitting in the lines and trying to play peacemaker with everyone.

He figured that it all would have stayed that way if it wasn't for two things: the new girl in school, and by extension of the new girl, _him_.

**A/N:** I would just like to reiterate: THIS IS NOT MEANT AS AN ATTACK ON ANYONE'S RELIGION, just a criticism of one particular branch of Christianity (evangelical). Please keep in mind that this IS fiction, and should not be taken too seriously.

Authors love feedback!


	3. Chapter 2: Cat Fight

A/N: Okay, so I've decided that I'm going to finish updating through the next chapter, and then I'll pause for a little bit. I think. I might get stir-crazy and decide to keep posting, because I feel very strongly about this story and I'm actually fairly proud of it thus far. So, here we're going to meet the new girl, Buffy Summers.

Please note that any references to the show are made as a sort of joke. This is the first Human!verse that I've ever done, so I'm experimenting with it and having a ball. Anyway, no copyright infringment is intended, blah blah blah. You guys know the rest.

**Important Note - Any and all mistakes in transcribing song lyrics is my own fault, so if I've gotten some lines wrong, feel free to correct me.**

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 2: Cat Fight

_Back alley cat fight made me get my water pistol from Chinatown out_

_Pink dragon with light blue horns spits a stream of water from its mouth like fire_

_And I hit them with a toy like that_

_I'm back in bed just like that_

_But now it's six a.m._

_My head is spinning_

_Neighbors yelling_

_Want to know which cat was winning_

_Cat fight_

_Everyone loves a cat fight_

_For their sick minds_

_Don't give them what they want_

_Cat fight_

_Everyone loves a cat fight_

_For their sick minds_

_Don't give them what they want_

"Cat Fight" by Dance Hall Crashers (_Tru Calling [Original Television Soundtrack]_)

Her name was Buffy Summers, and she was the item of town gossip for more than a month.

Buffy was completely shell-shocked and had latched on to Willow as a best friend because, according to her, "everyone else in this town is a freaking _clone_, like totally Stepford-y!"

Buffy was from Los Angeles, likely the most exotic place that Xander could think of. She'd been expelled from her school because she had problems with authority. That was what she said, but then the whole story came spilling out and suddenly everyone avoided her like a leper. She'd apparently gotten pretty hot n' heavy with this guy Pike until he'd taken it a step too far. They'd gotten into a big fight and because there was some alcohol on the floor when she punched him in the face his cigarette fell and lit the whole school gymnasium on fire.

They'd both escaped with superficial burns ("The whole thing was his fault, and he _still_ looked at me like 'huh?' when I told him that I was still dumping him") but she'd been expelled for skipping classes, other fights (she wasn't violent by nature but she stuck up for herself and tried to get other girls interested in self-defense), sneaking alcohol on campus and assault. Not to mention the fire thing.

Xander was, of course, utterly forbidden from associating with her, even on school grounds. His parents were mortified what it would do to his reputation, since he already hung out with Willow. Of course, by then he'd gotten quite used to not informing his parents what went on during school hours, and they didn't bother to ask. Sometimes the distance that was steadily growing between him and his parents depressed him, like the Grand Canyon, steadily widening over the years.

Buffy escaped most weekends to visit her father, where she gleefully abused his credit cards and bought herself new clothes, shoes, and nearly half the items in Bath & Body Works. Although Xander and Willow had their friendly suspicions over whether Buffy was an actual blonde, she was certainly bubbly enough. In fact, most people had the same assumptions about Buffy's intelligence level as they did about Cordelia's.

Xander knew from experience that they were wrong on both counts. What Cordelia didn't have in book smarts she more than made up for in sheer worldly smarts; Xander had his suspicions that she would make a hell of a lawyer – most of her amazing grades came from leveling arguments and threats with her teachers.

Buffy actually _had_ book smarts; she'd scored high on her SAT's and when she ever bothered to do homework she aced her classes. She was determined to live life to the fullest, but she never let it get too far out of hand (well, except for Pike, but that was a pretty extreme set of circumstances). She also didn't mind standing up for her friends and for what she believed in.

She and Cordelia were officially pledged mortal enemies because when they first met Buffy had told Cordelia right where to stick it after Cordelia had verbally attacked Willow. Later that week she'd felt obliged to break Larry the Cro-Magnon football player's nose after he'd tried to feel her up in the halls, and Xander and Willow had adopted her into their little unorthodox family of friends.

Buffy was fascinated by the Bronze – according to her the only good nightclubs near her upper-crust area of Los Angeles were only open to adults ("Retarded policies, really; I mean, teenagers would bring _so_ much money in and _look_ at me! Do I _look_ like a drunk?!"). She instantly fell in love with the place and Xander and Willow found themselves Bronzing it even more than they used to. She was horrified at Xander's curfews.

Xander actually found himself growing quite close to Buffy in those first few months. At first he'd managed to convince himself that he was crushing on her but he realized after he got over that initial awkwardness that it wasn't really Buffy herself he was…attracted to, for lack of a better term; it was that odd core of strength in her that he wanted so badly for himself. He wished he had her guts, her determination and drive. Instead he had her friendship, which in itself was just as good.

Buffy and Willow quickly developed a bond beyond what Xander and Willow had, but he wasn't anywhere near jealous. Sometimes Willow got a little meek, a little quiet. Buffy had a way of drawing the spit and spirit out of Willow and Xander couldn't help but feel happiness at the sisterly bond between them. Somehow he had a feeling that Buffy's friends from LA hadn't been all that close with her.

The three quickly became family away from family. Xander couldn't spend the night but he could certainly try forgetting his parents and their unrelenting campaign to force him into a Tony Harris shaped mold and then ignore the large parts of him that didn't fit. One thing that Xander truly appreciated about becoming Buffy's friend was that he got to meet her mother, and it was clear from the beginning that it was the female side of that family tree that gave Buffy her strength, stubbornness, and moral compass.

Mrs. Summers was a quiet and very polite woman who Xander instantly took a liking to. She was warm and friendly and in Xander's opinion exactly what a mother should be like. Buffy had been complaining about being grounded for sneaking out at one point and then she'd promptly stopped complaining when Mrs. Summers met Principle Snyder, the worst principle ever, and got into a toe-to-toe shouting match when he'd made his usual sarcastic, cutting remarks about his students.

Needless to say, Buffy Summers didn't exactly make a quiet entrance to Sunnydale.

**A/N:** I'm actually really groovin' on this whole not writing long chapters thing. It's been an exercise in conciseness; I'm learning what I can tell in fewer pages, so the inner descriptions have to be more intense and less cluttered. It's a good way to organize thoughts.

In any case, the first time I ever heard this song "Cat Fight" was on the Tru Calling soundtrack (I don't know if the show has an actual soundtrack, there just seems to be an accepted track listing circulating the internet) and I instantly thought of it when I introduced Buffy and described how she met Cordelia. If anyone knows what album that actually came off of, I'll list it as that later.

Feedback feeds the author's insanity!


	4. Chapter 3: Be My Escape

A/N: Okay, I THINK this is going to be the last post for today. I'm not sure. But in any case, this is the last post for this moment in time (about 1:30 in the afternoon) so I think I've gotten a lot accomplished since I woke up this morning.

If I ever manage to get this thing up on LJ I'll let you guys know so that you can see it there. I'm about to go post something on the _xangel community homepage to let everyone know that I've met the requirements and wrote the story.

**Note on the Timeline** -- This assumes that Buffy moved in during Junior year. This chapter is the summer break before Senior year starts. I will not be including Faith in this story because I simply don't have a place for her, no matter how much I love her character. Dawn also did not fit into this, even though I do quite like her.

On with the show!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 3: Be My Escape

_I've given up on giving up slowly_

_I'm blending in so you won't even know me_

_Apart from this whole world who shares my fate_

_This one last bullet you mention_

_Is my one last shot at redemption_

_Because I know to live you must give your life away_

_And I've been housing all this doubt_

_And insecurity_

_And I've been locked inside that house_

_All the while you hold the key_

_And I've been dying to get out_

_And that might be the death of me_

_And even though there's no way of knowing where to go_

_Promise I'm going because_

_I've gotta get out of here_

_I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake_

_I gotta get out of here_

_And I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you_

_To be my escape_

"Be My Escape" by Reliant K (_mmhmm_)

Buffy, Xander and Willow had become pretty much inseparable by the end of eleventh grade. They had a bond closer than siblings; Xander came to rely on their meetings like a drug that he couldn't stop, because when he was with Buffy and Willow he could make dumb jokes and be loud and obnoxious and he didn't have to worry about it. At home his parents had taken to filling his bedroom with pamphlets to different Christian colleges. In particular, they wanted to send Xander to Liberty University – it was probably a life goal of his father's to have a personal meeting with Jerry Falwell. The thought made Xander want to vomit.

"Virginia?" Buffy asked in disbelief. "What kind of cretins _are_ your parents?"

It had become a rule from the very beginning of their friendship that Buffy did not meet his parents. He could tell that she was a little hurt that her reputation had gotten bad enough that his parents couldn't know that they were best friends, but she was good enough to not say anything about it. What he really hated was when he walked Buffy and Willow home before heading off to some church meeting or other that he had to go to; watching Buffy give her mother a hug as her mom came home from work would have been bad enough without the pity in Buffy's eyes that she couldn't seem to suppress.

Xander led the youth group on Monday and Wednesday nights; his parents wanted to make it meet on Friday nights as well but Xander had managed to convince them that no one would want to come because that was the night at the end of the week when parents could take their kids out. Nothing motivated the Harris family more than hearing Xander talk about the traditional family unit (he could practically see the fantasies of a preacher family with nine kids growing in his mother's eyes), so they didn't have to know that immediately after dinner he snuck out his bedroom windows to meet Buffy and Willow at the Bronze.

That whole summer would always stand out in Xander's mind as pure gold. His parents were much more relaxed with his schedule over the summer because he always got his chores done, so they didn't mind that he was almost never at home.

At Willow's house he and Buffy laughed their asses off when Willow "accidentally" hacked into Snyder's home computer and found a huge collection of teacher porn stored in carefully labeled files and subfolders on his desktop – apparently he was so anal retentive that he couldn't even keep his straight-as-a-ruler lifestyle from his pornography (Xander, who hadn't had much opportunity to watch porn, watched some of the movies with a weird feeling in his stomach as Buffy and Willow stood by saying stuff like "Well, I guess blonde's _not_ her natural color!" and "Does she think those tit implants are fooling _anyone_?!").

At Buffy's house Willow read a book under the huge oak tree in the backyard while Buffy exasperatedly tried to teach Xander how to throw a proper punch: "The thumb goes _out of the fist_, Xander!"

Although he felt kind of weird about the Wiccan aspects of it, Willow taught them the best way to grow herbs in the garden, from one of her dusty old tomes (Willow's house had an addition built onto it that was a huge library: each of the four walls was a wall of books, and the one to the left was entirely Willow's; her family had enough books to nearly fill it all). At night Xander and Buffy got their hands dirty as they dug holes in the garden and planted cherry tomatoes and zucchini (Buffy just liked saying the word "zucchini").

They went to the Bronze at least once a week, too. There Xander and Willow watched as Buffy flirted and fell for the cute, muscular Owen Thurman, and then promptly dumped him two days later. "Why?" Willow had asked, horrified (she'd had a crush on Owen at some point – "He can brood for forty-five minutes straight; I've _clocked_ him," she'd confessed to Xander after he'd plied her with Coke).

"Because on our way home this weird guy came up to us and started screaming about Hell and then he tried to hit Owen. It was a huge fight and I had to slam the freak into a wall and then run to get Owen to stop trying to fight it out. He told me the next morning that nearly getting killed had never made him feel so alive, and he wants to go out to dark alleys at night and pick fights to get the rush again – _freak_," Buffy said acidly. Xander had a feeling that she was actually quite a bit more sad about this than she was letting on, but he was smart enough to not say anything about it.

He brought Buffy and Willow to his group on Wednesday night, so his parents wouldn't know about it. He figured that he could make it a bit more exciting by bringing in the "wrong element." According to Willow, Wiccans thought all gods were basically the same, so she felt perfectly comfortable in church. Buffy was fairly bored but she thought that it would be funny to shake up the "clones."

It turned out that he was right; when he introduced them there was a huge gasp from half the group and Buffy sashayed to a chair right next to Scott Hope, sitting down with a big production. Willow was a tad more uncomfortable with all the eyes on her so she sat down next to the quietest girl. Xander had intentionally left that chair open for either Buffy or Willow.

The girl's name was Tara McClay, and she was likely the kindest, most beautiful, and saddest girl that Xander had ever met. She was painfully shy and when she did talk she had a nervous stutter. She had problems meeting men's eyes and Xander had awful suspicions about her father. He went out of his way to make sure that she didn't have to talk to anyone that she didn't want to and he tended to turn a blind eye if she took out her notebook to draw and write her poetry. Once she'd let him read some of it, and he'd told her that she was amazing. Blushing fiery red, she'd whipped it shut, but since then she hadn't had as much trouble talking to him directly.

He was hoping that someone as friendly as Buffy or as calming as Willow might help to bring Tara out of her shell. He amended that to out of her closet as well when he caught the helpless way that Willow and Tara were eyeing each other, and he and Buffy both caught each other's eye and smiled before looking away.

"Okay, group," Xander started. "Why does the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego mean so much for the world today?"

He had a feeling that Buffy was a little surprised at how well he taught the group, but Xander had to admit that he had a bit of a weakness for teaching. The truth was, he never talked about many stories from the Old Testament; he preferred the teachings of Jesus. He loved his religion, he loved the knowledge that people could find pillars of strength in God and that any sinner could truly repent in their heart and find peace through God.

It was just when that teaching was twisted by people that it got a little scary.

By the end of class everyone had stopped staring at Buffy, particularly when she'd said right off the bat "It means that as long as you're strong in your faith that there's protection for you, even if it doesn't feel like it." Willow and Tara spoke in whispers through most of the meeting, and to Xander's pleased surprise Tara let Willow look at her latest drawing.

"Okay, guys, that was great. I've got three pizzas in the kitchen and there should still be some Dr. Pepper cans in the fridge. See you guys next Monday," Xander said after the hour was up. When he looked up he froze in fear. His mom was standing at the head of the group, and he thanked his stars that Willow had taken Tara off to the kitchen for some caffeine.

His mom was staring at Buffy in shock, until Buffy turned around and with more grace than Xander had ever given her credit for, she stood up and offered her hand to his mother, who shook it automatically. "You must be Mrs. Harris," Buffy said warmly. "Xander talks about you a lot in class – isn't there that verse in John about the value of sisters of the lord?"

It had to be the most skillful amount of brownnosing that Xander had ever seen. With that one sentence his mother was melting and suddenly Xander had the ability to let Buffy come over to his house, as long as they stayed in either the yard, the kitchen, or the living room – supervised, of course. It made Buffy laugh when they pretended they couldn't see his mom carefully ignoring them through the kitchen window as they sat out talking in the lawn chairs.

Xander and Buffy saw a little less of Willow that final month. She and Tara had become fast friends, but Xander could tell that for Tara at least it was a little more than that. When he asked Willow about that, she'd blushed but she'd also gone a little quiet. "I think I really like her, Xander – like, _really_ like her," Willow had said slowly. "When she's around it's like the rest is just background noise, you know?"

He didn't know; he'd never actually felt like that with any girl before, but he nodded anyway. "But…I don't think that I'll ever have the guts to tell her."

"Why?" he asked, confused.

"Because of her family," Willow said sadly. "Tara's…not treated well. And Mr. McClay is pretty misogynistic. I think if he ever found out that his daughter was a lesbian it would be even worse than it is now. I don't know how she has the strength to be as kind and good as she is, living with that."

"I think…that maybe, even if you couldn't be together, really together," Xander said slowly, "you should tell her. If I were Tara, I'd want to know. I'd want that to make it through – she only has one year left in there until she can leave, and then she'd know that there _was_ something waiting for her when she escapes."

"I love you, Xander," Willow had replied, her eyes a little tearful, and they'd hugged harder than they had since before Buffy had come to town. When he'd told Buffy about it later she'd sighed.

"I thought it might be like that. It makes me sick thinking of Tara going through something like that – I mean, she's so _nice_," Buffy said. "I'm thinking about telling my mom about it, she'd do something big time."

"I don't know if Tara needs more stress," Xander had said.

"Sometimes, you're too nice for your own good," Buffy had said, and they'd both started laughing as they headed down to her kitchen to make peanut butter and honey sandwiches.

Xander had never wanted that summer to end, and when it did it was like a crushing weight had fallen down on top of him. With the approach of senior year it was the end of his freedom. He'd have to follow his father's footsteps or…he just didn't have anything else. He walked into school that year not expecting anything different, but life doesn't work like that.

Instead, Xander met _him_ and it was like he woke up, like everything had shattered and then nothing was ever the same again.

**A/N:** If my memory banks serve, you actually WILL meet Angel in the next chapter - or, if not Angel, then at least Spike. Until next time I post (which could be TODAY, you never know)!

Feedback grows writer's-block-devouring mold!


	5. Chapter 4: Temptation Waits

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 4: Temptation Waits

_I'll tell you something_

_I am a wolf but_

_I like to wear sheep's clothing_

_I am a bonfire_

_I am a vampire_

_I'm waiting for my moment_

_You come on like a drug (temptation waits)_

_I just can't get enough (here's to your fate)_

_I'm like an addict coming at you for a little more (can't stay much longer)_

_And there's so much at stake (temptation waits)_

_I can't afford to waste (I heard you say)_

_I never needed anybody like this before (don't say it's over)_

_I'll tell you something_

_I am a demon…_

"Temptation Waits" by Garbage (_Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album_)

When school let back in it was hard to tell whether Willow or Buffy was more excited. Xander tried to rally some of the 'end of high school' high feeling, but he couldn't hide his fear of the end of the year too well. It became an unspoken rule that they wouldn't talk about it. Instead they talked about the girls' college plans. Buffy wanted to apply to Northwestern, while Willow had her pick of just about every college in the country and beyond.

"I just don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life," Willow told them. "I mean, I love science and technology and there are days when I want to work in a lab and discover things and maybe work on a cure for cancer or AIDS or something worthwhile…but then I think about all the psychology and soft sciences that I love and I think, 'oh, well, I want to go somewhere with good psych and creative writing courses.' It's just all so confusing!"

"You think _you've_ got it bad?" Buffy said grumpily. "My mom told me that I could have a bright future as a _police_ officer!"

"Police?" Willow gasped.

"As in polyester, lies and brutality?" Xander echoed, horrified.

"Police," Buffy confirmed grimly.

"Well, _I_ can see it – Officer Summers, the frumpy police chick who pulls over all the hot girls because she's jealous," Cordelia commented as she walked past them.

"Oh, shut up," Buffy said irritably. "What do you suppose _you're_ gonna do with _your_ life? You're probably gonna be one of the dime-a-dozen plastic surgeried models tramping around LA, and end up screwing some sleazeball just to get a guest spot as one of the models on 'The Price is Right!'"

"Oh my God!" Cordelia screamed, and ran off down the corridor, a flock of Cordettes tittering behind her as they tried to calm her down.

"Ouch, Buffy," Xander commented cheerfully.

"Honestly, why does she even talk to us? I mean, what does she get out of it?" Buffy asked as they headed into the building.

"She's trying to get into Xander's pants," a British accent drawled from behind them.

"Spike?" Xander asked skeptically. And sure enough, there he was, the platinum-blond rebel rocker born again, looking at him with a big smirk on his face.

"What's up, pet?" Spike said genially. Xander burst into a huge grin and hugged him. The British punk awkwardly patted him on the back a couple of times until Xander let him down. "Still doin' that? I got a reputation to watch!" Spike complained.

"Who is this?" Buffy asked, a little distastefully. Spike eyed her interestedly.

"You finally scoring a girlfriend, Xander?" he asked. "Thought the 'rents would never let you give up your sweet virginity." Spike affected the pose of a saint. Xander blushed furiously.

"She's not my girlfriend!"

"Well, who is she then?" he asked.

"I'm Buffy," Buffy introduced herself.

"Your name is _Buffy_?" Spike crowed.

"Your name is _Spike_?" Buffy echoed sarcastically. "I thought it would be more like, oh, Billy Idol or Sid Vicious, fanboy."

"Bimbo, this is _my_ look," Spike said, insulted.

"Yeah, from the seventies," Buffy tossed back.

"What are you doing back in town, Spike?" Willow asked, stepping between them. "I thought you got expelled!"

"I _did_," Spike said lackadaisically. "I got my GED. Turned nineteen last month, and since I'm back in town I figured I'd drop in and see how you losers have been doing without me."

"We've been good," Xander said, trying to look cool. He could tell he wasn't doing that great of a job with it when Spike did his usual eyebrow cock at him and Xander flushed in embarrassment. Buffy was eyeing the both of them speculatively, and Xander wondered what she was thinking. "Um…how's Drusilla?" he asked after a moment, trying to think of something to say.

"She's all good. We're staying with a friend because I'm working at the Bronze till we can get our own place." Spike sounded a little tense about the situation and Xander didn't feel like prying into what was such an obvious sore subject.

"I thought you hated it here," Willow said, confused. "Why are you back?"

"Because all my friends are here," Spike said with a sunny grin.

"Yeah, right," Xander shot at him.

"Well…okay. We're a little broke right now and the old Sunnyhell's pretty cheap to live in right now. In California that's a good thing," Spike said with a grin.

Just then the bell rang and he gestured towards the door. "You three'd better scurry in. Wouldn't want to miss the Nazi's speech."

"Well, we're going to the Bronze tonight," Xander said quickly. "Are you going to be there?"

"Sure thing – I'll tell Dru to drop in. You lot can meet Angel," Spike said with an odd smile playing on his lips.

"_Angel_?" Buffy asked. "You hang out with weird people, Xander."

"You're one to talk, pet," Spike said with a flirtatious grin. Buffy rolled her eyes and walked away, but she was smirking a little when she did. Spike had a way of making you like him before you realized that you liked him.

"Who's Angel?" Xander asked, intrigued.

"You'll see," Spike said cryptically, and headed for his car.

"Come on, Xander!" Willow called, and Xander hurried to catch up with his friends. So Spike was back in town – huh.

***

"Oh. My. God," Buffy said as they headed out of the auditorium, two hours later. "I've _never_ sat through an opening speech that long and _that_ boring at the same time."

"We're used to it," Willow said tiredly. "Most of us sleep through it and then the school day is already almost over when it's done."

"I drooled," Xander commented absently as he wiped his mouth off and headed for the drinking fountain.

"Okay, since we couldn't talk in there," Buffy said after a moment. "Who the heck is that Spike guy and since when do you hang out with cute British guys?"

"Spike is an old friend," Willow said. "He moved here in seventh grade after his mom made him come here from England when she split with his dad. He was crazy; he got in fights and set stuff on fire and smoked cigarettes. Xander was the only one brave enough to talk to him and he actually got him coming to church meetings for a while."

"You bonded with a guy like _that_ over _church_?" Buffy asked, amazed. "You live dangerously, Xander."

"Well, Spike's not always like that," Xander said, quick to defend him. "You know, he's really loyal and he always sticks with you. I know he's got a bad rep but I don't think he came from a really happy home. And he's funny, and he's actually really smart, he just doesn't like to show people. He writes poetry."

"He writes _poetry_?" Willow asked, amused. "You never told me that!"

"Well, he kind of made me swear under pain of death, so technically you didn't just hear that," Xander said.

"What was all that noise about Xander and Cordelia?" Buffy asked with a grin. Xander sighed and Willow started laughing.

"Honestly, Willow, it's _not_ funny," Xander said after a moment with as much dignity as he could muster.

"Yeah it is!" Willow said through her laughter.

"What?" Buffy asked, laughing herself. Xander sighed.

"Well, you know Cordelia has a history of trying to rule this town," Willow said once she'd stopped laughing. "She told everyone that she was going to marry Xander in ninth grade once she'd given him a makeover, and it actually went into that yearbook!"

"As what?"

"Best couple!"

They were both laughing so hard they were almost falling over and Xander sighed. "I tried to burn all the copies but they caught me," he said tragically. All three of them started snorting, and then when Cordelia passed by in the courtyard they couldn't stop laughing.

"Dear god," Buffy said after a moment. "I have to pee!"

Willow went with her in that odd form of girl solidarity whereas they always went to the bathroom in pairs. Xander waited for them until they finally came back out again, a little more sober.

"Took you long enough," he drawled.

"Oh, shut up," Willow said, without heat. They turned and headed for the hallways – they had a couple of different classes this year because most of Xander's were electives since he'd already passed the core math and science and English requirements. Buffy was a slightly more advanced track and Willow left for the early periods to take courses at Sunnydale College. As they walked, Xander caught Buffy staring at him out of the corner of her eye with an odd look on her face.

"What?" he said uncomfortably.

"Can I ask you guys a question?" Buffy asked.

"Sure," he said guardedly.

"Did you and Spike ever go out?"

"What? Me and Spike? Oh, no – _so_ not my type," Willow said with a bit of a giggle. "Why, thinking about doing some manwatching?"

"No! No, I mean, Xander – did _you_ and Spike ever date?"

"_What_?" Xander asked. The question felt weird and he felt like the smile on Buffy's face was mean, somehow. "Why would you – I'm _straight_," Xander said angrily. He couldn't even explain to himself _why_ he was so angry, but he was.

"Okay," Buffy said quickly. "I just meant you were kind of vibing—"

"What? Is it against the law for guys to be friends?" Xander snapped.

"No!" Buffy said, starting to get angry. "I just meant—"

"Yeah, yeah," Xander said angrily, and stomped off. He felt awful and kind of sick and he didn't want to think about the hurt look on Willow's face. He didn't want to think about anything but the sick feeling of anger coursing through him and he didn't even pause to respond to Cordelia when she said something to him and smiled at him in the halls, usually grounds for a national holiday.

He went through the rest of the day in a kind of blur, and twice his teachers asked if he was okay. Buffy and Willow found him near the end of the day and hesitantly asked him if he wanted to go to the Bronze that night.

"Yeah," he said. He couldn't be home right now, didn't want to be in that stifling prison where there were chores lists and college pamphlets and Bible verses stitched over everything. He told his parents that he was meeting up with Tara at the church (which he technically was) and they told him to remember to be back home by 11:30, at the latest.

Xander put his clothes in a duffle bag and headed out the back to the Church of Sunnydale, where Buffy, Willow and Tara were all waiting for him in party clothes. Well, Buffy and Willow were; Tara was dressed in a hippy skirt and a long-sleeved shirt, but her hair was braided back from her eyes, and she was smiling a little nervously.

"Hey, Xand," Buffy said a little hesitantly.

"Hey," he said with an apologetic smile. She smiled back, a little guarded, so he knew that things weren't totally okay with them but that neither of them were going to bring it up again. "Hey, Tara," he said, and she smiled shyly before he went to go change (it wasn't that he was wearing anything risqué, he just wanted some jeans and a tee shirt – his parents wouldn't let him near the church unless it was khakis and some kind of button-up).

When they hit the Bronze that night the music was already pumping, driving harder than what the Bronze normally played. Judging from the overcrowded dance floor, it was a welcome change.

"Spike's a DJ!" Willow commented as she waved up at the electronic booth. Sure enough, right here in his usual black attire, his head shining in the electric lights, was Spike, a pair of headphones on his ear and a computer sitting open next to him with a bunch of songs lit up on it.

"He's not bad," Buffy commented as the Garbage song segued into "Transylvanian Concubine" by Rasputina seamlessly. "Not my usual music, but hey, let's dance!" Tara looked at Willow in panic before Xander caught her other arm and hauled her out to the dance floor. When Tara noticed how stupid Xander looked when he danced she seemed to stop being so nervous and allowed Willow to pull her into a demented looking two-step.

_If you want to know how to fly high_

_Then go now to place where all the concubines_

_Meet, and converse with them_

_Marvel at their pale skin_

_Wonder how they chew on their pointy_

_Teeth and hair are beauty_

_They know it's their duty_

_To be countess in their hearts and their_

_Minds that have to whisper_

_See in them a sister_

_Look into their eyes and you'll be a_

_Transylvanian concubine_

_You know what flows there like wine_

"Am I noticing a theme here?" Buffy shouted in Xander's ear as she swayed sexily to the beat (there were the usual hooligans staring at her but Cordelia was doing a damn fine job of attracting half of them in her tight-fighting blue dress).

"Spike loves vampires," Xander explained. It was true; Spike loved everything to do with them. He liked "true vampires" as he explained to Xander once, "none of that poufy poncy Anne Rice 'oh I'm so sad that I'm immortal I'll dress in lace and eat rats' crap. Vampires are scary!" Spike had all the old Dracula movies and an old copy of Dracula he claimed he bought from Bram Stoker's home town.

Buffy laughed and bared her teeth at him, but he knew the truth – Buffy was terrified of vampires; they gave her a serious wiggins and when they'd all met up to watch _Bram Stoker's Dracula_ at Willow's house last Halloween Buffy hadn't been able to sleep all night.

_Candelabra's lighted_

_Satan has been sighted_

_Never has their been an evening like_

_This is what they wanted_

_Always to feel haunted_

_You can never be too rich or too thin_

_The blood has run out_

_Fangs ruin any cute pout_

_Morning has come, how they've flown_

_But have you learned from what has been shown?_

There was a resounding round of applause as the chords of the song died out, and a pulsing trip hop beat replaced it, slow, sultry and sexy. Buffy caught the vibe, too; he noticed her grabbing some cute guy and start slow dancing with them. Willow and Tara were staring deep into each other's eyes and revolving slowly on the spot. Xander smiled and moved away from the crowd, until a big arm draped over his shoulder.

"Havin' fun, pet?" Spike asked.

"Hey! Great job!" Xander said excitedly.

"Yeah – if I'm doin' such a great job, why're you over here?" Spike demanded.

"Oh, come on – you know what I look like when I dance," Xander said, embarrassed.

"Well, I'll make you look cool," Spike promised. Xander felt a vague sense of uneasiness, remembering Buffy's words from that morning, but Spike gave him the ice blue eyes and suddenly there he was, next to Buffy, attempting to dance, and sure enough Cordelia led a round of wolf whistles as Buffy broke in and she and Spike started to dance.

_You think I've slipped the net_

_But I've cut myself free_

_I'm not losing yet_

_So don't forget me_

_I'll say it_

_We'll play it_

_And try tomorrow_

_I'll say it_

_We'll play it_

_And live with sorrow_

_You'd think I'd learn by now_

_There's never an easy way_

_I'll get through somehow_

_I'm on my knees to pray_

Maybe that was the reason that Xander was the only one to see _him_ when he walked in. Strange how he felt he would have known him anywhere; sure, he recognized Drusilla by his side (she wasn't a hard woman to recognize), but he knew as soon as he saw him that his name was Angel. The man was mind blowing; so _large_ and with an easy air of authority in the way he carried himself; huge muscles. His face was chiseled out of marble and it was beautiful, brooding, intense. Xander had never thought a man could be beautiful before now.

_I'll admit I'm wrong_

_But I'm getting on track_

_I've been here too long_

_I'm under attack_

_I'll face it_

_Replace it_

_And try to change_

_I'll face it_

_Replace it_

_And rearrange_

_You'd think I'd learn by now_

_There's never an easy way_

_I'll get through somehow_

_I'm on my knees to pray_

He felt rooted to the spot, both hot and cold and sweaty and shaking. It was almost a sick feeling but at the same time it made him feel powerful, like he could shout and the whole Bronze would hear him, or climb up Mount Everest without a rope. Confused, disoriented, it was a feeling that he'd never felt before. And that was when Angel looked up and their eyes met across the room, when Xander first saw those deep, dark, soulful eyes that seemed full of pain but also just…beautiful. That was how Xander knew that he'd fallen in love for the first time of his life.


	6. Chapter 5: Overfire

**A/N:** So, I've figured that I'll post at least a chapter a day until I catch up to where I currently am in writing this story (I'm on chapter fifteen and still going strong), so you guys should be seeing a lot of this story for a little while. For those of you who are reading _the Passion of Angels and Demons_, please be aware that I am working on that as well and the next chapter of that should be out before too long.

And a very special thank-you to **beatriz-T**, my first reviewer on , and to **Devo79** – I hope that you're enjoying your story.

With that said, thank you and enjoy the show!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 5: Overfire

_You take me up_

_Above ground_

_Over filth_

_Over fire_

_Newly emerged from damp, rich earth_

_Every inch a new sensation_

_Stretches me out of my head_

_Out of my head_

_Into his—_

_To taste and smell myself_

_I'll take you up_

_Above ground_

_Over feel_

_Over fire_

_Beyond every time_

_More than I_

_Over filth_

_Over fire_

_My flesh wrapped around me_

_My weight on my limbs_

_My teeth, my hands, my feet, my breath_

_Down my throat_

"Overfire" by THC (_Adagio_)

To Xander, it was like everything in the club had slowed down to the pulsing beat of the song. There was nothing but that heartbeat running through him as Angel's deep, impenetrable eyes met his, nothing but the shivers and shakes and sweat that ran through him as he couldn't tear his eyes off of the strange man, standing there in leather pants and a red button up shirt. It was like Angel was made from the night, breathed into existence by the stars.

He sighed in a sense of loss when Angel finally broke his gaze to look down at Drusilla, and Xander felt himself burning with embarrassment when Dru whispered something with a big grin and gestured casually at Xander from across the Bronze. He quickly turned around and headed back to find his friends. He felt dizzy, and his feet were wobbling like a drunk's. Was it like this for everyone? he thought giddily.

"Thought you got lost, pet," Spike commented as he and Buffy pulled up next to him, both flushed from dancing. Maybe something else, but it was hard to tell sometimes with Buffy.

"Huh?" Xander said, pulling himself out of his own head. It was a confusing place to be these days.

"You okay, Xand?" Buffy asked, concerned. "You look a little…"

"No, I'm fine," he said automatically. He couldn't talk about this, couldn't even begin to find the words.

"Hey, guys!" Willow said, leading a very relaxed Tara out of the crowd. Xander could take the time to register how glad he was at the confidence that Tara had, how while she wasn't speaking much she wasn't ducking away from people's gazes. Willow seemed to bolster her, and it looked like she was having the same effect on Willow.

Xander saw Spike opening his mouth to comment on this and quickly trod on his foot. Spike, thank God, got the message and shut up rather than going ahead and saying it anyway.

"How's the club going?" Spike asked instead.

"It's great! You're doing _so_ much better than the last DJ they had through here," Willow said enthusiastically. "I was thinking about getting some water – kinda danced out tonight."

"Glad to here it," Spike said jovially. "Think Miss LA's getting tired, too."

"You wish, Captain Peroxide," Buffy said, without much venom. "I could dance you into the ground right now."

"Oooh, Spike, are you being naughty?" came a deep, musical British voice from behind them in a sort of sing-song. But that was the way Drusilla always was: like she was dancing to a tune that only she could hear.

"Hey, Dru," Spike said quietly, a change coming over his face. Xander turned slowly on the spot to see Drusilla, in a dark red dress, sashay over to Spike and draw him into a deep kiss. Xander was sure that he wasn't the only one who noticed how Drusilla looked at Angel the whole time she was doing it, as if to gauge his reaction. _Poor Spike_, Xander found himself thinking sympathetically. Spike might not actually be much for hearts and flowers but when he fell in love with someone it was for life, like glue. Spike was head over heels and more with Drusilla, always had been, and it made Xander angry that she so clearly didn't treasure that.

Of course, all of this went through his mind in a split second as his attention was immediately taken up by Angel, as if Angel were this massive weight that drew Xander inexorably toward him. Xander didn't know if he was thrilling in excitement or terror when their eyes met again.

"Well, folks," Spike said, an odd, twisted sort of note in his voice, "this is Angel like I was telling you about." Xander noticed Angel sort of duck his head, as if he was both used to and uncomfortable with the looks that he was attracting – looks, plural, Xander realized with a bolt of irrational jealousy, because Buffy was standing just as stunned as he himself had been about a minute ago.

Funny how it only takes one minute to change your entire life.

"Hello," Angel said, and his voice was deep and husky and it sent shivers up Xander's spine.

"Hey," Buffy said after a moment, but Xander could only nod. He was sure that if he attempted to speak all that would come out of his mouth would be a choked sort of sound. "I'm Buffy." She held out her hand and confidently shook his, and Angel seemed to size her up for a moment.

"I'm Willow," Willow said after a minute. "And this is Xander; we're friends of Spike's," she added brightly. "I've never met you before."

"I'm not from Sunnydale," Angel said by way of explanation.

"H-hi," Tara said shyly when Angel looked at her. "I-I'm, I'm Tara."

Suddenly Xander couldn't tell whether or not he was angry with Angel for bringing Tara's stutter back, that stutter which Willow had almost soothed away earlier that evening.

"Where are you from?" Buffy was asking, unconsciously folding her hands over her chest and standing in a way that drew attention to her well-shaped body.

"Ireland," Angel said, "but I moved to America a while ago." Angel had an odd way of talking, like he came from a rural school and spoke very properly, cadences that sounded like an old fifties movie. There was just the faintest hint of Irish brogue in his voice and it sounded deliciously sexy, like a teasing timbre to his voice.

"Is there anybody you guys _don't_ know who's from the UK?" Buffy asked Xander and Willow with a grin. Willow had the grace to laugh at the half-hearted joke, at least; Xander managed a noncommittal grunt.

Angel flicked his eyes over at Xander and Xander felt like they were screaming at him "I saw you looking at me, I know why you were looking at me, you fag" and suddenly all he wanted was to get out of there and never look at Angel again. He felt sick but he still felt like taking Angel to a dark corner and figuring out the pain, the secrecy behind those impenetrable, gorgeous eyes.

"Listen, guys, I gotta book," Xander said suddenly. He couldn't seem to work his body right; his movements were jerky and he couldn't recall the decision to put his jacket on, just that he wanted to be _away_ and he couldn't get out of there fast enough, despite the startled looks on Buffy and Willow's faces.

"Are you walking?" Angel asked in concern. "I could walk you home; it's not that safe out there."

Xander didn't know whether to laugh or cry in hysterics. Thankfully enough it was Spike who saved him. "Nah, I'll get him home," he said. "I've got the computer set for another hour, anyways, and I know where he lives."

"Will you come back and dance with me?" Drusilla asked, and Spike couldn't help the indulgent smile that came across his face, and suddenly that smile was making him as sick as Spike's attractive blue eyes. How had he never noticed the power of Spike's eyes before?

"Of course, lov," Spike murmured in her ear, before laying a gentle kiss on her cheek. "Angel," he nodded, his gaze seemingly loaded with a weight that Xander couldn't quite work out, didn't particularly want to.

"It was nice to see you all again," he tossed over his shoulder to Willow and the rest as he and Xander headed out into the warm night air. It felt amazing to Xander's overheated skin and he felt a deep desire to never been inside the Bronze again. They walked in silence for a few minutes, and Xander wrapped his arms around himself, clutching his jacket a little tighter.

"You alright, pet?" Spike asked in concern. "You do look a little peaked."

"I'm fine," Xander said flatly. But in his mind all he could see was Angel, all he could hear was Angel's deep, husky voice, the concern in his eyes, the way he offered to walk Xander home, the way he walked, like a wolf, a predator, dangerous and sexy and God he just wanted this to _stop_!

"So that was Angel," he found himself commenting to his horror.

"Yeah," Spike said softly.

"You don't like him," Xander guessed.

"I _love_ him," Spike said, affronted. "Like my brother, watched my back for a while, lets me and Dru stay with him until we get on our own feet. He's a great guy. Of course I can't stand the bastard!"

Xander felt a little of his mood lifting.

"So how about that Buffy, eh? You hittin' that?" Spike asked with an obscene eyebrow wriggle.

"What?! NO!" Xander said, surprised.

"Sorry, didn't mean to offend you," Spike said with a snort.

"No, it's not that," Xander said. "It's just that, me and Buffy are friends like…like me and _Willow_ are friends. It'd be like dating a sister."

"Oh, right – so, she seeing anyone?" Spike asked.

"Erm…Drusilla?" Xander offered weakly. Spike again got that look of pain on his face but he quickly hid it with a shrug as he lit his cigarette.

"Case you never caught on, pet, me n' Dru were never exactly what you'd call 'mutually exclusive,'" Spike said softly. "N' 'sides, Buffy's _hot_."

"Pig," Xander said with a smile. He felt very tired, talking about all of this. He wanted to go home and sink into his bed and hide under the covers and never think about this night again, and yet at the same time he felt his body tingling with the anticipation of seeing Angel again – and if he kept hanging out with Spike, odds were he'd see him again.

He knew then, of course, that he was doomed; there was no reason for Angel to so much as think about him – and then there was the fact that _HE WASN'T GAY!_ And yet…maybe it wasn't about gay or straight, it was just Angel himself, that beauty, that mysterious field of magnetism he seemed to have around him that drew people in like moths to flame, he didn't know, he just knew that he couldn't get Angel out of his head.

He couldn't go home, he knew, just then, couldn't face his parents knowing that he couldn't talk to them about this, make them make the feelings go away so he could go back to daydreaming about escaping his life. Instead all he saw were Angel's eyes meeting his across the Bronze like it was destiny, like it was fate. He couldn't believe that God would allow him to meet Angel just to make him _feel_ like this – he'd never been more confused, more frustrated, more _scared_ in his _life_!

"You're pretty quiet tonight, Xan the Man," Spike commented. "And isn't your house thataway?"

"It is," Xander said softly. "But…I just – I can't go there, not tonight."

"Xan – look at me," Spike demanded. Xander sighed and allowed Spike to force him to face him. "Tell me, truth, man to man: are you okay?"

"No," Xander said softly.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

And Xander knew, knew that he could potentially tell Spike everything, knew that Spike wouldn't laugh at him or tell him that he was just crushing. Xander knew that this was more than that; he remembered when Angel walked up behind them how he had _felt_ Angel's presence in every fiber of his being. Spike wouldn't mock that.

But he couldn't explain to Spike something that _he_ couldn't deal with himself.

"Not now, no – but maybe later, when I've figured some things out," he whispered. And Spike, being Spike, gave him a swift hug and then pulled back, lit a cigarette, and let Xander lead him without another word. He loved Buffy and Willow but sometimes a guy really just needed another guy to be there to _not_ talk, and Spike was good at knowing when you needed to not talk.

Xander led them to the Church of Sunnydale and pulled out his keys.

"I'm good here, Spike."

"Alright, pet – listen, you still got me cell number?" Spike asked.

"Sure, somewhere."

"Well, call me, yeah? We'll have to hang out sometime, like we used to."

"That sounds…really good, Spike," Xander said truthfully. "Thanks."

"Don't make a big deal out of it. Got my big bad reputation to uphold," Spike said gruffly.

"Right," Xander said with a small smirk.

With a wave, Spike took off down the front steps, heading back to the Bronze. Xander unlocked the front doors and stepped into the Church, sighing as the quiet took over him. He might have a different view on God than his parents but there was nothing more peaceful than walking into the chapel, especially when it was empty. Thankfully his dad wasn't much for the crucifix, so all they had was the big wooden cross, and stained glass windows of the lion, the lamb, the glorious resurrection and the immaculate conception announcement.

He left a message on the answering machine about where he was and went to the front of the church, laying down in the front pew. He whispered a prayer to God, and he slept a deep, dreamless sleep that night. He could face the day tomorrow, but for now, he could let God fight his battles.

Xander slept well that night.


	7. Chapter 6: Never Alone

**A/N**: Plugging away! I expect to be fully finished with this story by the end of this week so I'll be able to steadily post until it can be marked complete. It's a very satisfying feeling being able to keep to a steady posting schedule; a chapter a day keeps the readers happy!

Again let me reiterate that the choice of music throughout this story is intentional on my part and I personally feel (though you may of course feel free to disagree with me) that the songs enhance the story. This is essentially a gigantic song-fic. I will also say again, there will be a giant soundtrack page at the end.

Thank you and enjoy the show!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 6: Never Alone

_I waited for You_

_Today_

_But You didn't show_

_No, no, no_

_I needed You_

_Today_

_So where did You go?_

_You told me to call_

_Said You'd be there_

_And though I haven't seen you_

_Are You still there?_

_I cried out with no reply_

_And I can't feel You by my side_

_So I'll hold tight to what I know_

_You're here_

_And I'm never alone_

"Never Alone" by Barlow Girl (_Barlow Girl_)

Xander woke up when his mother shook him awake. He blearily blinked his eyes and stretched. The pew had been surprisingly comfortable to sleep on, and it took a moment for that feeling of contentment and peace he'd gained during the slumber to dissipate. His mother was smiling a little as he yawned, and in that moment Xander felt a bit of peace with his mother. Maybe they did see things in different ways but in that moment Xander knew that despite her faults, his mother loved him deeply.

Somehow, that made everything a little easier to bear.

"It's about school time," she said after a moment. "I brought you a change of clothes – are you okay to go to school today?"

"Yeah," he said with a smile. "I just…needed to think some things over."

"This is usually a good place to do it," she said, sitting next to him and putting a small bag of clothes on the floor. They both stared in contemplative silence up at the small stage, and beyond it to the large wooden cross. _For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son; that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life_. Xander'd had that one memorized by the time he was three.

"Did I ever tell you that I spent the night here once when I was your age, too?" his mother said after a long moment.

"No," Xander said, startled.

"Mmm-hmm," she said with a hint of a smile. "Your father had just asked me to marry him – I'd only been in Sunnydale for about a year. I was so in love with him that it scared me; the intensity of it. I was out with some friends when I realized that I just needed to get away. I came here, where it was quiet and peaceful, and I asked God to tell me what to do."

"What happened?" Xander asked, entranced. So much of what he was feeling now, and his mother had gone through the same thing. He felt a great closeness with her then, and he moved a little closer. She took one of his hands in hers and smiled.

"I had a dream that night, not really a prophecy but like…God gave me a glimpse of my life. I knew when I woke up that I was going to be with this church, giving back to it what it gave to me. I told your father that I'd marry him, a year later I had you, and I've never looked back with a single moment of regret," said his mother. "Did you find the answers you were looking for?"

"Yeah," Xander said huskily. "Yeah, I think I did."

"Good," she said, and squeezed his hand. "Now get changed and don't be late – wouldn't want to miss your second day of senior year!"

***

His mother actually dropped him off about a half an hour before he usually got there (she had irrational fears of lateness), so he had some time to get to his locker and finish his deep thinking. It was really his conversation with his mom that had cemented it for him. Xander was a decisive person; he agonized over decisions and choices and he always felt better when he'd thought something through and _done_ it.

He was attracted to Angel. A guy. More than physically attracted. Okay, he could deal with that, given some time. In fact, given his thoughts about Spike's eyes and the fact that he'd never actually pursued a girl with any real interest, there was every possibility that he might be gay.

Earth shattering, yes, but this he could also accept. He'd talked with Willow about it before and he firmly didn't believe that it was a great sin. It wasn't a choice; he hadn't seen Angel and firmly told his body to be attracted to him. It had just…_happened_, it was just _him_ and he firmly believed that God made everybody according to Her wacky plan that no one understood, so maybe She could explain it to him later.

He hadn't finished thinking this over, of course; but he was pretty sure that he'd come to the conclusion that he could accept that he was highly attracted to Angel, and wanted to see him again. Xander took a deep breath and let it out. _Gay_. It was such a _weird_ word; he'd been raised to believe that it was a wrong choice, an alternate lifestyle and a grievous sin. Instead, it was just…blood, or something like that. And Willow was gay (or at least halfway) and she was one of the strongest people he knew.

Well, he'd thought about it, so there was no use torturing himself by rethinking it from every angle again. Xander took another deep breath and counted to three before releasing it slowly, letting some of the tension drain out of him. He thought back to the peace he'd found that morning and felt the bright memory buoy him up. That was something private, something he could carry with him throughout the day and it would be his, just like his memory of meeting Angel last night, already turning mystical and mysterious and not to be trusted. Was there any way that someone could make him feel that strange, out of control, dizzy? Or was Angel just a figment of his imagination?

"Hey, Xander," said a sultry voice from behind him. He sighed.

"Hello, Cordelia," he said neutrally.

She was dressed to kill (per usual) in designer pants and a silk shirt, and smiling at him in some way that he supposed was supposed to be ingratiating but he wasn't buying it for a minute. Her large, firm breasts were in a push-up bra and he suddenly had the wild thought that if he wasn't attracted to _those_ then he was definitely gay. He smirked a little in suppressed laughter at the thought, and she smiled back, misreading him.

"A bunch of us are loitering at the Bronze on Wednesday – you should show," she offered.

"I'm going out on Wednesday," Xander said with a smile. Her smile widened.

"Really? Can I come?"

He had to sigh at the blatant sexual overtones she was oozing off of her. "Sure – I run church group on Wednesday nights; you could come and help me organize the food and then help with group discussion! We're going to start on Esther and other important women in the Bible – it's going to be a lot of fun!"

"You're a mutant!" she accused. "When are you going to grow up?" And she stormed off in a huff of patent leather heels, as Buffy and Willow came up from the other side and he had to lean up against the lockers, he was laughing so hard.

"It's going to be a lot of fun?" Buffy echoed with a huge smirk.

"It was worth it just for the look on her face!" Xander said gleefully.

"Guess you're feeling better," Willow said cheerfully.

"Yup," Xander said happily. "I've got something to tell you guys."

"Ooh, me too!" Buffy said excitedly. She did look pretty bouncy today. He figured her news probably wasn't as big as his news, but, ladies first.

"OK, you go," he told her. For some reason he felt a thrill of foreboding when she opened her mouth to speak, and he suddenly didn't want to hear it. He had a feeling that it would be bad news, that it dry up the wave of peace and serenity he still had going through him from this morning.

He was right.

"Okay, so after you left the Bronze last night, Willow and Tara went off to _dance_ together—"

"—not when you make it sound all dirty like that!" Willow protested, blushing furiously.

"_Anyway_, after she left I was dancing and Spike and that crazy chick—"

"—Drusilla," Xander offered helpfully.

"Yeah, right, Drusilla, they had a huge fight and they stormed out of the Bronze together. I wasn't too worried; they looked like the type that would have _great_ makeup sex."

"Buffy!" Willow exclaimed as they headed into the halls.

"Yeah, yeah – well, I was dancing and then Angel came up to me and we just started talking. Turns out that on top of that face _and_ that body, he's _really_ smart. He's taking university courses and he's an artist, does great drawings. We talked for like an hour about books, movies – once you get him talking, it's great! Anyway, he gave me his number!"

Xander stopped cold. He could feel a spear of jealousy and anger running through him. As Willow jumped up and down and congratulated Buffy he could only stand there and shake. It was just so…he felt awful, like a dump truck had just run him over going forwards _and_ backwards.

Who was he kidding? Dealt with his issues? He could curl up into a ball and cry right now, or go hit something, and Xander had never actually got into a real fistfight in his life! He'd never been in love before either. All anyone talked about was how great it was. He didn't like it; he felt out of control, emotional, overwrought…and now there was enough pain for it feel like someone was slowly dripping acid over his heart.

"You okay, Xander?" Buffy asked after a moment, noticing that Xander wasn't in on the conversation.

"No," Xander said quietly.

"Oh…is there anything—"

"I just gotta…um, go," Xander said. "I'll see you guys in theatre, right?" And his feet were carrying him out of the quad before either of them could say a word.

This was insane! It was unhealthy, even; he didn't even know this guy and yet he could feel his heart breaking, like an actual pain in his chest! It was like an angry fist was closing around his heart! God! Xander went to the water fountain and started gulping down the refreshingly cold water. _What's _wrong_ with me_? he thought miserably. He closed his eyes and saw Angel's eyes meeting his. He wasn't wrong; there _had_ been something there! He couldn't be the only one to be feeling like this!

He stopped himself, and took a deep breath. Then two. He had to calm down. This was _not_ the end of the world. He had a crush. He was a schoolboy with a _crush_, that's _all_, he told himself savagely. He ignored the little truthful voice in the back of his head that said _it's more than that and you know it_. He reached into his backpack for the Snickers bar he knew was back there and took a big bite. _Chocolate is good for the soul_, he thought with a bitter sort of smile.

It didn't occur to him that his smile was almost exactly the same as Spike's whenever Angel was around.


	8. Chapter 7: Dirty Little Secret

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 7: Dirty Little Secret

_I've been up all night drinking_

_To drown my sorrow down_

_Nothing seems to help me since you went away_

_I'm so tired of this town_

_Where every tongue is wagging_

_When every back is turned_

_They're telling secrets that should never be revealed_

_There's nothing to be gained_

_From this, but disaster…_

_Here's a good one:_

_Did you hear about my friend?_

_He's embarrassed to be seen now_

_Because we—_

_Oh no_

_Be seen_

'_Cause I've relied on my illusions_

_If I had the chance, love_

_You know I would not hesitate_

_To tell you all the things I never said before_

_Don't tell me it's too late_

'_Cause I've relied on my illusions_

_To keep me warm at night_

_But I denied in my capacity to love_

_I am willing to give up this fight_

"Dirty Little Secret [Thievery Corporation Remix]" by Sarah McLachlan (_Bones [Original Television Soundtrack]_)

The next two months went by in a blur, a haze that Xander couldn't stand. He hated anything that altered his memories or perceptions; he liked to remember things, say _I was there and this is what happened_. School as a senior was surprisingly harder than he'd thought, even with his elective classes, so he and Willow and Buffy went on study dates together. Buffy, in one of her occasional moments where she understood that there were some topics that Xander didn't want to hear about, only spoke to Willow about Angel, but Xander heard it anyway.

Angel was deep, brooding, and intense; he was very passionate about the things that he cared about and sometimes that could be a little scary. Buffy told Willow about the night that he'd drawn her; she'd worn a fairly racy white slip that hid all of her privates and posed in candlelight. She'd shown them a copy of the sketch and the lifelike detail and care taken with the drawing was breathtaking. She'd managed to get him to hang out at the Bronze a couple of times but for the most part they met at each other's houses and just…talked.

The first time they'd kissed it had been like electricity, Buffy said. She'd never felt a better kiss and she had much more experience than Xander or Willow. She was falling head over heels in love with him, she admitted. But there were times when she just couldn't be around him. "It's too…intense. I feel like I'm getting into something way over my head, sometimes," she said quietly. "But then he'll call and I come running. I've never felt like this before."

Funny – Xander knew exactly what she meant.

It was weird—wrong, even—but he listened to every detail about Angel, soaked it up, even if it was through Buffy. He felt like he knew Angel better than anyone, but he'd only met him a couple of times. He and Spike had been hanging out lately, and Angel seemed very reclusive. Buffy told Willow that Angel thought that Xander didn't like him because Xander almost never spoke to him and avoided him – but what else could he _do_? Xander thought a little hysterically.

When Angel was in the room it was like everything else just went away, whatever Spike was saying, whatever weird stuff Drusilla was up to, it just…left. Became background noise. Xander studied Angel's habits – how he could walk so confidently and at the same time be shy when talking to new people, how he could focus on something with laserlike intensity until it was done. Angel's large hands could easily use an axe to chop wood just as they could easily draw, create, caress.

At night, in his room, Xander couldn't get Angel out of his head. He didn't have a lot of experience with jerking off, but dreams were worse. In his mind's eye Xander would be standing on the roof of a building and Angel would be there. Candles would be lit, though he wasn't sure how, and then Angel's lips would be on his, those strong hands undressing him and holding him, protective and sure, and Xander _knew_ the taste of Angel because he dreamed about it every night.

He'd taken to doing his own laundry because he didn't want his mom examining the wet spots on the sheets in the mornings too closely.

At the same time as he felt Angel overtaking every part of him he knew that it was wrong. Buffy was in love with Angel big time, and he still loved Buffy like a sister. He shouldn't even be thinking about Angel at all. But knowing something in your head and telling your heart that is not the same thing, as he was fast discovering.

For instance, as Willow said, her being with Tara could ultimately end up being a very bad thing for both of them – but that didn't stop them. Xander was glad that that didn't stop them; he wouldn't give up this new, braver, more independent Tara for anything, and Tara brought out Willow's good traits big time. But that was different!

It was a sort of cruel irony, really, that all of this should happen _now_ when his future was already more uncertain than ever. He could feel his entire life pressing down on him like a big, uncertain weight. There was a storm on the horizon of Xanderland and he had a feeling that when it broke he might break also.

Multiple times lately Buffy and Willow went out of their way to ask him if it was okay, if he wanted to talk about it. But what was he going to _say_? _Uh, yeah, guys, well, I'm supposed to be going off to Liberty University next fall but I hate my life and to top all of that off I think I'm finding out that I'm _gay_ and I'm in _love_ with Buffy's boyfriend. Just so you know_.

Yeah, that'd go over well.

It hurt, though, that there had to be secrecy between them now when before they had been able to share everything. He'd thought that his friends were his safe haven, but he was beginning to learn that not every problem in life could be solved by a group of people. Some things he had to figure out for himself, and this was definitely one of them.

***

It all came to a head a few weeks later.

"I think…I think that we might…go for it," Buffy told them breathlessly that morning. They were sitting outside the school grounds on one of the more private benches on Sunnydale High's lawn.

"What?" Willow said, slightly alarmed. "Buffy, you've known this guy for three months!"

"I know!" Buffy said. "That's what makes this so crazy! But I think that I'm ready for it…for it to be _him_ the first time."

"You're a virgin?" Xander blurted out.

"Yeah," Buffy said, getting a slightly offended look. "Why?"

"I just thought that you had…I mean, it's not like I'm trying to call you a slut or anything," Xander babbled, panicked.

"Well, no, I've never had sex before," Buffy said. "Willow has, though."

"BUFFY!" Willow shrieked, smacking Buffy hard on the arm.

"I thought you told him!" Buffy gasped, apologetically. "I'm sorry!"

The rest of the conversation went on in a kind of blur, as most of his conversations these days did. Xander couldn't help but remember the last time that he'd met Angel, at Spike's house. He and Spike had been getting ready to go out when Angel had walked in. Spike had tensed up but continued chattering to Xander as if Angel weren't there. Angel had a pained look in his eyes and Xander hadn't been able to stop himself from meeting Angel's eyes, something he'd expressly forbidden himself to do.

Angel looked surprised and pleased at the sympathy in Xander's eyes. His elegant lips curved upward into a slight smile and Xander returned it, his entire face lighting up. Angel's fingers brushed his hand as he walked past him down the hall, and Xander felt that light touch race through his entire system like wildfire, like electricity and ecstasy and pain all rolled into one.

Was he _imagining_ the tension between them? He couldn't distinctly say so because it felt so _real_, so tangible to him.

"Xander!" Buffy said, her hand waving in front of his face.

"Huh?" he said intelligently.

"Look, Xand, don't get mad or anything, but…_spill_," Buffy said exasperatedly. Somehow she and Willow had maneuvered to either side of him until he was hemmed in, unable to exit. They were both staring at him in concern and friendship and he suddenly felt like such a false friend, like he was betraying Buffy even in his thoughts and keeping secrets from Willow when he'd sworn not to.

"Really, Xander, you've been so…distant these last couple of months. I know your parents are coming down on you hard but it's like I can't even talk to you anymore because you're just somewhere else," Willow said sadly. It hurt him to see the pain in Willow's eyes. It occurred to him then that the reason Willow probably hadn't told him she'd lost her virginity was because he hadn't really been listening to either one of them these last few months.

Sure, he was going through something fairly huge, but he suddenly felt like a lousy friend.

"I'm sorry," he said softly. "I've just been going through…a lot."

"Well, talk to us!" Buffy said encouragingly. "You're our Xander-shaped friend; you're not gonna make us run screaming to the hills or anything."

He looked back at her and in blind panic blurted it out: "I'm gay!"

"What?" Buffy asked, nonplussed.

"What?" Willow said, shocked.

"_What?!_" Cordelia screeched.

All three of them froze. There she stood, coiffed and queenly and horrified, staring down at him like he was the scum on her highly expensive shoes. "You're a _fudgepacker_?" Cordelia demanded.

"Cordelia, shut up!" Buffy snapped.

"Oh, my God, this explains so much!" Cordelia said, oblivious to Buffy. "Do your _parents_ know about this?" she asked, an almost gleeful smile on her face.

"Cordy, _please_," Xander croaked, suddenly feeling as if a bolt of ice had slithered down into his heart.

"Oh, you haven't told them, have you?" she said meanly. "Well, doesn't this change everything?"

"What do you _want_, Cordelia?" Buffy demanded. "Because, I swear to God, if this gets out before Xander wants it to I'll track you down and kill you." There was ice in her blue eyes and she looked quite ready to snap Cordelia like a twig where she stood. The two strong-willed women stared each other down for a moment, neither of them backing down.

"Fine," Cordelia said finally. "But don't think I'm not going to get something out of keeping _this_ quiet."

"Fine," Buffy said angrily. "Just get gone, somewhere where you're actually _welcome_." Cordelia gave her a nasty grin and flounced off without a backward glance. Xander curled in on himself, clutching his stomach, which felt as if a million snakes had been released into it, biting him over and over and over. He'd said it. He'd accepted it. There was no going back now.

Oh, God, if his parents found out…

"Xander, calm down," Buffy said urgently, and he realized that he was whimpering. "Calm down." She took his head in her arms and held him as Willow wrapped herself around his waist. The magic of Willow hugs went a long way to calming the snakes in his stomach, but he still couldn't quite battle back the cold dread that was winding itself around him.

"Are you sure?" Willow asked in a quiet voice. "Because, I mean, young people, they experiment and—"

"Willow," Xander said flatly, and she shut up and hugged him tighter.

"How come you didn't tell us?" Buffy asked after an eternity.

"I don't know," Xander said miserably. "I guess I was just…hoping…that it wasn't true. But that's stupid. I know what I am."

"Oh, God, Xander," Buffy whispered.

"I'm sorry," Xander whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" But who he was apologizing to, he couldn't tell.

"Come on," Willow said after a moment. She stood up and tugged on his arm, making him and Buffy stand up. Xander followed her listlessly, uncaring of where they were going.

"Where are we going?" Buffy asked, checking for Snyder before she set out after them.

"This is more important than school," Willow decided. "We're going to Spike's for the day."


	9. Chapter 8: Thank You

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 8: Thank You

_My tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why_

_I got out of bed at all_

_The morning rain clouds up my window_

_And I can't see at all_

_And even if I could it'd all be grey—_

_But your picture on my wall_

_It reminds me that it's not so bad_

_It's not so bad_

_And I just want to thank you_

_For giving me the best day of my life_

_And oh, just to be with you_

_Is having the best day of my life_

"Thank You" by Dido (_No Angel_)

Spike was surprised to see them all together on a school day; he'd opened the door wearing a black undershirt and a pair of gray sleep pants, and most of the lights inside the house were off. He eyed them speculatively.

"What're you lot doin' here on a school morning?" he asked.

"We need a place to hang for the day," Willow announced.

"Red is skippin' school on _purpose_," Spike drawled, a slow smile curving his mouth. "That's a day I've been waitin' for me whole life."

He let them in to the two-bedroom apartment that he, Angel and Dru were sharing. It wasn't an unattractive building; in the center of town, private, out of the way. It was sort of like a triplex – Angel's home was all the way to the left, facing an empty lot, with a home in the center and a home to the right of that. Inside, the lights had been arranged artistically to display the artwork and odd collections Angel had adorning the walls and the shelves.

"Was just makin' some coffee, case any of you want some," Spike tossed out over his shoulder as they all trooped in.

"Where's Angel?" Buffy asked as she sat down on the easy chair. There was a small couch across from that and another chair, all arranged in a sort of triangle. There wasn't a TV because no one who lived there watched it, except for Spike. He was addicted a soap opera called _Passions_, and he watched it every day on an old, beat to shit black and white ten inch screen in his and Dru's room.

"He's at work," Spike said shortly. Funny, Xander thought to himself, coming out of his daze a little. He'd never thought to ask what Angel's day job was. From the look on Buffy's face, neither had she. "So's Dru."

"Drusilla works?" Willow asked curiously.

"Yeah, got a job as a receptionist for a private investigator," Spike said with a snort. He came in carrying a chipped tray with some old coffee mugs on it.

"What?" Xander asked in disbelief.

"God's honest truth, though it beats the hell out of me how she got the damn thing in the first place," Spike said. He took a sip of coffee and sighed in pleasure before continuing, "One day she just up and decided that she didn't want to be dependant on me n' Angel for the rest of her life and says, 'I'm gettin' me a job.' I says, 'Alright, Dru, here're the want ads,' cuz I figure she's gonna give up the way Dru does after a day or so," he said fondly.

"Anyway, she steps out after she sees somethin' interestin' in the paper, and she's gone for four or five hours. Gettin' a little worried when she comes in with some official form to sign or whatnot and next thing I know she's workin' for some bloke name of Wesley Wyndam-Price, Esquire."

"Get the hell out of here," Buffy commented with a grin, drinking some of her coffee.

"Oh, no; me n' Angel thought it might not be on the up n' up so's we went and checked the bugger out. Clueless chap, can't figure his head from his arse, but he's rich so he's started his little business. Real insistent you say 'esquire' too." He grinned at them all. "You know the hell of it all?"

"What?" Willow asked, grinning despite herself.

"His company's named 'Angel Investigations,'" Spike said gleefully.

"No!" Buffy and Xander said together, and just like that they were all laughing and it was like an enormous weight was being slowly lifted off of Xander's shoulders.

"Yeah, yeah, his tag says 'we help the hopeless,'" Spike said, laughing, "so I says to Angel 'why don't we give him his own card?' and the big man just did his manly sigh and walked out of there fast as he could."

"Jesus, that's funny," Buffy said after a moment of giggles. "This is really strong coffee."

"There's creamer and such in the fridge," Spike said graciously. He waited for Buffy to get up and come back, dumping the milky stuff into all of their drinks before he spoke again. "So, you gonna tell me why you're all sneakin' off from school to come hide out at my place?"

"Well…we sort of had something that we need to help deal with, and I figured that you'd be able to handle it and come up with something," Willow said guardedly.

"M' flattered," Spike said, taking a strong draught of coffee. "What's up?"

"Xander…" Buffy trailed off, then gestured at Xander. It was up to him to decide whether to say it or not, she was telling him. Xander smiled at her warmly that she was giving him this. This piece of him was his, and it was up to him who he should or should not tell. It was so big, so massive, that he could feel it unburdening him that he'd told it to Buffy and Willow. He knew in the warmth in Spike's blue eyes that he was okay here.

"I…told them that I…that I'm gay," Xander said firmly after a moment.

Spike spit out his coffee. He hacked for a few minutes while Xander watched him anxiously, and Buffy reached over and robustly pounded on his back a few times. After a few moments, Spike leaned back in his chair. "_Wot_?" he gasped.

"Xander's _gay_," Buffy said helpfully right in his ear.

"Shit, really?" Spike said inquisitively. Xander nodded. He was starting to feel a little nauseas again; having an old friend nearly kill himself with coffee when you say that can have that affect on you. "Are you sure—oh, hell, that's a dumb question."

Xander drew his knees up to his chest again, feeling small.

"I get it," Spike said after a minute. "You haven't got a clue what you're gonna say to mummy and daddy, cuz you're the kid that tells his parents everything."

"One of many problems, yes," Xander said.

"Another big one being that Cordelia Chase knows," Buffy spat angrily.

"Oh god, that bitch?" Spike said in horror. "I remember her! I remember, I was datin' this girl in my year, two years up above this lot, and she and Cordelia ran against each other for some queen contest or something. That bitch made my life a living _hell_ for two months straight, and then the contestant got 'mysteriously ill' the day before the winner was announced and Chase won by default!"

"I remember that," Willow said. "They never said 'mysteriously ill,' they said food poisoning."

"Exactly my point," Spike said grimly. "What'd she say when she found out."

"I convinced her that it'd be healthy for her life expectancy if she kept her big fat mouth shut," Buffy said flatly. "So that means we've probably got one week, maybe two before she 'accidentally' lets it slip to Harmony, and _that_ girl's got a bigger mouth than a reporter for the National Enquirer."

"Did I ever tell you lot I shagged Harmony?" Spike reflected.

"EWWW!" Xander and Willow screeched in unison.

"You popped her cherry?" Buffy asked in disgust.

"Hell, no," Spike said with a grin. "Little missy was no first timer when I took her down. Regretted it immediately after, of course, cuz she suddenly thought that we had a relationship because we both got noshed one night and I took a drunk slag home with me."

"So what do you think we should do?" Xander asked, forcing the conversation back to why they were there in the first place.

"Well, I don't know," Spike said after a moment. "This is really up to you. I mean, this is a _huge_ thing, Xander; this is going to change your whole life. You've gotta figure out what your next step is gonna be." He lit up a cigarette. "Are you okay, pet?" he asked, eyeing Xander with concern. Xander smiled slightly. Spike had always been protective of him like that, like an older brother but better.

"I'm not really fine right now, but I think I'm going to be. Just not too sure _how_ yet, but, you know," Xander said.

"That's good – good to know that it's gonna be tough," Spike said. "As Red – hell, ask _me_."

That took Xander by surprise. "You're gay?" he asked, surprised.

"No," Spike said. "Just, guy, girl, never really made much of a difference to me. Person's a person, once you get past the skin. You don't fall in love with a pair of tits or a dick – or, if you do, you're a dumbass."

It was one of the more profound statements that Spike had ever made.

"My parents were pretty good about it," Willow said. "I mean, they're just so open-minded about everything, so as long as they knew that I was being safe and not just acting out for attention or something stupid like some girls do, they were really great about it."

"I actually knew this girl back at Hemery," Buffy said reflectively. "Her name was Jesse; she was this cute redhead and she wanted to make her ex-boyfriend get back with her (his name was Dirk and he was _so_ cute but _such_ an ass) so she told everyone that she was bi and good at sex and all that. So one day I finally got fed up with it (she was trying to steal _my_ boyfriend, too) so I just walked up to her in the cafeteria and planted one right on her lips."

"Buffy! You kissed a _girl_?" Willow asked, amazed.

"I could stand to hear a little more," Spike said lasciviously.

"Oh, get your head out of the gutter. It was gross – I mean, she tasted like this nasty lemon lip balm and she used _way_ to much of it, it wasn't like kissing lips but it was like kissing…I don't know, like kissing a honey bun that just got drizzled."

"Ew," Willow said. Xander fervently agreed.

"What happened?" he asked.

"She flipped out. Ran out of the room screaming about dykes and all, and I went home with Jeffrey that night and she never talked about it or talked to me for the rest of my time at that school," Buffy said with great satisfaction.

"God, if anyone in this town knew that story you'd never be able to show your face again," Spike said once he'd stopped laughing.

"Well, it's not like I'm going to run around singing 'I kissed a girl' at the top of my lungs," Buffy said with a grin.

"But it would be worth it if you did," Xander said with a laugh.

"Maybe for senior prank!" Willow said excitedly.

"That's not a prank," Spike said authoritatively. "No, setting things on fire and then making your teacher take all the blame – _that's_ a prank."

Xander looked around at them as they sat in a circle, this group of friends that he could call family. Buffy was rolling her eyes at Spike and tossing her golden hair back, so full of light and laughter and strength. Spike was eyeing him every once in a while, as if to make sure that Xander was alright, lean and strong and caring but trying to hide it from everyone there. And Willow, his sister, best friends since childhood, her bright red hair pulled back from her face, laughing and relaxed and happy.

He could face anything as long as he had his friends behind him.

There was a lot left unanswered and a lot that was unsure about his future, but for right now he could just enjoy this one morning of coffee, laughter and friendship before he had to return home that night.


	10. Chapter 9: Virgin State of Mind

**A/N:** Exam week! I finally finished and survived, and for the most part I'm fully intact. So with _that_ tiny bit of stress off my shoulders, I'm going to celebrate by posting two chapters today instead of one. As this chapter right here is pretty long, that should keep you guys interested/satisfied until tomorrow's update.

**IMPORTANT NOTE!** -- This chapter is written in two different time periods, the one set right after the previous chapter and the one right after Buffy and Angel had their moment. All the text written in normal takes place after Chapter 8, and everything in ITALICS (minus song lyrics, of course) takes place right after the B/A moment.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 9: Virgin State of Mind

_There's a chair_

_In my head_

_On which I used to sit_

_Took a pencil and I wrote_

_The following on it:_

_Now there's a key where my wonderful mouth used to be_

_Dig it up_

_And throw it at me_

_Dig it up_

_And throw it at me_

_Where can I run to?_

_Where can I hide?_

_Who will I turn to?_

_Now I'm in_

_A virgin state of mind_

_Got a knife to disengage_

_The void that I can't bear_

_To cut out words I've got written_

_On my chair_

_Like: do you think I'm sexy?_

_Do you think I really care?_

_Can I burn the mazes I grow?_

_Can I?_

_I don't think so_

"Virgin State of Mind" by K's Choice (_Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album_)

_Xander didn't know how he knew, but he knew as soon as he saw Buffy the next morning._

_It wasn't like she was screaming it at the top of her lungs, or looked all that different. There was just a new way of carrying herself, a look in her eyes. It was there for him to see and understand, even though he didn't want to, even though all he wanted was to ignore the unwelcome knowledge. But he, Buffy and Willow had resolved to spend more time together since the big day, and so every time he saw her it was like a fiery script scrolling across her eyes:_

I Slept With Angel.

_Xander spent part of that morning in the bathroom, and he didn't come out for a long time._

***

_How many special people change?_

_How many lives are living strange?_

_Where were you while we were getting high?_

_Slowly walking down the hall_

_Faster than a cannonball_

_Where were you while we were getting high?_

_Someday you will find me_

_Caught beneath the landslide_

_In a champagne supernova in the sky_

Things had been weird at first, after the "Coming-Out" day. Buffy and Willow seemed to want to talk about it but also to not want to talk about it if he didn't want to talk about it, so they stepped on eggshells whenever conversation went into date territory or boys. Which, with Buffy and Willow, it usually did.

This had annoyed Xander – when he'd told them it had been a horrifying, terrifying moment of free fall, but when he'd hit the bottom he'd hit it with Buffy and Willow's support right at the bottom, and that day of coffee, donuts, jokes, and bad television at Spike's. It had been like part of the pressure that had been building behind his eyes like a migraine since that fateful night that he'd met Angel had eased.

Sure, he still couldn't speak in full sentences to Angel, and things were still weird with Buffy whenever she talked about Angel, and he couldn't tell his parents and now things were more strained than ever at home, and every time Cordelia passed him in the hall she gave him a superior smirk and made sure to talk to him, and he had to talk back lest she follow through on her threat and tell everyone.

But still, telling them had been a relief. He didn't want to spoil that by having him being gay be a hazard zone in topics of conversation. So the next time they'd gone to the Bronze, urged on by Spike, Xander had sat up in the middle of conversation and pointed at Percy West and said "If he wasn't such a grade-A _jerk_ he'd be really, _really_ cute."

Well, that had frozen everything, until Willow grinned big enough to light up the Bronze and said "It's taken you _this_ long to notice this? What kind of gay guy _are_ you?"

"I'm _confused_, remember?" Xander said with a big grin, and that had Buffy and Spike cracking up. Since that little icebreaker, the conversations had lightened up considerably. Of course, now every time Percy passed them in the halls all three of them started laughing and the jock got a confused and irritated look on his face, but still, worth it.

He'd been surprised when Tara came up to him after church group the following Wednesday and said, "You know, if you ever want to talk about your parents, I'm free on Thursday nights."

Tara was wearing a pair of blue jeans and a blue turtleneck and she looked more confident, relaxed, and comfortable than he'd seen her since he'd met her. She met his gaze directly and she didn't stutter once. He thought seriously about her offer. Since Tara had started hesitantly dating Willow, she had been a little more open with Xander whenever they spoke after meetings, and he never caught the sad, almost fearful haze that went over her eyes when her family's pickup truck pulled up to the church to get her.

Tara McClay was pretty much a prisoner in her own house; the women always were in her family. She washed dishes and scrubbed floors and did the laundry. She also put up with constant misogynistic verbal abuse from her father and her brother. Her mother had died of illness when Tara was very young, but her mother had been the one to talk to her about liking girls and how even though her family told her that it was God's will that she be servile, God loved her equally and one day she'd be free. Tara treasured the memory of her mother more than anything.

It made Xander burn with rage at the thought of anyone mistreating poor, sweet, defenseless Tara, and then hiding behind religion to get away with it. Yeah, the Bible talked about that – more than 3,000 years ago! Still, Tara had already been accepted to a very good art school for her poetry and drawings, and she had enough money saved up that as soon as she turned 18 she was leaving and never returning to her family. Willow and Tara were planning on rooming together when they went off to their separate colleges. They didn't talk about each other much but it was clear to any fool that they were both head over heels for each other and falling deeper every day. Xander had never seen anyone complete each other the way Willow and Tara did, and it was nearly enough to bring tears to his eyes.

"I think…that I'm not sure where I am there. I need some time, Tare," he said softly. She nodded in understanding and surprised him by giving him a fierce hug.

"They still love you, Xander. No matter what, in some way, even if it gets twisted, every parent loves their child," she whispered in his ear, and then she was picking up her shoulder bag and heading out the door. Tears filled his eyes and he blinked them away furiously. No matter how she was treated, Tara still believed that as firmly as she believed that God loved them all, no matter what.

"Why are you wearing a turtleneck, Tara?" he asked with an attempt at humor. To his great, pleased surprise, she turned red as the setting sun.

"Sh-shut up!" she said, but the stuttering was from laughing, and for once Tara had a smile on her face as she climbed into her father's truck.

That night Xander had done the dishes for his mother and prepared his father's notes without saying a word to them, gave the startled pair a fierce hug and then went to bed.

_Wake up the dawn and ask her why_

_A dreamer dreams she never dies_

_Wipe that tear away now from your eye_

***

_It had been Buffy's birthday the night before, he remembered dully. Surprise!_

***

_I give you good advice; you just ignore_

_The truth at any price is more than you can afford_

_But when you're not doing too well_

_I'll be here, here for you still_

_A little bit longer_

_Brokenhearted_

_Won't you come back to me?_

_You're so brokenhearted_

_I'll fix yours for free_

_Brokenhearted (brokenhearted)_

_Won't you come back to me?_

Spike had been great – he'd offered to take Xander out to a gay bar, of course, and even offered a fake ID. Xander, horrified, had refused, only to realize that Spike was laughing at him. He let Xander come over and talk whenever he wanted, and Xander had a feeling that Spike looked forward to unloading on Xander just as much as Xander enjoyed unloading on him.

"I can't believe you've not even _kissed_ anyone before," Spike said one day, shaking his head sadly.

"Well, there hasn't been anyone…uh…shut up," Xander said, red faced.

Spike had just laughed and called up for Chinese food.

Xander, Willow and Buffy hung out with Spike just as often as they hung out with each other. Every once in a while Angel or Drusilla or both of them would be there, too. Xander found himself unconsciously treasuring the times when Angel was there, looking forward to seeing him, disappointed when he wasn't there.

Angel wasn't so much into PDA, which was fine with Xander. He did sit with Buffy sometimes, but he was uncomfortable in large groups so he didn't contribute to conversation much. This was exactly the opposite of Drusilla, who contributed to conversations too much.

"I had my first tail run today!" she announced, ridiculously excited one night. Xander, Buffy, Willow and Tara were in the living room while Spike and Angel had an argument about the stove in the kitchen. From the sounds of it Spike was winning out of sheer stubbornness; sure enough Angel stomped out of the kitchen a moment later and said "Fine! But when you blow us all up, _I'm_ not paying for the repairs!"

"Poof!" Spike had sneered out, and set to work. When Drusilla swanked in they all watched her. Sure enough, she was dressed in a designer trench coat and a pair of dark sunglasses.

"Huh?" Angel asked after a moment.

"We had this big fat bastard walk in and say, 'Well, I think me wife's cheatin' on me,'" Drusilla said, dramatically stripping the coat off, her cockney accent getting more pronounced as she told her tale. She was born for performance. "I thought, 'if you look like that _in_ your clothes I shudder to think of what you look like _out_ of your clothes,' but I says 'What do you want us to do about it?'"

"So, he pays us $1000 dollars to track his frumpy li'l woman as she drives up to Oxnard and throws herself into her whiskey at the Fabulous Ladies' Night Club, complete with male strippers!" she said ecstatically.

"Eww!" Buffy said. "I've _been_ there!"

They all stared at her.

"You've _been_ there?" Angel asked curiously. She flushed as Xander and Willow started giggling.

"Sixteenth birthday, weird party, I _don't_ want to talk about it," Buffy said. "Does anyone smell something burning?"

"Damn it!" Spike and Angel yelled, and hared off toward the kitchen just in time to catch whatever Spike had chucked in the oven before it burst into full-blown flames. Xander was sure he wasn't the only one thankful for the fact that it _had_ blown up; Spike couldn't be called a gourmet chef any more than the Smurfs could be called terrorists.

He was also sure that he wasn't the only one who noticed how angry Drusilla had been that Angel's eyes weren't fixed on hers, or the tortured hunch in Angel's shoulders when he didn't meet Drusilla's gaze. He put it out of his mind, though.

_Life gives us both a chance; an equal vote_

_And it's just the circumstance if it all goes up in smoke_

***

_From what Xander could gather, it had been a night of absolute bliss. Angel was amazing and attentive and caring in bed, and he'd gone slowly to make sure that Buffy didn't feel any pain. Every word was like a knife in his gut, burned like acid in his gullet. He didn't know whether to feel worse for Buffy or for himself, especially when Buffy told Willow that Angel had been odd after it had happened – not mean or anything but distant, as if dwelling on something else, something painful._

_He knew, of course, exactly what Buffy was talking about, because of _that_ night, but he could never tell Buffy or anyone about that._

_Never_.

***

_I'm so tired of being here_

_I'm suppressed by all my childish fears_

_And if you have to leave_

_I wish that you would just leave_

'_Cause your presence still lingers here_

_And it won't leave me alone_

_These wounds won't seem to heal_

_This pain is just too real_

_There's just too much that time cannot erase_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_And you still have_

_All of me_

Xander was supposed to wait in the apartment for Spike to get back from the Bronze that night. Buffy was at the mall with her mother and Willow was spending some time with her parents. Xander hadn't wanted to go home after Church on Wednesday, so instead he'd called Spike. Spike said he had some DJ stuff to take care of at the Bronze, so he'd sent Xander to the apartment. Spike had sounded very stressed out, but Xander knew enough to not ask why. Spike would tell him if he wanted to tell him.

So, when Xander walked in to see Angel sitting on the couch, with no shirt on, cradling a beer in his big hand, he'd frozen like a deer in headlights. Angel didn't look up when he walked in so he had a moment to stare. Angel was gorgeous in the dim lights, brooding, soulful, intense, his beautiful face twisted as he took a sip off the longneck. Xander watched his powerful throat work and he followed his eyes down Angel's chest, to the broad shoulders and defined, pale muscles, the wine-dark nipples that were so perfect and the faint traces of a six pack that led down to a small trail of hair below his bellybutton.

Xander had an aching, a longing so intense he shuddered to taste that chest, pull those lips to his and see what Angel tasted like, follow his mouth down the chest and see where that trail led to…Angel was so beautiful that it hurt and Xander couldn't help the wounded sound that escaped his mouth. Angel started and squinted up at Xander at the door and Xander felt his face flame like starfire.

"I'm sorry!" he said quickly, forcing his eyes away before he blurted out everything he was feeling. "I'm sorry, Spike said to wait for him and I never thought, god, I'm sorry—" He was babbling like Willow with a systemful of caffeine and he didn't register that Angel was moving as he backed toward the door. "I'm sorry, I'll just—" Angel cut him off with a hand to his mouth.

Angel's fingers were rough, Xander thought, and shuddered. How could one person affect his entire body, his heart, his mind like this?! This was insane!

"It's okay," Angel said softly. His breath smelled like alcohol but also like mint from a toothbrush; he wasn't drunk, which had Xander relieved. The very few times that his father had broken and taken the bottle up for a night had made for very bad memories in Xanderland. "Come in."

He led Xander to the couch and genially patted the cushion next to him. That was of course the very _last_ place on earth that Xander wanted to be, but he decided to just go with it. He figured that he was here at this exact time for a reason, so he whispered a prayer to God that She'd help him do what he needed to do here and sat down next to Angel.

He felt his entire right side shiver and stand up with electricity at Angel's closeness and wondered about the wisdom of his decision.

"How are you, Xander?" Angel said unexpectedly. His big, beautiful dark eyes were staring at Xander, penetrating, intense. He understood now, fully, what Buffy had said about how sometimes having that intensity focused on you was unsettling. "I mean, with your parents – Buffy and Spike told me, and…well, how are you?"

He seemed to genuinely care, and for some reason Xander found himself telling Angel what he couldn't tell Tara. "I'm terrified," he whispered. His voice was as quiet as Angel's and their eyes weren't leaving each others. "I'm so afraid that they'll find out. I don't know what they're going to do; my father might disown me and my mom would never speak to me again…God, I don't know what to do!" he whispered desperately.

"I'm sorry," Angel said. "I can't imagine how that must feel – I mean, with your father and mother being who they are. I remember when I had to tell my da about…about something and he reacted badly. It's rough." His voice was twisted with that pain that was always _there_, and Xander wanted to know what it was that Angel was running from, wanted to soothe it out of him. Angel was too beautiful, inside and out, to live with that.

"What's your family like?" Xander asked. Angel smirked and finally looked away, taking another swig of beer.

"We grew up in ol' Galway, 'bout three miles from Dublin," Angel said, his eyes and his memories a thousand miles away. His voice thickened with Irish brogue and Xander shuddered at the lilt. "Me mam took care o' us at home, and me da's a lawyer. Gone a lot, but we didn't mind. He was a cold man.

"Me little sister's name was Kathy, and she was the pride n' joy o' the MacArthur family. She drew and she danced and she was the most graceful o' any children in Ireland. Probably why it hit us so hard when she died," he said softly. Xander found his hand disobeying his commands and slipping into Angel's big hand. Angel clutched his hand tight enough to hurt, but Xander didn't say a word.

"Heart condition, been there since birth, the doctors said. Too much excitement rattled her lil' heart up, and then she died. Me mam went to pieces n' me da went to drink, and then it was just me an' 'im when mam took the gun out to the barn and pulled the trigger." Xander stared, horrified, as a tear went down the side of Angel's face. He wouldn't meet Xander's eyes, just took another drink of beer. Xander held his hand all the tighter.

"He couldn't stand me. Thought I should be a man like him. Didn't care that I wanted to get over it. I needed to do the family business, get in school. I told him to sod off and I got drunk and fucked everything in sight," Angel said, his voice thick with self-disgust. "He was right to kick me out…I don't know why I thought he'd help when…ah, mother o' Christ," he whispered, and took a long drink.

"What happened?" Xander asked, enraptured in the family tragedy, his heart shattering for every wound in Angel's.

"Met this girl…tall…foreign…blonde. Her name was Darla Aurelius." He bowed his head and Xander knew suddenly that Angel was sharing a big secret with him, something that he never spoke of. He moved closer to Angel on the couch, letting Angel take comfort in his nearness. Angel tightened his grip on Xander's hand in appreciation.

"Darla…oh, she was somethin' else. Couldn't figure out what a classy lady like her wanted with me, but she stayed with me. She pulled me out o' the gutter and out o' the bottle and for a while it was heaven. I could forget me mam and Kathy because I wasn't drunk, I was _living_."

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_

_Now I'm bound by the life you've left behind_

_Your face it haunts_

_My once pleasant dreams_

_Your voice it chased away_

_All the sanity in me_

"When she told me she was pregnant, I thought it was the most amazin' thing. Watchin' her belly grow with _life_, somethin' _I'd_ helped create…there aren't words," Angel said, his eyes shining. "Money was tight as shite and we couldn't afford the doctors, so I went to me da. He threw me out, told me he wouldn't pay fer me whore when I'd thrown all his money away.

"So…so, she died. In the bed. Givin' birth. Lived long enough to name him Connor, tell me she loved me, and then she was gone, just like everyone else."

"What happened to Connor?" Xander whispered.

"Child fuckin' protection took him. Told me I couldn't afford him, couldn't care for him with all my issues or some shite. I got to hold him the once…he was so perfect…" He sighed, a sound full of pain. "It's good that they took 'im from me. I woulda fucked it all up, fucked him up the way I'm fucked up. He's got a good family now, and he's happy. 'S all I coulda asked for," Angel said flatly, draining the beer bottle.

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone_

_But though you're still with me_

_I've been alone all along_

"You're not fucked up," Xander said strongly.

"You don't know me," Angel said with a sigh, moving to disengage their hands. Xander held on tightly like it was a lifeline, connecting them together.

"I know that you're kind," he said simply. "I know that you take care of your friends and that you help when someone asks for it. I know that you don't say rude things to people who say them to you, and you don't fight unless you have to. You might not be perfect, but you're _not_ fucked up," Xander finished fiercely.

It was so important to him in that moment that he convince Angel to see exactly what he saw every time he looked at Angel. Angel was staring at him in something like amazement, gripping Xander's hand as hard as Xander was gripping his.

"I can see why Spike likes you so much," Angel said after an eternity. He didn't let go and neither did Xander.

"Why?"

"Because you listen. It's hard to find that. You really listen to people, let them say what they need to say. I haven't told _anyone_ but Spike and Dru what happened with Darla," Angel said simply. "It feels…better, to talk about it."

"I know," Xander said. "You just need to know that someone's listening."

"Guess that's why you pray," Angel said.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not one of those people who expects God to just hop in and solve all of my problems. She points me in the right direction and I have to do what I have to do to make it good. Her quirky sense of humor, I guess," Xander said lightly, trying to fight the warmth spreading from Angel's touch to every part of his body.

"She?" Angel asked with a slightly mischievous grin.

"Oh, definitely," Xander said with a nervous smile.

"Well, maybe I'll keep that in consideration," Angel said. Was it Xander's imagination or did he see the same heat in Angel's eyes that he felt in his? Was Angel moving closer – no, both of them were moving closer, like magnets, like destiny. "Come in to your church group some day," Angel whispered.

"Yeah, maybe," Xander said, just as quietly. There was nothing but the two of them right now, this tiny bubble of electricity and _feeling_ that was between them that neither of them could explain but was still _there_, imperceptible and insane but there.

Angel's large hand cupped his face and Xander felt protected, wanted. He stared into Angel's eyes boldly and then lost all of his breath, all of his _everything_, when Angel leaned in and Angel's lips brushed against his.

It was light as a feather, a caress, sending a jolt of something indescribable through Xander's entire being. He moaned in glorious sensation and then leaned forward and suddenly Angel's lips, his perfect, perfect lips were pressing back against his, hard, and all there was was the taste of Angel, the sensation of his lips moving against his, the scent of his breath, the pressure of pleasure building between them in a communion of ecstasy.

Angel's tongue, large and demanding, slid into his mouth when Xander gasped for air and Xander moaned at the taste as it boldly caressed his tongue, exploring his mouth, and everything was dancing like lights in his mind as they seemed fused together, one person, one entity—

Angel jerked back away from him, breathing hard. His face was flushed and his eyes were black in desire and passion as he stared hard at Xander's mouth. "I can't do this," he whispered. "This is crazy, the way…Jesus!"

"I…" Xander tried, but words failed him. There were no words.

"That was your first kiss!" Angel whispered. He looked strange, like he was almost blaming Xander but more blaming himself.

"I'm sorry," Xander murmured. He felt sick; he hadn't wanted this, hadn't wanted to abuse Angel's trust in telling him this story. He felt like a horrible human being, like he'd betrayed Buffy and himself in one fell swoop. He felt humiliating tears burning on his cheeks as Angel suddenly pulled him into a hug.

"It's not your fault, okay?" Angel whispered into his hairline. "I'll see you around, Xander." He said Xander's name like a prayer, like a promise, and he pressed his lips against Xander's forehead firmly before he stood up and grabbed a shirt and a jacket and headed out of the apartment.

Spike had come in a few moments later to find Xander sitting on the couch, staring at nothing. They hadn't had to say anything; Spike didn't know exactly what had happened but he understood anyway and sat down next to Xander.

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears_

_When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears_

_And I held your hand through all of these years_

_But you still have all of me_

***

Down to you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you

But I don't know what I—

Now when I caught myself

I had to stop myself

From saying something that I should have never thought

_Hard to believe that a week ago he'd had his first kiss with the love of his life. Hard to believe that Buffy and Angel…oh, God, why did this hurt so much?_

You got it, you got it

Some kind of magic

Hypnotic, hypnotic

You're leaving me breathless

I hate this! I hate this!

You're not the one I believe in

With God as my witness

_Xander had had to run from Buffy and Willow that morning, couldn't face anything. They'd all gone to the Bronze that night and Angel was there. He and Buffy had talked for a moment and Buffy looked unhappy. Xander felt Angel's eyes burning on his skin, and it made him angry then, so angry._

_How dare Angel stare at him like he was going through what Xander was going through? Angel had made this happen! Angel had made him feel like this! Angel had made him face the fact that he was gay! He could have gone on in happy denial until Angel's stupid looks had screwed Xander's entire life over!_

Now when I caught myself

I had to stop myself

From saying something that I should have never thought

Now when I caught myself

I had to stop myself

From saying something that I should have never thought

Of you, of you

_When Drusilla and Spike came in, Drusilla instantly forgetting Spike in favor of Angel, that was all that it took to snap what little self-control Xander had left. As Angel and Buffy headed over to their private corner, where he waited like he was nothing to Angel when in fact it was the opposite, Xander leapt up, surprising Tara and Willow._

Now when I caught myself

I had to stop myself

From saying something that I should have never thought

"_Are you okay, Xander?" Willow asked in concern. Spike and Drusilla met Buffy and Angel and it was the most tense standoff in history. Of course, Xander probably didn't help matters when he sent Angel a hurt look and before he could stop himself, in front of all his friends, grabbed Spike and kissed him, full on the lips._

_For a moment everyone stood, frozen, until Spike's amazingly sculpted lips melted under his and Spike's wiry, strong body was pressed against his and Spike's tongue was in his mouth until Xander broke off. Willow and Tara were sitting in shock, Buffy's mouth was hanging open, Angel looked like Xander had stabbed him and Drusilla was staring at Spike in some unidentifiable emotion. Spike wouldn't even look at him._

Now when I caught myself

I had to stop myself

I'm saying something that—

I should have never thought of you!

I knew—I know in my heart it's not you!

I know! But now I know what I want!

I want!

I want!

Oh, no, I should have never thought!

_Xander turned and sprinted from the Bronze as fast as he possibly could, and he didn't look back until he'd hit the church._

**Note: **_The songs used in this chapter are listed as follows—_

_Virgin State of Mind – K's Choice (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album)_

_Champagne Supernova – Oasis (What's the Story (Morning Glory?))_

_Brokenhearted – Vaughan Penn (Transcendence)_

_My Immortal – Evanescence (Fallen)_

_I Caught Myself – Paramore (Twilight (Music from the Motion Picture))_


	11. Chapter 10: I'll Try

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 10: I'll Try

_I am not a child now_

_I can take care of myself_

_I mustn't let them down now_

_Mustn't let them see me cry_

_I'm fine_

_I'm fine_

_I'm too tired to listen_

_I'm too old to believe_

_All these childish stories_

_There is no such thing as faith_

_And trust_

_And pixie dust_

_I'll try_

_But it's so hard to believe_

_I'll try_

_But I can't see what you see_

_I'll try_

_I'll try_

_I'll try_

"I'll Try" by Jonatha Brooke (_Return to Neverland (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_)

Willow found him first. He supposed that he was thankful that it was a Saturday morning so no one needed him to go to school, or even try to face the day. His parents were probably frantic. He couldn't bring himself to care. He felt dead inside, which was good; he didn't want to feel anything right now because there was only pain and self-disgust. So instead he'd gone to sleep, and when he'd woken up he'd just sat there.

He didn't hear her come in but he wasn't surprised when her weight settled down next to him, and he wasn't surprised that it was her and no one else who'd found him first. Willow magic. For a moment they both sat there, silent, enjoying being next to each other with no other people, no interruptions. It seemed that ever since Buffy had arrived there had been nothing but interruptions in the sibling-like friendship of Xander and Willow, and he felt a momentary flare of resentment before he frantically shut the feelings back down and returned to numb again.

"Hi, Xander," Willow said finally.

"Hey, Wills," he said, his voice a little husky. Probably from all the crying last night. He didn't want to think about it.

"How are you?" she asked after a moment.

"Fine."

"Don't lie to me," Willow said, her voice steely. "I know that we haven't been really close lately but I think I deserve more than you lying to me." Her voice sounded surprisingly pained, and he realized that he'd maybe hurt her more with his little explosion last night than he'd hurt himself. He felt scumlike.

"I'm sorry," he offered lamely. Xander had a feeling he'd be saying that more often soon.

"That's not good enough," she said angrily. He had a feeling he'd be hearing more of that soon too.

"What do you want me to say?" he asked, defeated.

"I don't know – the truth?" Willow snapped. "Look, I know you're going through something major but I think that this has to do with more than your parents, and Tara _told_ me to not get angry with you but damn it, Xander! I mean…you were _way_ out of line last night and I just…you didn't used to hide yourself from me." Her voice lost some of its fire, went down to the hurt.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Will," he whispered. "I don't know what I know or what I believe. I mean, why the hell is this happening to me?" Xander was suddenly angry, hurt and angry and wanting to lash out. "I mean, have I done something so _wrong_? I don't deserve this! 'God has a plan, Xander!' Bullshit!" he roared, and jerked away from her to kick the pew angrily.

"Xander, stop!" Willow said fiercely. "You didn't do anything wrong! You didn't _choose_ to be gay!"

"That doesn't stop it from destroying my life!" Xander yelled, his voice cracking. "I'm lying to my friends and I'm lying to my parents and I don't know anything anymore!"

"What you are doesn't destroy your life – you can do that for yourself," Willow said firmly. "It's the _choices_ that we make that decides our entire life, and that's not God's doing, that's _ours_."

"You're not even a Christian," Xander said weakly.

"All Gods or Goddesses are the same," Willow said. "And we can't expect God to just swoop down and solve all of our problems for us. That's why we _have_ choices: so we can _live_!"

Xander felt the walls of numbness that he'd tried to put up around his heart shatter in a shower of glass, cutting the wounds wide open – the pain, the anger, the fear, the self-disgust, and the love, the hope, the joy, everything that made him human experienced all at once. He dropped down on the pew and hung his head in between his legs, shuddering as the tears started going down his face.

Willow sat down next to him and put her arm around his back. He turned toward her and burrowed his face in her neck. She held him like a mother, like a sister, like a friend, and let him cry it out. They stayed like that for a long time, under the gentle sunlight streaming through stained-glass windows and bouncing off of the golden cross.

"I'm sorry," he whispered an eternity later.

"It's okay," Willow said, but Xander shook his head.

"No, it's not. I screwed up, Willow."

"I know," Willow said.

"Thanks," Xander said dryly.

"It's why I'm here."

"Last night…I…I was out of my head. I don't even know _why_ I—" He couldn't finish the sentence.

"Why you made out with Spike in front of half the Bronze?" Willow supplied acerbically.

"Yeah, that," Xander said.

"Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that one myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, underneath all the shock it was kinda hot to _watch_—"

"Willow!" Xander gasped, but she was smirking at him.

"Xander," Willow said, the smirk fading. "You're my best friend. We used to know everything about each other. I _swear_ no matter what you say I'm not going to repeat it to _anyone_."

"Not even Tara?" Xander asked.

"Not even Tara," Willow said without hesitation.

"Pinky promise?" Xander asked with a slight smile. Willow smiled back and they solemnly locked pinkies, as they'd done a million times over the years of their friendship.

Xander took a deep breath and decided that if he was going to make this confession, he was going to do it right. He could appreciate that this was happening in church. He'd been lying to himself and to others too much lately, and Willow was right. He couldn't expect God to just carry him through this.

"I…first figured out I was gay because of Angel," he said, taking the plunge. Willow's eyes widened.

"_Angel?_" she asked in disbelief.

"That first night at the Bronze," Xander said. "When he walked in. It was like…God, I don't even know that I can _describe_ it! It was like everything stalled. Freeze frame: there he was. I mean, you've seen him. He was just so…I don't know, like a real _angel_ just standing there and then our eyes met and I just…"

"You fell in love with him?" Willow guessed shrewdly. Xander nodded miserably. "Oh, Xander…"

"I know," he said bitterly. "But I just couldn't _stop_ it! It's like everywhere I went, there he was! And he's just so…so _beautiful_ and _intense_ and…I can't even tell myself that it's just a crush because I know it's not!"

"Have you talked to anyone about this?" Willow asked.

"Not as such, no," Xander said.

"What does _that_ mean?" Willow asked, staring at him.

"I kissed him," he said with a sigh.

"You _what_?!" she gasped. "What…with…what _happened_?"

"That night that you and Buffy were both busy and I went to hang out with Spike," Xander elaborated. Now that he had started to tell the story he could feel it being drawn out of him, like exposing the truth was making it better, somehow. "But Angel was there. He didn't have a shirt on," he went on, remembering.

"Well, what does he look like half naked?" Willow asked, trying weakly to joke about it.

"Perfect," Xander said, not joking. "I just wanted…so much…God, just thinking about him makes me hate myself because then I just think about Buffy and I want to die."

"The heart wants things that the mind knows nothing of," Willow said simply. "Keep going." She sounded like she understood exactly how telling the whole story was making him feel, and he gave her a grateful smile.

"He was drinking a beer and he invited me in. So we started talking. It was like…you know how when you're with someone and it's like this…_magic_, I guess, where the outside world just goes _away_?" he asked, struggling to explain.

"It's like that with Tara, sometimes," Willow said with a small smile. He smiled back, encouraged.

"Time just passed and then suddenly he was telling me about his childhood. I just felt so _bad_ for him. It was wrong that he'd hurt that much, you know? Like Tara? I just wanted to protect him." Willow put her hand on his face and smiled in sad understanding. "And then…I just saw it in his eyes. The way I feel when I look at him. I don't know, I just…_knew_, knew what was gonna happen. And I didn't do a thing to stop it. And then he was kissing me and it was…it was _heaven_," Xander whispered, in pain.

"It was something that I don't know if I'll ever feel again, ever understand. It was…God, it was so _good_! And then he was freaked, like…like he couldn't understand how it had happened, and he looked so angry with himself that he was my first kiss. He told me he was sorry and that it wasn't my fault. Then the next time I saw him it was…"

"After Buffy's birthday," Willow said. "At the Bronze." Xander nodded miserably. "And because you know that he and Spike and Drusilla are kind of weird around each other you just wanted to hurt him as much as he'd hurt you, so you kissed Spike."

"Yeah," Xander said miserably. "And now I feel like pond scum. Worse than pond scum. I hurt you and I probably hurt Buffy. I _know_ I hurt Angel and that look in his eyes makes me want to _die_, and I don't know if Spike is ever gonna talk to me again, and he's one of my best friends too, Willow. I hate myself right now!"

"Well, don't get me wrong, Xander," she said after a moment, "what you did was wrong. It was selfish and it was mean and it hurt a bunch of people that you love. But I understand why you did what you did. All you can really do now is apologize."

"I won't apologize to Angel," Xander said firmly. "I'm sorry that I hurt him but I just…I can't be around him right now. When I'm around him my world spins off into crazy Xanderland."

"Crazy _sexy_ Xanderland," Willow corrected him.

"Was it sexy?" Xander asked with a smirk.

"Don't go getting full of yourself," Willow said superiorly. "But you should go talk to Spike," she decided. "I think he deserves an explanation."

"What am I going to say to him?" Xander asked.

"I don't have a clue – but I trust you to figure it out," Willow said, standing up.

"Willow…what about Buffy?"

She gave him a look of pity. "Buffy doesn't know what's going on right now, she just thinks that you and Angel may have had a fight about something. I don't think that you should tell her – I think that you should talk to Angel."

"But—"

"Resolve face," Willow said firmly, and he gave up. When Willow wore her resolve face there was simply no reasoning with her. "You need to talk to Angel, because I do think that there's something going on between you two that you need to address before he decides what to do with either you or Buffy."

"Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom on me," Xander said grumpily. "Willow? Thanks."

She melted and hugged him fiercely. "You're my best friend, Xander. No matter what happens or how mad at you I get, you're my best friend."

"Me too, Wills. Me too."

When they pulled apart they ignored each other drying their eyes. Xander gave her a dry look. "You'd better get out of here."

"Why?" she asked suspiciously.

"Witches burn in churches," Xander said sanctimoniously. She shrieked and chased him all the way out of the church, smacking him the entire way. The sunlight streamed off the cross behind them, filling the room with light.


	12. Chapter 11: Ave Mary A

**A/N:** Hey, guys. Since exams are over I have a nice three-day-weekend over Martin Luther King, Jr. Day (RIP), so I might just post a whole bunch of this instead of a chapter a day. I know that TODAY I'm posting two chapters, but that's mainly because this chapter leads into the next chapter so well, so I decided to cut you guys a break and give you two chapters instead of one short one and one longer one.

Just to say again, to any of you who may be reading this that are waiting for the next installment in _the Passion of Angels and Demons_, I'm already more than 1/4 of the way through writing that and I have the entire chapter carefully planned out, so once I finish posting _Winter Song_ and one oneshot Angel ficlet that I wrote last week, _Passion_ will be the only thing, officially, on my writing plate.

Thank you and enjoy the story!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 11: Ave Mary A

_Motorcycles in the parking lot_

_Revving their engines and they just won't stop_

_Matches the noise screaming in my head—_

_Houston, I think we got a problem_

_Where does everybody go when they go?_

_They go so fast I don't think they know_

_We hate too fast and we love too slow—_

_London, I think we got a problem_

_Broken hearts all around the spot_

_I can't help thinking that we lost the plot_

_Suicide bomber and a student shot—_

_Tokyo, I think we got a problem_

_But for that they've got a pill_

_If that don't kill you then the side effects will_

_If we don't kill each other then the side effects will—_

_Cape Town, I think we got a problem_

_If the darkest hour comes before the light_

_Where is the light?_

_Where is the light?_

_Ave Maria_

_Where did you go?_

_Where did you go?_

_How did you know to get out of a world gone mad?_

_Help me—_

_Help me_

_Let go_

_Of the chaos around me_

_The devil that hounds me_

_I need you to tell me_

_Child be still_

"Ave Mary A" by P!nk (_Funhouse_)

The first place that Xander went that day was his parents'. His mother was washing dishes as his father ate a sandwich, looking down at the sermon notes that Xander had made for him earlier in the week. They both looked up as he let himself into the kitchen.

"Where have you been?" his father demanded angrily, taking in his rumpled appearance. His mother pursed her lips but said nothing.

"I was at church last night," Xander said truthfully.

"This is the second night that you've stayed out all night!" Tony said, glaring. "I don't approve of you splitting curfew—"

"He was there," Jessica said simply, turning back to her dishes.

"What?" Tony asked, turning to her.

"Xander's just been doing some thinking lately," she said calmly, smiling at him out of the corner of her mouth. "As I recall, that church was a great place to sit in the quiet and think."

"Yes," Tony said, a much calmer smile on his face.

"You guys aren't going to start in on the lovey-dovey stuff about how he proposed the second time around, are you?" Xander asked with a smile, taking the glass of orange juice his mother offered him.

"What can I say?" she said with a teasing grin. "I was swept off my feet by the disappearing beer belly."

"That's harsh, woman," Tony said.

"The truth hurts, my love," she answered, and sat down with them. These were the moments in his family that Xander lived for, when the church and restrictive beliefs didn't interfere with the fact that his parents were still in love with each other and he was their only child. He remembered Tara's voice in his ear: _They still love you Xander, no matter what_.

"What are you smiling about?" Tony asked.

"Something a friend told me," Xander said.

"Oh? Who?" Jessica asked.

"Tara McClay," Xander responded.

"Oh, I like her," Jessica said. "She's always quiet and polite and respectful and she knows her Bible verses back to front – it's so rare to find that in a teenager these days."

"What am I? A mutant?" Xander asked in mild indignation.

"What did you think you were?" Tony asked with a snarky grin.

"Fine," Xander grumbled good-naturedly, and took a swig of his drink.

"Although, I _did_ here this rumor that she's been spending a lot of time with that Willow," his mother said in concern. Xander looked at them and took a breath.

"She has," he said simply. "Willow and Buffy came to my church group a couple of months ago and they met there."

"They came to your _church group_?" his father asked, shocked.

"Yeah. We all had a lot of fun; Buffy got into an argument with Paul about Esther's real role in the Bible and she proved him wrong – but that was only because Willow knew the Bible verses better than Paul did, so she helped Buffy prove her point."

They were both staring at him as though he'd grown an extra head. "I thought I told you that I didn't want you hanging around her or her weird parents anymore," Tony said angrily.

"She's my best friend and she has been since we were two years old," Xander said flatly, refusing to back down on this issue as he usually had for so long. "I'm not going to stop hanging out with her just because she reads all kinds of weird books and hasn't quite figured out what she believes in yet."

"But, Xander—" his mother began, in what he guessed she thought was a logical tone of voice.

"Tara's made more friends now since she started hanging out with us than she has in years of living in Sunnydale," he said firmly. "She doesn't stutter as much and she meets people's eyes when she talks to them now. Her teachers have told me that she's been getting better grades in her classes too."

"Well, her parents should just consider what _that_ can do to a reputation in a small town like this," his father said angrily. Xander glared up at him.

"Firstly, her mom is _dead_ and secondly her father probably doesn't care about her reputation because he's too busy being an abusive bastard."

There was dead silence in the kitchen; you could've heard the earthworms crawling in his mother's garden outside.

"I'm sure that that Willow is lying to you—" Tony began after a thunderstruck moment, his face red, but Xander cut him off again.

"Not _that_ Willow. _My_ Willow. And she didn't tell me anything because Tara never talks bad about _anyone_ no matter what they do to her. I already _knew_ about the verbal abuse because of how she behaves around her family and the stutter, but I found out about the physical abuse when she accidentally flashed fingerprint bruises around her arms when she was pulling her sweater on after Wednesday night group, and her father and brother are the only men that she spends any great amount of time with, other than me and the other Church guys!"

Xander only realized that his voice was raised when his mother was staring at him in alarm. "Her father…_hits_ her?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know how far the physical abuse goes, but she's got enough emotional issues to fill a week of Dr. Phil shows all by herself," Xander said, more calmly. "It's a wonder that Willow, Buffy and I have been able to bring her out of her shell as much as we have. As soon as she hits 18, that girl is going to be out of her parents house faster than you can say 'of legal age.'"

For a moment the Harris family sat in companionable silence, the quiet, sunny, warm air of Sunnydale breezing through the open windows. Xander loved southern California, where even now, barely a month after Christmas, the air was warm and enticing.

This was home, he realized. It would hurt like hell to leave it, even with everything that was so astonishingly _bad_ about living in a tiny little town such as this, where the unequivocal town leader was the local evangelical preacher. Because just as much about it was _good_ – the peace and quiet, the lack of violence, knowing your neighbors and being friendly with everyone. He loved this place just as much as he hated it.

"You know, you should take a look at these new brochures we picked up today," Tony said quietly, staring down at his notes and changing the subject into a new direction that made no sense for a moment, breaking Xander out of his reverie.

"Brochures?" he asked absently, getting up to rinse his glass.

"For college – you know, you're going to have to start worrying about admission deadlines soon," Jessica said, sounding relieved at the change of subject, not wanting to think about Willow being able to help a child that had been physically and emotionally abused by what was supposedly an upstanding member of the church. Just like that, the silence of the kitchen was shattered, and Xander suddenly felt cold.

"It's not like you have to pick a place _now_," Tony said after a moment when Xander didn't say anything. "It's just good to have a net out there – apply to different places so just in case one's too far away or too expensive you have another one out there that you've been accepted to."

"Yeah, I did that," Jessica said. "My mother made me apply to three state schools before she let me send off for Liberty University, because we weren't sure that I was going to get in. Boy was I glad when I did! I didn't want to go anywhere _near_ an Oregon school!" She and Tony shuddered at the thought of such blatant liberalism.

"What are the colleges?" Xander asked quietly.

"Well, there're all sorts – we've got Liberty, of course," Tony said, warming to the subject, "but we've got St. Joseph College in Georgia, because I know how much you can't stand the cold—"

"Virginia isn't _that_ cold," Jessica cut in.

"Jess, you _loved_ that school; you'd _teach_ there if that's what you had a degree for," Tony declared. "We've got different schools in the Carolinas and there's even a Baptist school on an island," he continued to Xander.

"What if I wanted to study something different?" Xander said quietly. There was silence behind him and he realized suddenly that he was furious. The very air around him seemed filled with some sort of tension; he was still emotionally wore out from the night before and the _last_ thing he needed right now was his parents throwing in his face that they never gave a thought to what _Xander_ wanted to do.

"What?" Jessica asked, sounding a little confused.

"What if I wanted to study something different?" Xander repeated. "What if I don't _want_ a degree in theology?"

"What do you mean?" Tony asked, sounding a little gruff now, as if Xander were getting defensive about something.

"Well, you've never even _asked_ me before – you've always just assumed that I want to take over the Church of Sunnydale after college," Xander explained slowly, trying desperately to calm himself down. Getting angry at them would only make his father angry in turn and he wouldn't accomplish anything with this argument.

"Well…what else would you want to do?" his mother asked timidly. He realized that she at least had genuinely never thought that he would want to do anything else.

"Truthfully?" he asked, turning to face them. "I want to study psychology." They were both staring at him, openmouthed. "I love psychology; I've taken all of the psych electives they've offered at Sunnydale and I've even taken Sociology classes. I aced all of them without help in tutoring at all."

"What kind of psychology?" his father asked suspiciously.

"All of it," Xander explained. "Physical and emotional. I've read entire books about psychoanalyzing and criminal profiling – did you know that there are profilers out there that can look at one murder scene and give a probable physical description and physical habits and tics that the murderer has, and be right nine out of ten times?

"And then there's just psychoanalyzing, like therapy – helping soldiers with post-traumatic stress disorder, and counseling people through deaths in the family. There're churches that employ psychologists so if a member is having trouble dealing with something and needs help with their faith they can talk for hours to a licensed professional, and if they need a prescription for something they can get it!"

"But…but you _love_ working with the church," his mother said tremblingly, completely misunderstanding. His father was still just staring at him.

"I love teaching! I love being able to apply Bible verses to real life stuff and helping these kids – did you know that the reason I'm gone so long Wednesday nights is because I stay for an hour so that anyone who wants to unload something in secret can do it? Half of them stay because I've been using some of the books I've been reading, and it's helping! Anne was going to _leave_ the church after her mother got leukemia but now she comes every Sunday and helps you arrange the hymns, mom!"

"So you just want to give the church up?" his father asked angrily.

"No! You're not _listening_!" Xander said in frustration. "I'm just not sure that I want to _lead_ the church! I want to help people!"

"And what?" his father snapped. "Go to some liberal college and come out talking about, about _filth_ like that Freud talks about like having sex with your mother?!"

"No!" Xander said angrily.

"It's unnatural!" his father went on, yelling over him. His mother was silent and looked like she was about to start crying. "Getting into people's heads like that, only God can do!"

"So we shouldn't try and help people with things like multiple personality disorder?!" Xander asked.

"You know exactly how we feel about psychology!" His father spat the word like something dirty. "Now you've gone and taken _classes_ in it without my consent?"

"You're not listening to a thing I'm saying!"

"I listen! It's in God's hands and I won't allow it!"

"Well, the last time we all left it in God's hands we were telling everyone that schizophrenics were possessed by demons and we stoned them to death!" Xander yelled. His mother went white and his father looked like Xander had just spit on him but Xander was so angry that he couldn't bring himself to care.

"How _dare_ you!" his father roared.

"You can't control my life!" Xander yelled right back, and he was up and out the door without a backward glance.

"Alexander LaVelle Harris, come back here right now!" his father screamed, enraged, from the kitchen. Xander didn't look back, even as the neighbors peered over their garden fences to see what was going on.


	13. Chapter 12: Sing for Absolution

**A/N:** Okay, this should be the last chapter that I post for today, but I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be a multi-chapter update as well. Now that I'm about finished with this story, I must say that I'm so proud of it and happy with it that I'm going to want to finish posting it so that it'll be out there, waiting to be read.

Just a quick note for those of you perusing the music running through this, please remember that I will post a chapter at the end after the prologue dedicated to the soundtrack of _Winter Song_.

Thanks and enjoy the show!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 12: Sing for Absolution

_Lips are turning blue_

_A kiss that can't renew_

_I only dream of you_

_My beautiful_

_Tip-toe to your room_

_A starlight in the gloom_

_I only dream of you_

_And you never knew_

_Sing for absolution_

_I will be singing_

_And falling from your grace_

_There's nowhere left to hide_

_In no one to confide_

_The truth burns deep inside_

_Sing for absolution_

"Sing for Absolution" by Muse (_Absolution_)

The Bronze was packed when Xander got there, his feet having directed him wherever they wanted to go. He couldn't think about his destination. He was shaking and angry and scared and more emotionally exhausted than he'd ever been in his life. When he walked into the Bronze all the careless kids and young adults dancing their lives away in the electric shadows of the club filled him with a pang.

In another time he'd be here with Buffy and Willow, maybe with Spike, dancing crazy and laughing and not having a care in the world. Now Willow was letting him sort his issues out, Buffy probably wasn't talking to him, he'd had his first major fight with his parents of his life, and Spike probably never wanted to talk to him again.

He didn't feel like dealing with any of it.

Life has a funny way of making you deal, though; how did that old song go? _Isn't it ironic? Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out._

Spike was standing behind him, about to go up to the DJ deck, staring at him. Spike's face had no readable emotion on it, his blue eyes as cold as Xander had ever seen them. He wasn't moving or glaring or speaking, just staring, letting Xander talk first. Xander didn't have the first clue what to say, but he remembered Willow's words of that morning (had it only been that morning?): _Spike deserves an explanation_.

"Can I talk to you?" Xander asked finally, shouting to be heard above the noise of the speakers.

Spike seemed to think about it for a moment, but finally gave a curt nod of his head for Xander to follow him up the stairs as he headed up to the booth. Xander couldn't help a little childish thrill on the way up – he'd never been up here before and under normal circumstances he wouldn't be allowed up here. He shook it off, though, in nervousness. The booth did a surprisingly good job of muffling the noise. There was nothing preventing them having a very private conversation up here.

"So? Talk," Spike said in a short, clipped tone, and Xander knew that the young British punk was actually quite a bit more hurt than Xander had at first suspected. He fought back a wave of self-anger. This wasn't for him. Willow was right; Spike was too good of a friend for Xander to be allowed to wallow in self-pity. This was for Spike.

"I'm sorry," Xander began, and Spike snorted. Xander continued over him, "I know that isn't good enough but it's as good a place to start as any. I'm sorry that I did it and I'm sorry that I did it in front of people and I'm sorry that I did it to you most of all."

"Well, I'm sorry that I did it to _you_," Spike said, thinking that Xander had insulted him.

"Hey! I wasn't insulting you! And I happen to be very kissable, pal!" Xander informed him, trying to make a joke about it.

"Oh, yeah, you're a nummy treat," Spike said with a roll of his eyes. Xander rejoiced inside. If they were to the joking stage then Spike was already on his way to forgiveness. Spike did that, though; he forgave. Xander prayed that one day he'd have the same ability, but he shook that thought away.

"Don't forget it, either," Xander joked back, trying to organize his thoughts.

"How can I when you go all Conan on me and snog me in the middle of the bar?" Spike queried.

"That's not fair! We were in a dark corner," Xander reminded him. An unwilling smirk rippled briefly across Spike's face and Xander sighed a little.

"So? What did you need to say, other than you're sorry you couldn't keep your hands off my tight, muscular body?" Spike asked, trying to regain some of his anger.

"I wanted to talk to you," Xander said. "Explain some stuff…I just got my ass kicked by Willow this morning and she reminded me that you're too good of a friend for me to lose by doing something this stupid."

"Yeah, well, Red's a tough bird," Spike commented. He wasn't meeting Xander's eyes and Xander knew that he was embarrassed by the friend comment.

"She was right, though."

"Yeah, well…" Spike said, blushing slightly.

"I mean it, Spike," Xander said strongly. "You've been there for me through some tough crap and when all of this hit the fan in the first place you let me crash at your house no questions asked. You're a good friend, and I need you to know that I am sorry that I let my issues put my tongue down your throat."

Spike stared at him and Xander blushed furiously. "Okay, that came out a lot more sexual than it sounded in my head," he admitted.

"So, why did I get molested in the Bronze?" Spike asked. "I mean, you usually keep a good leash on the lashing out, pet," he pointed out.

"Not so much lately," Xander muttered.

"What happened?" Spike asked.

"I got into a fight with my parents today," Xander explained.

"_You_ actually had a _fight_ with your mum and dad?" Spike gasped, genuinely shocked. Xander nodded glumly. "Holy _hell_, that's been a long time coming!" the blond exclaimed excitedly. "What was it about?"

"Well, while I'm not _that_ excited about it," Xander drawled, "I ended up getting into a fight with them about Willow and then capped it off by finally giving them a bit of a clue that I wasn't all that interested in going to a holy college and studying to become Sunnydale's newest Preacher."

"You hit them with both of that in one day?" Spike asked, his eyebrow cocked and a smirk going across his face.

"After I told them that Tara's dad is abusive, yeah," Xander said miserably.

"You're harsh," Spike said approvingly. "I would've spaced it out a little, yeah?"

"It's not like a planned it," Xander said a little angrily. "You should've seen the look on my dad's face – I've never seen him that angry before. All it needed was for me to come out to him and he would've had an aneurysm in the kitchen."

"Relax, pet," Spike said, nudging his shoulder. "They'll get over it. Your parents love you – your dad's just a mite bit touched."

"Huh?"

"He's mad," Spike said.

"I already knew he was mad at me, Spike."

"No, I mean he's crazy," Spike said, exasperated.

"Well, why didn't you just say so?" Xander demanded. They both held a glaring match for about a minute before they busted out laughing, filling the small booth with the sound of friendship, He felt a little lighter, like a bit of the burden was coming out of him.

"So – why'd you kiss me?" Spike asked, genuinely curious. "Not that I didn't enjoy it, mind, but doin' it in front o' everyone might not have been your best idea."

"Well – you enjoyed it?" Xander asked, sidetracked.

"No need to get a swelled head," Spike said with a bit of a scowl. "Get on with it."

"Yes, sir," Xander commented sarcastically, and Spike sneered at him with that special British sneer that seemed to be a wretched insult and also a laugh at you and all of your relatives at once. Very sarcastic people, the British.

"Well?" Spike prompted. So Xander told him – everything that he'd told Willow that morning, starting from the beginning and leading up to the Bronze. He could feel the same emotions running through him that had been with him that morning – nervousness at revealing how he felt, shame for what he'd done, his feelings for Angel boiling to the surface of everything, just like they always did. When he finished, he eyed Spike warily. The young man wasn't looking at him, he was fiddling with the computer, setting in the second playlist before the current song could finish.

"Well, say it," Xander said after an eternity of silence.

"Say what?" Spike asked, a very curious tone in his voice.

"Tell me that I'm a horrible person," Xander said, "so I can apologize some more."

Spike laughed harshly. "You're not a horrible person, Xander – you're just so damn innocent," he said angrily. He turned to Xander and Xander was surprised to see that he was shaking, his eyes bright with hurt and anger at something that Xander couldn't comprehend.

"What do you mean?"

"Look, Xan, you're right," Spike said softly. "We're friends. I love you, always have. So I'm going to give you some good, all around advice – stay away from Angel. _Far_ away from Angel. As in move three states _away_ from Angel."

"I'm already avoiding—" Xander began warily.

"Yeah, avoiding," Spike cut in. "And how long will that last in Sunnydale? And what happens the next time you two can't keep it under control? I already guessed about that kiss, luv, from the way he talks about you. He thinks about you too much." Xander stared at Spike in disbelief. "Oh, don't look so shocked – you've got the prettiest eyes in Sunnydale and a good body and an arse that won't quit—"

"Spike!" Xander gasped, burning red in embarrassment.

"But that's not it," Spike said, not mocking him, regarding him with grave eyes that held a world of bitterness and sadness in them. "Look, Angel didn't tell you the entire story – trust me. Angel's fucked up, pet; he's got more issues than TV Guide and I don't want you getting drawn into thinking that you can fix him like you think you can fix everything. You're just his type, too – can see why he likes you. You don't want to get into this, Xander, _please_ trust me on this!"

And Spike _was_ pleading, begging, even, and Xander realized that Spike genuinely meant what he said.

"Okay," Xander said.

"Okay?" Spike asked doubtfully.

"Okay," Xander said. "I can't do it again anyway. I can't betray Buffy like that. And you're right. I don't even know _why_ I feel like I do – I don't know Angel well enough. I don't even know how much older he is than me."

"Good," Spike said, relieved. "Will you be okay to go home tonight?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah – I just need to think some more, get my head straight before I talk to them again," Xander assured him.

"Take care of yourself, pet," Spike said softly.

"You too," Xander told him seriously. He didn't understand the bitterness in Spike's eyes, but he took the hug the other man gave him and headed down the stairs of the Bronze, feeling a million pounds lighter with Spike's forgiveness in his heart.

It was when he went down into the Bronze that things started to go straight to Hell.

Xander was heading out the door when Cordelia Chase stepped out of the shadows in front of him. "Good evening, Xander," she said, a distinctly nasty smile on her pretty face. She was dressed in a demure shirt and a pair of pants, but she still somehow managed to make it look like she'd designed it at the mall herself.

"Hey, Cordelia," he said warily.

"So, I seem to remember hearing this interesting little tidbit, the other day, about your…preferences," she said, examining her nails casually. He went pale and felt his heart pounding as his palms started sweating.

"What did you do?" he demanded, feeling like he was about to hyperventilate. All he saw was his mother crying, his father's beet-red face screaming, spraying him with spit: _They've got it right, but the liberal news doesn't want you to know! AIDS was sent down, a gift on high, to rid us of the filth of the homosexual lifestyle! It is a blessing to us that it has spread to the God-designed couple, to weed out the sex-crazed wastes who pimp themselves out and lead God-fearing Christians into the temptation of the devil!_

"Oh, don't look so scared," she sneered. "I kept my word – I haven't told anyone. But I need a favor from you."

"What?" he asked. _Anything, I'll do anything, just don't say anything to my parents, please, please…_

"I need a date," she said.

"Huh?"

"My parents are having a party with the dean of a college that I want to go to because of their classes, and I need a date who's clean, wholesome, preferably a virgin, and who will boost me right to the good graces of the dean I want to be in. As you fit all of those categories…" she trailed off with a shrug.

"Okay," he said instantly.

"Um…thanks," she said, sounding surprised that she hadn't had to argue with him about it. He felt a twinge of sadness for her, suddenly.

"You know, Cordy," he said quietly. "I would have done this for you if you hadn't blackmailed me into it." Her face got an odd expression on it as he hurried past her out into the night, not waiting for a response.

The moon had risen while he was in the club and it hung in the sky now, a sickle or a scythe slicing through the night sky and searing him in pure, white light. The stars weren't obscured by pollution in Sunnydale because there just wasn't enough factories to put it there, and they glowed down on him now like all the choirs of angels, all of Heaven's host glittering down on him with fire.

_I may seem naïve_

_If I cry as you leave_

_Like I'm just some tortured heart_

_These cracks that I show_

_As I'm watching you go_

_Have been tearing me apart_

Xander wasn't altogether surprised to see Angel in a dark corner of the parking lot, standing outside of a black convertible, watching him. They were alone out here in the darkness, with nothing but the light of the moon to shine for them. Xander was struck with a wave of pain at the perfection of Angel's features and knew that he had to do as Spike said and distance himself from this. Staying near Angel would be unhealthy for him in more ways than one.

Angel's eyes spoke volumes as he walked toward Xander, his steps sure where Xander's were hesitant.

"Hey," Angel said at last, breaking the silence. His voice was just as deep and husky as Xander remembered, and the pleasurable tingles down his spine sure weren't going away. Xander felt dizzy as Angel's impossibly deep eyes held him like a snake holds a mouse.

_All your stormy words_

_Have barely broken_

_And you sound like thunder_

_Though you've barely spoken_

"Um…hi," Xander said, his voice small. He hated himself for the weakness that he heard in his own voice, but he couldn't seem to remember why he was trying to be strong enough to walk away.

"Didn't think I'd see you here again," Angel said softly.

"What do you mean?"

"Just thought you'd be with…with Spike." There was a world of something in that voice and in those eyes and Xander felt himself growing angry.

"Why? Are you jealous?" he challenged.

"Why would I be jealous?" Angel snapped, his voice dangerous. "Just because you threw yourself down his throat in the middle of the Bronze—"

"_Yeah_, and you having sex with Buffy? That wasn't painful at all," Xander said bitterly.

_Never took much to keep me satisfied_

_But all the bullshit you feed me—_

_You miss me, you need me—_

_This hungry heart will not subside_

"That was different," Angel said in frustration.

"How?" Xander demanded. "Look, it doesn't matter. That night is never gonna happen again. It can't."

"No, it can't," Angel agreed.

"Well, weren't you leaving?" Xander asked, gesturing toward the Bronze.

"Xander…" Angel ran his hand through his hair. "God, I told you that night, I told you—"

"Yeah, look, I got it, okay?" Xander said, mortified to feel tears building up in his eyes. "I'm not her."

"That isn't it!" Angel snapped.

"But you love her—"

"You're _better_ than her!" Angel yelled.

"What?"

"I don't know – I don't know what's going on with you, I don't know what I'm doing anymore!"

"Well, figure it out!" Xander yelled angrily. "You can't just jerk people around like this!"

"Why can't I?" Angel demanded, his voice hard and bitter, his eyes glittering oddly. "I'm not fucked up, remember? You told me that. Told me I might not be perfect but I'm not fucked up." Xander backed away from him but there was nowhere to go, no one out here in this dark lot but them and the moon, whose light sliced down on his skin like ice.

"Remember?" Angel whispered, his voice still odd, advancing on Xander like a predator. "That night, at my apartment?"

"I remember," Xander whispered brokenly. As if he could forget.

"I'm fucked," Angel whispered. "We both are."

And then he leaned in and his lips were on Xander's again.

_The angels said_

_I'd smile today_

_But who needs angels_

_Anyway?!_

Angel felt exactly as Xander remembered and more; a delicious shiver ran the length of his entire body like Angel's lips were an electric current that Xander had accidentally tapped into. Angel's lips were hard and demanding, owning him completely as he pulled Xander closer and Xander desperately tried to comply. It was fire and it was ice, it was heaven and it was hell. The taste of Angel, so indescribable, in his mouth and all he wanted was more, more and more and more…

This was too much, it was painful and it wasn't like last time, it was like Angel was trying to prove something to both of them and Xander felt…pain, in his chest like Angel was just using him, and then he was desperately trying to push Angel away but Angel's tongue was just as desperately trying to gain access to his mouth.

"Need this," Angel whispered harshly against his lips and Xander shoved harder until they broke apart.

"Stay away from me!" Xander yelled. "Just…stay _away_ from me!"

"Xander!" Angel called from behind him but he was sprinting as fast as he could behind the alley and he couldn't look back.

_He's taking_

_And leaving_

_But I keep believing_

_That he's gonna come round soon_

_Until I see him again_

_I can't stand believing_

_That it won't be deceiving_

_That he's gonna come round soon_

The house on Revello Drive was quiet, the outside lights turned off, but he could see light in the windows so he ran up to the door and knocked. After a few moments he knocked again, and Buffy opened the door, laughing at something her mother had said. She looked so beautiful it hurt and it made him think of Angel, but there was nowhere else that he could go. The petite blonde looked up with a million-dollar-smile that faded as soon as she saw the bruise on his chin where Angel had grabbed him, his flushed face, the tears in his eyes.

"Oh my God, Xander, what _happened_?" she gasped, and pulled him in.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he whispered. "I just…can't go home right now – please…"

"Of course," she said, without a moment of hesitation. "I'll do the guest room. You go wash up so my mom doesn't ask questions." He gave her a grateful smile that she returned as she went to go tell her mom that they had unexpected company.

He winced when he looked in the bathroom mirror. He was pale and he looked like he'd either been fighting or crying; he looked stressed out and hurt and bitter, and he realized with a start that he looked something like what Angel had looked like tonight.

Spike had been right on so many levels. Angel was _dangerous_, messed up on levels that Xander couldn't comprehend and couldn't deal with right now. He had his own issues and Angel needed to sort out his own. That didn't mean that he wasn't remembering the electrifying sensation of that kiss. He could never forget that.

He washed his face and felt some of the adrenaline leaving his system, and he knew he was getting ready to crash. He welcomed it. He wanted to go back to that night in the church, back when this whole mess had started, and he'd found acceptance and a sense of peace. He wanted that back, and he knew how to start.

He'd start pouring more of himself than he had been into his Wednesday church sessions, for one. He'd neglected the yard work at home, and he hadn't been as close with Willow or Buffy lately, and he wanted to work at those friendships, because they needed to be saved. He had to patch things over with his parents, and he would never, ever accept an invitation from Spike to return home.

He could accept that there was something going on between him and Angel that was just as powerful as it was inexplicable. But he could choose the moral high ground that had been there from the beginning – stay away from Angel. No matter how much it hurt, no matter where it led, he knew that it was healthier for everyone involved if that was the path he chose. And that was God's way, too; in order to find something better you had to give something up. Maybe that something better was helping Angel by staying away from him.

He headed downstairs feeling a little better, but paused by the kitchen door when he heard voices from the kitchen.

"Well, maybe I could talk to his mother—"

"Mom, I don't think that's the best thing right now," Buffy said.

"Well, if it's causing Xander this much misery—"

"They're his parents, and he loves them," Buffy said strongly. "And besides, how would you feel if I were a lesbian and you found out by proxy because I didn't want to tell you?"

"I'd march in the next Pride Parade," Joyce said flatly. "After you were grounded from late-night chocolate raids for a month."

"You're a twisted woman," Buffy said fervently.

"But still," Joyce continued. "I feel bad enough not helping Tara, but _she_ will be legally able to move from her father's house in two or three months. Xander's still going to be seventeen and at his parents' mercy until…when did you say his birthday was? October?"

"Look, mom, I'll talk to him tonight. But I think that Xander's strong enough to make his own decisions. You should see him with Tara and the other kids he helps in that church group. He's amazing; he'll get through this soon," Buffy said.

"Just – I went through something difficult like this during college," Joyce said. "It helped that my friends were there even when I didn't think I wanted them there."

"What did you go through?" Buffy asked curiously.

"I met your father, and we fell in love," Joyce said dreamily.

"How did you need friendly counseling for that?"

"He was engaged to another woman."

"Oh."

Xander knocked on the kitchen door and walked in. Joyce looked up from three steaming mugs of hot chocolate, and was in the process of pouring miniature marshmallows in all three of them. She looked like a mom in the middle of the night, wearing a bathrobe and a warm, welcoming smile. Buffy smiled at him from her mother's side, and he smiled back.

"Hey – thanks, Mrs. Summers," he said. "I'm really sorry about dropping in like this—"

"Forget it, Xander," Joyce said flatly. "Hot chocolate?"

Later that night she called his mother, and he heard the argument through the floor of Buffy's bedroom. He was telling her all about Cordelia, and how he'd apologized to Spike and Willow. Following Willow's advice and his newfound resolutions, he avoided the topic of Angel entirely.

"Well, it's good that you've made up with Spike," Buffy said. "I thought for sure that you were actually dating for a second there, until he looked like you could've suckerpunched him for all he saw that coming."

"Willow said she thought it was hot," Xander commented off-handedly.

"She would," Buffy said with a sly smile. "Once I got over the shock I just _loved_ the look on dear old Drusilla's face. She's so used to being the one _doing_ the flirting with _everyone_ else (guy or girl) that looks her way I don't think she _ever_ saw Spike doing that with anyone else coming."

"She is kind of a bitch," Xander agreed lightly.

"So, you're going to this party with Cordelia?" Buffy asked.

"Sure – it's not like she can suck out my soul or anything," he joked.

"Don't be too sure. I read a voodoo book once and I had this weird dream that this thing was sitting on my face and pouring blood in my mouth and sucking glowy stuff out of me, and for the following week I was a raving bitch to everyone who crossed my path!"

"I remember that! You were pretty mean," he said, laughing. "What happened?"

"Turned out that I had a nightmare because I had the worst period cramps of my _life_," Buffy said, shuddering. "Mom says that weirdly prolonged periods like that run in the family, till they have kids. I'm _doomed_ to repeat my mother's life!"

They both started laughing, until Buffy's mom called upstairs, "Better get to bed or no pancakes in the morning!"

"Out, man with manly bits," Buffy commanded.

"Oh, come on, what am _I_ going to do?" Xander joked.

"How should I know? This gay thing could be a cover," she snarked back.

"Yeah, to get under _your_ covers," Xander said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Out!"

Xander went to bed with a smile on his face, and pretended to sleep when Joyce snuck in on her way up to bed a half-an-hour later and gently tucked the covers in around him to make sure he was warm.

He told himself the tears on his pillow that night were happy tears.

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_"Sing for Absolution" by Muse (Absolution)_

_"Come Round Soon" by Sara Bareilles (Little Voice)_


	14. Chapter 13: Angels Would Fall

**A/N: **Hey, guys! Back again in the land of _Winter Song_. I was going to do two chapters today, but this chapter is really long and has a lot of different layers leading up to the next chapters, so I think that you'll be okay with just this one today. I'll probably do two tomorrow.

Until then, thank you and enjoy the show – and a special thanks to _Strangelove_, my very faithful reviewer.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 13: Angels Would Fall

_This rope that's wrapped around me_

_Is cutting through my skin_

_And the doubts that have surrounded me_

_Are finding their way in_

_I keep it close to me_

_Like a holy man prays_

_In my desperate hour_

_It's better—_

_Better that way_

_So I'll come by and see you again_

_I'll be such a very good friend_

_Have mercy on my soul_

_I will never let you know_

_Where my mind has been_

_Angels never came down_

_There's no one here they'd want to hang around_

_But if they knew—_

_If they knew you at all_

_Then one by one the angels_

_Angels would fall_

"Angels Would Fall" by Melissa Etheridge (_Greatest Hits: The Road Less Travelled_)

Although things at home had become very strained, Xander was more at peace than he had been all year.

He'd made his decision, even though it had been difficult. He'd owned up to what he'd done and made peace with his friends. He was taking a more active role in his church group than he had all year, which was paying off whenever he could help his group of teenagers. In all of the tumult over Angel, Xander had forgotten exactly why he loved helping people so much.

Tara had begun helping him prepare his meetings at his house on Wednesday nights, and Xander knew that that was helping him patch things up with his mother, at the very least. His father wasn't speaking to him, but that was the least of his problems where his parents were concerned. This being Sunnydale, after all; Willow had called over at Buffy's that morning after the blowup and informed them that all of Xander's neighbors had told the entire town that the Harris family had had a screaming match ending with Xander running away.

Tara advised him to shrug it off. "People in Sunnydale talk, Xander, that's what they do and that's all they do. They don't know how to do anything _but_ invade other people's privacy. You just have to remember that your life isn't their life, and live it for yourself, not for how other people think," she told him one night.

"Like with Willow?"

"Exactly," Tara said placidly. "She is who she is and if people can't accept that she doesn't go off and say, 'Well, go to hell, you're a jerk,' she says 'I'm sorry,' and then she moves on with her life."

Xander's father was furious with him. The neighbors were talking about them and according to Tony that was the deepest shame. He'd marched right into Sunnydale and demanded that Xander be removed from the psychology classes, and then blown up when he realized that Xander had taken them all since ninth grade and couldn't take any more because he'd passed all that the school offered.

Tony had furiously forbidden him from doing anything after school that wasn't strictly church-related, all of Xander's friends had to be approved by his parents, and at home he wasn't allowed to read anything non-Biblical. Xander accepted this without argument, but that didn't stop his friends from gate-crashing.

Buffy, Willow, and even Spike were now fixtures of the Wednesday night study group. Spike seemed to scare some of the rowdier boys into submission, so Xander accepted that as a plus. And then, of course, there was the massive amounts of shock when they had planned a hymn night and Spike showed up with a guitar and an extremely impressive singing voice. Buffy turned out to have a pleasant soprano and could read music fairly well, but Tara outshone everyone with her high voice that was clear as a bell and nearly made Willow cry.

Willow and Xander warbled their way through "Our God is an Awesome God" before they were good-naturedly booed down. Willow's face was on fire but Xander was laughing so hard he nearly cried. Tara patted Willow's hand, but she was laughing too.

Buffy and Willow were amazing friends, and Xander thanked God for them every day of his life. Buffy was one of the few allowed at his house, and she came over once a week with some smuggled hot chocolate from Joyce. Xander caught up on all the school gossip that he didn't have time to discuss with Buffy in school – Xander and Cordelia becoming an item was actually the top feature this month, although there were rumors swirling around the campus that Xander was secretly dating Spike and also smoking and drinking.

"Smoking and drinking?" Xander asked with a laugh.

"Oh, God, you should've _heard_ Jonathan, he sounded so distraught, thought that you were on coke because of Mary Hanover," Buffy snorted, wiping away tears of mirth.

"Distraught?" Xander asked with a laugh.

"Oh, come on, Xander, half the school still has a crush on you because you went on the swim team that one time in a Speedo," Buffy said with a smirk.

"You told me you destroyed those pictures!" Xander cried, aggrieved.

Willow loaded Tara down with care packages so that Xander wouldn't get behind now that they couldn't study together after school. She highlighted important notes, ran copies of her class notes, and then gave Tara a note to sign in her own hand so Mrs. Harris could have the homework answers to give to Xander after he was done. She usually snuck a chocolate in there, but once she found a Snoopy Pez dispenser that he lorded over Buffy for a week.

Spike was horrified at Xander's prison sentence, as he called it, and was determined that Xander get around it. He took lunch breaks and drove to school in his beat-up black De Soto and picked up Xander, Buffy and Willow for their lunch hour. Of course, he made them cough up change to pay for their own food, but Xander had the lurking suspicion that Spike enjoyed the lunches as much as they did.

Spike and Xander never discussed that night at the Bronze or Angel, and it was an unspoken agreement amongst the trio that they would never bring Drusilla up unless Spike brought it up first. Instead they talked about college plans and the crazed happenings of Sunnydale campus, which Spike drank up, marveling at how bad things had gone.

"I thought this was a white hat school!" he would exclaim constantly.

"Oh, God, are you kidding?" Buffy said, slurping a chocolate milkshake down greedily at the Espresso Pump. "Do you remember Pete?"

"Wot, weird Pete who smelled like the chem lab?" Spike asked. "Little bugger what used to follow me n' Dru around like he was tryin' to pick up tips on how to score girls?"

"Yeah," Willow said enthusiastically. "Well, it turned out that he was experimenting with energy drinks, and he flipped out on one that turned out to be like, _meth_ or something, and started hitting his girlfriend Debbie until she finally got pissed off and hit him with a crowbar, so now he's at a rehab clinic and she's doing community service!"

"Kids these days are crazy," Spike commented.

"Says the guy who got drunk and led a posse from the Fish Tank to Parent-Teacher Night and broke in through the bay windows," Xander returned with a winning smile.

"Ooh! I _remember_ that because of crazy Sheila!" Buffy said, incensed.

"Sheila? I remember that bitch," Spike commented with a shudder.

"Yeah, I got into a fight with some stupid guy right after Sheila stabbed her teacher with pruning shears," Buffy said, remembering, "and Snyder made us do Parent-Teacher Night together (Xander and Willow helped with everything, of course) and then _you_ crashed in and I was _so_ mad that we got into a fistfight and my mom came at you with an axe," she finished with relish.

"You never told us that part!" Xander said, deeply impressed.

"Not one of my finest moments, getting taken out by a suburban mum with a 'tude," Spike admitted.

"And Snyder blamed _me_ for the whole thing, of _course_," Buffy said. "Because Sheila turned up later in one of the closets _necking_ with one of the drunks."

***

_Fountain, fountain_

_We are the same_

_Fountain, fountain_

_We are the same_

_You with the water_

_And me with the pain_

_It is so beautiful how you remain_

Buffy and Scott Hope were flirting with each other. Willow didn't see it lasting and she was having one of her few disagreements with Tara – of course, they weren't fighting about it, but they disagreed on it. Tara thought that Scott was much better for Buffy than Angel. Xander didn't figure that he was anywhere near impartial enough to make a judgment so he kept out of it.

Buffy was in love with Angel, and everyone knew it, but she said that he had a lot of issues to work out, and she wasn't too sure that he was as into her as she was into him. So they were taking a bit of a 'break,' so to speak, and Buffy was flirting with Scott Hope, a blissfully normal senior whose only major bad factor was a secret joy of the Backstreet Boys.

Willow said that Buffy was just projecting her feelings away from Angel and onto the first cute boy that eyed her back. Tara said that after her tumultuous relationship with Angel, she needed a breath of normalcy in her love life and Scott was very good for her. Xander tended to agree with Tara – she was nearly empathic in figuring out exactly what was going on in people's love lives.

In the interim Angel was just very depressed, Spike told him one lunch break when Buffy had opted to stay with Scott at the cafeteria. He was drinking more, which was a problem considering that he'd once gone to AA meetings.

"Look, pet," Spike said hesitantly, seeing Xander's face at the news. "Maybe…maybe you could talk to him, yeah?"

"No," Xander said flatly.

"Xander," Willow began, but Xander shook his head fiercely.

"I _can't_ be around him, at least not right now. And Angel needs more help than I can give him. I _do_ feel bad for him; I feel for him anyway. But I'll just…complicate things more," Xander said.

"Alright," Spike said, dropping the subject.

Xander tried to not feel guilty about it. He tried to not feel _anything_ about it. But he couldn't get the image of Angel, alone, lonely, in his dark, sad apartment, with nothing but the false comfort of alcohol to get him through. He wanted to only remember the desperate Angel that had nearly hurt him that night in the parking lot. But that Angel only led to thoughts of the Angel that Xander loved.

_That_ Angel was kind and caring, made bumbling attempts at making people feel better, always tried to help even when you didn't want his help. _That_ Angel was a beautiful person, not just on the outside. If there was only that _one_ side of Angel!

But Xander knew that there was another side, a side of pain and bitterness and darkness that Xander wanted to hide from and protect Angel from at the same time. That Angel was dark and passionate and intense and burning with something unidentifiable and scary. It was unfair that someone as beautiful as Angel should be as plagued as he was.

Xander felt disgusted with himself. Buffy was still in love with Angel, and whether Xander liked it or not, they were together. It was _Buffy_ that Angel had slept with. He wanted to believe that that night had meant nothing to Angel but it was Angel himself who'd told him different. Who could he believe? Which Angel had been speaking to him then?

It didn't do any difference. He thought about Angel every day anyway. He prayed to God to give him the guidance that he needed to figure out what to do. The best thing _had_ to be to stay away from Angel…not matter how painful that was. He had to deal with the pain because that was what was best for Angel, and one thing that Xander had learned was that true love was not selfish, and he would not be selfish to Angel.

***

_Beauty queen of only eighteen, she_

_Had some trouble with herself_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile_

_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_

_And she will be loved_

Cordelia somehow managed to sweet-talk Xander's parents into dropping the grounding a few weeks later, and Xander's mother agreed because of his good behavior and how he'd accepted the punishment without argument. Xander's father pursed his lips but said nothing as Cordy and Jessica eagerly talked about the banquet and what Xander would wear – clothing was one of Jessica's few vices.

Xander was sitting in the living room, trying not to wince when his mother started talking cummerbunds. To his surprise, Cordelia gave him a slight smile and said "Nah – cummerbunds are _so_ last season."

He gave her a grateful look, and she turned back to his mother as if nothing had happened.

***

_Over the sea and far away_

_She's waiting like an iceberg_

_Waiting to change_

_But she's cold inside_

_She wants to be like_

_The water_

_All the muscles tighten in her face_

_Buries her soul in one embrace_

_They're one and the same_

_Just like water_

_Then the fire fades away_

_But most of everyday_

_Is filled with tired excuses_

_But it's too hard to say_

_I wish it were simple_

_But we give up easily_

_She's close enough to see that_

_You're on the other side of the world_

_To me_

"I'm taking pictures," Joyce announced as Xander walked down the stairs.

"This isn't prom!" Xander said, embarrassed.

"No, but we've never seen you in formal wear before," Jessica said. Following the four-hour long phone conversation the night that Xander had stayed at Buffy's, the two mothers had been spending more time together – Joyce went to church every Sunday anyway, with or without Buffy, and she had taken to singing in the choir ("It's a _nightmare_," Buffy told him fervently. "She sings _everywhere_ now – in the shower, cooking breakfast, getting me up for school! Something needs to be done!") with Xander's mom as the choir director.

Buffy and Joyce had shown up before Cordelia showed up to take him up to the Chase mansion, and had decided that there must be pictures of the big event. "These pictures will never leave this house," he said as he finally came downstairs. It felt like everyone was staring at him and he squirmed uncomfortably.

"You clean up nice, Xand," Buffy said appreciatively. He was wearing a silky black tuxedo and his hair was slicked back in a 'rich' style, according to his mother.

"Oh, don't you look handsome?" his mother fawned, and even Tony grunted approvingly over his newspaper.

"Mom," Xander complained as she gave him a big hug.

"Oh, you didn't even _go_ to any of the Homecoming dances these other years; I've been storing this up since you hit ninth grade," she said with a sappy grin. He sighed theatrically but couldn't help smiling at the expression on Buffy's face – she was clearly trying to hold back a full-belly laugh but looked like she was busting her ribs in the process.

There was a knock at the door just then and Joyce opened it to see Cordelia walk in. Cordy was a usual stunner; you almost got used to the knockout effect, especially when her acidic insults were turned on you. But tonight her hair was coiffed up in an elegant basket weave that let her natural curls fall gently around her face, which was done up in just enough makeup to look natural. She was wearing a pale yellow gown that faded into dusky rose down at the lacy bottom, and she looked like a foreign princess as she glided into the Harris household.

"Oh, my _word_, Cordelia, you look wonderful!" Jessica praised her as Joyce made approving noises. Buffy shot her a death glare that made the compliment die in her throat; instead, she raised the camera and snapped another shot. "You two are just like a portrait together!"

Once the photoshoot was over (Xander by himself, Cordelia by herself, Buffy by herself, Xander with his mother, Xander with his parents, Xander with Cordelia, Xander with Buffy, Buffy with her mother, and Buffy with Cordelia (as they both tried to not kill each other with their psychic powers)), Cordelia led Xander out of the house, grinning from ear to ear.

"What's so funny?" Xander asked.

"I just never knew that you'd look good in formal wear," Cordelia commented.

"I'm not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult."

"They call them backhanded compliments, these days," she said with a sunny smile.

Xander didn't talk much more as she stomped at the gas – he'd learned something important about Cordelia just then: she drove like a blind, drunken maniac. He held on to his seatbelt and tried to not be obvious about holding himself back from stomping on the invisible brake on the passenger's side of the car.

They arrived at the Chase mansion in record time, and he tried to make himself look more presentable than he felt as she let herself out and he stepped out. He hadn't been anywhere near this mansion since they'd stopped trick-or-treating on Halloweens (or, at least, the others went; Xander's parents didn't believe in Halloween and they had him knocking on doors with his best innocent smile, convincing people to take their children to the church instead).

It was just as large and imposing as he remembered it, glaring down at them in imperiousness. He saw Cordelia's footsteps automatically soften and some of the anger of her confidence went out of her as she headed towards her home. He felt a soft pang of…was it pity? He couldn't tell. All he knew was that no one should be mentally preparing themselves that much to walk in to their home.

The door opened and a butler bowed to him condescendingly as he walked in. Mrs. Chase looked him up and down and said "He'll do." Without another look at her daughter, she headed for the dining room. Xander caught the fragility on Cordelia's face before she hid it and silently held out his arm.

The dinner was delicious but the food didn't settle well with his stomach. He'd had to answer some perfunctory questions to the well-mannered dean, but other than that his only job was to sit still and look good – which seemed to be Cordelia's only task, as well. Her parents never let her speak on her own behalf, and for all the world she could have been a princess being bartered by her parents due to the curse of beauty.

Xander felt himself growing angrier and angrier at the Chases. It was the same anger that he felt toward Tara's family, he realized. Tara's parents may have been outright abusive, but at least they didn't treat their daughter like a marble statue. It was as if they paraded everyone around Cordelia to say: _Look, this is youthful beauty, a representation of the Chase wealth and prestige; admire us by admiring her._ They treated her like she was the blip in the scheme of get rich and spend the money while stabbing each other in the back at every turn.

No wonder Cordelia was so good at being nasty; she knew no other way to survive.

By the time the dinner was finally over, Xander made his excuses about having to go to church the next morning, causing him to have an early night. The dean clapped him on the shoulder. "So good to see young people who have interest in _values_ and _traditions_," he said, beaming at Xander and Cordelia but not really seeing them. It was clear that he'd been sold on the idea of having Cordelia grace his school's hallways, and her parents grace the wall of benefactors.

He probably didn't even know that underneath her exterior Cordelia had done higher on her SAT's than about 8/10 of the rest of the senior class.

Cordelia drove him home in silence. "Thanks, Xander," she said quietly, looking more exhausted than he was. She looked amazingly fragile and maybe that was why he said what he said.

"Do you maybe want to come to Wednesday night group?" he asked. She stared at him in amazement, unsure. "We have a lot of fun – there's music and food, and we bring games in and it's not just about the Bible; it's about friendship."

"Maybe I'll make an appearance," she said after a moment, giving him a genuine smile. "You losers could use the boost."

"Of course," Xander said with a snarky grin.

"Out, Harris," she ordered, but she was smiling as she drove away.

***

_You can find yourself a God_

_Believe in which one you want_

'_Cause they love you all the same_

_They just go by different names_

_It means nothing_

_It means nothing_

_If I haven't got you_

_If I haven't got you_

Although Buffy and Willow stared at her in amazement, Cordelia showed up on Wednesday night with none of her friends or hangers-on. She looked good in a casual-wear outfit, and sat down in one of the empty chairs without her usual flair for the dramatic. Xander gave her a warm smile, which she pretended not to see, before Spike broke out in a rousing rendition of "I Know What Boys Want."

The audience laughed appreciatively and even Cordy gave a reluctant smile before Xander rose up to begin.

From then on, Cordelia had become, if not a friend, someone that Xander couldn't quite figure out but knew instinctively that he could quite like, if she'd open up. Buffy, thankfully, kept her biting remarks to herself (at least at Church; if the two ever saw each other in school it was still open season and the matches were no-holds-barred verbal fights to the death), and Willow had Tara to calm her down.

It was also accepted by Xander's parents that he and Cordelia were "dating," and he was allowed to go out with more and more of his old freedom.

It was a charmed month and a half, a period in his life that Xander would always treasure. Buffy dumped Scott Hope and spread the rumor that he had herpes (she wouldn't admit to this, but Xander had his suspicions seeing as how he'd told everyone that she was a lesbian with Willow – what Buffy didn't realize was that Scott said that about _every_ girl he ever broke up with), which made Spike bust out laughing.

Willow and Tara had exchanged promise rings, though they didn't say anything about it. Xander had given Tara a golden chain that had his great-grandmother had worn at her wedding. He strung the ring on it so she could hide it if she wished.

"I can't take this, Xander," she said in amazement.

"I won't take it back," Xander said flatly. "It's yours, because my great-grandmother was married to my great-grandfather for more than fifty years, and I think that if anyone deserves that love around them, you do."

She'd burst into tears and flung her arms around his neck, which Cordelia teased him about relentlessly, but he didn't mind. Cordelia, when they were alone, was starting to relax her guard around him, little by little. He grew to appreciate her brutal honesty, even when it was turned on him, because the truth, even if it hurt, was always a better policy than a lie.

It was a charmed circle, made up by bonds of friendship, family, and love.

***

_I feel the dream in me expire_

_And there's nothing left to blame it on_

_I hear you label me a liar_

'_Cause I can't seem to get this through_

_You say it's over and I can sigh again, yeah_

_Why try to stay sober when I'm dying here?_

_I am_

_Aware now_

_Of how everything's gonna be fine_

_One day_

_Too late_

_I'm in Hell_

_I am_

_Prepared now_

_Seems everyone's gonna be fine_

_One day, too late, just as well_

Spike was doing amazingly well at his DJ gig and proudly showed Xander the balance in his account. "I'm gonna be able to move out of that apartment whenever I want to," Spike said happily.

"Not enough room in there?" Xander asked, his voice a little strained. If there was one thing that could spoil his happiness, it was talking about Angel. He hated that he still felt that way, but he couldn't deny it and it was no use trying. Being away from Angel was like an ache; he ached to see him, he ached to hear his voice, he ached to touch him. But he knew, in the end, that he'd made the right decision.

That knowledge was small beans next to the big fist wrapped around his heart, some days.

"I'm thinkin' about leavin' Dru there," Spike said quietly, as they walked away.

"What?" Xander gasped, astonished. "_Why?_"

"Oh, come on, Xander," Spike said. "I love her. Love her to death. But I'm tired, too; tired of the ol' ball n' chain and m' tired of the way she drags off with those _slags_ and…I just don't know what she wants, and I don't think she knows what she wants."

"Spike…who is Drusilla, really? I mean, all the time I've known you she was always just…_there_," Xander said hesitantly.

"Drusilla," Spike said with a sigh. "You sure you want to hear about this, pet?"

"Yes," Xander said. He had a feeling that Spike needed to talk about this, anyway, and if it would help Spike then he would do what he could.

"Drusilla was in the troubled part of the orphanage in the dirtier part of London," Spike said. "There was a serial killer in those days, tryin' to copycat Jack the Ripper or something like that. Drusilla caught his attention, I guess, because he came after her big time. Killed her whole family. She was nine."

"Oh my God," Xander whispered, horrified.

"Yeah," Spike said. "Well, Dru ran this way n' that, hittin' the orphanages o' good ol' London. By the time she was fifteen she was a thief, a liar, a brawler, and more n' a little off her head. So she meets Angel when he's helping out at the orphanage. She was nearly seventeen, wanted to get out o' there 'fore they put her to work as soon as she was legal."

"Angel?" Xander whispered.

"Yeah. He was there after what…what happened with Darla n' Connor. He helped out in orphanages and the like 'cause it was suggested by a counselor."

"Oh."

"Yeah…well, anyway, Drusilla's crazy and…well, you know how Angel reels 'em in. Weren't long 'fore they were shagging. Angel has this thing about wanting to take care of people. Why I told you you were his type. You remind me n' him a lot o' Dru when she was your age," Spike said absently, taking a long draw on his cigarette, not meeting Xander's eyes.

"But…I'm not…" Xander said. He felt sick, a little dizzy, and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear the rest of this.

"Well, when she lets the guard down. Vulnerable, hurt, unsure, mite bit timid." Spike _definitely_ wasn't meeting his eyes now, and Xander looked away from him, staring at the people passing by them, the sun in the sky, anything. It was like the peaceful bubble that he'd been surrounding himself with these days was popping.

"Anyway, they move in together, n' some time later Dru and I met each other. I fell head over fuckin' _heels_, and I guess she felt somethin' because I went home with her that night. I've been with her ever since, and Angel made sure that we had a place to stay so's we could take a stab at finishin' high school.

"You remember how _that_ one went," Spike said with a smirk. Xander smiled weakly back at him. Spike and Drusilla had been expelled for having sex on campus, starting fires, smoking, starting fights, and trying to incite the student body to rebellion against Principle Snyder, all in the space of about six months.

"What happened to Angel?" Xander couldn't stop himself from asking. Spike gave him a look, and Xander didn't want to see the pity in his blue eyes.

"Went to LA for a while, tryin' to find himself or some such. Came back to Sunnydale and settled down, and now he's taking night classes at the university, workin' on his art," Spike said, his voice emotionless.

"How is he?" Xander asked finally, unable to contain himself.

"He's…bloody awful. Depressed, brooding, self-hating," Spike said flatly. "Takin' it out on people what don't deserve it."

"Has he been hitting you?" Xander asked hesitantly.

"Nah. Physical abuse ain't his style," Spike said with a bitter snort.

"Spike—"

"Look, I stand by what I said. I care about you, Xand, and because I care about you, I'm tellin' you, stay the hell away from him if you don't want to end up as fucked as I am," Spike said, and stomped away, his Doc Martins hitting the pavement with ferocious intent on every step.

Xander wrapped his arms around himself and tried to not feel cold. The setting sun looked like blood, bathing everything in its hot, angry light. Xander cursed himself for a fool as he turned around and began to walk to Angel's apartment.

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"Angels Would Fall" by Melissa Etheridge (_Greatest Hits: The Road Less Traveled_)

"Fountain" by Sarah Lov (_Bones [Original Television Soundtrack]_)

"She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5 (_Songs About Jane_)

"Other Side of the World" by KT Tunstall (_Eye to the Telescope_)

"It Means Nothing" by Stereophonics (_Bones [Original Television Soundtrack]_)

"Fine Again" by Seether (_Disclaimer_)


	15. Chapter 14: Heartbreaker

**A/N:** This is going to be another two-chapter post, and this is where the sexy stuff starts happening! But there's a lot packed into these two chapters, so pay attention. We're starting to reach the end of the story – I'm pretty sure this isn't going to go farther than 22 chapters, and we're already at chapter 15.

A very special thanks to sun_hime of LJ for her steady reviews. I hope this brings your day up!

**SPECIAL NOTE:** _Today's update is dedicated to Martin Luther King, Jr. To a life well-lived with meaning, grace, and dignity, may your dream one day fully come true, no matter what skin color, religion, gender, or sexuality we may be. Rest in peace, good doctor; and may Heaven have a special place for you._

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 14: Heartbreaker

_I keep thinkin' 'bout that little sparkle in your eyes_

_Is it a light from the angels, or your devil deep inside?_

_And what about the way you say you love me all the time?_

_Are you lifting me up to Heaven, just to drop me down the line?_

_Temporary happiness is like waitin' for the knife_

'_Cause I'm always watchin' for someone to show their darker side_

_There's always this one question_

_That keeps me up at night:_

_Are you my greatest love or disappointment in my life?_

_Are you a heartbreaker?_

_Maybe you want me for the ride_

_I pray to God you're not a heartbreaker_

_This time around I won't survive!_

'_Cause if I'm fallin' for a heartbreaker_

_And everything is just a lie_

_I won't be leaving here alive_

_I might as well lay down and die, oh_

_I won't be leavin' here alive_

"Heartbreaker" by P!nk (_I'm Not Dead [Platinum Edition]_)

Xander paused outside the apartment before he raised his fist to knock. Was this really a good idea? Of course it wasn't, at least not for him. But it might be the right thing to do for Angel, and where that was concerned Xander was already spoken for. If he could help Angel then he would, and he'd worry about the emotional damage to himself later.

His mind made up, he knocked on the door. For a moment he waited outside, and then he knocked again. He heard muffled cursing, and then the lock went back and the door slowly opened. Angel stood there in a dirty shirt and a pair of old black sweats, blinking blearily at the streetlights. He looked awful; his hair was ruffled from bed, his were clothes wrinkled, and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he was nursing a hangover.

"Xander?" he asked, confused.

"How much have you been drinking?" Xander asked, shocked.

"A bit," Angel muttered, looking away almost guiltily. "Look…I don't think it's the greatest—"

"Move," Xander said flatly, and shoved his way in. Angel blinked, but shut the door. "Come here," Xander ordered, and Angel walked toward him. Xander pulled Angel's shirt off and moved him toward the bathroom. Angel obeyed meekly, and Xander didn't even feel the usual excitement he got around shirtless!Angel. He looked pathetic, and all Xander wanted at that moment was to take care of him.

In the small bathroom, Xander went to the sink and started the cold water. Angel sat down on the toilet and Xander took a washcloth and sopped it with the liquid. Angel shivered and whispered a curse as Xander gently wiped it over his face, tickling Angel's stubble and wiping the sleep-crust away from Angel's eyes.

"Thank you," Angel whispered, his dark eyes staring up at Xander with a sort of warmth in them, a surprise that Xander would take care of him like this. He took Xander's hand and gently stroked his thumb along the top, and Xander chewed on his bottom lip nervously before he disengaged the touch.

"Get in the shower," he said softly. "I'll grab some clean clothes and some coffee."

"Alright," Angel agreed.

"Okay," Xander said.

"Okay," Angel said with a soft smile.

"Okay," Xander said, and left the room, distracted by the smile. He shut the door and absolutely refused to think about the fact that Angel would be naked behind that door, warm water running all over that beautiful body…He shook his head fiercely and shuddered, heading off to the kitchen with firm steps.

As the cranky water heater turned on, Xander made a large pot of coffee in Angel's old coffeemaker, thanking God that Spike and Drusilla were nowhere near home. He headed down the hall and saw two bedrooms. He glanced in the one to the left and saw a dark, windowless chamber, with cigarette buts everywhere, punk rock posters sharing the walls with painting reprints and Broadway posters, silk scarves covering dolls and Sid Vicious collectibles. "Spike and Dru," Xander said with a small smile. That just left the room to the right – Angel's room.

He slowly stepped into the room, breathing in the spicy scent of Angel reverently. Angel's room was a bit of a mess, but Xander got the impression that that wasn't usual. The walls had some art prints on them – Picasso and other surreal scenes. There was one of Angel's own works, and Xander paused. It was a large painting, one that had clearly taken him ages to do. The bottom scene was a graveyard, and a man that resembled Angel laying a rose on a grave. Above the grave an ethereal angel, like a ghost but beautifully rendered, rose toward the grave and spread wing to fly toward the brilliant golden gates of Heaven.

The angel was a woman, her hair golden. Her face was uplifted in utter peace, and Xander was struck by the detail rendered in the portrait. It was beautiful, tragic, and yet utterly transcendent at the same time. If he peered closely at the gravestone he could make out the name _Darla_ in calligraphy script. He felt an ache of sadness for Angel as he looked at the rest of the room. His bed was a queen-sized and was on the floor against the back corner. There was a small window that had homemade blackout curtains hanging over it. There was a small wooden dresser next to a tiny closet, and that was all that there was in the room. In the empty corner there was plastic on the floor, where there was paint, sketchpads, paper, and pencils.

At the moment, clothes were on the floor, dust covered the dresser, and the art supplies were strewn on the floor. Next to the bed was about six empty bottles of Heineken, a half-empty Crown Royal bottle, some Vodka, some whiskey, and some filthy shotglasses. Xander went into the closet and grabbed a clean shirt and some clean pants, found some clean underwear in the top drawer of the dresser, and put them down on the bed. He went out to the kitchen and grabbed a trash bag, and then nabbed the alcohol and threw it all away.

He stripped the sheets off of Angel's bed and opened the window, letting some fresh air in. Hearing the shower turn off, he went back to the kitchen and filled the first clean mug he saw with some hot black coffee, and went to the hallway just as Angel was stepping out of the bathroom. Xander froze.

Angel had a towel wrapped around his waist and he paused to look at Xander as he walked into the hall. Angel's hair was wet and spiky, his eyes clearer and again penetrating and intense as they stared at Xander. Hot water dripped down Angel's perfect figure, and Xander felt a moan build in his throat as a droplet meandered toward Angel's nipple and gathered there, hung, dripped down the washboard abs, down, lower, lower, toward the brushing of hair that led down from his bellybutton to…

He looked away, blushing furiously, and held out the coffee. "Thank you," Angel said softly, his long, thick, beautiful fingers brushing against Xander's as he took the cup. "I'll be out in a minute." Xander watched him walk away, his back gliding down gracefully to meet the curves of his delicious ass, Angel's towel dipping down a little to reveal the curve of a rear cheek—

Xander turned and all but ran back to the living room. He could feel his cock beginning to harden beneath his pants and, burning with embarrassment and trembling with desire, he headed to the kitchen for a glass of cold water. A few minutes later Angel came out of his room, thankfully dressed, his skin red from the shower, but clean. He'd shaved, too, and Xander was guessing that he looked better than he had in days.

"Angel—"

That was as far as he got; Angel crossed the living room in three huge steps and his eyes burned with desire and intent, he trapped Xander's face in his huge hands and then his lips were on Xander's, hot, hard and demanding. Xander moaned throatily into Angel's mouth and lost himself for a long, unforgiveable moment. His lips moved hungrily against Angel's, his heart pounding in his chest, his hands pulling Angel closer, his tongue thrusting against Angel's, the smell and taste of Angel making his head spin like he was on a drug.

Their bodies pressed together and Xander felt Angel cupping the back of his head, tilting his head up, dominating him, owning him completely with his kiss and Xander surrendered himself to the power of the kiss, to the electricity that ran through his system, tingling almost painfully where their bodies met. He desperately pressed his erection against Angel and whimpered in pleasure when Angel's groin met his and he felt Angel's hardness through his pants. It made him feel powerful, that he could give this pleasure to Angel like no one else, and they pulled closer, Angel's tongue thrusting into Xander's mouth like sex.

Xander desperately wrenched his mouth away from Angel's and breathed deeply, trying to clear his head, but he was pulled back under the seductive spell of Angel's kiss as Angel merely used the opportunity to move his mouth, kissing along Xander's neck, his tongue pressing into Xander's throat and Xander was gasping in pleasure, throaty moans escaping his neck as Angel sucked hard on his collarbone, leaving a dark mark and Xander gasped and threaded his hands through Angel's soft, silky raven hair.

"Angel, stop," he whimpered, his hands still trying to press Angel closer. "Please, please, we have to—"

Angel shut him up with his mouth and Xander moaned as the kiss deepened, feeling his very soul singing with the closeness of Angel, feeling a joy that he'd never known before and he was struck by the _rightness_ of this, how much he loved Angel in that moment. He pushed Angel away from him and Angel growled slightly in unwillingness as he slowly moved back from Xander.

Angel's eyes were glassy and dark in desire, his entire body trembling, his face flushed and his lips red and bruised, and Xander wondered dazedly if he'd done that, felt an elated surge of desirability run through him when he realized that he had.

"Stop," Xander whispered again, breathlessly.

"Why?" Angel gasped hoarsely.

"We can't just…God," Xander muttered, running his hands through his hair frantically. "I have to get some water," he finally said, and hurried out of the magnetic pull of Angel's presence before he did something even more stupid than what he'd just done. He couldn't believe the sheer _force_ behind that kiss that both of them had felt, how drawn they were together, how they just couldn't get enough of each other…

"Why did you come?" Angel asked from the kitchen entranceway. He seemed to have himself back under control, and he was watching Xander like a cat stalking a bird. Xander shivered slightly and took a long drink of cold water.

"I was talking to Spike, and he said that you weren't doing so well," Xander admitted. "I had to…I had to come see you." It sounded lame, but he couldn't really describe his motivations because in some ways he didn't really understand them himself.

"Xander," Angel breathed, stepping closer, crowding Xander, until all he could see was Angel, all he could feel was Angel. "Why did you come?"

"I love you," Xander whispered, their eyes meeting, and both unable to pull away.

"I know," Angel said, but he seemed to be saying more than that. He looked away in frustration. "I don't know how to handle this, Xander. Every time I'm around you, it just…"

"I know," Xander said, completely understanding the rest of Angel's unspoken words. "And ever time that I try to not think about you—"

"You're right there," Angel finished for him. "Xander, I can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" Xander asked, hating himself for the weakness in his voice.

"I can't be around you, I just can't. You're in deep and I'm too…you don't deserve to have to deal with my baggage, and you just don't know…" Angel cursed and turned away from him, not meeting his eyes. "And, you're only seventeen—"

"You're not even four years older than me!" Xander protested, suddenly angry. "Don't try that! I know what I feel and, damn it, I know you feel it too!"

"It doesn't matter what I _feel_!" Angel snarled. "You don't know…God, I can't pull you into this!"

"I'm already into this," Xander said strongly. "Don't you think it's a little late to be reading me warning labels?"

Angel turned and their eyes met, both unwillingly taking a step toward the other. "Shit," Angel whispered. "You're…you're too good for someone like me."

"I love you," Xander said flatly, and Angel stared at him in wonder. "I love you, and I have from…from that first night at the Bronze. I don't even know how to explain it to you, I just…I saw you, and I knew. I don't know how this works," he admitted, blushing at his inexperience. "I've never…_anything_, really, before, but I know how I feel whenever I see you, and I whenever I think about you, and I don't think I ever _will_ feel anything like this again. I can't just walk away from this, I _can't_."

Angel groaned and pulled Xander into another kiss, but this was different from the first, slow and gentle and chaste, and Xander felt it rock him from his head to his toes. "I can't talk about this tonight," Angel whispered against his lips. "Not tonight."

"So I'll come back, until you've stopped drinking," Xander decided.

"I'll stop," Angel said, looking amused.

"Okay."

"Okay," Angel replied. Their lips met again, once, twice, and then Xander broke away before he couldn't.

"Okay," Xander said, sealing the promise. He headed for the door, and Angel walked beside him.

"I guess I'll see you around," Angel said uncertainly.

"Yes," Xander said softly. Angel smiled at him, that special smile that he never seemed to give to anyone else, and Xander felt his entire being light up in warmth. Angel nodded his head and slowly closed the door to his apartment, and Xander floated home on a cloud.


	16. Chapter 15: CrushCrushCrush

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 15: CrushCrushCrush

_I've got a lot to say to you_

_Yeah, I got a lot to say_

_I notice your eyes are always glued to me_

_Keeping them here and it makes no sense at all_

_If you want to play it like a game_

_Then come on, come on let's play_

'_Cause I'd rather waste my life pretending_

_Than have to forget you for one whole minute_

_Crush, crush, crush crush crush_

_Nothing compares to_

_A quiet evening alone_

_Just the one-two_

_I was just counting on_

_That never happens_

_I guess I'm dreaming again_

_Let's be more than_

_This_

"CrushCrushCrush" by Paramore (_Riot!_)

That night was the first night that Xander ever consciously masturbated to thoughts of Angel. He locked his door as a precaution against his parents and thought of the kiss, of the hickie raising on the top of his collarbone (his first) like a claim of Angel's, like Angel owned him. His hand drifted down, aimlessly skimming across his nipples and thinking of the way that they'd stiffened when Angel pulled him against him, of how Angel's hard nipples had looked the night of their first kiss.

He circled his bellybutton as he thought of the fire that roared in his belly as Angel's lips had claimed his, as Angel's tongue had simulated sex in his mouth and they'd both helplessly thrust against one another. Thoughts of that had his hand brushing the wiry curls of his pubic hair and his already hard cock started to strain against the sheets, dampening them with wetness as clear drops of pre-cum started to slowly slide from the head.

Angel had soft hair, Xander thought dreamily. The ebony curls leading down in a treasure trail from Angel's bellybutton were soft as down, and Xander suddenly had a powerful urge to dip his hands lower the next time that he and Angel saw each other. The next time they saw each other! That was still a giddy thought – they had planned to meet each other!

A soft sigh escaped his lips as the memory of Angel's kiss drew his hand down lower, lower, until his knuckles were hesitantly brushing his member. He hissed in pleasure and tried it again. Xander didn't have a lot of experience with jerking off, but he was fast becoming a convert; he thought about the little bit of porn he'd watched that day with Buffy and Willow for a laugh and how the girl had wrapped her hand around the guy's dick and started moving it up and down. Trying this now he had to put a pillow around his mouth to stifle the moan. He wrapped his fist tighter and it felt even better.

He glanced down and his cock was so hard that it hurt; the head was nearly purple, especially when his fist tightened. His balls were drawn up tight against his body and so sensitive to the touch that when he experimentally brushed his free hand over them it sent tingling waves of pleasure through his whole body. His mind flashed to Angel pulling him closer, his tongue thrusting into Xander's mouth, their groins thrusting against each other, and Xander moaned into his pillow and stroked his balls as he started jerking his cock faster and faster.

An image of touching Angel like this, of Angel's head thrown back, his eyes watching Xander as Xander touched him and stroked him and _tasted_ him and then Xander came with a muffled shout, his nipples peaking and scraping the sheets, his balls drawn nearly invisibly into his body, his cock swelling and bursting in a race of pleasure like nothing he'd ever known before.

Afterwards Xander felt a little awkward staring down at the long, pearly ropes all over his belly. He didn't really know what else to do so he mopped it up with a pair of dark underwear and then he hid the boxers at the bottom of his clothes basket. He put on some clothing and unlocked his door. However, when he went to sleep that night, it was with a smile on his face.

***

"You're in a good mood," his mother remarked to him the next morning, and Xander blushed crimson as he made himself breakfast. But it was true; he _was_ in a good mood. Angel had all but _told_ him last night that he loved him back, and he carried that in his heart like weightless gold. That morning he was wearing a pendant of St. Michael the archangel that his parents had given him for his sixteenth birthday for luck and to remind him of God's eternal protection from evil.

He'd put it on this morning for the first in a few months. It was stupid but it hung near his fresh new hickie that his shirt thankfully hid, two physical reminders of Angel that he could carry with him through his day. His mother smiled when she saw him wearing it and he grinned back and kissed her on the cheek as he headed out the door.

"Teenage mood swings," he heard her comment to his father as the door swung closed, and Xander chuckled about that all the way to school.

Today he could feel the benefits of being in love; these last months he'd been so caught up in the darkness of it, the sense of losing yourself, the jealousy, the hurt. Now, Buffy and Angel weren't dating, his friends knew that he was gay, and Willow and Spike knew exactly how he felt. He felt like he was floating on air, like the sun was shining higher and the sky was a clearer shade of blue. It was like running into the Sunnydale Park and spinning around in circles until you fell down and lay underneath the sun, warming into a contended nap.

Even the sight of Sunnydale High School wasn't a deterrent to his mood. Instead he bounded up the stairs and practically skipped his way into the courtyard, where Buffy was sunning herself with a pair of stylish sunglasses as she chatted to Tara while Willow and Cordelia were going over a homework assignment. Xander divebombed Buffy and tackled her down in a huge bear hug.

"So, I was like—AHHH!" Buffy screeched as they both landed in a _whumph_. "What the _hell_?!"

"Hi!" Xander said excitedly.

"Hi," she coughed meekly.

"Hey, Xander," Tara said with a giggle as he gave her a less enthusiastic hug. Willow cocked her fist back when he approached her and faked a swoon as Buffy swept his feet out from under him and he landed on his butt with a smack.

"Whoops," Buffy said innocently. She'd regained her equilibrium and was sitting next to where he fell with her sunglasses repositioned on her face. Willow gave him a calmer hug and Cordelia laughed at both of them, but not unkindly, as she put her stuff away.

"Oh my God, Cordelia, what are you _thinking_ hanging out with that social _leper_ colony?" Harmony Kendall shrieked, spotting them from across the courtyard.

"Harmony, you could not touch my level of amazing if you had a fifty yard high social ladder _and_ a ten-year head start," Cordelia said placidly. "I hang out with who I hang out with, and you can take your _fake_ Prada shoes and go right back to the strip mall where you got them."

Harmony gasped in horror and galloped out of the courtyard with a crowd of tittering Cordettes laughing after her. Cordelia stared after them scornfully for a moment before settling back down underneath the shade of the oak tree, still perfectly coiffed and every inch the queen.

"I love seeing Harmony cry," Buffy commented after a moment. "Does that make me a sadist?"

"No, the fact that you're wearing _that_ shirt in _public_ makes you a sadist," Cordelia returned without much heat behind it.

"Bite me," Buffy tossed out sardonically, again without much actual venom in her words.

"You wish."

"So, Xander," Tara said before Buffy could open her mouth again. "What's got you all excited?"

"Excited? He mauled me. I haven't been mauled by a wall of Xanderhug for a year now," Buffy declared. "It's more than excited. Spill!"

"What? I can't just enjoy the fact that all of my best friends are with me on a brilliant, sunny day?" Xander asked with a grin. Cordelia looked up, surprised and almost flattered that she'd been included with the group. He shared their secret smile that they'd developed for her to let him know how much she appreciated it without her actually having to _say_ it in front of people.

"But we're in _school_," Willow pointed out, eyeing him with a grin.

"Today's the Senior Banquet Assembly," Xander pointed out. "We only have to go to three classes."

"Oh, I forgot about that!" Buffy said enthusiastically. "No wonder you're so happy, Xand! I've heard that your French class is a nightmare this year."

"Madame DuFois is a terror I would wish upon no one," Xander said solemnly.

"I dropped it back when Monsieur Porter was still teaching it," Buffy reminisced. "He sent me out of his classroom almost in tears when he asked me to say 'How was your weekend at the beach?' and I said 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.' And I said it wrong."

"The cow should touch me from Thursday?" Tara asked apprehensively.

"Well, _I_ didn't know what I was saying," Buffy said embarrassedly. "Up to that point I just thought that if you added 'eh' or 'e' at the end of everything you said it sounded French enough to get me past the class."

"Thus demonstrating the _awesome_ thinking power of the bottle blonde," Cordelia said with a sweet smile, unable to help herself.

"You _wish_ your hair was as natural as _mine_," Buffy snarled.

As the two fell into a vast argument about everything from their hair to their poor choice in boyfriends, Willow and Tara both sighed and moved to sit on the bench together. Xander joined them and they left Buffy and Cordelia to it.

"Those two," Xander said with a sigh.

"If I didn't know they were both straight I'd say they wanted to date each other," Willow commented.

"I don't know – they're saying in my sociology class that bisexuality is the popular trend among teenage girls," Tara said with a grin.

"You know, Buffy _did_ kiss a girl," Xander sang happily.

"Oh, come off it, Xander," Willow said, nudging him. However, as Tara dug in her backpack to show them something, Willow leaned in and whispered "_Why_ are you so happy?" She was smiling, showing him that it was just between them.

"Angel," he whispered back. Her eyes darkened just a little and he could see the frown forming on her face. "What?" he asked defensively.

"Nothing," Willow said quietly.

"You're wearing 'something' face," Xander accused.

"No, I'm not!" Willow said.

"Yes you are," Tara said calmly, reemerging.

As she showed Willow what she'd found on some obscure road trip out of Sunnydale they'd taken last week (during school hours so Tara's dad wouldn't find out), Xander got up and walked away. He didn't want to see the look in Willow's eyes or the frown on her face. But they were there, swimming before his mind's eye, and he rubbed the archangel medallion for comfort.

The cold metal provided nothing but well-carved sharp edges.

***

If any of them had thought that the Senior Banquet Assembly would be a good thing, they were wrong. It was the most boring thing in the world and had morphed in Snyder's hysterical rant about teenagers' lack of etiquette. Then they'd all been seated at a table according to last names and forced to use _perfect_ etiquette when served 'luncheon.' Anyone who broke the rules was given detention.

After it was finally over there was only an hour left in the day, and Buffy declared that she wasn't going to just sit there and listen to her government teacher after _that_ torture session, so she hit the pavement. Cordelia decided to go to, which left Xander with Willow and Tara. Tara, in that psychic way that she seemed to have with Willow, slipped her hand into Willow's and gave it a gentle, lingering squeeze before she walked off to catch the last bit of her art class.

"Well—"

"Xander, we need to talk," Willow said. She was wearing her Resolve Face again, and Xander felt a sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach.

"About what?" he asked, aware of the surliness in his voice.

"Come on," Willow said, and they headed off campus. They walked without talking, Xander allowing Willow to lead the way. He didn't want to hear whatever she was about to say, because he had a feeling that it would ruin the happiness that he'd carried with him all day. _She can't say anything_, Xander told himself fiercely. _She wasn't there. She doesn't know what you know_!

Willow led him to the Espresso Pump. It wasn't empty; in fact, it had quite a few escaping seniors who hailed them with foamy mugs of caffeine-goodness, but she led him to the one of the empty booths in the back. They wouldn't be disturbed or overheard here because of the hubbub from the teenagers in the front.

"My treat," Willow said, and hailed the waitress. Willow got a Red Eye and Xander ordered a Chocolate Goddess Shake.

"Red Eye?" Xander asked. It was a very good drink but it was notorious for the amount of caffeine and the hotness of the beverage; it was _designed_ burn all the way down.

"Liquid courage without the alcohol," Willow explained. She wouldn't meet his eyes. Over their heads the radio started playing as they waited for their drinks.

_I never knew_

_I never knew that everything was falling through_

_That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue_

_To turn and run when all I needed was the truth_

_But that's how it's gotta be_

_It's coming down to nothing more that I can see_

"So, where's all this money coming from?" Xander asked, before Willow could get her thoughts together. She shot him a droll stare that let him know that she knew exactly what he was doing, but she went with it.

"I cashed in one of my bonds that's been in the bank for nearly nineteen years," she answered.

"Huh?"

"Rosenbergs," she explained, "do not take the subject of education lightly. As soon as the pregnancy test got peed on they were buying bonds that I could cash for college so that they'd increase in value over time. I have too much for what I'm planning on doing so I've taken some out for a business venture."

"Business venture?" he asked, genuinely curious.

"Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine," she countered, just as their drinks showed up. He cursed internally and took a long draught of his shake. She'd been planning to sneak that one in ever since she let him change the subject.

_Everyone knows I'm in over my head_

_Over my head_

_With eight seconds left in overtime_

_She's on your mind_

_She's on your mind_

_Everyone knows I'm in over my head_

_Over my head_

Xander hesitantly lowered his shirt so she could see Angel's mark.

"Alexander Harris, is that a hickie?" she demanded.

"Yes," he said defensively. "Yes, I got my first hickie, and my first kiss."

"Both of them from Angel?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Goddess, Xander," she sighed, and took a long drink of her Red Eye. The entire room paused to look at her as she drained half the thing in one go and signaled to the waitress for more. The blonde girl ran over with another steaming mug of Red Eye, bigger this time, and a ten dollar bill.

"The drink is on the house and you've just won the Red Eye challenge!" she said excitedly.

"Red Eye Challenge?" Willow asked bemusedly.

"You took a huge gulp and didn't wince, say a word, or make a noise of discomfort," the girl explained.

"Sweet," Willow decided, and scooped up her prize money. "Thanks!"

"Didn't that burn at all?" Xander asked curiously, distracted.

"All the way down," she said, embarrassed.

"You're Xena," he marveled.

"Don't distract me," Willow warned. "It won't work."

"Well, you're the one that dragged me out here," Xander pointed out. "I don't know what you want to say here."

"Xander, Angel…is not healthy," Willow said carefully, turning her mug in slow circles on the glass countertop.

"What do you mean, not _healthy_?" Xander asked angrily.

"I mean, it's not good for you to get caught up in this. Look, I've been talking to Spike—"

"Behind my back?" Xander asked, his voice beginning to raise in his upset.

"Xander, stop," Willow said strongly. "I love you! You're like my brother, damn it, and you need to stay away from Angel!"

"Angel _cares_ about me," Xander said, white-faced and trembling. "And I love him!"

"You don't _know_ him!" Willow cried.

"Yes I do!"

"Well, since you know so much, why don't you go talk to Spike about it!" Willow yelled, and tears started forming in her eyes as she stood up and stomped away, grabbing her drink and her money and not looking back. Xander was shaking, his entire body caught up in a nervous tremble. He jumped up and grabbed his backpack and ran out of the shop, toward the Bronze without a backward glance.


	17. Chapter 16: Apocalypse Please

**A/N: VERY IMPORTANT NOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

I'm very sorry, but my computer is slowly dying. My battery has been slowly dying for the better part of these last three months and now only holds about a half-hour of charge, and now, just to top off the last layer on this craptastic cake of badness, my charger just died, literally, in my hands. Will not work in any socket. Done.

So, I'll be posting this chapter and please don't A) be surprised if you have to wait for the next one or B) be pissed off at me because I'm already really angry.

I am about finished with this story, so as soon as this wrinkle is taken care of, I'll get back to you. It's a really important update this time anyway, so…

Anyway. I love you guys.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 16: Apocalypse Please

_Prepare for an emergency_

_Come on, declare a sense of urgency_

_And pull us through_

_It's time we saw a miracle_

_Come on, it's time for something Biblical_

_To pull us through_

_And this is the end_

_This is the end_

_Of the world_

"Apocalypse Please" by Muse (_Absolution_)

The Bronze was empty at this time of day, and Xander cursed himself for his stupidity in trying to come here of all places. Of course the Bronze was empty; it was a nightclub and it didn't open its doors until five o'clock. Xander hesitated outside the large metal door, and then turned and slowly started walking away. It was barely past eleven in the morning. He wondered where to go.

School was a no-go; he didn't want to see Willow at all right now and no way would he be able to concentrate in class for it to be worthwhile to even show up. His father was at the church so that ruled out the Church of Sunnydale, and his mother stayed at home. Both of them would have a coronary _and_ an aneurysm a piece if they knew that he was skipping school. He'd been counting on being able to talk to Spike.

His head was still swirling from his angry confrontation with Willow. He couldn't think straight; he was still angry at her but her words had also frightened him. She couldn't possibly have a clue what was going on, he assured himself. _She doesn't know what it's like, when we're together and the entire world falls away and there's nothing but the two of us. I _know_ he feels it too_.

His feet took him without conscious command towards the apartment at the center of town.

***

He hesitated outside the door. He wasn't sure if Angel was home, and Spike could be anywhere. Xander was fairly certain that Drusilla was at her job at Angel Investigations with the dashing Wesley, but other than that he didn't have a clue if anyone was home. _Heck with it_, he thought after a moment. _If no one's home I'll just have to find somewhere else to go anyway_. He was about to knock when there was a sudden noise from inside. It sounded like raised voices.

He recognized Spike's voice raised in a yell and before he could question his judgment Xander tried the doorknob. Finding it unlocked, he stepped into the small apartment. He was surprised at the scene he found.

Spike was standing in the living room, his entire frame shaking with tension, his face screwed up in bitter anger, facing Drusilla, whose hair was tousled and pale face was flushed. Dru was standing outside the kitchen, looking reading to scream right back. Angel was shuddering in the hallway outside the bedrooms, trying desperately to get them to stop fighting. His deep, dark eyes were tortured as if he blamed himself for the argument.

"I don't care what you say anymore, Dru, you're just gonna lie to me anyway!" Spike yelled.

"Oh, like it's just _me_!" Drusilla screamed, enraged. "Why can't you just accept us?"

"There's nothing to accept! We're _all_ sick!" Spike screamed, his voice filled with self-loathing.

"So you're going to just _leave_?" Drusilla shrieked, sounding strangely weak. "You _can't_ leave, Spike! We're fam—"

"_Don't you fucking finish it!_" Spike roared.

"Spike…I'm sorry…I can't—" Angel tried, his voice small, weak and as broken as Xander had ever heard it.

"Don't you take one bloody step toward me!" Spike yelled, fumbling for a cigarette. His hands were shaking so badly that he had to try the lighter four times, and on the fourth time he nearly caught his hands on fire.

"How can you be this way to Angel?" Drusilla demanded. "After everything?! It's us, Spike! It always _has_ been!"

"Maybe for you, but I can't take this anymore!" Spike hollered, his voice going hoarse.

"Xander," Angel whispered desperately, seeing him. Xander was standing in the doorway, suddenly afraid. There was something going on here that he didn't want to understand but his entire insides were suddenly squeamish and writhing like snakes. _"Angel is…not well," Willow said hesitantly_. 'We're _all_ sick,' Spike was saying. Xander felt the room start to dissolve a little around him and he felt like he might pass out.

Angel looked like he wanted to get him as far away as possible but Xander stayed rooted to the spot, watching the drama play out.

"You fucking leave him well enough alone!" Spike screamed, impassioned. "Just like you _should_ have stayed away from him! Everything you're putting him through—it's _Xander_, damn it, he doesn't deserve that!"

"I know!" Angel roared, his attention slipping from Xander.

"Oh, yeah, run and protect your precious _Xander_," Drusilla sneered, her voice dripping with venom. "Been talking to him? He been telling you what a great person you are like he used to? Been tellin' you to leave? Well, _I_ know exactly who you are, you bastard!" And with that Drusilla made to storm out of the house. She stopped short when she saw Xander standing frozen at the door.

"Speak of the devil," she snarled, sending Spike and Angel a disgusted look. She rammed her shoulder into Xander so hard on her way out that he slammed painfully against a wall. The door was slammed shut hard enough to rattle the windows behind her. Silence resounded in the still, tense air of the apartment before Angel and Spike both hurried toward him.

"Get away from him," Spike said roughly as he tried to help Xander up.

"Fuck you," Angel snarled back. He offered Xander his hand and Xander took it in a daze, helping himself up. Spike's lips pursed, his eyes flashing in bitter anger as Angel pulled Xander to him. Xander was starting to feel uncomfortable, almost like Angel was just using him to prove a point. All the happiness of that morning had curdled in his stomach like milk left to sour.

"If you actually _cared_ about him you'd stay the bloody hell away," Spike snapped.

"Oh, so you can just swoop in and grab him from me, huh?" Angel challenged. There was something else going on between them, some desperate fight between two desperate people and poor Xander caught in between like a flimsy shield, or an excuse.

"At least I'd know how to take _care_ of him," Spike offered with a nasty sneer.

"But he _wants_ to be with _me_," Angel yelled.

"STOP!" Xander bellowed, so loudly that someone banged on the wall to the left and screeched at them to shut the hell up, damn it. Xander stood in between the two older men, his arms outstretched, holding them apart. "Just _stop it_, okay?" he asked desperately.

"Xander, c'mere," Spike said shakily. "Let's just…go."

"Xander, _please_," Angel whispered desperately. "Stay."

"What's going _on_?" Xander demanded, feeling like he was getting split in two.

"Please," Angel whispered. His huge hand held Xander's comfortingly, the frisson that was always there between them already building. Xander felt tears burning in his eyes as he jerked away from Angel.

"I'm going to talk to Spike," Xander said shakily. "I'm going to calm you guys down and then I'm coming back tonight."

"Don't bother," Angel said bitterly, looking like Xander had just stabbed him.

"Angel—" Angel cut Xander off with his lips, pulling him suddenly into a harsh, demanding, possessing kiss, cutting off his air, _hurting_ him as he nipped angrily at Xander's lower lip, nearly drawing blood, demanding Xander let his tongue own him.

"All yours, Spike," Angel whispered, pulling back, his eyes screaming _stab the sword in harder, twist, twist_ and then he shoved Xander away from him, sending Xander to the floor and then Angel was gone like the winds of the night, leaving Xander shuddering and sobbing pathetically on the floor as Spike shook like a leaf in the wind.

_God, why is this happening?_ Xander prayed, shutting his eyes and letting the tears flow. The cool morning air blew through the apartment through the open door, and it smelled like garbage. There was nothing clean here anymore.

***

_I cannot find a way to describe it_

_It's there inside_

_All I do is hide_

_I wish that it_

_Would just go away_

_What would you do?_

_You do if you knew?_

_What would you do?_

"You alright, pet?" Spike finally asked. After a few moments he'd grabbed Xander and hauled him to his feet, leading the silent, unresisting boy out of the apartment. Xander had followed like a puppet, deliberately not thinking. He felt Spike casting worried glances his way every now and then, but then the blond was still shivering like a leaf in a storm, so Xander figured that he wasn't doing so great anyway.

They'd finally come to the Bronze, where Spike took out a big key and let them in the back door. He'd pulled Xander out through the kitchen, said something to the woman and the two men working back there, and then led Xander out to the club proper. They were sitting on two of the comfortable cushioned benches under the stairs, and they waited until the woman came out and set two steaming mugs of hot chocolate of all things on the table between them and walked away.

Xander didn't answer Spike's question, instead focused on the rock song being strummed out on the radio.

_All the pain_

_I thought I knew_

_All the thoughts lead back to you_

_Back to what_

_Was never said_

_Back and forth_

_Inside my head_

"Xander," Spike said, pulling him back.

"What?" he asked, playing dumb.

"Don't," Spike responded, his clear blue eyes lit up in hurt and anger and a million other emotions that Xander couldn't name. It hit him how very fragile Spike looked in that moment, and he felt his comforting shell of non-feeling start to break around him. Rushing into its absence were pain and hurt and shock, and he took a deep drink of the chocolate.

"What's going on, Spike?" Xander asked angrily.

"Should ask you the same thing," Spike fired back. "Seem to remember you tellin' me you'd stay _away_ from Angel, like I told you."

"I—"

"Can't you think that I maybe had a _bloody good __**reason**_ to tell you to stay the hell _away_ from that son of a bitch?!" Spike snarled, suddenly enraged, on his feet. Xander shrunk back into the cushion. "I _told_ you he…sweet Jesus on the freeway, Xander! He…he…" And then Spike was _sobbing_, big, shuddering gasps as tears started coming out.

"Spike," Xander whispered brokenly, and got up and pulled him into a hug. The British man tried desperately to push Xander away but Xander just held him tighter. Finally, Spike gave up and heaved into Xander's shoulder. Xander didn't have the first clue how to handle this. He was used to Spike being strong, resilient, and brave. Spike had always been there to pick up the pieces for him. He'd never imagined that one day Spike would be the one falling.

Spike was shaking and almost whimpering as what sounded like a year of pent-up sobs escaped him in one shattering moment that was making Xander's heart wrench in sympathetic agony. Suddenly what he was going through with Angel paled in significance to this, his friend, suffering through something that he didn't have the first clue how to deal with.

_I can't handle this confusion_

_I'm unable—_

_Come and take me away_

"Sorry," Spike whispered after an eternity.

"You don't have to apologize," Xander said softly. Spike snorted and pulled back, his face red and scrunched, marring his big bad boy in black appearance. He took a cigarette out and dropped down to the couch with a thump. Xander noticed with a jolt that Spike's fingers were clean. For as long as he'd known him Spike had painted his fingernails black. He used to catch crap for it in high school until he'd beaten the hell out of everyone who dared to make fun of him.

"No – should start at the beginning," Spike said after a moment. "Sit down, pet." Xander sat. "Should probably start with 'forgive me, Father, for I have sinned,'" he said with a sarcastic smile.

"I'm not a priest," Xander joked weakly.

"Yeah, well, this is my confession," Spike said bleakly. "M' gonna tell you everything, Xander. Then maybe you'll understand…" He looked so lost that Xander couldn't even say anything, just sit and watch him.

"I first met Angel and Drusilla when we moved to Los Angeles," Spike said. "I was sixteen and pissed off at the world. Me foster mum decided she wanted to go to bloody California, and all I wanted to do was stay in England. Should've seen me, pet, I was a right mess. Me mum'd just died o' some disease I couldn't even pronounce. She went through some dementia at the end. Said some right horrible things to me. Took me a while to realize that it was the disease talkin' and not her.

"I hated the world, and I hated the fosters, hated myself. I hated my mother, really. So I started gettin' in fights at school, started smokin', drinking, fucking and fighting. Ran into a bad scene and that was where I met Drusilla." He took a drag off of his cigarette and sighed, his eerily blue eyes focused somewhere else, far away. "She was so beautiful, I just fell right there. Thing of it was, she looked real interested in me too.

"We ended up talking for hours that night. We went out the next night, and every other night that week. It was like I couldn't get oxygen without her. She was everything, my world, my sun, my moon." Xander could relate; he felt a walloping pain in his chest where his heart was and thought of Angel, the pain in his eyes as he'd thrown Xander away from him.

_I feel like I_

_Am all alone_

_All by myself_

_I need to get around this_

_My words are cold_

_I don't want them to hurt you_

_If I show you_

_I don't think you'd understand_

'_Cause no one understands_

"That was when I was fightin' real heavy with the fosters. Came home one night with my hair bleached and an old duster I got after some crackhead bitch tried to fight me, and that was it for them. They told me they'd called the social worker and were putting me with 'therapeutic foster parents' to deal with my 'issues.'" He snorted bitterly. "The bitch was just sobbin' her little eyes out.

"That was when I knew that I'd love Dru me whole life. She told me that she'd come with me. And she did. Hell if I know how she did it or why, but she just walked out of LA and followed me all the way to Sunnydale. Said she had a daddy could take care of her, needed to get out of LA anyway. Didn't realize what she meant at the time.

"She was living with Angel?" Xander guessed.

"Right in one," Spike said gloomily. "Well, the Thompsons weren't half bad, as it turned out. The dad was a shrink. Managed to tell me that half the reason I was lashing out was because I was mad at me mum for dying. I got a little better. Started attending school more regularly. Got some new friends – met you n' Willow, for instance," he said with a gracious nod in Xander's direction.

"I never knew the Thompsons were therapeutic," Xander said honestly. "You never talked about them so I figured you didn't want to."

"They were hard on me," Spike said. "I wanted to hate them but I didn't. They kicked my ass all the time – do your homework, make your bed, clean your room. Tellin' you, I didn't bring any of that partying I did back then home with me. Stayed at friends houses till I was sober.

"Anyway, once I got expelled—"

"What about Drusilla?" Xander asked.

"Dru never officially enrolled. She was a dropout. She just followed me to my classes because she thought it was funny. Teachers never said anything because she scared them," Spike explained with a laugh. He sobered abruptly. "That was how I moved in with Angel."

_All the pain_

_I thought I knew_

_All the thoughts lead back to you_

_Back to what was never said_

_Back and forth_

_Inside my head_

_I can't handle this confusion_

_I'm unable_

_Come and take me away_

_Take me away_

_Break me away_

_Take me away_

"You know, there's something that Angel has that people don't really understand," Spike went on reflectively. Xander was sitting very still, saying nothing, dreading the continuance of Spike's story and at the same time hanging on every word, a rollercoaster ride to the end. "It's called _charisma_. Man has a personality like a force of its own. You get sucked in n' before you know it you're willin' to _die_ for the bastard," he said bitterly.

"He was so…_beautiful_, and…I mean, the man's a genius," Spike went on, a little hysterically. "You've seen some of his work. The paintings, the drawings, the poems, the stories. It's like he has to have _something_ wrong with him for him to be _that_ good at everything!

"Not much of a wonder that I fell for him, too."

_I feel like I'm falling_

_Falling through time_

_Slipping through cracks_

_I'm buried alive_

_It's pulling me under_

_I'm sinking so fast_

_It's so hard to breathe_

_With this all on my back_

The music had segued into metal song, but Xander's world was reduced to Spike, he of the compact muscles and wiry sexiness and soulful blue eyes. His fingers were shaking as he lit up another cigarette. Chain smoking is a nervous habit Spike has, Xander thought absently.

"D'you have any idea what it's like, bein' in love with two people at once?" Spike asked hoarsely. "Any idea what that pain is like? My heart felt like it was ripped in bloody pieces. Didn't know what to do. Started drinkin' and fightin'. And Angel'd just take care of me. That's what he does with family. Takes care o' them." Spike looked like he might burst into tears again. "And then he fucks them."

_It's overwhelming_

_My hands are tied_

_The more that I struggle_

_The deeper I slide_

"What?" Xander gasped, jerking away from him.

"S' right, pet," Spike said bitterly, his angry mask dissolving. Every look, thought, expression on his face about Angel was all Xander needed to know. "Angel's more fucked up than anyone. Daddy used to rape him. It's all he bloody knows how to do. And we _fall_ for him and want to take _care_ of him and he just. Can't. _Stop!_

"Took Drusilla in and then she seduced him and then they went at it like _rabbits_ for longer than…and she just _loves_ it. Can't understand how it kills me inside, the three of us. One big, twisted, fucked up family. And _I still love both of them!_ Tell me that I'm not FUCKED UP!" Spike roared, jumping to his feet. He trembled and shook and then his face screwed up and he was slumping back into the cushion, utterly exhausted, emotionally drained.

_This is the longest day_

_Of my life_

_I'm buried underneath_

_A landslide_

_I'm searching for the light_

_The sunshine_

_Going nowhere, I'm going nowhere_

"What…I don't…his dad—?" Xander whispered, his entire world dissolving into razor sharp shards of pain, digging everywhere. Everything hurt, his entire body was shaking and he didn't know _anything_ but pain pain pain.

"Yeah. Fucked him right up, after his mum died. Took him two years to get out of there, drinkin' and whorin' his way through half o' Ireland," Spike said tiredly. "His dad took it all out on him. Beat the shit out of him, got pissed, pulled his pants down. Angel took it because it's the only thing he knows _how_ to do. Blamed himself for the whole thing, of course. That's what he does, he gives up everything for people he cares about. 'S why Drusilla hates you so much, because Angel's been tryin' to get better. She just wants her daddy to shag her through _her_ issues."

"Good God," Xander whispered, clutching his stomach as he felt like vomiting.

"Don't think _God's_ got much to do with this," Spike said with a twisted smile.

_I'm praying for something_

_For some kind of drug_

_A miracle answer_

_A sign from above_

"Course, now Drusilla's bloody bug-shaggin' crazy about me too," he went on reflectively.

"Why?" Xander asked, his voice sounding harsh.

"Because last night we all…had a fight," Spike said hesitantly.

"About what?" Xander asked nervously. After everything that Spike had already told him he couldn't possibly think of anything the blond punk would be nervous about saying.

"About you," Spike said bluntly.

"Oh," Xander said, his voice small.

"Last night I walked home n' saw Dru tryin' to put the moves on Angel again. Angel was tryin' to say no, and she just bloody _lost_ it. They got in a huge fighting match last night about you. Angel was sayin' how he couldn't be doin' this anymore, and she was screaming about how you'd pussywhipped him without even puttin' out. She came at me then and I told her that I wasn't gonna be her revenge fuck again, and she stormed out.

"She came back in this morning and we were all having some nasty words. I finally told her that I was leavin' her, and that was about the time you came in," Spike finished tonelessly.

"You…you're really leaving her?" Xander asked. Spike looked tortured, beyond tortured. He was tormented and angry and depressed and scared. This was something that Xander could focus on, something he could fix. Somebody else's pain that he could handle while his heart shattered into a million pieces, jagged edges that cut whenever you tried to pick them up. He could fix Spike. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to fix himself.

"I _have_ to," Spike said determinedly, despite his misery. "Xan…I'll never get past this if I don't leave. I've been dependant on them for so long…But I've got enough money, especially if m' not supportin' Dru this time. N' the Bronze says they want to keep me for longer 'cause I'm gettin' popular. Steady job with great cash in Sunnydale. It'll keep me on my feet long enough to figure myself out."

"Where will you go?"

"There're some good apartments on the other side of town, towards where you live. One bedroom, one big bathroom, decent living room and an office nook," Spike said.

"You've already been searching," Xander guessed, surprised.

"I've been sittin' on this for a little bit," Spike confirmed. "Are you alright?" he asked gently. Xander scoffed and tried to wave him off but Spike gave him the blue blue eyes of _don't bullshit me_ and Xander crumpled in on himself. He couldn't look at Spike, at anything. Was it always like this in love? he wondered miserably. He'd never known an emotional pain so sharp that it made his eyes burn with tears he wasn't able to shed, no matter how much he craved the release.

"Come on," Spike said. "Let's get out of here, yeah?"

_This is the longest day_

_Of my life_

_I'm buried underneath_

_A landslide_

Xander took his hand and on dead feet he allowed himself to be taken out of the Bronze into the harsh light of the midday sun.

_I'm searching for the light_

_The sunshine_

_Going nowhere_

_I'm going nowhere_

***

They didn't talk to each other for a solid hour.

Xander allowed Spike to lead him wherever Spike wanted, oblivious. It was like the opposite of an out-of-body-experience, he supposed; instead, he'd retreated _inside_. He was surrounded by dizzying waves of red-hot pain, shooting through him. His heart felt as if it had been torn out of his chest by a giant hand. Memories of Angel mixed with memories of what Spike had told him, adding extra gut punches to the wretched pain of betrayal.

How could he still be in love with Angel through this? Xander wondered dully. Was he weak? What would happen the next time he saw Angel? Spike had told him that Angel was trying to stop, trying to get help. Was that because of him? Would he let that affect his decision the next time he saw Angel?

He felt a twinge of guilt amidst the mires of pain when he remembered how that morning Angel had looked like Xander had stabbed him, how he'd kissed him and thrown him away. Had that been his fault? Had Angel needed him to choose _him_ instead of _Spike_? Had Xander hurt Angel even more?

_But Spike is one of my best friends,_ Xander argued to himself. _I knew that he needed my help. It wasn't _fair_ for Angel to make me choose between them like that!_ He wrapped his arms around himself and shuddered. Spike wordlessly wrapped an arm around his shoulders in support, but Xander drew away from him. He couldn't hate Spike for what had happened, but he needed space. And time. And _lots_ and lots of chocolate.

Spike had thankfully remembered that about him and taken him to the gas station and grabbed him a handful of chocolate bars and a soda and a pack of cigarettes for himself. Then he'd taken Xander to the beach. That was where they were now, watching the sun start to set in the sky. The stretch of sand where they'd parked was thankfully empty, save for an old couple who were walking in and out of the Pacific surf.

Xander felt a twinge in his heart as the old man took the little old woman's hand, and they smiled at each other. The diamonds embedded in her wedding ring flashed in the sinking sun, and Xander wondered how long they'd been together. His parents didn't act like that. Xander buried his head in between his legs.

"Hey, pet," Spike said softly, rubbing Xander's back. Xander didn't move. "Hey."

"What?" he said miserably.

"This isn't your fault. It's not my fault; hell, it's not even _Angel's_ fault," Spike said firmly. "He needs help. And he's gettin' a little better. You tend to have that effect on people."

"Yeah, right," Xander said bitterly.

"Look at me," Spike said firmly. Xander unwillingly turned his head and the blue eyes of doom were boring into his. "You are a _good_ person. And he _does_ care about you, Xander. He just…needs to get his head straight."

"Who cares?" Xander said bitterly. "It doesn't matter anyway, Spike! Who am I? What would I do even if he _did_ care enough about me—it doesn't matter! I'm just going to go off to college and end up marrying some nice Sunnydale girl and settling down to take over the church. Then I'll start drinking and end up _exactly_ like my _father_!" Xander screamed out to the sun, the surf, every beautiful thing that was reminding him of Angel and of what he could never, ever have: freedom.

It finally burst, then, the dam that he'd been holding back. Spike didn't say a word, even when Xander blew snot onto his leather duster, just let him lean on his shoulders and sob it out. Xander wasn't aware of time passing, just knew that every wretched, painful, poisonous thought that had swirled through his being these last hours was pouring out of him, as if God were in the water that was beginning to swirl around their feet, Her beauty in the moon and the stars glittering like the Heavenly Host, washing him in their light.

After an eternity, the sun had set and Xander and Spike were walking slowly along the road. Xander could sense Spike's relief that he was walking under his own power now, and he ate the last of his chocolate bars. Spike had decided that the best thing for Xander was sleep. Xander heartily agreed; he just wanted to go home and fall into oblivion and then figure out what to do after he woke up.

He felt coldness by his chest and looked down, realizing belatedly that the St. Michael medallion was still dangling on his skin. He smiled to see it and whispered a silent prayer to God that She would watch over him this night, give him the strength and clarity that he needed to move on the way he had to.

He noticed Spike tensing out of the corner of his eye and realized that they were walking past the parking lot of Angel's apartment. Angel's black convertible was badly parked and there was a blood-red moped next to it. Xander had never seen it before but Spike was glaring at it. He cursed roundly. "I swear, if she's used this to…I'll kill her!" Spike hissed, and before Xander could stop him Spike was rounding the building to the outside.

_Yeah, they really want you_

_They really want you_

_They really do_

_Yeah, they really want you_

_They really want you_

_And I do too_

Xander nervously followed him. He could feel his little bubble of serenity and calm that he'd gained at the beach start to slide away from him and he desperately clutched at it. Angel's bedroom was the one with the window, Xander realized. Spike peeked in and froze, trembling with the same shakes that he'd given that morning.

_I love him so much it just turns to hate_

_And someday you will ache like I ache_

When Xander joined him at the window, he looked in.

_I am_

_Doll parts_

_Doll skin_

_Doll heart_

Angel and Drusilla were in Angel's bed, surrounded by the red cotton sheets Xander had glimpsed once before. Drusilla was lewdly rubbing her plump, full breasts against Angel's magnificent chest as his hips rose and fell with movement. She moaned in ecstasy and he moaned in something akin to agony, turning away from her. Xander was frozen at the look of utter self-disgust mixed with _want_ on Angel's face.

They were both sweating, and Drusilla tried to force Angel's face back to hers but he couldn't seem to. He was sweating more than she was, a broad sheen of shiny sweat on his back, tears in his eyes. Xander had never known a pain like this, like a hot knife slowly, excruciatingly cutting him, starting at his stomach and moving upward, centimeter by agonizing centimeter, straight to his heart.

Spike exploded away from the window and sprinted towards Angel's bedroom. Xander slowly followed, not wanting to see anymore but somehow unable to stop. He followed, through the living room, which was a shambles. Angel's clothes mixed with Drusilla's on the way to the bedroom. It looked like some of them were torn. It looked like they'd physically fought before they'd started.

Through the hallway (more clothing scraps) to the bedroom, where Spike was screaming at them both and Angel was actually sobbing and desperately trying to apologize as Drusilla leapt up in all of her naked glory, screaming right back at Spike, her face flushed and enraged. She looked like one of Dracula's brides, a demon in disguise, and Xander hated her in that moment more than he'd hated anyone his entire life.

That twinge of hatred was enough to shatter the zombie-like calm that he'd been feeling walking into the bedroom, and he choked out in a voice that sounded small and weak and pathetic even to himself, "Angel?"

Everyone in the bedroom froze. Angel looked up from where he was, thankfully still wrapped in the sheets. His eyes were wide, horrified, filled with self-loathing and bitter anger and regret. "Xander…" Angel whispered. He made a move to get up and that was enough to spur Xander into action, sprinting away, running away like a coward but with no other recourse left to him.

"XANDER!" Angel screamed after him, desperately trying to follow, but Xander was already out the door and running faster and faster than he'd ever run before, like the wind was making him lighter and lighter until he was reaching his own house, Angel's agonized howl still ringing in his ears.

"Xander, where have you been?!" his father was screaming but he was already past him and rounding the stairs by the time his mother was standing from her chair.

"Xander!" his mother yelled after him, but he was already at his bedroom and he slammed the door shut and clicked the lock before either of them had even made it to the first step. He vaguely heard his father hammering on the door but he ignored it, instead turning his stereo on and turning up the volume. Hole. Willow had given him the CD for a birthday present when he'd liked the song "Come as you Are" by Nirvana one year, and he flipped up "Doll Parts" and turned up the volume until there was nothing but Courtney Love's grating shrieks of pain before he collapsed onto bed and fell into a sort of coma, the oblivion he'd been praying for, but far too late.

_I love him so much it just turns to hate_

_And someday you will ache like I ache_

_Someday you will ache like I ache_

_Someday you will ache like I ache!_

_Someday you will ache like I ache!_

_Someday you will ache like I ache…_

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"Apocalypse Please" by Muse (_Absolution_)

"Take Me Away" by Avril Lavigne (_Under My Skin_)

"The Longest Day" by Full Blown Rose (_N/A, free mp3 available at: _I'll tell you when I post the soundtrack list, sorry)

"Doll Parts" by Hole (_Live Through This_)


	18. Chapter 17: Reverie

**A/N: **Hey guys. Sorry about yesterday. The situation is in a temporary fix, so I'm going to take what I can get and post today's update. I promise that tomorrow will be longer, but tomorrow's is almost more important than today's so there was no way that I could stuff them all together in the same post.

In any case, I've officially plotted out the last chapters, so prepare to be SHOCKED if this story goes near 25 chapters. It _should_ end at 23, damn it, but then, it was _supposed_ to end at 20 with an epilogue, so what the hell do I know?

In any case, I hope you enjoy this update, and always remember: It gets darker before the light comes again.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 17: Reverie

_Left_

_Here alone_

_And unsure of what I feel_

_Unclear_

_But I see_

_Just what I'm afraid of_

_I can't find_

_My way anymore_

_And I cannot heal the wounds I've created_

_And I_

_Can't let go_

_Of what's killing me_

_Falling from this edge_

_I am lost to all I know_

_Time is only fantasy_

_And lies are the only_

_Reverie_

"Reverie" by Megan McCauley (_Better Than Blood_)

Xander woke up to dead silence, sunlight streaming cruelly in through the windows. His head was pounding and his eyes were raw, his stomach hurt, and he wondered vaguely if this was what a hangover felt like. _Then why on earth would people ever drink?_ he wondered. For a blessed moment, he couldn't think of why he felt like this. But with waking came memory, and with memory came the same crushing weight of the all-encompassing pain that had caused him to sleep for eleven solid hours.

Xander wondered dully why his parents had woken him up for school when he remembered that he'd locked his door and turned up a grunge rock CD just to shut them out. He winced at the memory. He knew that the next time he left the house his lock would be removed from the door and his CD collection would be removed from the house. He wondered if he could hide them with Willow the next time he saw her and then he remembered that Willow was angry with him.

_And she was right!_ he thought viciously. _She was right, and I was too stupid and blind to listen._ He wondered if she'd even talk to him if he got out of bed today. The door was still locked, but the silence of the house suggested that he was alone. He cautiously stood up and drew the curtains closed. The sunlight was muffled but not gone, and he turned away from it as he staggered toward his closet. Throwing on a white undershirt and a pair of blue jeans, he headed downstairs. He didn't want to look at himself in the mirror.

He cautiously peeked into the kitchen, and sure enough it was empty. There was a plate covered with foil on the table, though, and next to the table was a note. He picked it up and read it:

_Xander—_

_I don't know what happened yesterday, but your school called and told us that you had missed nearly all your classes yesterday. We called the Summers' but Joyce said that you hadn't been there, so we tried the Rosenbergs. They told us that you and Willow had had a fight and she was upstairs and hadn't come down._

_We were so worried, especially when you came in last night. I managed to convince your father to give you some time before we had it out. But please, please be here tonight. It's time that we had a family discussion. You've been keeping things from us and as your parents I think that we have a right to know what you're going through so we can try to help you._

_There are some eggs and a little toast on the plate. Try and eat, and have some orange juice – the vitamins will make you feel better. Just remember that we aren't mad about the skipping. We love you, and God bless you._

_Mom._

Great. Now he felt like a grade-A jerk for what he'd put his parents through last night. And Willow hadn't even gone back to school, just cried. All his fault.

_Screw this_, he thought. Xander knew that he couldn't deal with this today; there was just no way. All he could do was face the day and figure out where to go from there. First he had some breakfast. He was grateful that it was light, because his stomach was still queasy and he wasn't sure how great it was going to stay down. Next, he decided to get some stuff done around the house that he'd been neglecting.

He got up and stripped his bed and then gathered the laundry into piles. He drank plenty of juice as his mother had suggested, and he also popped a CD into the player and turned it up. Music would help fill the silence of the mindless chores. He was concentrated on not thinking today – having a lot of delicious non-thoughts, as Buffy would say – and he started doing the dishes as the washer filled with water and laundry detergent.

_I can't see the stars anymore, living here_

_Let's go to the hills, where the outlines are clear_

_Bring on the wonder_

_Bring on the song_

_I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long_

Sarah McLachlan joined the lead singer on the chorus and Xander let the beauty of the gentle music carry him with the scent of the lavender aromatherapy brand dish soap to a land where it was just him and Willow, where Buffy and Spike were safely back in LA. Their friend Jesse had just left when his father accepted a job in Texas, and Xander and Willow had decided to spend a day on the beach just to remember him.

_I fell through the cracks at the end of our street_

_Let's go to the beach, get the sand through our feet_

_Bring on the wonder_

_Bring on the song_

_I've pushed you down deep in my soul for too long_

Xander finished the dishes and changed the clothes in the washer over to the dryer. He went upstairs and threw the window dressings open, vacuumed his room. He dusted the downstairs living room throughout the dryer cycle, and vacuumed the living room as well. He sprayed Fabreeze over everything, and then he folded and hung his clothes and made his bed. It was such delicious normality, something he used to do every time his parents weren't home.

He chose to remember his parents as how they were before this wretched time of adolescence had snuck up on him, when he was still a child and could believe that his parents would love him no matter what. Such happy days – you don't question anything when you're a child. God's in Heaven, and She's always watching over you. When you hear monsters in the closet, there're always angels on the roof with glowing swords to fight them off.

It isn't until you start to grow up that you realize the monsters in the closet are your own demons, wanting out.

_I don't have time for a drink from the cup_

_Let's rest for a while, 'til our souls catch us up_

_Bring on the wonder_

_Bring on the song_

_I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long_

_Bring on the wonder_

_We got it all wrong_

_We pushed you down deep in our souls for too long_

He went outside and mowed the grass, clipped the bushes, put fresh mulch from the shed over the flowerbeds. It was nearly three o'clock in the afternoon when he was finished, and he'd gotten started on everything around eight in the morning. Exhausted, he took a long, hot shower, and went downstairs with one of the candles Willow gave him. This one said _Ocean Breeze_ on it.

Xander wanted it lit for when his parents came home. He'd always thought of God like the ocean – deep, mysterious, eternal, dangerous, welcoming, loving, all-encompassing. In the end nothing can stop the water, nothing can stop the eternal tides. They will wash us all away one day, carry us home to the Mother's depths. Xander took a deep breath and sat down in the kitchen with a beef sandwich and a cup of juice to wait.

_Bring on the wonder_

_Bring on the song_

_I pushed you down deep in my soul for too long_

The door opened at four o'clock. Tony and Jessica slowly walked in, and he saw them both take appreciative breaths as they realized that all of the chores in the house were done. They spotted him sitting at the kitchen table and slowly came in. Tony took in the lit candle but didn't say anything. He and Xander's mother put the few bags of groceries away in the refrigerator and then sat down, like a family, like they hadn't done since the disastrous day that Xander had told them about his psychology classes.

"How are you feeling, honey?" his mom asked, to break the silence.

"Better," Xander said honestly. "I think the twelve hour coma might have helped." She smiled weakly at his attempt at a joke, but his father didn't.

"Where were you, Alexander?" his father said. Xander knew he was in serious trouble when his full name came out of his father's lips, and he accepted that. He saw his mother shoot his father a warning look, but Xander had known this was coming. He needed to stand up and face it, not hide. Not like with Angel.

"I left school with Willow so we could go to the Espresso Pump," Xander said simply. His mother stared in shock. "She was trying to give me some advice that I should have taken, but we got into a fight. So I went to Spike's."

"_Spike_?" his father demanded, his voice dangerously angry. "That drunk, crazy kid who got _expelled_?!"

"Yes," Xander said. "And he isn't crazy." The kitchen was silent. His mother was staring at him and his father looked shocked that Xander wasn't backing down on this. Xander looked his father in the eye. "He was living with therapeutic foster parents when he went to Sunnydale High School. He was going through counseling because he had to nurse his mother back in Britain through her death and it messed him up. He's the new DJ at the Bronze, and he's got a new apartment that he's already paid the first two months of rent on. He's actually doing better than most people who graduated that year."

"Like that's an excuse," his father spluttered, but Xander cut him off.

"It isn't an excuse. It's a fact." He kept his voice deliberately calm. He wasn't going to get angry for this, no matter what.

"What advice was Willow giving you?" his mother asked after a moment.

"It's private," Xander said.

"You're going to tell us what _advice_ that…_girl_ gave you!" his father said angrily.

"No, I'm not," Xander said flatly.

"Excuse me?" his father asked dangerously.

"I said, no, I'm not. I shouldn't have to explain this to you. I'm going to be eighteen next year. I don't have to share my entire private thoughts and feelings with my parents."

"It's not like you've been sharing _anything_ with us!" Tony snapped. "Taking devil classes behind our backs, hanging out with people you _know_ you should avoid—"

"_Devil_ classes?" Xander barked, his anger suddenly getting the better of him. "Do you _know_ how medieval you _sound_ right now?!"

"Don't take that tone of voice with me!"

"Please, calm down!" Jessica said desperately, looking in between both of them.

"And hanging around with—"

"She's my _best friend_!" Xander yelled.

"Xander!" Jessica gasped, shocked.

"How _dare_ you!" his father hollered.

"How dare I _what_, care about someone other than who you pick out for me since you seem bent on _controlling my entire life?!_" Xander screamed back.

"How can you be so ungrateful to your parents?" his father railed. "Does the Bible not say 'Honor thy father and mother?' It's in the Ten Commandments!"

"Honoring the two of you doesn't mean giving you control of everything I do or say!" Xander snapped peevishly.

"Don't you dare fool around with the word of the Lord!"

"Or _your_ interpretation of it?" Xander offered angrily. "You're the most close-minded person I've ever _met_! You don't care about anything but how _you_ say the world works! You think that everything scientific is evil – do you have _any_ idea what it's been like my entire high school life, having everyone stare at me and _laugh_ because I'm that freak kid who can't even take a chemistry class without his _mother_ auditing?!"

"You hear the vile filth that spews from their _science_," his father spat. "Evolution! Mankind evolving from _monkeys!_ Abortion! Child murder!"

"And what about something _else_?" Xander asked angrily. "Like, say, _curing cancer_, or health care, or therapy for soldiers? Is all that evil too? Should we go back to faith healing and have our life expectancy drop back down from 85 to 60?!" he snarled scathingly.

"Boy, I _forbid_ you to do _anything_ without our say from now on!" his father thundered, leaping to his feet, a vein throbbing in his temple. "I thought that you were a mature, level-headed boy, but clearly you've had your mind filled with the evil influences of the _filth_ you've chosen to associate with—"

"Don't you _dare_ call my friends filth!" Xander yelled, jumping to his feet. Jessica was still sitting at the table, crying softly, staring at the both of them in shock and horror, casting nervous glances out the window to see if the neighbors were already staring in at the nuclear meltdown occurring in her kitchen. "And is it their 'influence' you're scared of or the fact that I'm actually thinking for _myself_ and not letting _you_ spoon feed me everything you want me to believe?!"

_Crack!_ Xander's father's open-handed slap flew through the kitchen faster than any of them could see it. The slap hit Xander across the cheek hard enough to crack his head sideways and send him tumbling backward a step. His cheek lit up in a string of fire and Tony was staring at him and at his hand in trembling shock. Xander stared at him in horror.

There was dead silence in the living room. Xander's cheek was throbbing in fire as he disbelievingly touched the inflamed mark on his face. His father had _hit_ him. It was starting to sink in past the first layers of numb, disbelieving shock. His father had _hit him!_

"Get out," Jessica said, her voice as cold as Xander had ever heard it. She was on her feet and breathing like a freight train, her eyes hard and cold as she glared at her husband in rage that Xander couldn't understand.

"Jess—"

"GO!" she screeched. "Got to church! I am _telling_ you to go to church until you've calmed down! And Xander! Go to your room and don't come out until I say!" She pointed her finger to the two separate doors and glared like a tiger. She was trembling and her face was white. Xander didn't need to be told twice. He didn't look back at his father, who was still standing in the small kitchen, staring at his own hand in shock.

Xander's feet were trembling and his teeth were chattering as he mechanically washed his face off with cold water in the bathroom and headed into his bedroom. _He _hit_ me_, he thought again, absolutely numb from shock. He lay down on the bed and started to shudder from head to toe. He felt sick and tired and angry and depressed. He wondered if he had enough tears in him to cry, and hunched into a fetal ball on the bed.

Downstairs he heard the outside door open and close, and then there was silence from the kitchen. His mother came in a few moments later and sat down on the edge of the bed. She put a gentle, calming hand on his shoulder and let him ride out the shaking, the nausea and the fear and the anger. She looked lost, utterly unable to comprehend what had happened. What she'd done in the kitchen had been instinct, her drive to protect her child. Now, though, she didn't seem to know what to say.

"Do you want to talk?" she asked finally, breaking the silence. He shook his head, and she sighed. "Get under the covers and don't bother setting the alarm. I'll call the school tomorrow. It's a Friday; you can make up what you've missed next Monday.

"Goodnight," she said, and kissed him soundly on his forehead, pulling him into a hug so he could smell the comforting scent of the dollar store perfume that he'd known since childhood. She got up after a moment and left, clicking the light off after her. For the second time in two days, utterly beyond the point of physical, mental, and especially emotional exhaustion, Xander passed out and didn't wake up again until the next morning.

**Whoops! Almost forgot!**

**_Songs used in this chapter:_**

_"Reverie" by Megan McCauley (Better Than Blood)_

_"Bring on the Wonder" by Susan Enan (featuring Sarah McLachlan) (Bones (Original Television Soundtrack))_


	19. Chapter 18: Moment of Forgiveness

**A/N:** Hey, guys! Big update today, and the whole thing is very important. I'm in the middle of chapter 19, but I anticipate being done with that before tomorrow even gets here, so don't worry. Just dropping in to say, BONES IS ON A TWO HOUR BLOCK TONIGHT!!! I'm still doing happy dances! Even though this chapter isn't that happy. But it's a good chapter!

Anyway, thanks to all the people who've taken the time to review my story. Reviews fuel me, so this chapter's definitely for you.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 18: Moment of Forgiveness

_Well, I guess that I was lonely_

_That's why I called you on the phone_

'_Cause in a moment of forgiveness_

_I didn't want to be alone_

_I guess that I was hoping_

_That you'd finally understand_

_And in a moment of forgiveness_

_You'd reach out and take my hand_

"Moment of Forgiveness" by Indigo Girls (_Become You_)

Xander woke up with his eyes crusted over from too much sleep and too many tears. He dashed at his eyes angrily. Crying. That was all he ever seemed to do, lately, and quite frankly he was sick of it. He didn't have to just let things happen, he had to stand up and face them. Starting with the day.

Throwing back the covers, he forced himself out of bed and resolutely opened the curtains. His room was still clean, and so was his bed, seeing as how he'd slept on top of it last night. He smoothed out the wrinkles and threw his clothes in the hamper before he pulled out a pair of pants and a bright yellow shirt. Buffy called it an eyesore but he liked how bright it was, so he put it on anyway.

He also brushed his teeth, something he hadn't done yesterday morning. His breath much improved, he headed downstairs to the smell of bacon on the stove. He'd woken up earlier this morning because he'd fallen asleep so early last night. He didn't hear any talking so he assumed that his father wasn't home. That was a good thing; his new resolution to face his problems didn't stretch to anything to do with the argument last night.

Putting it out of his mind to be dealt with later, he walked into the kitchen and said good morning to his mother. She looked tired and a little frail as she fried some bacon on the stove, so he crossed to the waffle maker and finished it for her. They made plates for each other in silence, and then got some juice out of the refrigerator.

"Did you sleep alright?" she asked finally, once they'd tucked in.

"Like a rock," Xander said, piling syrup on his waffles with gusto. She smiled and shook her head hopelessly when she saw what he was doing and he grinned back. For a moment it was just like it usually was in the morning…until he glanced at the hugely empty chair where his father usually sat, reading the newspaper and commenting on the world at large, finally switching it for his Southern Baptist Newsletter, just like he did every morning.

"Your father…didn't come home last night," Jessica finally said, catching where his eyes had fallen. "I haven't spoken to him."

"He probably just went to the church," Xander said quietly, crunching contemplatively on his bacon.

"I would ask you to do your chores today but I think you knocked them all out yesterday," she said, changing the subject.

"Actually…I was wondering if I could try to find Willow today," Xander said tentatively. She didn't say anything, just looked down at her plate. "I…think that I really hurt her feelings, the other day. I want to apologize."

"Alright," she said quietly. "But _only_ to the Rosenbergs', alright? You're staying home from school today, that doesn't mean going all over town."

"Yes, Mom," Xander said gratefully, getting up to clear the table. She didn't say a word, just stared hard at her plate and took another bite after an eternity. It struck Xander after he'd locked the door behind him that she was praying.

***

First he checked at school to make sure that they were there. Sure enough, Willow and Buffy were sitting in the school library, talking softly as they went through the books. Xander snuck in through the back door in the stacks. Mr. Giles, the school librarian, was an odd duck and rarely bothered with students. Buffy seemed to be the exception, because he'd tutored her through her first year at Sunnydale High, and in turn she'd played matchmaker and hooked him up with Jenny Calendar, the attractive computer teacher.

_Talk about opposites attracting_, Xander thought to himself with a wry smile. The two had taken to each other like white on rice, and she'd even managed to convince Giles to go to a monster truck rally, much to Giles' horror. Xander passed down and checked that they were the only pair in the library. Bringing his offerings with him, he sat down across from them. They looked up, twin expressions of surprise on their faces.

"I thought you were absent today!" Buffy said, glancing around.

"I am," Xander said calmly. "My mom called in for me."

"Jessica Harris called her son out of school for a non-scientific reason?" Willow asked doubtfully. He nodded.

"Very cool," Buffy said happily. He took out the box of Dunkin' Donuts and the tray of iced chai lattes, and she practically salivated before exploding across the table in a flurry of furious movement. Xander and Willow stared. For a girl her size, Buffy was very fast and very strong, and when she used these things to unfair advantage it was always a bit of a weird sight.

Willow stared at him suspiciously. There were rings under her eyes and he felt a fresh bolt of guilt at the lingering hurt lurking in the crystal green depths and felt full of a fresh determination to make it up to her.

"Um, Buffy—"

"Mm-slurp-ph?" Buffy said in between donut and latte. Willow's nose wrinkled.

"Could I talk to Willow, for a minute?" Xander asked hesitantly. Buffy paused from her latte lust a moment to share a deeply loaded look with Willow before she nodded sanctimoniously to Xander and got up. Then she cast a look backwards and before either of them could stop her she tossed a jelly donut at Willow and a chocolate éclair at Xander and then absconded with the rest of the box.

"Giles!" Buffy called triumphantly, and they heard a word of happiness from Giles before the library office door closed.

"That was gross in ways I don't want to comprehend," Willow said flatly, staring down at her jelly-filled donut mournfully.

"Must your mind go to these dirty places?" Xander joked.

"Who said I meant anything _dirty_?" she asked accusingly. "Whose mind is in the gutter now?" He chuckled weakly, and she bit resolutely into her donut.

"I was a real jackass day before," he said bluntly.

"Yeah, you really, really were," she returned, not giving him an ounce of mercy.

"I should have listened to you. I should have listened to everybody, but I didn't want to. And I paid for it," he said humbly.

"What do you mean?" she asked, despite herself.

"Tell you the truth, I don't want to tell you. I don't want to think about it," Xander confessed.

"That bad?" she asked, concerned.

"I love him, Willow. But…he needs help, not me throwing myself at him and expecting everything to turn out okay."

"Well, that's what I was _trying_ to say the other day," she said with a hint of a smile.

"Okay, how long is this moral superiority thing going to last?" he sighed.

"Oh, _this_ screw-up has potential all the way through graduation," she said loftily.

"I'm going to have to talk to him at some point," Xander sighed. "I just…I have _no_ idea what the heck I should _say_."

"You should just say what's on your heart," Willow advised softly. "You tend to have these moments of being annoyingly right all the time."

"Yeah, well, that's why I hang out with you," Xander said with a wobbly smile. "Because you need all the help you can get."

"Jerk!" she accused, and launched herself across the table. She started tickling him, which was a major no-no because the Xan-Man was definitely too ticklish and he ended up up-ending the chair and falling flat on his back.

"Oh my Goddess, Xander, are you okay?!" Willow cried frantically.

"What happened? I thought you guys were making up!" Buffy called, hurrying to help Xander up.

"We _did_ make up," Willow said, wringing her hands.

"So _you_ say," Buffy said doubtfully.

"No, I'm okay," Xander wheezed.

"But my chair's not," Giles observed mournfully, looking at the cracked legs.

"Oh, a student almost brained himself on the floor," Buffy said lackadaisically. "The Giles solution? Have a cow about the damage to the _chair_."

"Well, of course I assessed that Mr. Harris was alright," Giles said, flustered.

"Suuuuure," Xander said doubtfully.

Giles flushed and turned on his very British heel and marched back to his office. The door stayed closed for a moment as the three chuckled, until Buffy went deathly still. "The last of the donuts!" she cried, horrified, and, fire shooting from her eyes, sprinted toward the office door. "It's too late!" she reported mournfully, resuming her seat at the table.

"You two ate _the entire box of donuts_?" Willow asked, flabbergasted.

"You two had one," Buffy pointed out.

"Cow," Willow said menacingly.

"Witch!" Buffy returned, insulted.

"Troublemaker!"

"Goody two-shoes!"

"Loser!"

"Nerd!"

"Will you two stop!" Xander said, red in the face from trying not to laugh.

***

Walking home, Xander felt a tinge of dread on the cloud of happiness at restoring his relationships with Buffy and Willow. He hadn't been lying to Willow; he _needed_ to talk to Angel, and sooner rather than later. But on the other hand the pain that knifed through his heart like acid burned even hotter every time he thought of Angel, because now mixed in with every good memory he had of Angel was looking through that window, walking through that door, seeing the burn of self-hatred on Angel's face as he moved over Drusilla…

Somehow, though, amongst all of the agony of that feeling he had room for even more feeling – Xander felt a slow coursing anger, a jealous rage firing in his heart at the thought of Drusilla. He could make his excuses for Angel but he'd heard what Spike had said last night: _"I swear, if she uses this as an excuse—"_ Drusilla had instigated whatever happened last night, it was clear from the looks on both of their faces. Xander had never felt a more bitter hatred for another person, and the power of it shook him.

Who was she to shatter Spike's heart like that, to toy with Angel when she _knew_ that he was trying to get better, to _stop_? Drusilla was like a demon, hovering outside of Spike and Angel's consciousness, toying with them at every turn, constantly trying to steer them in the wrong direction. He couldn't summon up an ounce of pity for the tragedy of her ruined youth.

However, on some level, he knew that he was being unfair to her. Angel had just as much blame for initiating the whole thing as she did. She just didn't want to let go, now that he did. Xander wrapped his arms around himself and started walking faster, but there was no escape from his thoughts.

According to Spike, Drusilla was already a little…off, when her family had been brutally murdered in front of her. It was most likely that her tortured psyche had latched onto Angel as a safe haven; she used Angel as a way to escape her own pain, and she didn't care who she hurt along the way. Yes, she was selfish, but ultimately she couldn't take all the blame.

He desperately tried to put the whole thing out of his head. He had done what he'd set out to do today; he'd put things right with Willow and with Buffy. Tonight he'd have to face his father. Angel…was far too much to deal with by himself in one day. No, he'd see Angel another day, and—

Sometimes, God has a way of letting you know just what She wants. Xander froze as he approached his driveway and saw Angel's black convertible parked in the driveway. Angel himself was standing by the car, staring at Xander, his face a mask, completely unreadable. He looked older than his years, forbidding and unapproachable. He was dressed in a white tee, black jeans, and a black suit-jacket over it. His hair was back to its usual spiky coolness, and he looked wet and clean like he'd just stepped out of the shower.

He looked sexy as hell, Xander thought with a nervous swallow.

"Hi," Xander said finally, drawing closer.

"Hello," Angel said after a moment. His voice was a little hoarse, like he'd been screaming too much, but the husky timber that sent shivers through Xander's system was still there, with just a trace of Irish.

_Like anyone would be_

_I am flattered by your fascination with me_

"What are you doing here?" Xander asked guardedly.

"I needed to talk to you," Angel explained, his face still blank and eerily unreadable.

"Um…now isn't really a good time," Xander said harshly, the pain in his voice thick and undeniable as he started up the walk.

"_Please_," Angel whispered. The mask almost crumpled, just then, just for a moment, and underneath it Xander had a glimpse of a young man, not really older than he himself, a young man tortured by too much pain and too many mistakes but a desperate desire for redemption. His heart twanged painfully and some of the anger underlying the raw _hurt_ of the night before started to dissipate, even though he wanted to keep it.

_I have simply wanted an object to crave_

_But you, you're not allowed_

_You're uninvited_

_An unfortunate slight_

"Come in," Xander said softly, and hurried up to the front door without looking back. Even so, he _sensed_ Angel behind him, his huge, imposing presence shadowing him, his cool, minty breath tickling the back of Xander's neck. Okay, the heart hurt like hell but the libido was all set for a party. _Down,_ Xander told himself sternly. It didn't matter. His body was always like this around Angel. Realizing that he was fighting a losing battle, Xander opened the door.

"Mom?" he called hesitantly. He couldn't help looking back and wondering what Angel saw. Angel's dark, unreadable eyes swept over the neat and clean living room, taking in the Bible verses sewn into the pillows, the crosses and angels all over the walls, the way the television was hidden by an old-fashioned wooden partition. He wondered if Angel liked it, and he desperately and irrationally hoped that he did.

"Xander, I was going to go the grocery store—oh," his mother said, coming into the living room. She was dressed to go out in her long jean skirt and long-sleeved button-up purple shirt. Mrs. Harris didn't believe in showing skin beyond hands and face. Her slightly wrinkled face looked worn in the light, showing her surprise easier as her head craned upward to take Angel in.

"Mom, this is Angel," Xander said lamely, desperately trying to keep all of the feeling out of his voice when he said Angel's name. From the way her eyebrow raised, he had a feeling that he hadn't been the most successful. He blushed.

"Hello…Angel," she said hesitantly.

"I'm sorry to drop in on you like this, Mrs. Harris," Angel apologized. "I'm Angelus McCarthy."

"Like the Catholic bell toll?" she asked.

"Yes – my mother named me," he said politely.

"Oh. How do you know Xander?" She was eyeing him suspiciously.

"School," Xander cut in before Angel could say anything. Angel and Mrs. Harris gave him identical looks. "Angel's a student at college and he's been helping me with history for the last couple of months – you know how I've been toiling there," Xander said with a patently fake laugh.

She let it pass. "Alright, well, I'll be home in an hour. I'll see you later, Angel." She gathered her purse and locked the door behind her. For a moment Xander was gripped in a moment of blind panic. He was home alone with Angel, Angel was in his house and they were the only two people here. Angel seemed to realize the same thing, because he looked purposefully away from Xander and let the tense silence stretch.

"Let's go—" _to my bedroom_, his body chanted. "—outside," he said firmly. "It's a beautiful day."

_Must be strangely exciting_

_To watch the stoic squirm_

"Yes," Angel agreed, and followed Xander out of the kitchen to the garden. He seemed to be relieved to be out of the house, and Xander felt a little of the tension singing through his veins at the moment seep out.

"Xander…"Angel started, still not looking at him. Xander waited. Angel sighed and wrapped his arms around himself. He looked lost and fragile, and for a moment Xander was amazed to figure out that he'd never thought that Angel could actually look _weak_. He felt an overwhelming urge to hold him in his arms and tell him that it was going to be okay, but he stopped himself. Mixed in with all of his confused, misunderstood feelings about Angel was still a heavy dose of pain, betrayal, and anger.

Xander kept still and kept silent. He wasn't going to make this any easier.

"Xander, I'm so sorry," Angel whispered finally. "I know that that doesn't even begin to…God, I'm _so_ sorry."

"If you're so sorry then why did you _do_ it?" Xander asked, his voice sounding like a wounded child even to himself. Damn it, _why_ did he have to get so _weak_ around Angel all the time?!

"After…I left the apartment that morning," Angel began. He sighed, his shoulders hunched. "I just felt like…I felt like you betrayed me and I didn't even know how I felt like that because I _know_ that you don't feel about Spike like that, and who am _I_ to even talk…God, I'm sorry," he whispered.

"Look at me, Angel," Xander commanded angrily. Angel turned toward him, wordlessly obedient. His face was no longer a mask, but perfect picture of misery. He was falling to pieces. Xander melted. He couldn't hate this man. Not in this lifetime, at least. He felt connected to Angel in that moment, under the sun, illuminating all the flaws and making them easier to bear, somehow. Xander loved Angel more in that moment than ever before.

"Please," Xander said, his voice gentle. "Tell me."

_Must be somewhat heartening_

_To watch shepherd need shepherd_

Angel walked toward him, his steps no longer sure but instead hesitant. He looked down and gently took Xander's hand in his, and Xander traced the bigger hand with his fingers in soothing motions. Angel's eyes met his, seeming to see everything, a bolt of perfect understanding between two people joined together by something they didn't understand.

Xander led Angel into the house and shut the door behind him. Still holding his hand, Xander led Angel up to his bedroom, thankful errantly that he'd cleaned it yesterday. Angel sat down on the bed, still holding Xander's hand, and Xander sat down beside him. There weren't words, for a moment; there didn't need to be words. Instead they lay down together, fully clothed, only touching by their joined hands, and yet they were closer than two people on the planet in that one moment.

_But you, you're not allowed_

_You're uninvited_

_An unfortunate slight_

"My father used to come into my room at night. After he was finished hitting me he said that he'd show me what a useless whore I was," Angel said softly, his eyes dark and faraway in a place that Xander wanted to destroy. "I used to let him. After the…first time. I blamed myself for what happened to my mother. Thought that I wasn't strong enough to hold the family together. After a while you start to believe what they tell you, that you're a useless, worthless whore.

"When I finally ran away…I didn't have a clue how the world worked. I was a stupid kid from Galway who couldn't feed himself. I met Darla when she was turning tricks in a pub outside of Dublin. At first we stayed together for convenience – I protected her and in return I got a place to stay, food to eat, a little bit of money. It got us both off the streets. The only way I knew how to pay her at that point was sex."

"Did you love her?" Xander asked, still gently tracing Angel's hand.

"I thought that I did," he said pensively after a moment. "Darla was my entire world. I was about fifteen, maybe sixteen. She became my mother, my wife, my teacher. She was everything, and all that I had with her was the sex. I'll never know how she ended up on the streets, but it changed her. Looking back, she was cruel and abusive and she fucked me because it gave her power over me.

"Back then, I gave up that power. After she got pregnant, she wanted to abort the baby. I wouldn't let her. I wanted that little baby, Xander," he whispered. Tears were running silently down his cheek and Xander gently brushed them off, lifting the salty moisture to his mouth, claiming the tears as his own. Angel leaned his head in and rested his head against Xander's.

"After a while, I think she did too. She was older than me and she was tired of the streets. She started to listen to me when I told her stories about how I was going to get money from the state, get us good jobs, get us _out_. When she died…I tried to kill myself. One of many reasons the state wouldn't let me have Connor. They did let me name him at the least," he choked.

"How…" Xander started to ask, but Angel silenced him by taking Xander's soothing fingers and tracing them over thin scars running upwards his wrists, thin and tiny, razor nicks. Xander raised them to his lips and gently kissed them, soothing the phantom wounds away.

"I got to hold him for a little while before the children's agency came to take him. He was so precious, Xander, this little bundle of bright _life_ that I'd created, somehow. I didn't know how. When the agency took him, I told them my name was Liam and they put me in an orphanage. That was where I met Drusilla for the first time.

"Drusilla was the craziest person there, and…well, you've met her. She's magnetic; before you even know it she's drawn you in. She didn't care that I was the crazy suicide kid that beat the shite out of anyone who jumped me; she told me stories about faeries and how her dolls could talk to her and tell her the future. The matron called us the scourge. We stayed out all night, drank, smoked, smoked pot. There wasn't a lot that we didn't do.

"When I was with Dru, it was like I could let every inhibition that I'd ever had just…disappear. I can't even look back on that time without wanting to go back to it all and apologize." Angel's eyes glittered with an emotion not easily read, his grip on Xander's hand tight, his breath in Xander's ear hot and angry.

"I was _awful_. I fucked everything in sight and I laughed when they tried to call me. I got in fights all the time just to hit someone. I tried drugs, I vandalized churches. The whole time Dru was there over my shoulder, cheering me on. She did the same thing, only worse because she _laughed_ at everything we did. The worse it was the hotter she got. It was like, the world had given her so much pain that all she could do was hurt it back."

Xander had another strong vision of Drusilla hovering over Angel's shoulder, a demon in every sense of the word. It didn't kill the pity he could feel growing in his heart for her.

"One night, Drusilla got told that she was going to be shipped off to therapy fosters. She went ballistic, had to get forcibly restrained because she went at the matron with a letter opener. That night, she came to me. That was the first time that we…that I…" Angel flushed and looked down, shame blooming on his features.

"What happened?" Xander asked, not accusing, not allowing the pain blossoming in his heart like a full blown rose, thorny and blood-red, to show in his voice.

"After that night? We went at it like fuckin' _rabbits_," Angel said with a look of self-disgust in his voice. "It was like with Darla, only worse. Sometimes Dru would call me Daddy when…and I'd…God," he whispered, his voice choked with horror. "It was like a _drug_; I'd lose myself in her and become this other _thing_, this hateful _bastard_ that just took it all out in Drusilla, and this other _me_ would just float away, ride the pleasure.

"Then, one night we got really fucked up on some pills Dru had us popping. I don't even know what was in them. Probably a really good thing we aren't dead just now, but those things…God, it was better than ecstasy. I got into a fight, ended up cutting this drunk with a knife. Drusilla didn't even care, just started laughing. I ran in the pub, called the cops, and then I got her out of there. That was when she had the idea."

"What idea?" Xander asked, mesmerized by the dark tale.

"We ran away," he said simply. "We knew how to do real jobs by then – wait tables and shite like that. We stole some money from the orphanage and packed a bag each and then we jumped the first freighter out of there. The little hole outside of Dublin wasn't too rich, so the people on the ship didn't care too much. We had our own food and they didn't bug us.

"Once we got to America, I thought it would be a fresh start. Guess I'm stupider than I thought," he sighed. Xander leaned back into him, letting him take comfort from his nearness. Angel slid an arm around Xander's waist, holding him in a loose hug that was everything but sexual. It was a nice feeling, not lusty, just nearness.

"Dru and I spent about two months in some tiny town in Virginia, I don't even remember what it was called. Got enough money for plane tickets. She didn't tell me where we were going. That was part of the game. New life, new rules, same old Drusilla. And _every fucking night_ I was in her bed like Pavlov's fucking _dogs_," Angel snarled.

"We ended up in LA. That's where we met Spike. I guess you know the rest," he finished up flatly. Xander lay still for a moment, absorbing the story. There was one thing he had to ask after that.

"No, I don't," Xander said after a long few minutes.

"What else?"

"Were you…with Spike and Dru…this _whole_ time, since we all met you?"

Angel looked down, and that was really all the answer that Xander needed. "I'm _so_ sorry, Xander. So sorry that I ever dragged you into this. Spike was right; you don't deserve this." Looking more miserable and angry than ever, Angel made to leave the bed, but Xander pinned him to him with his arms. Angel froze for a moment in surprise. Xander knew that he could probably easily free himself, but he wasn't, so that was worth something.

_Like any uncharted territory_

_I must seem greatly intriguing_

"Angel, what you did was wrong. It was wrong to Drusilla, and it was wrong to Spike. It was wrong to Buffy and wrong to me," Xander began carefully. Angel bowed his head, flinching like Xander was cracking a whip at him. "But most of all it was wrong for _you_."

"What do you mean?" Angel asked dully.

"I mean, that you understand that what you've been doing was wrong," Xander pressed on carefully. "I understand…or, I think I do. You escaped, made a family. You were put through something that no human being should ever have to go through. But you still knew it was wrong. You should have stopped."

"Don't you think I _know_ that?" Angel asked, agonized.

"No, I don't," Xander said calmly. "Because I think that you're a strong enough person that if you really wanted to stop you would have. But you've been using this as a crutch for so long that you don't want to give it up. You said it yourself: it's like a drug. You have to want to stop, and then you have to _do_ it."

"You really think I can?" Angel whispered, as if the idea had never occurred to him. "You think I'm strong?"

"I believe in you," Xander whispered back, safe in the haven they'd created in between them. Angel's eyes welled slightly and he pulled Xander into a tight hug, melding their bodies together.

"I don't know where to go from here," Angel whispered. "I don't know what to do about _you_."

_You speak of my love like_

_You have experienced love like mine before_

"What about me?" Xander asked, tucked into Angel's throat like something precious.

"Do you love me?" Angel asked quietly.

"What?" Xander asked, pulling back. Angel's eyes penetrated his entire being, drawing him in like a moth to the flame. No matter how many times that moth got burned he'd always be there, circling that sun of light.

"Do you?"

"I love you," Xander said simply. He felt his eyes trembling with tears that wanted to be shed but he kept them inside. He needed to be strong for this. Later he could dissolve. For now he was Soldier!Xander, and he had possibly the most important battle of his life ahead of him.

_But this is not allowed_

_You're uninvited_

_An unfortunate slight_

"I think I do too," Angel said softly, his eyes burning with a million emotions that Xander couldn't name. "I mean, I've never felt like this before. This doesn't feel like sex or anything. It just…I know you better than anyone."

"I know the feeling," Xander said wryly.

"I don't want to walk away from this," Angel said, holding their hands tighter, like a pact.

"But _I_ have to," Xander said softly.

"What do you mean?" Angel asked, bewildered.

"Because I love you. I have to walk away from this," Xander said. He pressed a finger to Angel's lips when the other man began to make an angry rebuttal. "Angel, I love you more than anyone…I feel you when I walk into a room. I'm more connected to you than anyone else. I don't know how or why, but I know that it's true.

"I also know that real love isn't selfish. You need time, and space. You need to make things right with yourself, first. Then with Spike and Drusilla as well. And you need to figure out where you're going to go from here. You're not going to be able to do that with me hanging around for you to fall back on." Now his eyes really were burning with tears, but he still held them back.

"And what does that do to you?" Angel demanded. "While I'm busy picking up the pieces of my life, you just give this up to help _me_?"

"Yes," Xander said simply. "Because I love you."

"You really are a white knight, aren't you?" Angel asked, shaken and trembling with emotion.

"I'm just as stupid as everyone else. I just pray more," Xander joked weakly.

"You're not stupid," Angel whispered, and pressed his lips gently against Xander's, chastely. "You're a _good_ person."

"So are you," Xander assured him. Angel snorted, but Xander cut him off with a kiss of his own. "You _are_, Angel. And you're going to _be_!" Angel sighed and pulled Xander closer. Their lips met once, twice, a third time. Then Angel pulled back and gently kissed Xander on the cheek, breathing in his scent. Xander couldn't help but do the same, every nerve ending on his body flooding with _Angel_.

"I love you, Xander," Angel whispered. "And I'm gonna show you that we can be together."

"I'll wait for you," Xander promised, the tears beginning to brim over. Angel kissed them off, one by one. For a moment time stopped, swelled, expanded. It was just the two of them within this safe haven that they had created, a world where it was only the two of them and a love that they didn't understand but was the most beautiful that either of them had every beheld.

Then Angel stood up, breaking the spell. His eyes flashing with a genuine smile, he gripped Xander's hand one last time and slowly walked out of the room. Xander heard the door open and close, the car start up.

_I don't think you unworthy_

_I need a moment to deliberate_

_I'll wait for you_, he thought to himself. That was when the tears came.

***

Dinner that night was strained and uncomfortable. His father didn't ever directly look at him and spoke in stilted, overly civilized tones. Jessica didn't seem to mind; she was probably happy that they were all sitting down together.

After Angel had left that afternoon he'd washed his face up and gone out to face his father. But his father wouldn't be faced. Instead he was pretending like it had never happened. Instead, his father had come home with more Christian study materials and a fresh batch of Christian Education brochures. Any words that Xander had uttered about not wanting to follow in Tony's footsteps had been repressed.

Xander couldn't think about it. He was physically and emotionally exhausted, and he was planning on meeting his friends tomorrow and thinking about nothing at all.

_I sense there's something in the wind_

_It feels like tragedy's at hand_

_And though I'd like to stand by him_

_Can't shake this feeling that I have_

_The worst is just around the bend_

_And does he notice_

_My feelings for him?_

_And will he see_

_How much he means to me?_

_I think it's not to be_

That night, his mother tapped on his door as he was pulling on some sleep pants. "Come in," he called, flipping through his CD's for something appropriate.

"Are you alright, Xander?" she asked. She shut the door behind her. He was tempted, just for that brief moment to tell her everything. But that would be insane. She loved him, he knew that. She just wouldn't be able to reorganize her worldview to include this. Maybe someday…

"Mom, can I ask you something?" he asked, keeping his voice carefully neutral.

"Of course, sweetheart," she said, crossing to his bed.

"If…it hurts to give something up. Hurts so bad it feels like you're going to die. But you know that if you gave that up it would help someone that you love. It's the right thing, right? To put them first?"

She was silent for a long moment, until she pressed her warm palm to his face, the scent of soap and mother filling his nostrils with nostalgia for childhood, when all of this would make no sense. Her eyes were large and gentle and held him tighter than any hug. She put her hand out and he took it in his, and she pressed something in his palm. It was grandmother's cross, the old gold one he'd sucked on as a child, that had been passed on through Jessica's family through generations.

"Mom…" he whispered, stunned.

"Alexander, you are a kind, giving, wonderful boy. I know that you'll make the right decisions, just as God intended. Listen to your heart. I think you'll already know the answer," she whispered. Leaning in, she held him close to her heart before kissing his forehead and quietly leaving the room.

Xander clutched the cross closed, and felt some of the pain start to ease. He wasn't going to cry tonight. Instead, he flipped Debussy's Claire de Lune on and let the complex piano melodies weave his dreams, an old cross in his hands, Angel in his heart.

_And will we ever_

_End up together?_

_No, I think not_

_It's never to become_

_For I am not_

_The one…_

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_Moment of Forgiveness by Indigo Girls (Become You)_

_Uninvited [From "City of Angels"] by Alanis Morissette (The Collection)_

_Sally's Song by Amy Lee (Nightmare Revisited)_


	20. Chapter 19: Everything Burns

**A/N:** Sorry that it took me so long to post this today, but this chapter took a lot longer than I anticipated (all sixteen pages of it!). I just had a lot to stuff into this installment, so I hope that you bear with me. Also, next chapter isn't nearly as long as this chapter, but I've not started it quite yet, so it MIGHT not be out tomorrow -- but it probably will be. Just in case, please be aware that if it isn't out by tomorrow then it WILL be out by the end of Sunday.

As **sun_hime** points out, yes, we are entering the final stages, but it'll be about five chapters or so before we hit the epilogue, so don't get too sad!

A million, million thank-you's to all of the people who've taken the time to review. This chapter is dedicated both to you, and also to my father, who always tells me I can write anyway. I love you all.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 19: Everything Burns

_She sits in her corner_

_Singing herself to sleep_

_Wrapped in all of the promises_

_That no one seems to keep_

_She no longer cries to herself_

_No tears left to wash away_

_Just diaries of empty pages_

_The feeling's gone astray_

_But she will sing:_

'_Till everything burns_

_Everyone screams_

_Burning their lies_

_Burning my dreams_

_All of this hate_

_And all of this pain_

_I'll burn it all down_

_As my anger rains_

'_Till everything burns_

"Everything Burns" by Anastacia (featuring Ben Moody) _(Pieces of a Dream)_

Xander never told anyone what Angel told him. It was private, a baring of souls that Angel had given to him. Angel had trusted _him_, Xander, to finally help him lighten some of the awful load that he was carrying in his scarred heart. So all Xander ever told Willow was that he and Angel had talked and had agreed that Angel needed time alone to figure things out.

Xander was trying to put himself on ice, as it were, when it came to Angel. He tried not to think about him. He didn't ask Spike about him or how he was doing. Spike never tried to tell him. Nothing worked, of course; Angel was always _there_ in the back of his mind like a physical presence, an ache in his heart that was there for anyone to see.

But Xander knew that he'd done the right thing, at least by Angel. Still, Angel's words haunted his dreams at night: _"And what does that do to you?" Angel demanded. "While I'm busy picking up the pieces of my life, you just give this up to help _me_?"_

Sleep was coming harder and harder at night, and there were some nights when he'd just lie awake and listen to the rhythms of his parents' arguments. There was a sort of flow to a fight, he learned, whereas you could tell which anger flowed in which direction. His father was full of hot anger, righteous indignation that his child was not following his every directive and thinking for himself.

_Always sentimental when_

_I think of how it was…_

_Oh, we said some things that we can never ever take back_

_It's like a train wreck just tryin' to hit the right track_

_We opened up the wine and we just let it breathe_

_But we should have drank it down while it was still sweet_

_It all goes bad eventually_

Jessica, however, was full of cold anger, a slow rage at the wedge being driven harder and harder through their family, at Tony's stubborn pigheadedness and utter refusal to believe anything other than that he was right about everything. She screamed right back at him at night that God had plans that no one could comprehend and it was the worst sort of human arrogance to assume that Tony's plans for Xander were the exact same as God's plans for Xander.

Xander didn't cry at night; instead he held himself still and retreated into the place in his head where he was a child, not more than seven years old. Willow and he had spent a day in the playground and Xander's parents packed them both up and took them to the beach. It was a day when Tony's beer gut was almost totally gone, when there wasn't a Bible in the glove compartment and Tony and Jessica just sat arm in arm in the golden sand as Xander raced through the waves and Willow swam beside him and told him stories about mermaids and mermen, Xander's favorite fairy tales.

_Now do we stay together because we're scared to be alone?_

_We've got so used to this abuse_

_It kind of feels like home_

_How did we get so mean?_

_How did we just move on?_

_How do you feel in the morning when it comes and everything's undone?_

_Is it 'cause we want to be free?_

_Well that's not me_

_Normally I'm so strong_

_I just can't wake up on the floor_

_Like a thousand times before_

_Knowing that forever won't be_

_How did we get so mean?_

This was his secret pain that he didn't share with his friends.

***

Willow obviously knew that he was holding out on her, but she never pressed. Instead, she told him _her_ surprising news that he'd started asking about that fateful day at the Espresso Pump.

Willow and Tara were officially moving in together after high school graduation. They were moving to a small town about a half-hour away from Sunnydale, closer to the Arizona border. It was near a desert and according to Willow the stark beauty of the landscape had drawn her and Tara to it.

They had enough money between them and enough good credit to get a loan, and over this summer they would be moving into a small apartment over a shop they planned to call The Magic Box. There they'd open a small Wiccan store.

"It's a great venue for it, too," Willow explained to them one day. "Thousands of people come to the desert to think and get away from it all every year, and most of them have religious purposes. 'The Magic Box' is just a catchy title to catch the eye and ear, but we're going to have shelves on Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Wicca, and the local branch of Native American shamanism. People can come to us for anything!"

"That sounds amazing, Willow," Xander said enthusiastically.

"Yeah! Tara's going to paint the walls with some of her artwork, and Mr. Giles is helping us find all kinds of books and guides to bookkeeping. Turns out librarianism isn't all that different from operating a store, only people bring things back to a library," Willow said excitedly.

"You're just planning to exploit their money," Buffy noted slyly.

"It's not exploitation!" Willow gasped angrily. Then she noticed that Buffy and Xander were busy elbowing each other and grinning. "You two suck!"

"I've been saying that for _years_," Cordelia noted above her new magazine. "Anyway, from the sound of it you're going to make some money off of this."

"Well, that's one of the bonus factors, yes," Willow said. Xander hid a smirk. Ever since Cordelia had started hanging out with them Willow had warmed up to her much faster than Buffy. It had started with homework help and now Willow was one of Cordelia's best girlfriends – well, probably the only real one she had.

"What do your parents think of all this?" Xander asked her.

"My dad's all for it, because we're getting a co-ownership, so that way if…me and Tara doesn't work out everything will split right down the middle, so no one gets shafted. Also the apartment is two bedrooms, so we can still have the apartment as roommates," Willow commented.

"Probably a good thing – I don't see you or Tara as a bitter ex if you two ever split up," Buffy said, taking a secret slurp of Diet Coke and looking around to see if Giles noticed. "I mean, not that I think you two lovebirds are _ever_ going to get over each other, but still."

"Put it _away_, Buffy," Giles policed from somewhere in the mysterious stacks.

"Damn," Buffy sighed.

"How does he _always_ do that?" Cordelia gasped, looking around nervously.

"Super secret watching skills," Xander noted, and they all got up and gathered their backpacks together.

***

_We're sculpted from youth_

_This chipping away makes me weary_

_And as for the truth_

_It seems like we just pick a theory_

_The one that justifies_

_Our daily lives_

_And backs us with quiver and arrows_

_To protect openings_

'_Cause when the warring begins_

_How quickly the wide open narrows_

_Into the smallness of_

_Our deconstruction of love_

_We thought it was changing_

_But it never was_

_It's just the same as it ever was_

Take each day at a time and give thanks for it was Xander's new philosophy, and it seemed to be working. With only four months until Graduation Day, sometimes it was all he could do to survive.

At home things were terrible. His father never spoke to him unless it was about college, which always led to fights. His dad hadn't hit him again, but he was starting to genuinely scare Xander when he was truly angry. Tony went red in the face and swelled like a bull, his eyes going dark and mean as his voice raged with anger.

Xander's mom was growing more fragile by the day, and Joyce expressed through Buffy her concerns for Jessica's physical health. Xander knew it was more a psychosomatic expression of the new stress placed on her at home, and he winced with guilt that he was partly the cause of it.

She never asked him about that night and the question he'd asked her, but he wore the cross every day. Maybe that helped when she went white and trembled every time Tony's voice rose, which was more and more often.

Xander wasn't eating as much, and Willow and Buffy were starting to comment. So he just laughed it off and started to wear bigger and louder clothes. He didn't want to bring his friends down with his problems. He rarely ever talked about his home life, except sometimes with Cordelia. She never told him anything about her life, but she seemed to understand. She never said anything.

Xander felt like he was standing on the edge of a precipice, but what it divided he couldn't tell.

Instead he lived through his friends.

Buffy had decided to stay in Sunnydale, much to everyone's shock. She'd grown attached to the small town. "You never realize until you move away from it how _loud_ the big city is," she told them one day. She had a thoughtful look on her face as she struggled to put it into words.

"There's something…_unspoiled_ about Sunnydale," she finally said. "It's like it's slow enough to hear yourself think here. The air is cleaner and the people are actually nice and not just faking it to be polite. And my friends here are actually my _real_ friends," she said with a sunny smile, indicating them all.

"This is home now," she finished finally. She blushed a little as she realized that they were all watching her. "Okay, Hallmark moment's over, folks!"

Buffy had enrolled at UC Sunnydale, but she didn't have any final plans on what she was going to major in. "I _am_ going to room and board at the college, though," she said happily. "Mom doesn't mind because the prices aren't too bad, so I finally get to live somewhere other than home!"

"I think I win in that front," Willow said with great satisfaction.

"So what college have you settled on, Wills?" Xander asked. They were all in the Library again, and Giles was kibitzing as he shelved books.

"I'm taking all of my general education classes while I'm at UC Sunnydale, so that gives me time to figure out what I'm going to major in while I'm working toward a firm goal. Also I get to live with my family and friends," she added as an afterthought.

"_I_ still maintain that you would find no end of academic happiness at Oxford," Giles said as he passed them.

"Giles, if you were any _more_ British you'd have to have the number of a qualified surgeon to remove the Union Jack from your tweed-clad butt cheeks," Buffy said sweetly.

Giles didn't deign to reply.

"Well, _I'm_ out of here as soon as graduation hits," Cordelia said flatly. "I can't _wait_ to get out of this stifling little hole!"

"I thought you were going to stay and rule all the lesser and uglier beings," Buffy said with faux-innocent eyes.

"Yeah – lucky for me that includes _you_. Twice," Cordelia said venomously.

"So what college are you going to, Cordy?" Xander asked hastily as Buffy opened her mouth to reply.

"You went to dinner with the dean," Cordelia said patiently.

"But I didn't pay attention to the conversation," Xander said, embarrassed.

"Julliard, Xander, Julliard," she sang out happily.

"The school of arts?" Tara said interestedly. "That's so hard to get into! Which track are you taking?"

"Acting," Cordelia said enthusiastically. "But I've got an agreement with my parents to also find a good college _near_ Julliard that has business classes so if the acting falls through I can always just come back and take over the Chase family interests."

"Covering all the bases," Willow said approvingly.

"I think we already did that, considering that Xander's gay, Tara's a lesbian, you're bisexual, Cordelia isn't human and I'm the only straight person in the room," Buffy said with a laugh.

"Hey!" Giles called down from the stacks, miffed.

***

_All around me_

_I see what weakness has made_

_Too much tomorrow_

_I think I'll take off today_

_Am I a poison?_

_Am I a source of bad news?_

_Am I a perfect reason for you?_

_I don't need nobody_

_I don't need the weight of words_

_To crash on through_

_I don't need nobody_

_I just need the doubt of faith_

_To crash on through_

_Here I slumber_

_To awaken my daze_

_I find convenience_

_In the savior I save_

_You're all I need_

_Yeah, when the water runs deep_

_You're all I need_

_Now I cry myself to sleep_

Xander avoided the church group's eyes when he walked through the halls at Sunnydale High. Ever since the fight that had lit the powder keg he hadn't even knew existed in the Harris home, Xander had not been allowed to teach his group. It had been taken over by a long-suffering Tony, who constantly shot nasty glares in Xander's direction as he made comments over his increased work load.

Cordelia went for one meeting in order to play spy, and she horrified them all. For Xander, the prospect of continuing teaching was the only thing other than his friends driving him. Now that too had been cut from him. High school was only three months away from ending, and after that Xander still had nearly an entire year under his parents' legal guardianship.

His friends were the only thing keeping him alive, and sometimes he felt so numb that even that wasn't enough.

"It's _awful_," Cordelia reported. The gang were meeting in the library for a change, but they didn't know that Xander was listening. "I didn't even _see_ you guys."

"You wouldn't have," Willow said bitterly. "When we went to walk in he pretty much slammed the door on my nose. I'm not even going to _repeat_ what he said to us."

"Yep," Buffy said glumly. "When I made it pretty clear that I wanted to punch him in the face, he shut the door on me too, and then he _locked_ it. I'm not allowed to go to Xander's house again…well, _ever_, and my mom says that she and Jessica only talk about once a week and that's only when _he's_ out of the house."

"Thank god we got to Spike before he tried to go in," Willow said grimly. "After what he said to us – well, with everything Spike's going through I don't know if he _wouldn't_ have hit Mr. Harris."

"I wish he would have," Cordelia said, her voice laden with uncharacteristic feeling. "I mean, did you notice how Tara's not here this morning?"

"She didn't say anything to me," Willow said worriedly.

"Well, he pretty much spent the entire hour (well, he lengthened it to an hour and a half) lecturing us all on how our generation is a thorn in God's eye. Talked all about gay people like they were some sort of a disease, then he went on to abortion, alternate religions, psychology, and 'New Age Christianity.' That was when I told him to shut the hell up to his face and walked out. I couldn't take it anymore," Cordelia said angrily.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, her voice darkening.

"He didn't come right out and say it but everyone _knew_ he was talking about the way Xander taught the class. He pretty much confirmed all the rumors about the arguments their family has been having, and then spent about fifteen minutes bitching about how children don't respect their parents," Cordelia said in disgust. "I told him that we all loved the class the way Xander taught it, and that this was the first time I'd ever actually looked _forward_ to coming to church since I was a five year old."

"Bet he _loved_ that," Buffy said dryly.

"The way he looked at me, you'd have thought I'd hawked one on a nun," Cordelia confirmed. "He freaked _out_ on how bad we all were. I wasn't the only one that left; the group's been cut down by more than half and the only ones that stayed only stay because their parents make them go or those two freaks that are just as über-religious as his is, um…"

"The crazy foreign chick Anya and that new doofy army brat Riley," Buffy supplied.

"What does all this have to do with Tara?" Willow asked frantically.

From his vantage point on the upper level, back in the science fiction books, Xander watched Cordelia's face tighten with pity. "Willow…I haven't heard her stutter like that since…" She didn't even have to continue. Willow's fists clenched and a truly fearsome look crossed her face.

Xander didn't even bother to stay and listen to the rest.

He hadn't worn the cross since the night his mother gave it to him. It didn't seem right to him when God seemed to have abandoned him. Everything he'd ever believed in, everything he'd sacrificed, everything he'd ever loved was slowly being taken from him piece by piece, and everywhere he looked it was God's fault.

He didn't believe in the angry, petty, self-proclaimed jealous God that his parents had stuffed down his throat for years and years, the God that would let someone burn in Hell for all eternity. Where was the lesson in that? Where was the chance for redemption? No, Xander didn't believe that. So why then did it _feel_ like that?

Was this punishment for loving Angel? That wasn't his _fault_! He couldn't turn his feelings on and off like a faucet! He hadn't _chosen_ to be gay! Who _would_?! He was being punished for doing _nothing_ wrong!

That night Xander slammed his Bible into the bottom drawer of his dresser and went to sleep without praying for the first time in his life.

***

_Hey, your glass is empty_

_It's a hell of a long way home_

_Why don't you let me take you?_

_It's no good to go it alone_

_I never would have opened up_

_But you seemed so real to me_

_And after all the bullshit I've heard_

_It's refreshing not to see_

Xander's mother was the only reason that he was allowed to go to the daylight housewarming for Spike. She didn't want Xander treated like a criminal any longer, and she was the only one that could take him anywhere anymore. She hadn't even told him where they were going, so it was as much to Xander's surprise as anyone else that they turned into an apartment complex and Buffy, Willow, Tara, Cordelia, and Joyce were all outside.

"Hi, Jessica," Joyce said warmly. "I'm so glad you could make it."

"We can't stay too long, Joyce," Jessica said with a slight smile. Xander's friends were positively beaming, and Xander gave a hesitant smile their way. It was the first time he'd seen them outside of school in nearly two months, and he was surprised and saddened how almost-awkward it was.

"Where are we?" he asked them lamely, not too sure where to start.

"Spike's moving-in day!" Willow said, giving him a hug. Xander saw his mother start to comment and then hold herself back out of the corner of his eye. Cursing his hesitation when he saw Willow look a little hurt, Xander hugged her back, hard.

"I haven't talked to Spike in a while," Xander admitted.

"You haven't talked to _anyone_ in a while," Buffy said, rolling her eyes. "Sometimes it pays to pay attention in class."

"I hope that little cliché didn't burn its way out of your mouth, Milady Hypocrite," Xander said politely.

Cordelia busted out laughing as Buffy's face went bright red. Tara snorted quietly and Willow valiantly gripped Xander's hand to stop herself. Xander felt a little of the icy numbness that had been gathering around him lately start to crack open, just a little. Sometimes a little was enough, though. They walked up the steps together, a little smile on his face.

Spike's apartment was called "Sunnydale Hollows" and it was one large four story building. There were four apartments per story, and Spike lived on the second story, two apartments down. The outside was painted forest green and the doors were a dark maroon. It didn't look like the most expensive place in town, but it looked well-cared for. The lawns were green and non-patchy, at the least.

Xander did notice how Buffy and Cordelia were both shooting each other looks that seemed to say _look how hard this is for him_, but he couldn't find it in himself to really care. Ever since _that night_ when he'd talked to Spike and seen Angel…Xander felt the ice beginning to harden again, the numbness protecting him from the old hurt, the old pain, the old betrayal. And the new pain. He hadn't seen Angel in nearly two months now.

His steps turning to lead, he dully heard the two mothers talking softly as they went up the steps behind him. Buffy gave him a bolstering smile and then she reached up and knocked on the door to apartment 25. "Just a minute," Spike's voice called out from inside, and then Angel pulled the door open.

Xander froze as Angel's eyes widened slightly when he saw Xander. In what? Xander wondered. Surprise? Guilt? Regret? Cursing Xander's stupidity for believing everything he'd said that night when they'd promised to wait? Maybe Angel and Spike were having a go of it now that Spike and Dru were over? Xander jerked his eyes away from Angel and unconsciously wrapped his arms up.

"Xander," Angel said, and Xander looked up at the pleasure in his voice. Angel was smiling that little smile that he never really gave to anyone else, his cheeks a little flushed.

"Hi," Xander said quietly, trying to return the smile. Angel's smile dulled just a little when he saw the lackluster smile on Xander's face, but he still smiled.

"Well, invite them _in_, Captain Forehead," Spike said impatiently from somewhere behind Angel.

"You're one to talk, Captain Peroxide," Angel tossed out, stepping aside for them to walk in. Buffy led the way, followed by Cordelia, Willow, Tara, Joyce and Jessica. Xander still stood, his eyes not leaving Angel's, Angel's eyes not leaving his.

"How have you been holding up?" Angel asked finally, breaking the tense silence. He let the door nearly close, shutting the two of them out on the balcony that led to the two other apartments. Angel looked good, Xander noted in an offhand sort of way. He was washed and clean, didn't smell like alcohol or cigarettes at all. His eyes were bright and it looked like he'd been sleeping and staying away from drinking too.

"I'm fine," he said mechanically.

"Xander," Angel murmured, his voice private and deep, just the way it always was, and Xander sighed, allowing himself to look at that beautiful face and remember that other day that he didn't allow himself to think of, the one where Angel told him that he loved him. "Please don't hide from me."

_It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder_

_And threw you to the ground_

_Who's there that makes you so afraid?_

_You're shaking to the bone_

_And I don't understand—_

_You deserve so much more than this_

"Angel…" Xander whispered his name like a benediction or a curse, left up to someone else to decide which was which. "I can't…"

"What the hell is this?" Angel asked angrily, his eyes darkening.

"What?" Xander asked, confused, until Angel grabbed his arm and shoved Xander's long-sleeved button up out of the way. There was a ring of dark finger-grip bruises around his forearm. Xander looked away, not meeting Angel's eyes.

"Who did this, Xander?" Angel demanded.

"It's nothing," Xander said listlessly, but Angel shook him slightly, forcing him to meet Angel's eyes, forcing him to actually pay attention, forcing him to _live_. "Please, Angel," Xander whispered hoarsely, blocking out the feeling.

"Was it your father?" Angel persisted angrily. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," Xander said stubbornly.

"Xander," Angel began, but Xander gently put his hand to Angel's mouth.

"It's not your fault, Angel," Xander said. "I can handle this."

Angel kissed Xander's hand. "But you shouldn't have to."

_So don't tell me why_

_He's never been good to you_

_Don't tell me why_

_He's never been there for you_

_Don't you know that why_

_Is simply not good enough?_

_Oh, so just let me try_

_And I will be good to you_

_Just let me try_

_And I will be there for you_

_I'll show you why_

_You're so much more than good enough_

Their eyes met for an eternity, Angel looming over him like the guardian he was named for, an impossible love that Xander would probably never understand. Xander wondered if he and Angel were just…soul mates, destined to fall for each other despite the consequences.

"Everything all right out here?" Spike asked, sticking his head out. Angel and Xander jerked apart like they'd been burned, and Spike snorted, without his usual bitterness. "Your mum _is_ still in my kitchen. The _least_ you two could do is convince her that I won't starve to death."

"It's not my fault!" Xander protested with a grin.

"Yeah, yeah," Spike said. "Go away, caveman brain," he shot at Angel.

"Back off, punk rock Barbie," Angel shot back without heat.

"I'm hungry!" Buffy yelled from inside. "I thought you said there would be food!"

"Cow!" Cordelia sang out happily.

"You're just pissed because you know _I'm_ going to be our senior class Prom Queen," Buffy said venomously.

"NO!" everyone yelled, just as they always did when the two started trying to out-queen each other.

"How did they both manage to get sent to one town?" Angel asked Xander, his fingers casually brushing against his as they headed into the apartment.

"God has a quirky sense of humor?" Xander offered, just as casually letting his shoulder nudge Angel's as he stepped in. Angel smirked at him and Xander felt a whooping sensation in the pit of his stomach. They were actually _flirting_ with each other!

_When the routine bites hard_

_And ambitions are low_

_And the resentment rides high_

_And emotions won't grow_

_And we're changing our ways_

_Taking different roads_

_Then love—_

_Love will tear us apart_

_Again_

Maybe out of respect to Xander's mother, Spike's playlist seemed cued to mellowed songs. Xander sat down on the couch and Angel casually sat next to him, their knees brushing. Willow looked up and raised an eyebrow, and Xander quirked up a corner of his mouth. She smirked and sat next to Tara, carefully _not_ touching her just as Xander and Angel were carefully _touching_ each other.

Buffy and Spike were deep in conversation on the merits of Sunnydale's newest rock band Dingoes Ate My Baby. Spike thought the guitarist, Oz, had the makings of a great but the lyrics weren't too deep. Buffy maintained that "Shadows" and "Pain" spoke to a wider audience. Xander was surprised to hear a not e of light flirtation entering Buffy's voice. Spike looked frankly flattered and a little flustered.

_Why is the bedroom so cold?_

_Turned away on your side_

_Is my timing so flawed?_

_The respect run so dry?_

_Yet there's still this appeal_

_That we've kept through our lives_

_Love—_

_Love will tear us apart_

_Again_

In the kitchen his mother's voice sounded less stressed than it had in days as she poked through Spike's small kitchen. She and Cordelia critiqued the colors and the contents, talking about the lack of health food and blandness, despite little touches Spike had put up. It sounded like home.

Xander had lost that, he thought sadly. His house was no longer home, and he was no longer that docile boy he once had been. This new adult Xander was someone he didn't quite know yet, and he felt a sort of joyful sadness lifting in him, a breaking through the cocoon of childhood. The problem was that he wasn't quite sure he was ready for it.

_Do you cry out in your sleep?_

_All my failings exposed?_

_Get a taste in my mouth_

_As desperation takes hold_

_Is it something so good_

_Just can't function no more?_

_When love—_

_Love will tear us apart_

_Again_

Angel turned to him, a question in his eyes at the melancholy area Xander's thoughts had turned to. _Angel_. The mystery, the enigma, the battered child, the artist, the kind and thoughtful, the hero, the betrayer; every facet of Angel was someone that Xander knew and loved equally. Angel's hand took his, Angel's hand so big and warm, comforting and sexual and…Xander's. Angel was inexplicably Xander's, and Xander just as inexplicably Angel's, their hearts beating together.

Willow, his best friend since childhood, sitting hand in hand with Tara, the girl he'd come to love and cherish, their promise rings glinting in the gentle light, an image of untainted love, unselfish and pure. Buffy, the girl who'd taught him to stand up for himself, a true friend who was willing to fight for what she believed in, but would take the road of peace if she could.

Spike, who'd tried to get him smoking cigarettes and shown him how to pick locks, who'd laughed at his jokes and come to church and played guitar for teenagers because of the love in his heart. Cordelia, who was an amazingly kind and intuitive girl who'd learned to become vicious and beautiful to survive, now his unlikely friend. His mother, who'd been there to pick up the pieces of every break in him, who'd sang "Kumbaya" and "Amazing Grace" until he'd fallen asleep to soothe away the nightmares, who'd shown him the power of God's love in her simple hugs in the years of childhood.

Xander felt enclosed in a shining circle of love, the cross of his family warm against his heart, the love in Angel's hand tingling through his arm. He didn't know who he was or what his future held. He didn't know what tomorrow was going to bring. But somehow he could smile, and live, and love, because for this one night he had his friends beside him and Angel's love in his heart.

As he squeezed Angel's hand, listening to his mother's voice as she bemoaned what they were going to eat that night, listening to Spike and Buffy flirting shamelessly over music, listening to the love-filled murmurings of Willow and Tara as they stared into each other's eyes, as Angel held him in a protective circle of love, Xander thought that maybe, just maybe, it was enough.

_God bless us, every one_, he thought with a smile.

_Love—_

_Love will tear us apart_

_Again._

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"_Everything Burns" by Anastacia (featuring Ben Moody) (Pieces of a Dream)_

"_Mean" by Pink (Funhouse)_

"_Deconstruction" by Indigo Girls (Become You)_

"_Needs" by Collective Soul (Dosage)_

"_Good Enough" by Sarah McLachlan (*The shortened strings version used in the "Felicity" soundtrack)_

"_Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Philistine (Blood & Chocolate (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack))_


	21. Chapter 20: Feel It Now

**A/N:** Sorry that this chapter is a little late, but it took me a little longer to get into the flow, as it were. Anyway, I'm not too sorry because I tend to value quality over quantity. In that spirit:

**Someone pointed out to me that I contradicted myself in the last chapter!! Where it says at one point "Xander hadn't worn the cross since that night" –you'll notice that I wrote later in the chapter that he wore it all the time.**

**Since FanFiction . net is so annoying about correcting mistakes, let's just say right now – Xander **_**always**_** wears that cross. Just so you know!**

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 20: Feel It Now

_And all my sorrows awaken_

_And all my fears run down_

_I turn myself into an angel_

_I run myself into the ground_

_I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll feel it now_

_I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll know it now_

_And all the reasons invading_

_Twist and turn my aching soul_

_I leave myself behind in pieces_

_I know you'll need them when I'm gone_

_I'm on my own, I'm sure I'll feel it now_

"Feel It Now" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_)

Time passed in Sunnydale, as it always does. The soft warmth of spring began to blaze into early summer, and all of the senior class of Sunnydale High School were eagerly counting every last day of the last three months of school. Senioritis kicked in with a vengeance and the senior class began to skip in droves. When they _were_ in class, no one could focus on anything. The cooling system wasn't working at its best, so the teachers left the windows open, letting the beautiful summer air wend its way through the room, enticing everyone within to come without.

Xander was going stir-crazy. He felt like a caged animal, always pacing, trying to figure out a hole in his cell he hadn't caught before so he could escape. His grey matter was going stagnant. Without being able to leave his home unless accompanied by one of his parents, Xander began to spend more and more time in his room.

Xander and Tony had another fight, this one loud enough to have concerned neighbors calling the Harris home. Tony had finally had enough of Xander's pussyfooting around the college issue and simply called Liberty University and enrolled him. Xander had come home from school one day already in a bad mood to find a congratulatory envelope from LU on his bed informing him that he had a full course schedule, room and board, and an assistant job at the chapel.

He lay in his room now, remembering the fight.

"_What the _hell_ is this?" Xander demanded, stomping down the stairs hard enough to rattle the pictures in their frames along the walls. Jessica had looked up and taken one glance at the murderous look on Xander's face and decided to go to the kitchen. Any other day and Xander would have felt awful that the fights between him and his parents were bad enough to send his mother running from him, but he was far too angry._

"_Don't you take that tone of voice with me!" Tony snarled back, not even trying to be civil. "I know you've had that Rosenberg girl practically doing your schoolwork for you but you should still be able to read an acceptance letter."_

"_Yeah – funny, how I have no memory at all of ever even sending an _application_ to Liberty," Xander yelled._

"_I won't be yelled at in my own home by my own son!" Tony hollered, going red in the face._

"_I won't let you control my life!"_

"_You _need_ more control in your life!" his father screeched. "I leave you to your own devices for all these years and see the rewards for my trust! Taking immoral classes behind our backs, sneaking out, inviting witches and troublemakers and _homosexuals_ into _my_ church!"_

"_Because the worst thing I could have possibly done is teach God's word in _God's_ church," Xander tossed out irritably._

"_Not the word of God as _you_ interpret it," his father snapped back. "I've heard what went on in those 'classes' of yours, your _approval_ for these filthy, sinful lifestyles—"_

"_Being gay is not a _choice_, and I don't interpret the Bible any less than _you_ do to support _your_ views!" Xander said hotly._

"_How dare you! It is a sin, a filthy and immoral sin that is leading to the degradation of the basic family unit, threatening the very institution of _marriage_! Immoral sex, filthy acts, fighting to get accepted as schoolteachers to convert our children! Look at AIDS – a clear message to all the faggots and dykes infesting this country with their gay agenda—"_

"_You stubborn, bigoted, narrow-minded jackass!" Xander screamed, nearly in tears, his fists clenched, trembling from head to foot. "You're blaming a _blood_ disease as an act of God?! Do you honestly think that some guy wakes up one morning and says to himself, 'gee, I'm sick of being attracted to women, I'll tell my body to be attracted to men now!'?"_

"_Get out of my sight!" Tony roared. "I don't want to see you until you've had time to think—"_

"_Think about what?! That whatever you say is God's law, you arrogant jerk?" Xander asked hysterically. "Don't worry about it! I'm never talking to you again!"_

"_So help me boy, I'll—!"_

"_Touch me again and I swear to God I'm never coming back to this house again," Xander said in icy calm._

"_You're a disgrace to this family," Tony snarled, his eyes small and mean, hidden a face of rage. There was nothing of God in that face, Xander thought dazedly. Nothing but a small, angry man using his religion to lash out against something he hates._

"_I love you," Xander said softly. He looked up, meeting his father's gaze, head on. "I _hate_ you. I've always forgiven you – but I'll never forgive you, ever."_

_You took my hand, you showed me how_

_You promised me you'd be around_

_I took your words and I believed_

_In everything you said to me_

_If someone said three years from now_

_You'd be long gone_

_I'd stand up and punch them out_

'_Cause they're all wrong_

_I know better_

'_Cause you said forever_

_And ever—_

_Who knew?_

_Ever_, Xander thought now. He'd been true to his word, for the most part; he and Tony hadn't exchanged one word except by proxy through Jessica since that night. That had been nearly three weeks ago. The Harris house was no longer a home, more like a battleground. Xander felt the tearing of his family like a rending in his heart. His mother bore it even harder.

Joyce was the only one of Jessica's church friends that really stuck by her through their family implosion. The rumors were spreading the rounds around Sunnydale faster than wildfire. Neighbors leaned over fences and spoke through windows, dropped notes in each other's mailboxes, spoke at the grocery store. Every fight had been blown up to epic proportions, each of them guessing at the content. Everyone agreed that Xander was turning into a hoodlum.

The Summers were being shunned. Tony Harris had been the town hero when he'd come in and opened the Church of Sunnydale, and everyone blamed Buffy for turning Sunnydale's favorite son into a screaming, angry adolescent. People began to question Joyce Summers herself, wondering at what had led to her divorce, if Joyce were (perish the thought) a _lesbian_. Joyce went through it with dignity, kept her head up and proud. Her eyes met everyone's eyes, and she forced shame on her detractors by never being shamed by the pointed stares they sent her way. Joyce helped Jessica run the choir of the church, just like every Sunday.

"People in small towns will talk, Jessica," she said firmly one afternoon as Xander vacuumed the aisles and dusted the pews. "No matter what, you can't let them know that they're bothering you."

Buffy was feeling the strain at school almost as bad as Xander was.

"I was so used to having people _not_ stare at me," she confessed one morning. "Back when I first got here, before I became friends with you guys, everyone stared at me because I was that weird girl that set gyms on fire. But the last couple of years that's died down. I _thought_ I had a lot of friends here."

_Remember when we were such fools_

_And so convinced and just too cool?_

_I wish I could touch you again_

_I wish I could still call you 'friend'_

_I'd give anything_

_When someone said "Count your blessings now—_

_Fore their long gone"_

_I guess I just didn't know how_

_I was all wrong_

_They knew better_

_Still, you said forever_

_And ever—_

_Who knew?_

The kids at Sunnydale High, bored by the dullness and repetitiveness of small town living that their parents found so attractive, were so excited by the drama of it all that they fed on the rumors like leeches in a feeding frenzy. Buffy, Xander, Willow and Tara were all outcasts now, and Cordelia was starting to attract a lot of negativity just for her associating with them over breakfast in the Library every morning.

"You think I _care_?" she barked irritably when Willow hesitantly asked about it. "I'm better than that."

Still, Xander wasn't too sure if that was true. Cordelia craved attention because she never got it at home, and she seemed a little more hesitant, a little more unsure now that she wasn't firmly established as Queen of Everything. Her clothes were a little less cutting-edge fashion, her smiles a little less ruthless.

Willow and Tara were bearing a large brunt of the unwanted attention as well. Before, no one had noticed Tara. Now that Tara and Willow were officially an on-campus couple, Tara was suddenly thrust into the limelight when it was all she wanted to avoid it. Willow was mocked publicly in front of teachers who did nothing to prevent it, and she stopped answering every question in class and drawing attention to herself. Instead, she dressed quieter and did her work in silence.

Xander had received the first ever afterschool detention of his life, and his father had officially grounded him from leaving the house for anything remotely extracurricular until Graduation Day.

A group of football jocks had been harassing Tara in the halls one day while Willow was in another part of school. "Freak! Loser! Lesbo! Rug muncher!" They followed her down the halls, screaming and laughing, a teacher or two looking on disapprovingly but doing nothing to prevent it.

Tara was in tears, stumbling and tripping as she tried to get away from them. Buffy and Xander, coming over from gym class to see what the commotion was about, looked on in shock – until Percy West, popular, handsome jerk footballer, shoved Tara against a locker and rubbed his crotch. "Hey, baby, wanna see what you're missin' out on?" he asked with a lascivious smile.

Tara jerked her head to the side, gasping for breath, looking like she'd been gutpunched. Xander saw red; he'd never been so angry in his life. He was already moving, so he never even saw Buffy until he heard the crunch.

"Don't you _ever_ fucking _touch_ her _again_!" Buffy screamed, enraged. She'd taken his arm and twisted it so far behind his back that it creaked. He yelled in pain, and on each enunciated syllable she slammed his head into the locker.

"Bitch!" one of the jocks roared, and lunged at her. Xander threw himself at him and threw the first punch of his life. It connected beautifully, thanks to Buffy's lessons. Xander hit him in the nose and broke it, dead center – he also bruised his knucklebones, but he was only aware of that later.

"What the hell is going on here?" Snyder's oily little voice suddenly demanded, his eyes narrowed and mean as he surveyed what happened.

"She fuckin' hit me!" Percy said angrily, pointing his unhurt arm at Buffy.

"Keep talkin' and you're gonna lose an eye," she snarled coldly. Buffy looked terrifying in that moment, her face flushed, eyes fierce, utterly strong and ruthless and ready to kick some major ass.

"Summers, my office!" Snyder snapped.

"Not till they get in trouble for harassing Tara!" Buffy said flatly.

"Did anyone else see this happen?" Snyder asked meanly, glancing at the teachers. Some of them at least had the shame to look down and not meet his eyes, but no one said a word. "I see nothing."

Tara looked up, horrified, and tried to run from the halls. Probably the only thing that both saved Snyder from a beating, the way Buffy was looking, and Xander and Buffy from getting suspended or worse, was Willow arriving on the scene.

Normally, no one was ever nervous around Willow. But they'd never seen Tara threatened by something before. Willow's pupils dilated to make her eyes look nearly completely black, her face so pale her hair looked like it was on fire. She was shaking from head to foot, listening to Snyder's voice.

"_Get out_," Willow snarled, her voice gone almost guttural with rage.

"Excuse me, Rosenberg?" Snyder started to say, but before he could say a word Willow was right next to him, her hand raised to deliver a slap to the face. Snyder blanched and jerked away.

"I'm telling you now, Snyder, if you don't get the hell out of here I swear to God I'll get every single gay organization in California down here so hard you'll never get a job in the fifty states of America," she said coldly.

Snyder wasn't quite as stupid as he looked, and one glance at Willow's face told him that she meant it. He turned and hurried away without another word. Willow offered a death glare to the group that had surrounded them. "Witch," some of the jocks muttered, but they slouched off. The teachers looked away, shaken.

"Baby, are you okay?" Willow asked gently, taking Tara's hand. Tara hid her face in Willow's shoulder. They stayed like that, Buffy breathing hard, Xander clenching his bruised fists, Willow soothing a weeping Tara, for a long time.

_I'll keep you locked in my head_

_Until we meet again_

_I won't forget you, my friend_

_What happened?_

They at least had each other to lean on, though; it seemed that one of the few positive things about being a social leper at Sunnydale High was that it tightened the genuine bonds you maintained with your friends. Willow and Tara brought their lunches to their favorite tree on the front yard and shared them while Buffy, Xander and Cordelia ate on the benches outside the front of the school, one of the few places that they were left alone.

Buffy and Xander had lunches from home, and Cordelia got all of her food delivered by a special dietician, so none of them had even bothered walking into the cafeteria. Buffy and Cordelia fell to talking about the impending Prom. Cordelia was debating the merits of even bothering to run for Prom Queen this year.

"How could you even say that?" Buffy asked, horrified. "This is our _senior_ year!"

"But think of my electoral group," Cordelia said critically. "I've ruled over these morons with an iron fist for four years, and now they have the _nerve_ to insult both me _and_ my friends? To hell with them."

"But that would just be letting them win," Buffy said exasperatedly. Xander smiled as they started arguing about it. Buffy and Cordelia had become better friends lately, since Cordelia had refused to allow her friends' shunning her to keep her out of Xander's friends. They'd started discussing fashion and boys together, and Xander and Willow suspected that Buffy got to indulge in her inner girly queen with Cordelia.

Xander stared out at the green lawns of Sunnydale High, letting their words make a soothing background to his thoughts. _Prom_. Now _there_ was an alien word. Even if he was allowed out of the house at this point, would he even go? He smiled bitterly, thinking of asking Cordelia to be his pretend date so he could try to not have stupid girly fantasies of Angel sweeping in in a tux at the last second and sweeping Xander off his feet.

He hadn't seen Angel since the night at Spike's. Spike still showed up at school to take them all out for lunch sometimes, so Xander got his news about Angel from there. According to Spike, Angel was doing much better. Drusilla was now living in a temporary situation with Wesley, and wasn't speaking to either of them. Xander was secretly pleased that it didn't seem to bother Spike too much.

"_He's gotten a lot better," Spike said one day when it was just him and Xander. "He drops by to see me sometimes. He's been going to AA meetings up in Oxnard every other week, you know. Goes to a church up there, too. He said he'd go to yours but he wasn't sure if you wanted to see him." Spike sent him a furtive look. "You _don't_ want to see him, right?" he asked casually._

"_Nice," Xander commented._

"_Can't be too subtle about it, can I?" Spike asked innocently._

"_Yeah, I want to see him again," Xander said, rolling his eyes. Spike chuckled but didn't say anything._

Xander carried the memories of the night at Spike's like a warming pocket in his heart. Angel had been clean, sober, and happy that night. He'd managed to stay by Xander's side all night, casually touching him, smiling at him, drawing him into conversation. Xander wondered why he was trying so hard, until he'd remembered what Angel had said to him—_"I love you, Xander. And I'm gonna show you that we can be together."_

He tingled with a glow inside, that night. Angel was actually trying to _prove_ to him that he loved him, that he was getting better, that _they_ were worth fighting for. Xander stared out at the lawn now and wondered where Angel was, what he was doing.

What _would_ Angel look like in a tux?

"How are things at home?" Buffy asked quietly as Tara giggled at something Willow had said. Xander smiled wistfully at them, then jerked his thoughts away from Angel and back to Buffy.

"They're okay, really. Me and my dad don't fight anymore. We just pretend that the other one doesn't exist."

"God, _my_ parents have been doing that for _years_," Cordelia said, taking out a banana. "I think it's the only reason they've stayed married this long."

"When my parents got divorced, that was when I really started staying out late and getting into fights. I was a total mess. I had myself convinced for a few months that it really _was_ my fault," Buffy said. "But I figured out a little bit later when my dad started ditching our weekends together in favor of diddling his new secretary that the problems were there _way_ before _I_ started getting in trouble."

"The secretary," Cordelia said with a sympathetic wince. "That's low."

"Tell me about it," Buffy said glumly.

"I don't know how to resolve this," Xander said, moodily contemplating his hot dog. "I just feel like there's this massive wall between me and my parents, and no matter how much I try to show them what it's like on my side they just stay over _there_."

"Welcome to being a teenager," Cordelia said flatly. "You were just so caught up in being the perfect child that it took senior year in high school to bring it out of you."

"I haven't been to church on a Wednesday in months," Xander went on. "I feel so bad about it, but every Sunday that church just gets more and more stifling. It's like I resent my dad for making _church_ bad."

"He _does_ make church bad," Buffy said irritably, crumpling her milk carton. "When you taught it it was _different_. _He's_ all like, 'Do this and go to Hell.' 'Do that and go to Hell.' 'Sex is evil unless you're married and even then it's only to make babies.' 'Women belong in the kitchen and feminism is evil.' 'Gay people try to recruit people just to send them to Hell.'"

"God, he had this totally tacky line last Sunday, though," Cordelia said with a bit of a snort.

"Don't even say it!" Willow called threateningly from the tree.

Buffy, Willow, Tara, Xander and Cordelia chanted in unison, "God created Adam and _Eve_, not Adam and _Steve_!"

_If someone said "Three years from now_

_You'd be long gone"_

_I'd stand up and punch them out_

'_Cause they're all wrong!_

_And, that last kiss_

_I'll cherish_

_Until we meet again_

_And time makes it harder_

_I wish I could remember!_

_But I keep your memory_

_You're busy making my sleep_

_My darling, who knew?_

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"_Feel It Now" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (Bones (Original Television Soundtrack))_

"_Who Knew" by Pink (I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition))_


	22. Chapter 21: Come to Me

**A/N:** Hey, guys! I'm already working on the next chapter, and I'm not sure if I'm going to post it later tonight or not. If I decide to, I'll do it. If not, I think that you guys will be pretty happy with this one – there's almost no angst!

In any case, this is where Xander meets Angel again, and it's a semi-fluffy, mostly romance-based chapter. Enjoy!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 21: Come to Me

_I remember when_

_You said that life was hard on you, and_

_I remember when_

_I watched you come undone again_

_And I still feel now_

_All the damage kept inside_

_All the walls that you built up_

_And all the bridges you burned down_

_In the end_

_It comes down to_

_I'm the one always around_

_Come to me—_

_I'll set you free_

_Come to me—_

_Make me believe you'll_

_Come to me_

_And I will help you crawl_

_Won't let you fall_

_Show you how to breathe_

_So come to me_

_I believe in how_

_The past can never be undone_

_And I believe that now_

_If I hold you, you can see the sun_

_And I believe it now_

_In the future you'll let me inside_

_All it takes is time to see_

_All you need is room to breathe_

_I can feel_

_It through my mind_

_And all you need is me_

_Come to me—_

_I'll set you free_

_Come to me—_

_Make me believe you'll_

_Come to me_

_And I will help you crawl_

_Won't let you fall_

_Show you how to breathe_

_So come to me_

"Come to Me" by Megan McCauley (_Better Than Blood_)

Xander was sound asleep the first night that Angel came to his house.

It was a Friday night and Buffy, Willow and Spike were going out to the Bronze. Tara had said earlier that she had something else that she needed to do and she'd meet up later. They'd discussed all of this in whispers, trying to not bring it to Xander's attention that they were free to come and go and he was stuck at home. Xander tried to ignore it, and the mysterious smile Tara and Spike gave him as lunch ended that day.

The smiles probably should have raised flags in Xander's mind that there was something going on, but he'd gone on to Culinary Arts and sweated over trying to make homemade donuts with Master Chef (or so he thought of himself) Dirk breathing down his neck. "Hah! _I'm_ in French," Buffy said superiorly.

"And failing just as spectacularly," Willow sang out happily. Cordelia started laughing so hard she walked into the water fountain.

In any case, Xander had come home and gone straight up to his room, as he usually did. He went under his bed and came out with a lock box Spike had snuck him to ditch his CD's in it. Of course, when Spike gave it to him it had had two gay porn magazines stuffed inside, explaining Spike's nasty smirk. Xander had blushed like wildfire…but he'd kept the magazines.

His mother didn't care what he listened to as long as he kept the volume down, so Xander booted in something soft to drown out the rest of the world as he dug through his homework. One of the few blessings of imprisonment was that Xander had a lot more time to do homework, including finally finishing this stupid creative writing assignment – write a poem based on something you see in nature.

Xander glanced around the room. Flower boxes were stupid, and no way was he writing about the lawn that he had to stress about for two hours every Saturday. He looked out at the darkening sky and waited for the moon to come up instead. It was a full moon, bright and white and pure.

_Dancing underneath the moon_

_Two flowers falling from the apple tree_

_Blossoms swirling in expressions of love_

_Fruit of Knowledge, tart and sweet_

_Falls to the green grass_

_Bathed in dew_

_Stars twinkling down on them_

_Two lovers in the light of the moon_

_Their dance unwitnessed by any mortal._

Dinner that night was tasteless and dull. It only took a few minutes to bolt it down and then Xander was washing dishes and Tony and Jessica had retired to the living room like ghosts, as silently as they'd come into the kitchen. A televangelist was preaching from the television about God's grace in blessing the church with your money, and Xander snorted in disgust. Same old tune, just a different day.

He'd gone to bed early after carefully locking his door, just like he did every night. His mother, he suspected, had been the one to interfere and allow him to keep the lock. Anything Xander had that he wanted away from his parents was kept in the lockbox or taken to school in his backpack every day. He was sound asleep by 10:30 that night, and expected to not wake up until 6:30 the next morning.

He heard a soft tap on his window. Then another, and another. Blinking, disoriented, Xander shoved the sheets off and walked over to the window. Another tap, and this time Xander saw the small pebble that had hit the glass. Bewildered, he opened the window and poked his head out.

"Hi," Angel said from the lawn.

_There's always cracks_

_The crack of sunlight_

_A crack in the mirror_

_On your lips_

_It's the moment of a sunset, Friday_

_When all conversations twist_

_It's the fifth day of ice on a new tattoo_

_But the ice should be on our heads_

_We only spun a web to catch ourselves_

_Till we were left for dead_

"Hey," Xander said, confused. Angel was standing on his lawn like a scene from a fifties movie; he was wearing a white shirt and a beat up leather jacket with a pair of black jeans, holding a pile of pebbles that he'd been steadily tossing up at Xander's window. Xander slowly smiled as Angel looked up at him with a big grin. "Am I dreaming?"

"No," Angel said with a sheepish grin. Xander glanced around and saw Tara's moped parked on the street – so _that_ was what she'd been grinning about at lunch today!

"Spike and Tara, plotting together?" Xander asked with an eyebrow raised, his smile threatening to break his face.

"Well…uh, it was my idea," Angel admitted, blushing. "I've come to rescue you."

_And I was never looking for approval from anyone but you_

_And though this journey is over, I'd go back if you asked me to_

_I'm not dead—_

_Just floating_

_Underneath the ink of your tattoo_

_In the belly of the beast we turn into_

_I'm not scared—_

_Just changing_

_Wrap me in a cigarette and a devilish smile_

_You're my crack of sunrise_

"Angel, I can't," Xander said, glancing around nervously to make sure all the lights were off.

"Yes, you can," Angel encouraged. "I swear I'll have you back in an hour!"

"But—" Xander started again, but Angel simply started climbing up the apple tree outside his window. "What are you doing?" Xander hissed, panicked.

"If you're not gonna come down to me, I'm coming up to you," Angel threatened with a whisper, with a soundless laugh.

"God…hold on!" Xander said, his heart racing. He ran to the closet and frantically grabbed a shirt and a pair of pants, his cheeks flaming in the darkness. He was so nervous he nearly put the pants on backwards. Once he'd straightened himself out he made sure the door was locked and the music was still playing, then he ran a finger through his hair and headed for the window. He couldn't help grinning as Angel smiled up at him expectantly. The breeze was warm and caressed his face like the flowers in his poem, and he whispered a prayer that this night was real and his parents wouldn't wake up.

_You can do the math a thousand ways_

_But you can't erase the facts_

_That others come and others go_

_But you always come back_

_I'm a winter flower underground_

_Always thirsty for summer rain_

_And just like the change of seasons_

_I know you'll be back again_

Xander had never climbed out of his window before, so he had a few scratches by the time he hit bottom. He tried to recollect his dignity, but Angel was grinning at him anyway so he smiled and laughed it off. Angel held his hand out and Xander took it without a moment's hesitation, grinning like a fool. Their hands seemed to spark when they met.

They didn't talk; instead they loaded up on Tara's moped. Xander hesitantly wrapped his arms around Angel's waist, feeling a tingle that had nothing to do with fear of getting caught shoot up his spine as Angel's back settled between his legs. Xander hid his grin against Angel's back as he rested his head on Angel's strong shoulder.

The moped wasn't fast but it got them where they were going. Angel pulled off at the turn for Sunnydale Beach. The moon hit the beach and made the sand look like diamonds, the ocean black and the sea breeze warm, sultry…sensual. Xander shivered as he climbed off the moped. Angel hesitantly held his hand out as Xander kicked his shoes off, and hand in hand they stepped onto the silty sand.

_I'm not dead—_

_Just floating_

_Underneath the ink of my tattoo_

_I've tried to hide my scars from you_

_I'm not scared—_

_Just changing_

_Wrap me in a cigarette and a devilish smile_

_You're my crack of sunrise_

"How have you been?" Xander asked after a moment, enjoying the swirl of the warm, salty summer ocean around his feet. It made his toes happy and he wriggled them in the foam.

"I've been better," Angel said. "It's been…hard, but I've been getting help. Spike makes sure I got to my AA meetings."

"He looks like he's been doing great," Xander said lightly.

"He is," Angel said, sounding happy. "His job is booming and he's been songwriting again. He's looking for a band to jam with, he told me."

"Do you…um…do you know—?" Xander tried, unable to finish the sentence. Angel's grip on his hand tightened, but Angel kept his voice light as he answered.

"Drusilla is still working for Wesley. She's got a little place beneath the building. She looks like she's doing okay."

"Good," Xander said. They didn't talk again for a little while, just kept walking along the beach. It was peaceful, calm. Xander didn't feel the usual need to fill the silence with babble when he was with Angel. Instead he felt a sort of Zen-like tranquility descend over him as they walked together, hand in hand. Angel's large hand encompassed his, making him feel safe, warm, kept.

_I'm not dead just yet_

_(I'm not dead, I'm just floating_

_Doesn't matter where I'm going_

_I'll find you)_

_I'm not scared at all_

_(Underneath the cuts and bruises_

_Find the game where no one loses_

_I'll find you)_

_I will find you_

"How are _you_, Xan?" Angel asked after a moment. Xander loved the way his nickname rolled off Angel's lips, Angel's artist's mouth making it into a prayer.

"I'm…not great," Xander said quietly, trying not to think about it. "But I'm okay."

"It's not…_my_ fault, is it?" Angel asked.

"No! No, it's…my father wants me to be—forget it. It's my problem, not yours."

"I seem to remember you telling me that people who love each other should help with each other's problems," Angel said, a world of feeling in his voice.

"They're my parents, Angel," Xander said helplessly.

"Parents are only people, just as flawed as anyone else, Xander. It took me a long, long time to understand that – don't let it happen to you," Angel said quietly.

_I'm not dead—_

_Just floating_

_I'm not scared—_

_Just changing_

_You're my crack of sunlight._

Xander stopped and turned to him, and Angel met his eyes. Xander liked the fact that Angel was so tall, that he had to tilt his head to meet Angel's eyes. His eyes were dark and full of meaning, but not full of the bitterness that had seeped into them for so long. Xander traced the contours of Angel's face, letting Angel close his eyes and sigh as Xander's trembling fingers traced over his lips.

"Thank you," Xander breathed finally. Angel pressed his lips to Xander's fingers, a quick kiss stolen in the moonlight, before he smiled.

"Swim?" he offered.

_Touched_

_You say that I am too_

_So much_

_Of what you say is true_

_I'll never_

_Find someone quite like you_

_Again_

_I'll never_

_Find someone quite like you_

_Again_

"What?" Xander asked.

"Swim with me," Angel invited with an only slightly lascivious smirk. "I'll behave myself, I promise."

"I don't have any swim clothes," Xander protested, blushing furiously.

"That's half the fun," Angel said, now grinning as he shucked his jacket and his shirt off. Xander jerked his eyes away from Angel's muscular chest and the way the sea breeze made Angel's nipples hard and attractive.

"I don't know…" he said nervously.

"Come on, Xan," Angel encouraged. Before Xander could say another word, Angel dropped his pants to his silky red boxers and started wading into the water. "Ooh, that's nice," he said appreciatively, dipping down underneath. He surfaced a few feet farther from shore, his silky hair slicked back to his head, pale skin shining like diamonds under the moon.

"You're crazy!" Xander said, grinning himself. "What about sharks?"

"They don't come around Sunnydale," Angel called back patiently.

"This is crazy," Xander muttered. But to his own disbelief he found himself tossing the t-shirt off. He wondered if Angel liked the way he looked with his shirt off and shivered in less-than-cold as he quickly tossed his pants off and stepped into the water.

Angel had been beyond right; the water was warm and sultry and felt more like a spa than the ocean. The waves rocked him like a baby in a cradle and Xander laughed in delight when foam wrapped around his body. Angel looked like the male version of Aphrodite, God of Beauty and Love rising from the foam as he emerged from the water next to Xander.

Angel's lips met Xander's without force, without real intent. Xander sighed. Angel was giving him a choice – he could break from this easily if he wanted to. Xander hesitated for a moment and Angel broke the small kiss. He gave Xander a smile not easily read and slipped beneath the sea. Xander took a deep breath, smelling the salt and trying to calm himself down, before he followed.

_The razors and the dying roses_

_Pray I don't meet you alone_

_The demigods and hungry ghosts_

_And God, God knows I'm not alone_

It was like entering a magical kingdom. Xander had always loved the ocean, and Sunnydale was small and out of the way enough to have only one ship harbor, so Sunnydale Beach was always clear and blue. Underneath the ocean the water enveloped him like a blanket, the moonlight sparkling through the waves like a dancer, the dartings of fish and anemones like mermaids flitting away, Xander's favorite fairy tale.

There was silence here, cool tranquility and beauty, mysteries untouched by man. The salt burned his eyes but he swam with sure strokes as he saw Angel, a large, graceful shape ahead of him. Angel moved with the same grace through water that he possessed on land, his hair waving around him. He looked ethereal in the moonlight and Xander had a sudden pang that Angel was not real, not here with him.

He surfaced and Angel followed. This time Xander initiated the kiss, and Angel was still in surprise for a second before he moaned into Xander's mouth and gently held his head, moving them closer, letting his tongue tangle with Xander's as their lips pressed harder against each other. Xander licked the salt off Angel's lips, moaning at Angel's flavor mixed with the sea.

_I'll never find someone quite like you_

_Again_

_I'll never find someone quite like you_

_Again_

They stayed for an eternity, it seemed, joined together under the moonlight, Angel's hands roaming Xander's back as Xander nervously explored the muscular planes of Angel's chest. Angel moaned unashamedly and drew Xander's hands to his nipples, gasping in pleasure as Xander experimentally pinched one puckered point.

Xander gasped as Angel repeated the trick. He'd never really had his nipples played with and he'd had no idea his were so sensitive. Angel grinned wickedly and leaned down. Xander let out a strangled howl as Angel's lips closed around his nipple and sucked hard. He pulled Angel's hair roughly and slammed their lips together in a bruising kiss. Angel responded enthusiastically, his tongue plunging into Xander's mouth in a fair impersonation of Hail the Mighty Conqueror, and Xander sucked on the thick, hot appendage.

Angel pulled back, gasping harshly, his eyes dark and glittering. Xander breathed hard, fighting the urge to bring them back together again.

_I_

_I looked into your eyes and saw_

_A world that does not exist_

_I looked into your eyes and saw_

_A world I wished I was in_

"Angel…please," Xander whispered, turning from him. "I can't…not now—"

"Don't, Xander," Angel said, gently placing his hand on Xander's shoulder. "You don't have to tell me 'no.' I know you're not ready." Xander blushed fiercely. "Don't be ashamed, Xander," Angel said strongly. Xander sighed and rested his head against Angel's forehead, their lips meeting once, twice, before they pulled away.

The water felt hot around them.

_I'll never find someone quite as touched as you_

_I'll never love someone quite the way that I love you_

They swam lazily back to the shore, letting the waves carry them to shore. Angel turned away from Xander as he got his dry clothes, and Xander shivered in a sort of pleasure as he thought of his own erection and wondered if that was what Angel was hiding. He'd done that to Angel, made Angel lose control like that.

But he didn't think about that as he checked to see that Angel wasn't looking before he shucked off his wet boxers and threw his jeans back on. Instead he thought of the way that Angel hadn't pushed him, the way that he'd given him time. Xander was glad – he _wasn't_ ready to have sex with Angel, no matter how much his body wanted to. He glanced back as he pulled his shirt on in time to see Angel pulling his pants up to his waist.

_Definitely ready_, he thought as Angel's muscular, shapely ass disappeared behind black jeans and his flagging erection sent a fresh wave of sensitivity from his groin to his spine. He turned his eyes away and blushed as he pulled his shirt back on.

They made it back to his house and Angel stopped a few houses down from Xander's. Xander was amused to see the time on Angel's watch. 11:25 – he was back before the hour was out. Angel killed the motor and got up to help Xander off. He leaned in and kissed him lightly.

"I'm coming to see you tomorrow for lunch," Angel breathed.

"I'll wait for you," Xander promised. Angel squeezed his hand and got back on the moped.

"I have to return this to Tara," Angel said apologetically.

"Angel, what happened to your car?" Xander asked, amused.

"It's too noisy, so Tara overheard Spike and suggested this," Angel explained.

"Goodnight," Xander said with a grin.

"Goodnight, Xander," Angel said with a bright smile. Then he was driving away and gone, disappearing in the light of the moon. Xander climbed the tree a little easier this time. He felt like he was falling into dreams on a cloud.

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"_Come to Me" by Megan McCauley (Better Than Blood)_

"_I'm Not Dead" by Pink (I'm Not Dead)_

"_Touched" by VAST (Angel: Live Fast, Die Never (Original Television Soundtrack))_

**Original poem:**

"_Moondance" by PyroPadawan (a.k.a. Pfenix_Goddess)_


	23. Chapter 22: Angel

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 22: Angel

_Darling, I don't like it when you say_

_Bad things about yourself—_

_Oh, please, don't talk that way_

_You are so beautiful_

_I wish you could see_

_What I see_

_You're an angel_

_Angel_

_Just like you always wanted to be_

_So what if you did wrong things_

_When you knew no better? The thing_

_Is to draw a line_

_And be the best you can_

_At any given time_

_Don't hide your eyes from mine_

_Angels do fall down some times_

_They do get blind_

_It happens all the time_

_You're an angel_

_Angel_

_Just like you always wanted to be_

"Angel" by Sinéad O'Connor (_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_)

Angel was true to his word, and the next day he showed up outside of the school to pick Xander up for lunch. Buffy stared wordlessly, and Willow looked slightly worried. Tara smiled and went back to her sandwich without meeting Xander's eyes. Cordelia was following Buffy's advice and preparing her complicated comeback Prom Queen campaign and had requested solitude in the library with her specialty Atkins Diet luncheon.

"You didn't think I'd show up, did you?" Angel asked softly when Xander hesitated outside the black convertible. Xander smiled apologetically and threw his backpack in the back seat and resolutely clambered into the car. Angel smelled of spicy cologne and Xander blushed at the thought that he'd actually spruced himself up for this, just like a real date.

That day, they went to Pop's Sandwich Shop, a small eatery that Xander had helped out at a few summers back and made some money that his parents had never allowed him to spend. Angel had picked well; Vickie, the girl behind the counter, was a friendly out of towner Vegan who never gossiped. She gave Xander something of a surprised smile when Angel led them to a private two-seater, but she didn't say a word, just gave them the menus.

Angel ordered a slightly bloody burger, which Xander found more than slightly disgusting. "The blood's where all the flavor is!" Angel said enthusiastically, digging in.

"If you say so, carnivore," Xander said dryly, and started in on his tomato soup.

"Why do you like tomato soup?" Angel asked curiously, wiping some blood off his chin with the back of his hand. _Yes!_ Xander thought exultantly. _Angel has bad table manners!_ Somehow, the fact that this perfect-looking individual had such a stupid flaw made Xander feel much more comfortable about the…lunch date.

"It's comfort food," Xander said. "It's warm and it tastes good and there's absolutely _nothing_ in it but broth, so you don't even get full on it."

"Sounds…gross," Angel said with a slight smirk.

"So says the vampire," Xander accused, pointing at the hunk of meat Angel was carving into.

"You've been spending too much time with Spike," Angel said with a grin.

"Well, he does have blue eyes," Xander teased.

Angel grinned, looking relieved that Xander was loosening up, joking…flirting. "I'm inclined to be jealous," he said lightly.

"Spike doesn't kidnap me from my bedroom in the dead of night and take me for romantic midnight swims," Xander pointed out, not kidding.

"No, he doesn't," Angel agreed. "In fact, he also doesn't take you to a very odd Mexican restaurant at the edge of the desert, either."

"You're so sure of me, huh?" Xander asked, nudging Angel's foot with his.

"I'm…kinda new at this dating thing, actually," Angel admitted, blushing slightly. "I'm enjoying wooing you."

"Extra points for saying woo," Xander pointed out brightly.

"What do you read for fun?" Angel asked suddenly.

"Huh?"

"Read?" Angel repeated, chomping into a pickle.

"Um…science fiction," Xander said after a minute. "My grandfather got me caught up reading _Dune_ when I was a kid, and so I read a bunch of that – of course, according to my parents, the only fiction series I own is _Left Behind_."

"I've read _Dune_ before," Angel said. "I always thought after _God Emperor of Dune_ that Herbert went a little nuts."

"But that's the point of his genius!" Xander said enthusiastically. "You have to really think about the symbolism and what he's trying to say! Like in comic books – so much of what's going on will make no sense to you unless there's a good artist! You have to have the, the uh, _nuances_, that's it."

"You read comic books?" Angel asked, grinning.

"Yeah, so?" Xander said defensively. "You read poetry."

"I'm artistic," Angel said with a faux-offended sniff.

"And also very _gay_," Xander cracked with a sunny grin. Angel busted out laughing and had to take a big gulp of water. Underneath the table, their feet continued playing together, a childish game of footsie that neither of them were inclined to stop.

***

That night, true to his word, Angel showed up at eleven o'clock. He and Xander went flying off in Spike's quieter De Soto to the edge of the desert, where a very strange restaurant decorated with candles and catholic symbols served a very excellent burrito.

"I found this place when I was desert scouring one day," Angel explained as they walked out into the parking lot. Xander breathed in appreciatively, scenting the creosote and cactus, the sand and heat.

"Do you come out here a lot?" Xander asked curiously.

"All the time," Angel said. He took Xander's hand. "Spike told me that you loved the beach, so I took you there our first date. Tonight, I wanted to share my escape with you." Xander squeezed Angel's hand as the headed out a few steps into the desert. "This is where it's so quiet, where the sand gets into everything. It reminds me of time. There's nothing that can survive the desert for an eternity, and the clarity of the sky…this is where I find God, I guess, in a place people call Hell."

"It's beautiful," Xander breathed.

"I thought you might like it," Angel said shyly.

They shared a kiss under the waning moon as it set over the heat waves of the sandy paradise they'd found together, as fused together as any two grains of sand in the middle of a mountain.

***

"Buffy's not talking to me," Xander told Willow a few days later.

"Of course not. She still has a mucho crush on Angel that she won't admit to and you never bothered to tell her that half the reason Angel wasn't actually _into_ her after he'd taken her virginity was _you_," Willow said mercilessly. Clearly she was not in Angel's corner.

"God, I feel like a cretin," Xander said glumly.

"So go _talk to her_," Willow suggested. "Why do I always have to state the obvious?"

***

Xander found Buffy in the library, staring at a book but not really seeing it.

"Am I in deep shit?" he asked, settling next to her.

"_You_ just said a _curse_ word in the _Library_?" she asked in disbelief, jolting out of her daze.

"You're a bad influence," Xander informed her solemnly.

"Me or Spike?" she asked, staring down at the table.

"I'm sorry, Buffy," he said. "I've been kinda stupid these last couple of days."

"Well, you've been going through a lot," she said.

"And I wouldn't have gotten through any of it without my friends," Xander said firmly. "That's not an excuse."

"I'm not mad at you, Xander," she said. "I've just been doing deep thinking."

"The dreaded DT?"

"The same," she said glumly. "You know, I really was in love with Angel. I knew the whole time that there was someone else – not so much that he was _cheating_ on me as I knew that he wasn't in love with me. He _liked_ me, sure, but he wasn't in _love_ with me. He never smiled at me the way he smiled at you when he came to pick you up the other day."

"But I should have told you that I had a crush on him," Xander argued.

"_Had_ a crush? How long did you like him?" Buffy asked, bewildered, jolted from her thoughts.

"Angel…is the one who made me realize…you know," he said, squirming slightly at her intense scrutiny. "Um…that first night at the Bronze."

"Why didn't you _say_ something when you told us about it?" Buffy demanded. "I'd never have even asked him out if I'd known!"

"Well, I was having grand mal freakout," Xander said. "I mean, having the life-altering realization in _my_ family isn't exactly a tiptoe through the tulips – that's the _stupidest_ phrase," he said flatly.

"It really is—stop distracting me," Buffy said. "You still should have told me."

"Well, aside from the freakout I thought that he really liked you, and you were really getting into it with him, and then it got all weird when I was in the room with Angel 'cause our eyes kept meeting and I felt like I was being a bad friend and then there was the big bad jealousy thing and then—"

"Xander! Deep breaths!" Buffy commanded. Xander stopped the Xanderbabble, blushing sheepishly. "I always just thought that you and Angel didn't _like_ each other, because you just never talked about each other."

"Well…it was _weird_, crushing on my best friend's _boy_," Xander said with a self-deprecating grin.

"The whole thing with Angel was just _wrong_," Buffy said. "I rushed into it. I mean, I've _never_ gone into a guy as fast as I was with Angel. I mean, we _slept_ together! That's _huge_!"

"Yeah," Xander said, not wanting to think about it, even now.

"I don't know. It kind of gave me some perspective. It's like when things went bad after the sex, I sort of grew up a little. Angel was never horrible to me, he was just falling apart anyway. I heard some of it from Willow, but I saw enough in his eyes to know it was bad."

"It was," Xander said, shuddering at the painful memories.

"It's just…" Buffy went on after a minute. "I'm still not quite as over Angel as I thought I was. It kind of hurts…but I've never seen either of you so happy as when you're with each other. So I can't really stand in the way of that."

"Buffy, you know that if you told me to I'd stop seeing him," Xander said flatly. "It'd suck and it'd hurt like hell, but you, Willow and Tara are my _family_. I'd leave anyone if I thought that you really needed me to."

"Of course I know that," Buffy said with a gentle smile. "You're my Xander-shaped friend! And, besides, now you won't flip a coronary when I tell you that Spike offered to be my Prom date."

"_What?!_" Xander gasped, shocked.

***

"I think that he really likes her," Angel said next week, when he'd picked Xander up for lunch again.

"It just took me out of left field," Xander said, crunching into a taco. Angel had driven through a Taco Bell and taken Xander to the empty playground to eat. He'd never told Angel about the rest of his and Buffy's conversation, and at her request he hadn't talked about it to Willow or Tara either. Instead, they'd all been discussing Spike.

"He writes poetry about her," Angel said with a sly grin. "He even wrote her a song."

"No!" Xander said, slurping his Coke.

Their dates were getting more comfortable. For the most part, they just talked about each other. By mutual consent, Angel's past and Xander's parents were off-topic subjects. Instead they talked about movies, books, art, music…

Angel, Xander found out, was a classic movies fan. They talked for hours about Alfred Hitchcock and _The Godfather_, _Rocky_ and _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_ (which Angel maintained was an awful movie – Xander had hit him in the shoulder for that one). Angel was delightfully eclectic in his music tastes, ranging from country to techno to heavy metal and 90's pop. Xander had a delight revisiting the grunge era in Angel's music collection in the car.

Angel grilled him during lunch dates. He wanted to know Xander's favorite movies, his favorite books, his favorite artists. Xander in turn wouldn't give anything up without a matching answer from Angel. Xander tended to stay out of the political arena while Angel was a social liberal and hugely conservative when it came to the economy.

"The free market system is the entire reason the Soviet Union fell," Angel expounded over Chick-Fil-A. "It has some kinks, sure, but it's the greatest money system in the world."

The nighttimes, however, were for more serious conversation. College, the future, position on children, religion. Some nights they didn't talk at all, choosing to spend the evening in companionable silence, sharing the nearness of the other person. Angel took Xander over all of Sunnydale – Breaker's Woods, Kingman's Bluff, Sunnydale Beach, restaurants and smoky clubs. One time they met the rest of the gang at the Bronze for a truly memorable evening when Angel attempted dancing and had Cordelia laugh in his face.

It was only on the topic of the Prom that they truly dissented.

"You should be able to go," Angel stubbornly insisted.

"They'll never let me," Xander said flatly.

"They can't keep you prisoner in that house forever!" Angel said angrily.

"Angel, please," Xander said, turning away.

"This…it's not _right_, Xander," Angel said, impassioned. "You haven't done _anything_ wrong!"

"They're my parents," Xander said desperately, choking on a sob.

"That's not an excuse!" Angel yelled. Xander jerked away, unwillingly flashing back to a time when Angel had been so angry—_"He's all yours," Angel whispered to Spike, shoving Xander to the ground like so much garbage_—

"I want to go home," Xander whispered.

"Xander, I'm sorry," Angel said, but Xander just shook his head.

"Please?"

"Alright," Angel sighed, not touching him. Instead, his large hand dropped awkwardly back to his side and he held the car door open for Xander. The truth was, Xander thought, tossing in his bed that night, Angel was right. He hadn't done anything wrong, and lately it was getting harder and harder to agree with his parents on anything. He wanted to be free, to go to the Prom with Angel and dance and be _happy_.

Clenching his mother's cross in his fist that night he prayed for all the other children just like him who couldn't dance.

***

_I'm so far_

_So far away from it now_

_That it seems_

_Like I may never know how_

_People stay_

_In love for half of their lives_

_It's the secret they keep_

_Between husbands and wives_

_Baby, there goes somebody's miracle_

_Walking down the street_

_There goes some other fairy tale_

_I wish it could happen to me_

_But I look at myself_

_Wondering if I'm just too weak_

_To have such faith in myself_

Spring was in full blast and so was the Prom at Sunnydale High School. With just one week to go before the big day, it was all anyone could talk about. Considering the juicy gossip this year, the senior class was going out with a bang, and all eyes were on Cordelia Chase, wondering if she'd stoop to poison to murder the competition.

"_Please_," she said irritably one morning. "_Like_ I would stoop so low as to not _hire_ someone else to do it _for_ me."

Buffy smiled and went back to discussing dresses with Willow. Willow and Tara were going together, to hell with the consequences. In truth, people had been leaving Tara alone since the incident in the hallway – no one really wanted to mess with her considering that Percy had had to go to the hospital at the end of that day for some prescription painkillers, Xander had broken Gage's nose, and Willow had nearly gotten Snyder fired.

Buffy was going with Spike, and Spike was actually planning a big surprise for Buffy. "If I told you it wouldn't surprise her," Spike said patiently to Xander one day when he'd shown up in lieu of Angel to take them to lunch. "All the girls have to do is ply _you_ with chocolate and you tell them your social security number."

"It's like a drug!" Xander said, ashamed.

"For _you_, at least, you chocolate whore you," Spike said with a grin.

"I'm just trying to picture _you_ in a tux," Tara said.

"Tell me about it," Willow said fervently.

"Oi! I can wear a tux!" Spike said, affronted.

_Once upon a time_

_I was so restless in love_

_When things were fine_

_I'd change my mind just because_

_Now I see_

_How wrong and reckless I've been_

_Each frog has a prince_

_Just waiting inside of him_

_Baby, there goes somebody's miracle_

_Walking down the street_

_There goes some other fairy tale_

_I wish it could happen to me_

_But I look at myself_

_Then I think, what the hell?_

_Maybe I'm just too naïve_

_To have such faith in myself_

_You know I'm praying for it_

Xander tried desperately to keep the bitterness out of his voice and his thoughts whenever the subject of Prom came up, but he had a suspicion that he was fighting a losing battle. Angel's words had taken root deep in his mind. It wasn't _fair_ that he couldn't go to his _senior_ Prom just because his dad was a narrow-minded bigot!

The next time his father accused him of being surly at the dinner table Xander said as much, which got him sent straight to his room without dinner. The truth was, Xander had had a taste of freedom in his nights with Angel, and it wasn't enough. He was in love with Angel, for better or for worse – absolutely, once-in-a-lifetime, head-over-heels, in love. He wanted to go to the Prom with Angel, and go to dates with Angel, and do couply things with Angel. He wanted…to take that step with Angel, as scary a thought as that was. Instead, in less than four months he was going to be shipped to Virginia to take the Jerry Falwell course.

_But the queen_

_She likes to sit on her throne_

_Doesn't mean_

_You too are never alone_

_It's just love_

_As needs that love only knows_

_Why true couples stay close_

_It's like the bloom off the rose_

_Baby, there goes somebody's miracle_

_Walking down the street_

_There goes some other fairy tale_

_I wish it could happen to me_

_But I look at myself_

_Wondering if I'm just too weak_

_To have such faith in myself_

_You know I'm praying for it_

Xander hadn't seen Angel since their minor spat, or heard from him, and it was only adding to his distress. He went to school the Friday before Prom with his heart like lead. It was only at lunch that he really noticed the smiles his friends were all shooting his way as they led him to the Library instead of the front yard.

"What?" he asked curiously, until they opened the Library where an amused looking Giles was holding a package.

"This came special delivery, Mr. Harris," he said with a flourish. Fingers trembling, Xander noted _Alexander Harris_ written in Angel's artist's script across the package. He carefully peeled back the paper to see a large white box. It felt heavy, and he shook it experimentally to see what it was.

It rustled. He shot his friends a bewildered look and eased the box open. A tuxedo lay inside, along with a card and a long-stemmed red rose. Xander carefully opened the card. There, in Angel's cursive, was a note:

_My Xander—_

_Come rain or shine I'll be at your window tomorrow night at the stroke of midnight. Please wear this. I know that you can't come to Prom, but please trust me._

_Angel._

_My Xander_, Xander thought, shaking. _His._ He stroked over the rose, the petals giving off a sweet fragrance. "What—?"

"Just do it, Xand," Buffy said with a grin. "Trust me."

***

Xander honestly didn't think that Angel was going to show up. He couldn't allow the rose in his room to bloom into a blossom of hope in his heart. Dinner was the usual cold, silent affair it had become these days. His parents were actually calling on the phone to the dean or whoever of Liberty University to ensure good on-campus housing and discussing all the different jobs that Xander would enroll in along with his scholarships to help pay for tuition. They expected him to cram his church duties in along this schedule.

Xander stormed out of the living room without a backwards glance when his father rapturously started talking about the different missionary opportunities available from Liberty. His mother took a breath behind him, almost a sigh, but Xander couldn't deal with it. Let them plan his life. He didn't have anymore control over that than he did the weather. Instead, he opted for a long shower, the water turned up as hot as he could stand it.

He locked the door behind him, as was habit by now, and popped in a country CD. _The music of pain_, he thought to himself. He put the package with the tuxedo inside it out of his mind and tried to ignore that it was resting expectantly on the bed. _Please trust me_, the note whispered, Angel's voice, deep and husky and tinted with Irish rolling through his mind.

_Another day, I find myself living this way_

_It's like I want to make it all slow down_

_I bought a ticket for this train_

_Now I'm on it_

_And it's full speed ahead, no looking back now_

_No time to see my reflection or hear the sounds_

_Of poetry_

_Philosophy_

_And all the things that make me wonder how this world goes round_

_But sometimes I see you_

_A vision I can't hold on to_

_So far, today I'll be still life_

_With window views_

Xander leaned back in his desk chair and contemplated fate. He truly believed in God, believed in leading a good Christian life – helping strangers, giving aid to the poor, not gossiping, not killing, lying, cheating or stealing, just trying to be the best that you can possibly be. What he did not believe in was the God of the Bible, the angry, jealous God who smited countries off the face of the planet and drowned the earth and sent people to Hell for all eternity for sinning rather than giving them a chance to redeem themselves.

His parents had given him life, loved him and provided for him and cared for him, and he loved them deeply. But Angel was also right – parents were just humans, just as flawed as everyone else. What his father was doing, and by extension his mother, was wrong. He shouldn't be kept away from knowledge because it clashed with their world view. He shouldn't be told what friends he could and could not have, who to love. He shouldn't be locked in his room right now to avoid fighting with them.

The problem was that Xander couldn't seem to find a way to show them the God that he knew, the loving God who didn't solve problems for you but guided you to the answers you needed, the God who gave you a choice and vision to see the world for the beautiful jewel that it was. He couldn't show them that the differences in each soul were what made that soul as beautiful, intricate, and unique as any snowflake.

_Another promise I couldn't make_

_Another candle on the cake_

_That I forgot to wish on_

_I was so busy making plans_

_I felt I needed both my hands_

_And when I let go of yours you were gone_

_But sometimes I see you_

_A vision I can't hold on to_

_So far, today I'll be still life_

_With window views_

Xander didn't want to be like his parents. He wanted to see the world, to see the art and the individuality. He wanted to feed the hungry and shelter the homeless, to write and to love, to hurt and to heal. He wanted to be _human_, not the pastor's child. He wanted to be _Xander_, not Reverend Harris.

Yes, he loved his parents. But they couldn't live his life for him.

Sitting up, Xander checked the clock. It was already past ten o'clock, and he'd never figured out how to do a tie, and the tux looked complicated. _Midnight_.

_Another day, I find myself living this way_

_It's like I want to make it all slow down…_

***

Angel showed up at 11:59, his car idling on the curb. Xander's parents were sound asleep, but at this point Xander couldn't even care if he got caught. Making sure the door was locked and the CD playing, he let himself down, not even rumpled by all the practice. Angel stepped out of the car, picking him up just like a real Prom date.

Angel looked like a prince, beautiful and unapproachable, his tux black and crisp, his hair slicked back and beautiful. His eyes glowed with a warm emotion in the summer breeze as Xander straightened his own tuxedo. On a second thought, Xander smiled to himself and grabbed two of the apple blossoms from the tree. Angel looked a question at him but Xander stuck one in his lapel and gave Angel the other one. Angel smiled and mirrored the movement.

He offered his arm, ever the gentleman, and Xander grinned as he took it. The top of the car was up for once, to stop the wind from messing up their hair. Xander felt the solemnity of the moment, as dumb as it sounded. Angel was taking him to _Prom_, or something like it. This was…a step, though Xander couldn't tell what for.

Therefore, he was rather surprised when Angel turned toward the desert.

They arrived at Angel's favorite butte, an easily accessible rock that had a long, flat surface easy to walk on. Clearly, there was some preparation already. Angel had brought a Coleman lantern next to a white sheet that was laid out picnic style, weighed down by rocks to keep it from blowing away.

With the stars out and the waning moon adding to the dim light, Xander felt like he was in the middle of a fairy tale.

"Angel…" he whispered, utterly blown away. Angel took his hand without saying anything. They ate in silence, a small meal of chicken and some salad. Angel uncorked a bottle of red wine. Xander, never much for alcohol, had a small glass, and Angel followed suit. For a time they lay in the hot air of the desert, hands touching, not needing to look at each other.

"Xander," Angel finally said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?"

"There's something I'd like to give you," he said, his voice sounding distinctly nervous.

"You've already done more than enough," Xander said, embarrassed, sitting up.

"This…isn't a money thing," Angel said seriously. "Do you know what this is?" He was holding a ring in his hand, thought at closer inspection there was a design carved into it. Xander had never seen it before.

"No," he said nervously. He didn't know where this was going.

"It's a claddagh," Angel said reverently. "My people – the Irish – we wear it as a sign of devotion. See, the crown means loyalty, the hands mean friendship, and the heart…well, you know. You wear it with the heart pointed towards you to say you belong to someone – like this," he whispered, showing Xander his left hand, where a similar ring lay on Angel's middle finger.

"Angel," Xander gasped, unsure what to say.

"You don't have to take it," Angel said quickly.

"I don't know what to say, honestly," Xander said, taking it from him. He didn't put it on, but he stared at it for a while.

"You don't have to say anything now," Angel said. "Just…think about it?"

"Angel?"

"Yes, Xander?"

"Dance with me," Xander asked quietly. Angel grinned nervously and pulled a small stereo out of the basket. It looked like Spike's, and Xander felt a twinge that Angel had so clearly enlisted so many of Xander's beloved friends just to make this night perfect for Xander.

He popped in a CD, and Xander instantly recognized the song that came on – it was one of his favorites, a jazz tune that his grandfather had introduced him to. Tears sprang to Xander's eyes as Angel pulled him to his feet.

_I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown_

_Well, what am I to do?_

_I know all the things around your head_

_And what they do to you_

_What are we coming to?_

_What are we gonna do?_

_Blame it on the black star_

_Blame it on the falling sky_

_Blame it on the satellite_

_That beams me home_

They revolved slowly, moving together like the diamonds in the sand, alone in a corner of the world know to only themselves and God. Angel held him tightly, protectively and possessively, and Xander surrendered to the strength of that embrace, to the shelter that it offered from a world that was unsure. Angel was like a rock, steadying him, showing him someone that he could be – a grown man.

Angel kissed the top of his head and Xander leaned in to Angel's throat, feeling the reassuring _thump_ of Angel's heart against his lips.

_Troubled words of a troubled mind_

_Try to understand what is eating you_

_Try to stay awake but it's 58 hours since_

_That I last slept with you_

_What are we coming to?_

_I just don't know anymore_

_Blame it on the black star_

_Blame it on the falling sky_

_Blame it on the satellite_

_That beams me home_

"I love you, Angel," Xander whispered, holding Angel as tightly as Angel held him, an anchor to something real as they danced into an alternate universe where everything was possible and dizzy and crazy.

"I love you, Xander," Angel whispered back, his words only for Xander and the wind. Their lips met, a binding kiss, a prayer and a spell cast over the two of them that Xander could feel racing through his veins like electricity.

The ring felt right on his finger, a perfect fit, even though Angel couldn't know his ring size.

_What are we coming to?_

_I'm gonna melt down_

Angel drove Xander home not long after that. Their hands stayed together, ring to ring and heartbeat to heartbeat, until he killed the car outside of Xander's home. Xander turned to him and gave him a smile. Angel leaned in and captured his lips in a kiss, one final brush of grace to send back in Xander's heart.

"I love you," he whispered against Angel's lips.

"I'll wait for you," Angel promised. Xander couldn't help but smile as Angel drove slowly away. Xander spun slowly across the lawn, dancing beneath the apple tree, the blossoms reminding him of Angel, the moon beaming down like God's smile on this love that had been born out of impossibility but was what was saving his life.

He fell asleep in the tuxedo and dreamed a million dreams of a life of freedom, under the desert sun with Angel.

_Blame it on the black star_

_Blame it on the falling sky_

_Blame it on the satellite_

_That beams me home_

_Beams me home._

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"_Angel" by Sinéad O'Connor (Bones (Original Television Soundtrack))_

"_Somebody's Miracle" by Liz Phair (Somebody's Miracle)_

"_Still Life" by Patty Medina (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Radio Sunnydale (UK Bonus Tracks))_

"_Black Star" by Eliza Lumley (Bones (Original Television Soundtrack))_


	24. Chapter 23: Bubbly

**_A/N: This chapter is dedicated in loving memory to my beloved cat, Howler, who passed from this world into the next January 27th, 2009. Rest in peace, little buddy. I love you and I miss you._**

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 23: Bubbly

_I've been awake for awhile now_

_You've got me feelin' like a child now_

'_Cause every time I see your bubbly face_

_I get the tinglies in a silly place_

_It starts in my toes_

_Makes me crinkle my nose_

_Wherever it goes, I always know_

_That you make me smile even just for awhile_

_Holding me tight_

_Wherever you go_

_The rain is fallin' on my window pane_

_But you and I are hiding in a safer place_

_Under the covers stayin' dry and warm_

_You give me feelings that I adore_

_They start in my toes_

_Make me crinkle my nose_

_Wherever it goes, I always know_

_That you make me smile even just for awhile_

_Holding me tight_

_Wherever you go_

_I've been asleep for awhile now_

_You tucked me in just like a child now_

'_Cause every time you hold me in your arms_

_I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth_

_It starts in my soul and I lose all control_

_When you kiss my nose_

_The feelings show_

'_Cause you make me smile even just for awhile_

_Holding me tight_

_Wherever you go_

"Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat (_Coco_)

Xander woke up Sunday morning in a sense of peace. There was a bubble inside his room that he knew didn't extend beyond it. His alarm clock was blaring, urging him to wake up for church. He absently flicked it off, laying back on his bed. The _claddagh_ was an unusual weight on his finger, and he raised it up to stare at it in wonder.

_Wear the heart pointing towards you to show that you belong to someone_, Xander thought with a sort of dizzy glee. Last night had been…beyond incredible. Magical, unreal, ethereal; the memories were flitting through his mind like fairy dust, unreliable. Had it really happened? Of course the ring implicated that it had, but he seemed to remember floating down to Angel on a cloud of apple blossoms.

Xander grinned like a fool and buried his face in his hands. _Angel's strong, large hands holding him close, protective and possessive as they danced slowly to one of Xander's favorite songs, Angel's lips capturing Xander's in an eternal kiss, Angel's ring on Xander's finger matching the one on Angel's finger…_ This was love, he thought appreciatively. Not the pain or the lust or the dizzy kissing. Love was waking up in the morning and _knowing_ that your heart is beating with life, impossible memories and warm fuzzies shooting through your toes.

Love was the way that Angel had held him last night, like he was something precious and they were each other's anchors to a world spinning into Heaven. Love was the way the moon shown down on the desert, highlighting them in radiant beauty as they exchanged words of love, unhurried by lust or hormones. Love was the way that Xander felt Angel fit a piece of his heart that was made especially for him, like God had designed it that way and they'd just been waiting to meet each other their whole lives.

Then, of course, Xander farted, ruining the moment, and laughed so hard he almost rolled out of bed. "Xander, are you okay in there?" his mom called as she passed by in the hallway.

"Fine, mom," Xander yelled back.

"Well, get up! Sunday pancakes," she said enticingly.

Xander jumped out of bed and flipped the stereo off, realizing with a start that he was still in the tuxedo. He smiled to himself as he smoothed out the wrinkles. He looked pretty good, he thought, checking himself out in the mirror. He stripped it off and carefully folded it out of sight in the bottom of his dresser, putting a few shirts on top of it. He kept the ring on.

Tossing on some night pants and an undershirt, Xander bounded down the stairs, full of energy. His father gave him a vaguely disapproving look before looking back into his sermon notes.

"Xander…are you okay?" his mother asked from the stove. "You look…_different_."

Was it noticeable, his love out for the world to see? Xander hid a smile and drank some milk. "Fine, mom," he said. "Just in a good mood." She smiled a tad uncertainly and went back to flipping pancakes. His mother's culinary skills were actually rather poor compared to other stay-at-home moms, but nothing compared to Jessica Harris's Sunday morning flapjacks.

Xander licked his lips and reached for the syrup.

***

The topic of that day's sermon was the return of Jesus. For such a revelatory (_punnage!_ Xander thought with a snarky grin) lesson, there was a surprisingly less amount of teenagers in church today than there normally were. Xander shrugged and chalked it off to after-Prom letdown. As Tony stood up at the lectern and thundered on in his best gloom and doom voice, Xander's mind wandered away from hell and apocalypses, away from the hot church and off to a cool desert night.

When the sermon ended, Xander said "Amen" along with everyone else and looked for the Summers women. Joyce was here like always, helping with the choir, but he didn't see Buffy. Joyce mimed talking at him and mouthed 'Buffy' from the top, so Xander figured there was news. He gave her the thumbs up and went off to help with the luncheon that the church pantry provided.

Joyce caught up with him and pulled him aside as they loaded up plates. "Spike wanted me to give you this," she said, furtively slipping him an envelope. "I feel like a teenager again!" she said with an exultant smile. Xander chuckled as she went to go find Jessica. His father was staring at him suspiciously. Xander offered him a bland smile and went on making his mashed potatoes go swimming in gravy.

***

That night Xander sat alone in his room and read the letter, his trembling fingers tracing over Angel's script.

_Xander,_

_I'm sorry that I can't talk to you in person but I'm going to be unavailable for a week or so, so I wanted to tell you this. Last night was…incredible. You are amazing, and I meant what I said. I love you, Xander, no matter what. But I do have some things I need to take care of – I have exams in college and a lot of catching up to do in some of the classes that I've missed this last little while. So I won't be able to see you again until next weekend. I'll count down the days, hours, even the minutes._

_I love you._

_Your Angel._

_His_ Angel, Xander thought, marveled. _His_. He smiled and carefully refolded the paper and put it back in its envelope. The envelope he tucked in next to his tuxedo, next to the red rose that Angel had given him. The rose was already making his dresser drawer smell, and Xander smiled at the memory.

_I'll count down the days, hours, even the minutes_, Angel had written.

"Me too…my Angel," Xander said quietly, and shut the drawer.

***

_And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse_

_Chop another line like a coda with a curse_

_Come on like a freak show takes the stage_

_We give them the games we play_

_She said_

_I want something else_

_To get me through this_

_Semi-charmed kind of life_

_Baby, baby_

_I want something else_

_I'm not listening when you say_

_Goodbye_

Prom had been wild, according to the Sunnydale High campus. It had been fun, unexpected, and one of the best nights of their lives. Xander accepted a dozen apologies that he hadn't been able to make it (funny how one night had changed everything from him being in the loony fringe back to the golden boy of SHS), but somehow, stacked up to _his_ Prom night, he wasn't too disappointed that he hadn't gone.

Apparently, somehow, word had trickled out about exactly _why_ Xander was falling to pieces with his parents (the gay thing wasn't circling, but all of his old friends were stunned to find that he was basically a prisoner in his own home because of his future plans). Tara was back to being the pitied girl, Willow was back to the hippie/nerd chick, and Buffy, thanks to Cordelia's landslide win as Prom Queen, was back in everyone's good graces as the beautiful cool girl of Sunnydale High.

Spike had set up the DJ booth with a continuous playlist on the computer, so there hadn't needed to be a DJ. Instead, Spike had shown up in a tux with Buffy on his arm, which by itself would have launched Buffy back up into the social stratosphere – had Spike not gotten onstage in the middle of the stage and sang a song he dedicated to Buffy and wrote for her, which was his surprise that he'd told Xander about. According to Willow, it was likely the sappiest punk rock song she'd ever heard, and the crowd had gone completely nuts.

"I felt like a princess," Buffy said, smiling in that way that let you know she was truly smitten. "It was the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me."

Cordelia had shown up in a designer gown that had Harmony and the Cordettes drooling like that clones that they were, and she had shown up stag, choosing to dance with any boy brave enough to ask her for a dance. When the time came to announce King and Queen, Cordelia accepted her crown with grace. She shared the title with Devon MacLeish, a boy that she'd dated for a few years. Devon fronted Sunnydale's hit rock band Dingoes Ate My Baby.

The real shocker of the evening came when the Yearbook Staff arrived onstage to announce the senior awards. Little Jonathan Levin, shaking from head to foot, announced that the polls had been anonymously sent out to over ¾ of the senior class, so the winners were decided by vast majority. He was booed offstage until Oz, Devon's lead guitarist, took pity and got up to present the awards, including best couple – which went to Willow Rosenberg and Tara McClay, Sunnydale High's first ever lesbian couple.

Tara had apparently gone as red as a cherry tomato but Willow stunned everyone when she burst into tears and accepted the sash. They both got pink sashes and a bouquet of roses a piece.

"I wish I'd been there to see that," Xander said in wonder. "And people were applauding?"

"All _over_ the place. It was a big lesbian lovefest," Cordelia said with zest. "Of course, you had the usual jocks who were trying to get them to make out on stage, but no one really pays attention to them anymore."

"I can't believe that _this_ school in _this_ town actually got open enough to _do_ that," Xander said with a big grin.

"Oh, Xander," Cordelia said exasperatedly. "You just don't get it, do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"It's _you_ that's changing things," she said, speaking as if a teacher to a student who wasn't getting a very simple math problem. "No one ever used to stand up to your dad. These people only knew what their parents knew, which is what _their_ parents knew. Nothing's changed in this town in a hundred years. _You're_ the one that was friends with everyone no matter who they are and told people that no matter what anyone else told them about God they _mattered_ and they weren't sick or sinners just because of how they were born. Sunnydale's heading away from small town Baptist."

They were _all_ grinning at him, Cordelia, Willow, Tara, Buffy, and Giles. Xander told himself that it was dust that was making his eyes water, but his heart swelled with warmth all the same.

_I believe in the sand beneath my toes_

_The beach gives a feeling; an earthy feeling_

_I believe in the faith that grows_

_And the four right chords can make me cry_

_When I'm with you I feel like I could die_

_And that would be alright, alright_

_I want something else_

_To get me through this_

_Semi-charmed kind of life_

_Baby, baby_

_I want something else_

_I'm not listening when you say_

_Goodbye_

***

_I dig my toes into the sand_

_The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds_

_Strewn across a blue blanket_

_I lean against the wind_

_Pretend that I am weightless_

_And in this moment I am happy_

_Happy_

_I wish you were here_

_I wish you were here_

_I wish you were here_

_I wish you were here_

Time went on, strangely enough. Everything had changed and yet time marched on, just like it always did. Things returned to normal on Sunnydale High campus – or as normal as they ever were – and the end of school was approaching in a sort of daze. With only two and a half months left till Graduation Day, kids were suddenly starting to realize that high school really was almost _over_.

The strange little microcosm that school had created for them was peeling away, layer by layer. Suddenly everyone in senior class was everyone else's best friend. Harmony was brownnosing and schmoozing her way along the hallways, calling Willow's hippie outfits "interesting" and complimenting Buffy's hair. According to Cordelia's scathing opinion, Harmony was terrified of the world outside her father's credit cards and was trying to make best friends with everyone so she could have a support system when high school ended.

There was a new tension in the Harris home. Tony and Jessica had heard about Willow and Tara's win and the applause at the high school and were trying to call a parents' meeting at the church to discuss the problems with Sunnydale's youth and how to call them 'back to God and true values.' The truth was, the group of parents didn't have any idea what to do. Change is hard, and it's even harder to accept.

In a strange sort of way, Xander had come to a sort of peace with his future. Maybe he could find God's help to make something _good_ come out of what seemed to be a nightmare. Maybe he _could_ take over the church – and run it the way _he_ wanted to. Cordy and the others seemed to think that his Wednesday night church groups had made a difference; what if becoming a preacher was what he was truly called to do?

Sure, there were other things that he _wanted_ to do. But if he was truly _needed_ here, could he in good conscience continue to deny what his parents wanted? But, on the other hand, humans are only given one life to live before the Afterlife, whatever that held. Wasn't choice God's greatest gift to mankind? Shouldn't he be free, as all humans were meant to be, to make his own life and his own mistakes?

He had advice from two very different people.

Spike said over donuts and black coffee one morning: "Xander, you have to do what you want to do. You have one life and it's up to you to live the _hell_ out of it because you're not gonna get another chance. Take it from someone who knows – life's too big to let someone else live it for you."

Giles said over exam study material and tea one afternoon: "Xander, no one can make this choice for you. As you've pointed out, there are pros and cons to each situation. But even the decision to let your parents continue to make your decisions is a choice that you make. In the end, you have to do what your heart tells you to do."

His heart? In a purely selfish sense, Xander knew that his heart belonged to Angel. The thought of choosing to move thousands of miles away from Angel to pursue his parents' choices in life wasn't a choice at all. But in an unselfish capacity, Xander knew that he couldn't allow his love life to sway his final decision.

"I feel like I'm getting split in two," Xander said in frustration to Buffy one morning. "It's like there are two Xanders and I have to figure out which one I don't like."

"Xander – you have to make a choice," she said firmly. "None of us can help you with this. It has to come from _you_."

"Tell me something everybody else isn't telling me," he joked weakly.

"Well, you know that _I_ give excellent advice," she said with a winning smile.

The only thing that Xander _was_ sure of was that he missed Angel fiercely. He wanted to talk to him, to share the decision with him. He wanted to see how Angel's exams went and he wanted…damn it, he just wanted to _see_ Angel, hear his voice, speak his name, go back to the dating thing they'd been going at.

He wanted to know that it wasn't all just a dream.

_I lay my head onto the sand_

_The sky resembles a back-lit canopy_

_With holes punched in it_

_I'm counting UFOs_

_I signal them with my lighter_

_And in this moment I am happy_

_Happy_

Angel was right on time, as it turned out. Saturday night he showed up outside Xander's window. Xander's parents were downstairs. Xander leaned out frantically. "I can't come out tonight!" he called softly.

"Sorry," Angel said with a grin. "I had to see you."

"How'd you do on your exams?" Xander asked, blushing.

"You are now looking at a community college graduate," Angel said proudly.

"That's great!" Xander said happily.

"Yeah – listen, can I come by tomorrow night? Later?" Angel called up.

"I'll see," Xander said. He heard footsteps on the stairs. "Gotta go!"

"Xander!" Angel called out.

"What?" Xander asked, nervously listening.

"I love you," Angel whispered, just loud enough for Xander to hear.

"I love you too," Xander said. Angel grinned hugely and then turned and headed out to his car. He turned back before he pulled away and waved his ring-bearing hand, showing Xander that he was still wearing his claddagh. Xander grinned and shyly showed his. Angel smiled and pulled away, the car quickly swallowed by the darkness.

"Xander, were you talking to someone?" his mother asked, poking her head in suspiciously.

"Um, no, just…sounding out a math problem," he said lamely, gesturing towards his desk and citing the first book that he saw there. She raised an eyebrow and he gave her his best winning 'who me?' smile.

"Well, it's about bedtime. Church tomorrow," she said softly.

"Yeah, mom," he said nervously. She was still staring at him, sizing him up like she could tell exactly where his mind was and didn't much like it. "Um…goodnight," he said, and shut the window.

"Goodnight," she said slowly. Casting one last look over his room, she turned and softly shut the door behind her. Xander let out a breath he wasn't aware that he had been holding. He didn't like the look in her eyes – it was like she _knew_ that he was…changed, even though he looked the same.

Xander slept troubled dreams that night.

***

_There is nothing that competes with habit_

_And I know it's neither deep nor tragic_

_It's simply that you have to have it_

_So you can make a killing_

The next two weeks were golden. April slid into May seamlessly, the sun burning hotter and hotter with each day. Buffy and Spike were officially dating, and she seemed happier than ever.

"Well, he's _so_ romantic, but he's just enough of an asshole that I don't feel _smothered_ by it," she said over lunch one day. "There are times when I want to be with him and times that I want him to leave me alone, and he does. When we are together, sometimes we'll do something romantic and other times we'll just _hang_ and listen to music and watch TV."

"Me and Tara are applying for our first business loans next week," Willow said somewhat nervously. "I've been reading all kinds of business books to make sure that we get what we need."

"I keep telling you it's going to be fine," Tara said with an indulgent smile. "We know what we're doing, sweetie; and besides, you're too smart to get swindled."

"So, Xander, is the jail sentence over once Graduation Day hits?" Cordelia asked.

"I have high hopes," Xander said lightly.

"Good, because we're planning a beach bash, and you should show," she said, picking through her food. "I swear to God, this school food is trying to kill us."

"I _always_ maintained that lunch lady looked homicidal whenever you asked for a bigger portion," Buffy said with a shudder.

_I wish that I was both young and stupid_

_Then I too could have the fun that you did_

_Till it was time to pony up what you bid_

_So you could make a killing_

Exams, of course, were adding on to everyone's stress.

"Did you hear that we had an old principle named Flutie who used to let seniors have exam exemptions?" Buffy demanded as they gathered in the Library for a study group one lunch period.

"Hear? Buffy, we were _here_ when Snyder moved here," Cordelia said. "I remember that guy – he was a total pushover. We all loved him. Exam exemptions were one of the first things that the Rat killed."

"That must have been so depressing," Buffy said sadly. "Knowing they were there and then watching them flit away."

"I think exam exemptions are a cop out," Giles said irritably as he handed Willow a statistics book she'd asked for.

"Yeah, I heard you and Ms. Calendar were fighting," Xander said sympathetically.

"Are there _no_ secrets on anyone's personal life in this school?" Giles asked exasperatedly.

"Giles, the _only_ secret in this school is that Xander's a fruit, and even _that's_ started to spread around the rumor mill," Willow said absently as she flipped pages.

"It has?" Xander asked in a panic.

"Well, there _were_ one or two people who saw you playing tonsil hockey with Spike that one time," Cordelia said. "And when Larry came out of the closet last month and Willow and Tara won best couple, people are spreading rumors."

"What's happened to Larry?" Tara asked. "I heard that some of the football players were giving him a hard time."

"Well, seeing as how he's the _best_ QB that this sad little school has had in _years_, they're not being so bad. But he's moving out right after graduation because his parents are being so horrible to him," Cordelia reported.

"That makes me so _angry_," Buffy said, viciously dotting her i's. "I mean, honestly, what a stupid thing to get angry about! At least he isn't doing drugs or getting people pregnant or beating the hell out of people all over town like the rest of the jocks!"

"You can't change your beliefs overnight," Xander said glumly. "People are used to one thing, and changing a belief is something that people die for. Maybe one day it'll be better, but…"

"Tell me about it," Cordelia muttered, a shadow crossing over her face, but she never elaborated, and by the end of lunch Xander realized he'd forgot to ask her.

_I could follow you and search the rubble_

_Or stay right here and save myself the trouble_

_Or try to keep myself from seeing double_

_Or I could make a killing_

***

_Drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this_

_I just need a compass, and a willing accomplice_

_All my doubts that fill my head as skimming up and down again_

_Up and down and round again, down and up and round again_

"So, what does a college grad do?" Xander asked as they sat on the hood of Angel's car. A bag of McDonald's sat in between them as they held hands. The moon was starting to wax again, bright and shining in the sky. They were parked on an overpass up in Breaker's Woods, overlooking Sunnydale. It was 1:15 in the morning.

"Well, I've been getting by fairly well on my artwork, but I've been thinking of going from community college to a four-year," Angel said. "There's all sorts of practical artwork stuff, like designing and architecture, that I could go into. Career wise."

"Ah, the man with the plan," Xander commented lightly.

"Speaking of future plans," Angel said, turning to lay on his side as he looked at Xander. Xander didn't want to see the seriousness in Angel's deep, penetrating eyes, so instead he looked at the stars as they shone down through the green trees. "Xander, talk to me," Angel persisted, stroking the back of Xander's hand.

"Liberty University, four-year. I have my choice of mission work or starting as an assistant pastor for a while before I take over the Church of Sunnydale," he said, his voice lifeless.

_Oh, I've had my chances and I've taken them all_

_Just to end up right back here on the floor_

_To end up right back here on the floor_

_Pennies in a well_

_A million dollars in the fountain of a hotel_

_Fortune teller that says "Maybe you will go to Hell"_

_But I'm not scared at all_

_Of the cracks in the crystal_

_The cracks in the crystal ball_

"You _can't_ let them do this to you, Xan," Angel said fiercely.

"They're my parents," Xander said, the excuse sounding lame even to him. He took a nervous draught of Dr. Pepper.

"So they're never _wrong_?" Angel demanded. "Xander, it's _your_ life! You have to stand up to them!"

"Why should I? Maybe they're right!" Xander said, starting to get angry. He drew his hand away from Angel's.

"What do you mean?" Angel asked, bewildered.

"Angel – the Church is all I _know_," Xander said desperately. He was surprised at the raw _need_ that was pouring through his voice, but it felt like a vice was closing over his heart. He slid off the hood of the car. "I know it doesn't seem like much to you, but I can't do anything else! I don't know _any_ science, not enough to impress a college, and my math skills are enough to…I can't do anything else."

"Don't you say that!" Angel said, sounding scared. He grabbed Xander's shoulders and forced him to face him. "You have so many gifts, Xander. Don't you talk about yourself like that, don't you _dare_." The intensity on Angel's face was making Xander tremble.

"It doesn't have to be bad, Angel," Xander said, but he wasn't sure anymore if he was trying to convince Angel or himself. "I can help people, I can change this stupid little town with it's stubborn, narrow-minded people. I can!"

"Yes, you _can_," Angel said angrily. "But it should be by _your own_ choice, Xander, not your parents'!"

"What do you expect me to do?" Xander yelled, jerking away from him. "Tell them the truth? Tell them I'm running off with _you_? Get disowned from my family, go to…God!" He was sobbing without tears, shaking without fears, the moon looking cold and angry as a werewolf's eye.

_Sometimes you think everything is wrapped inside a diamond ring_

_Love just needs a witness, and a little forgiveness_

_And a halo of patience, and a less sporadic pace, and_

_I'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes_

"Xander…" Angel said, unsure.

"Angel, I love you more than anything," Xander whispered. "It scares me sometimes, how close I am to you. But please don't ask me to choose between you and my parents. Please. _Please_."

"Oh, baby," Angel whispered. He drew Xander back to him, resting his face on Xander's shoulder, pressing comforting kisses to Xander's cheek. "I'll never ask you to do that. Not for me."

_Oh, I've held that fire and I've_

_I've been burned_

_But I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned_

_I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned_

_Pennies in a well_

_A million dollars in the fountain of a hotel_

_Fortune teller who says "Maybe you will go to Hell"_

_But I'm not scared at all_

_Of the cracks in the crystal_

_The cracks in the crystal ball_

"I don't know anything anymore, Angel," Xander continued, leaning back into him, mutely asking for comfort. "I don't know who I am or what my life is going to hold. It's like I had this image of _me_ in my mind and the picture frame's been shattered."

"So pick up the pieces," Angel said. "And make a new picture."

"You make it sound so _simple_," Xander scoffed. Angel just held him closer.

"Of course it's not simple. I've had to do it before. It hurts like hell and it can make you hate yourself more than you ever thought you could hate anyone in this life. But you've got to do it."

"Who told you that?" Xander asked.

"You taught me that, Xander. You helped me find the first piece to start trying," Angel said simply.

_Irony_

_Irony_

_This hate and love_

_Hate and love_

_What it does to me_

_What it's done to me_

_What is done_

_Done_

Xander turned around and caught him in a fierce, desperate kiss. Angel kissed him back slowly, but Xander was grinding into him, nipping, biting, desperately trying to get them closer.

"I love you, Angel," Xander murmured against his lips. "I _do_."

"I know, Xan—" Angel started, but Xander shut him up with his mouth, shoving him back against the car. Angel seemed reticent with his kisses and Xander's hands moved to Angel's belt. "Xander, stop," Angel said, but Xander was trying so hard, nearly sobbing with frustration, fumbling with the belt buckle.

"_Stop_," Angel said forcefully, pushing him back. Xander went in on himself with shame as Angel gently drew him into a hug. "Xander, baby, I _know_ you love me, damn it! I love you too, just as much, just as strong. You don't have to _prove_ it to me like that," Angel whispered, his voice betraying his trembling emotions. Xander felt like scum.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "Look, let's just go home, okay?"

"Xander, I want you," Angel said bluntly. Xander blushed furiously, wondering at what he'd heard. "I want you more than anyone. I want to take you to bed and not let you leave for days," Angel continued unashamedly, his eyes hot and fierce on Xander's. "But when we're together, it's going to be special. It's not gonna be in the backseat of my car in the woods."

"You've never called me baby before," Xander pointed out with a wobbly smile, trying to ignore both the whooping joy in his heart and the tightening in his groin.

"Well, you're my baby," Angel said, holding Xander's hand. "You're mine, and I'm yours."

"Yeah," Xander agreed. Their rings touched, a pact sealed underneath the light of the moon.

_Pennies in a well_

_A million dollars in the fountain of a hotel_

_Broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare_

_Walk under ladders on my way to Hell—_

_I'll meet you there_

_But I'm not scared at all_

_No, I'm not scared at all_

The ride home was quiet, and they still hadn't said anything by the time they'd pulled in to the street over from Xander's.

"Xander, I'm sorry that I—"

"You don't have to apologize, Angel," Xander said quietly. "I know you're right. But I don't really know what to do about it. I don't have a clue what's going to happen. All I want to do at this point is make it to Graduation Day alive."

"Well, I'll let you figure it out. Just remember that no matter what, you know where I am," Angel said softly, raising Xander's hand to his mouth and kissing it gently. Angel's stubble scraped across Xander's knuckles, sending fire through Xander's overheated body.

"I love you," Xander said again. The three words sounded so dull and ineffectual at describing what was going on in his head and his heart.

"I know the feeling," Angel said, his eyes saying more. Xander gently disengaged and got out of the car. "I'll see you next week, okay?"

"Yeah," Xander agreed.

It was only after he'd woken up the next morning that Xander realized he hadn't even bothered to lock his door that night when he'd left.

_Of the cracks in the crystal_

_The cracks in the crystal ball_

***

Xander woke up in the morning to rain tapping softly on his window. He stared glumly out at the wet, muddy world. Sighing, he finally got out of bed and smashed the OFF button on his alarm clock, contemplating throwing the thing at the wall. Quelling the violent urge, he went off to the bathroom.

When he went down to grab his raincoat, his mother was sitting at the kitchen table. This in itself wouldn't be alarming. What was the horrible, heartbreaking, _wrong_ thing with the picture was the bottle of Southern Comfort on the table that his mother was staring at, as if trying to divine meeting in the amber liquid.

"Mom?" he asked hesitantly, hearing the fear in his voice. She looked up slowly, tear marks on her face. Jessica looked like she'd aged a lifetime, worn and tired and small. She wasn't drunk, at least; there was still too much alcohol left in the bottle and there was only one shot glass in front of her.

"Alexander," she said, as if seeing him for the first time in her life. There was something awful about that look, a shattered sort of feeling to it. Xander realized that she looked broken, as if some awful thing had happened that had just…drained the life out of her, worse than a vampire's kiss.

"Mom…what…what's wrong?" he asked softly. She chuckled humorlessly, a dark echo of the rain dripping onto the roof.

"You should go to school, honey," she said softly, staring back at the alcohol. There was the most curious look of hatred and fear and want on her face, staring at the substance.

"Alright," Xander said slowly. He felt like he was in a dream, a horrible negative of his life. This was not his kitchen, and this was not his mother. It was like walking through slow-motion.

"It's Angel, isn't it?" she asked suddenly, her eyes piercing and accusing.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his voice shaking, but he didn't need to ask her what she meant. He already knew.

"That young man that came to our house that day. It's _Angel_, isn't it?"

"Ma…" Xander whispered. But the look in his eyes at the mention of his name was enough for both of them.

"Just go to school, please," she muttered, and took a long, burning sip of alcohol. Tears burning the corners of his eyes, Xander turned and left without a backwards glance.

_It doesn't matter what I want_

_It doesn't matter what I need_

_It doesn't matter if I cry_

_Don't matter if I plead_

_You've been on a road_

_Don't know where it goes or where it leads_

He arrived at school in a sort of haze. Nothing had meaning anymore, everything was dissolving in the rain. It wasn't a clean rain, it was a hateful, cold rain, the last vestige of a bitter winter determined to chill the summer sun. He wandered toward first period when Cordelia slunk up behind him in the hallway and pulled him into the empty Library.

She had been sobbing, he realized; her mascara was shakily applied and her makeup was running down her face. She looked afraid, harassed, angry, sad, and utterly nothing like the Cordelia he knew.

"Cordy, what's wrong?" he asked urgently.

"Xander…it's all gone," she whispered. They were up in the stacks in the event that they be disturbed. Xander could tell that he wasn't ready to have this conversation, had his own issues that he really needed to sort out. But Cordelia was his friend, and he had to help her if he could.

"What do you mean?" he asked hesitantly.

"Turns out the company that daddy inherited wasn't quite what we thought it was," she said with a bitter laugh. "Dead in the water, as they say in business terms. Daddy saved the day! Turned out he saved it by making a little mistake on his taxes – for the last twenty-two years."

Xander gasped, suddenly catching on. "The bank?"

"Took everything. The money, the house, the cars, virtually everything but the clothes off our backs. The company's been shut down and dad's got enough off the liquidation and stock sales to last him through the year, but he'll never make it back to what he was," she summed up tonelessly.

"Oh, God, Cor," Xander whispered.

"Yeah. Bitch Queen gets hers, huh?" she said bitterly.

"This isn't your fault," Xander said firmly. "Don't blame yourself."

"Yeah, that's what my mom said before she took what was left in the joint accounts and filed for divorce. She's in Aspen right now with her family. The only reason the bank let me keep my college fund is because that money's entirely legal, so I've been kicked out of the school I got accepted to and now I have to go to UC Sunnydale and figure out what the hell I'm going to do from there!" Her voice rose in near hysterics.

"You'll figure it out," Xander said, lamely, he thought. "You always do."

"I've never been _poor_ before," she said, fear slipping into her voice. "I don't know how to _survive_ in the world. It's always just been _there_ for me."

"Hey, I'm not so bad," Xander joked lamely. "And it's not like the preacher family salary leads to designer clothes shopping."

"Obviously," she said with a weak, watery smile, pointing at his clothes.

"Cordelia," he said, gently holding her hand. "You're a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman and you're going to get through this."

"You're really an amazing guy, you know that Xander?" she said with a sort of bittersweet light in her eye.

"Well, you kno—mmph!"

Cordelia had leaned forward and she was _kissing_ him, her hands wrapped around his back. She was so small and fragile, so totally feminine in his arms, her large, firm breasts pressing against his chest, her soft, girlish lips gently moving with his…and doing nothing for him. There was no attraction in him, no response in his body.

_It doesn't matter what I want_

_It doesn't matter what I need_

_If you've made up your mind to go_

_I won't beg you to stay_

_You've been in a cage_

_Throw you to the wind, you fly away_

To his credit, and later shame, he really tried. He kissed her back, he really did. Maybe it was his mother's words that morning, his father's homophobia, the assault on Tara that day in the hallways, the emotional rollercoaster he'd rode ever since he'd met Angel. Maybe he just thought that he could make himself be attracted to someone. Cordelia was by all standards a beautiful woman. Her nipples were stiff through her shirt, he could feel them against his chest.

But there was nothing, no matter how hard he tried.

She pulled back after a moment, that strange, bittersweet look of total truth on her face. He was flushing in shame and moisture was gathering in his eyes. She just smiled that special Cordy smile that they shared because they were really best friends, the one that she never gave anyone else. She gently reached her hand out and traced his cheek.

"Funny, isn't it?" she said with a watery chuckle. "I could still have any guy in school and the one guy I really do fall in love with…is in love with another man."

"Cordy," he whimpered, his voice breaking. She just shook her head and kissed him on the cheek, her Queen of Sunnydale mask firmly back in place as she walked past him leaving a trail of rose oil in her wake.

Shuddering, he slid along a bookshelf till he hit the floor and stayed there for a long, long time.

_It doesn't matter what I want_

_It doesn't matter what I need_

_It doesn't matter if I cry_

_Doesn't matter if I plead_

_Feel the sting of tears_

_Falling on this face you've loved for years._

***

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_Bubbly by Colbie Caillat (Coco)_

_Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind (Third Eye Blind)_

_I Wish You Were Here by Incubus (Morning View)_

_You Could Make a Killing by Aimee Mann (Cruel Intentions [Original Motion Picture Soundtrack])_

_Crystal Ball by Pink (Funhouse)_

_It Doesn't Matter by Alison Krauss & Union Station (Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album)_


	25. Chapter 24: Smells Like Teen Spirit

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 24: Smells Like Teen Spirit

_Load up on guns_

_And bring your friends_

_It's fun to lose_

_And to pretend_

_She's over bored_

_And self-assured_

_Oh, no, I know a dirty word_

_Hello, hello, hello, hello_

_Hello, hello, hello, hello_

_With the lights out_

_It's less dangerous_

_Here we are now_

_Entertain us_

_I feel stupid_

_And contagious_

_Here we are now_

_Entertain us_

_A mullato_

_An albino_

_A mosquito_

_My libido_

_Yeah_

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Tori Amos (_Crucify EP_)

The rain had let up, at least outside. Inside it was still as cold and damp. Jessica had stopped drinking, but she still sat, listlessly staring. Xander passed by her without looking. Tony was in the kitchen, staring out at his wife, at his son, at the home that had been broken. Xander could remember when that kitchen was bright and happy, when food was cooking and he was young enough to run around with Willow and not have his parents care.

The house was suffocating, the memories it held oppressive. Xander all but ran up to his bedroom…and stopped dead. The walls had been stripped of all his pictures, the desk had been cleaned off. He ran to his desk drawer and sighed in relief when he saw that the lockbox was still there. His window, however, had been nailed shut, the lock on the door was removed, and the stereo was gone.

Trembling with rage, Xander stalked down the stairs. He felt like punching something, an urge he rarely had. His mother sat like a zombie, a statue of a woman in mourning. He doubted she did it, but even if she did he didn't have the courage to confront her. Instead he headed to the kitchen.

"Where's my stuff?" he demanded.

"It seems that we can't leave you alone for a minute," Tony said nastily, lucidity appearing in his features once more. "You think we're completely stupid? You've been sneaking out of the house!"

"What the hell else do you expect me to do, considering you haven't let me leave for the last, what, three months?!" Xander yelled, his voice rising without him telling it to.

"You have earned every punishment you've brought on yourself!" his father snarled. "Don't you dare take that tone with me!"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot – honor thy father and mother means letting them control your personality, friends, love life, and career," Xander snarled right back. Tony leapt to his feet, absolutely shaking with rage.

"Don't you take the scripture and twist it to your anger, you little snake!"

"You're a _fucking_ hypocrite!" Xander screamed. Tony froze in shock, and Xander realized this was quite possibly the first time he'd ever cursed at his parents. He was shaking, his fists clenched, his knuckles white. He felt close to tears or close to a fight, full of confusion, anger, pain.

"You…go to your room!" Tony ordered, his voice shaking.

"No," Xander said coldly.

"Excuse me?" Tony asked, his voice deathly still.

"I'm out of here," Xander said, and then he was heading for the door.

"Don't you take one step out of this house!"

"I hate you!" Xander yelled furiously. "You're _ruining_ my life!" Tony stopped, shocked, looking like Xander had just punched him in the face, but Xander didn't have time to care. Instead he just walked outside and slammed the door behind him. He hit the streets running, his footsteps matching his frenetic heartbeat.

Shaking with emotion, he finally stopped and dry heaved in a side street. His stomach hurt and his heart felt like a fist was squeezing the blood out of it, pump by pump.

Where the hell was he going to go?

***

The hotel was small and kind of seedy, and Xander stopped outside its door. But he'd already come all the way here, and there was really nowhere else he could think to go. No one he really wanted to talk to. The manager hadn't bothered trying to hide his client's privacy, so Xander got the room number right away.

At 56, he stopped and knocked on the door.

"One second," he called, and then the door opened and Larry was standing there. "Harris?" he asked, confused.

"Um…hi, Larry," Xander said weakly.

"Are you okay, dude? You look like shit," Larry commented, waving him in.

"I just had a fight with my parents," Xander said, stepping inside. One room, one bed, dirty carpet. There were clothes in the sink and Larry smelled like he'd just taken a shower. Xander stood nervously, unsure where to go here.

"Jeeze, man, are you okay?" Larry asked. There was concern in his gruff voice, and Xander almost started sobbing as he realized that big gay Larry was still big football player Larry and there wasn't really a difference between the two.

"No, not really," he said instead.

"Well, do you want anything? I've got some food and water in the mini-fridge," Larry said with a self-deprecating smile. Maybe it was the fragility lurking in those eyes that had once been narrowed meanly as they insulted him, maybe the similarities in their situation. But once it was out, it was out.

"How did you do it, Larry? How did you come out to your parents?" Xander blurted.

"Why—_OH!_" Larry said, staring at Xander in shock. "Oh!"

"Yeah, oh," Xander said with a weak smile.

"God, man," Larry said. Before Xander could say anything he had been pulled into a giant bear hug. Larry was big and muscular enough for Xander to feel almost as safe and protected as he always felt around Angel. It was enough comfort for now. Xander's knees went weak and he shook with aftershock as Larry just held him through it.

"Thanks," he muttered after a while. Pulling back, Xander sat down on the end of the bed.

"How long have you known?" Larry asked, sitting beside him.

"Since last year," Xander said. "But I think I knew before that, I just didn't really let myself know."

"I know what you mean," Larry said, putting his arm around Xander's shoulders. "I tried so hard to chase girls – I mean, you know me. But when I went out for football…yeah, I love the sport, but that was when I really started popping wood in shower time, you know what I mean?"

"Did you freak out?" Xander asked curiously.

"Big time. I thought that I was sick, you know? I was afraid that the other guys would…well, you know," Larry said awkwardly.

"I haven't talked to anyone but my friends about it," Xander said.

"I can imagine," Larry said sympathetically. "I mean, with your parents…"

"Yeah," Xander muttered, his voice hoarse.

"So what did you fight about?"

"I came home and they took everything out of my room…it just set me off. It's been a really crazy day," Xander said with a hysterical laugh.

"I'm sorry," Larry said softly. Larry's hands were large and warm on Xander's shoulder and Xander sunk, exhausted, into the football player's embrace. Larry's chapped lips softly rested on Xander's forehead, and Xander wondered at the warm bolt it sent through him. This wasn't like with Angel, more a comfortable sort of feeling that could turn into…what?

Comfort, maybe? Was that why he was letting Larry's lips go lower, hesitantly resting on Xander's brow? Xander looked up at Larry's warm green eyes and sighed.

"Larry…I can't do…" Xander said awkwardly, wondering what to say.

"Don't worry about it," Larry said with a slight smile. Licking his lip's nervously, the quarterback leaned in and then his rough lips were on Xander's. For one small, unforgivable moment Xander kissed him back, that slow, comfortable warmth rolling through him. This wasn't like with Cordelia; this was attraction, lusty and unsure. It also wasn't like with Angel – that was deeper, that was love.

"Angel," Xander muttered, pulling back.

"Sorry," Larry said, blushing.

"It's not your fault," Xander promised. "Thanks."

"You have a boyfriend?" Larry guessed.

"More," Xander said simply.

"I'm happy for you," Larry said, sounding genuine.

"I'm sorry, too," Xander said.

"Nah, man. Nothing happened," Larry said firmly.

"Thanks."

"You wanna call him?" Larry asked. "Got some phone service hooked up for now."

"How are you affording this?" Xander asked curiously.

"I have a job," Larry explained. "I work at Jerry's Store."

"How are things with your parents?" Xander asked, determined to keep things light.

"They're…actually getting better. My mom's family isn't from around her, and they're talking with my folks. I'm thinkin' that maybe it might turn out okay," Larry said hopefully.

"I think they will," Xander said firmly, squeezing Larry's hairier hand.

"This coming from church boy?" Larry challenged.

"From _gay_ church boy," Xander corrected with a grin. Larry guffawed roughly, manly football player's way of saying _Thanks for the joke man, yeah, everything's okay._ "Can I use that phone?"

"Sure, man. Dial nine to call out of the hotel."

***

"I kissed Larry," Xander confessed to Angel over Chinese food that night.

"What?" Angel asked with an odd sort of grin. They were sitting in the living room of Angel's apartment at the coffee table, parked on the floor next to each other. It was quiet and cozy, the light coming in from the windows and the stove light from the kitchen. The half-light made things hazy, like a fairy tale.

"It was a hurt/comfort sort of thing; it didn't really _mean_ anything. I just didn't want to lie to you," Xander said, blushing.

"I know it didn't mean anything," Angel said calmly. "I'm not jealous."

"Sorry," Xander apologized anyway.

"Hey – considering _my_ mistakes, let's not dwell on it, alright?" Angel offered.

"Agreed," Xander said, solemnly shaking Angel's hand. The moment of levity didn't last, though. Xander felt a frown threatening to break through, but Angel just leaned forward.

"But you _did_ kiss him," Angel said, his eyes warm.

"Well—mph!" Xander said as Angel captured his lips. "What is this, kiss Xander day?"

"What do you mean?" Angel asked with an innocent smile.

"Well, Cordelia jumped me earlier," Xander said.

"My, Xan, you _do_ get a lot done in a day," Angel drawled. Xander sighed and explained everything that had happened during the day. "And all the money's gone?" Angel asked. Xander nodded glumly. "That's going to be hard as hell for her to get through."

"Yeah. I sort of felt bad after she…"

"You don't have to, Xander," Angel said. "I'm glad that you called me."

"I wanted to go where I felt safe," Xander explained, blushing. Angel smiled slowly and pulled him into another kiss, slower, deeper. Their heartbeats seemed to move together and flickers of flame slowly spread through Xander's body. The kiss deepened, Angel's tongue slowly moving into Xander's mouth, Xander responding with gusto.

_Here I go again_

_Slipping further away_

_Letting go again_

_Of what keeps me in place_

_I like it here_

_But it scares me to death_

_There is nothing here_

It never ceased to amaze him how easily his body responded to Angel; one minute he'd be fine and the then Angel would touch him and suddenly he was on fire, his groin hot and hard with need. Angel played his body like a maestro, his long, graceful fingers playing archepeggios along Xander's spine that had him shivering with pleasure.

Angel breathed life into Xander's body, his warm breath creating a sort of magic between them as Xander's hesitant fingers tickled along the broadly muscled expanse of Angel's back. Their lips moved in a sort of dance, giving and receiving in equal flow, a rhythm old as time. Xander had never felt so connected to one person before in his life; Angel seemed to anticipate everywhere he wanted his lips and then Angel was gently suckling on Xander's neck right at _that spot_ where Xander moaned loudly.

_The light is beautiful_

_But I'm darker than light_

_And you are wonderful_

_But this moment is mine_

_All of this dust_

_All of this past_

_All of this over and gone and never coming back_

_All of this forgotten_

_But not by me_

Xander was gasping for breath, his lips tingling with the pressure of Angel's caress. His hands twined through Angel's thick dark hair, gripping with intent of half-formed thoughts. Xander felt a sort of inclination, a hallucination and a desire all at once filling his body, connecting him to Angel. He remembered that night when he'd seen Angel wet, nearly all of his naked glory…an inclination, but to what he did not know.

"Xander," Angel panted, his breath coming harsh. "I…"

Xander moved back and nervously unbuttoned the first button of Angel's shirt. Angel stared at him, their eyes meeting, a question asked and answered before Xander was aware of what was happening. Angel kissed him gently, his fingers working, and then Angel was before him, his chest bare and glorious as Xander remembered. Memory provided a hunger and Xander leaned forward and placed his lips at the hollow of Angel's collarbone, leaving a little dark mark as he began to move lower.

"Xan…baby…God," Angel muttered. Xander was curious as to the taste of Angel, sweat and soap and something indefinably _Angel_ that tasted like smoke and leather and honey all at once. Xander laid a string of kisses on that chest, little bite marks as if staking a claim. Angel moaned enthusiastically and, encouraged, Xander laid the flat of his tongue against one of Angel's wine-dark nipples.

Angel pushed him back, his eyes black and hungry as he lifted Xander's shirt over his head. Leaning in, Angel returned the favor, his talented tongue raising Xander's nipples to stiff peaks of sensitivity. Angel blew gently over them, a cool tingling shooting from Xander's nipples to his balls, making him tip his head back and give a choked sort of scream.

Angel smiled with tenderness in his eyes and gently cradled Xander's head, moving in, joining their lips together again, a dance of love and trust between them. Xander wondered if this was what making love felt like, not just sex, because sex was easy, it was fun but then it was over and there was nothing like this, no lowering of barriers and meeting of hearts and souls in unison. With Larry, that heat had been lust, the pleasure of the kiss nothing but sex.

With Angel, it was a union, and Xander felt almost holy, as if they were married.

_I find comfort here_

'_Cause I know what is lost_

_Hope is always fear_

_For the pain it may cost_

_And I have searched for a reason to go on_

_I've tried and I've tried but it's taking me so long_

_I might be better off_

_Closing my eyes_

_And God will come looking for me_

_In time_

The first time that their bare chests met, sensitive skin to sensitive skin, Angel's well-defined muscles to Xander's hardening chest, they both buried their gasps into each other's mouths, a secret language known to only them.

"I love you," Xander whispered into Angel's neck. "I love you so much…"

"Xander, my Xander," Angel murmured. "Love you…"

_All of this dust_

_All of this past_

_All of this over and gone and never coming back_

_All of this forgotten_

_But not by me_

At first, neither of them heard the door open, but when _she_ spoke, it broke them apart like ice.

"Well, isn't this _lovely_?" Drusilla asked, an odd, hinged note in her voice. She looked strange and Xander realized that her usual dramatic flair was missing; Dru was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Her eyes were wide and dark and dangerous. He realized that the danger he was sensing came from the absolute burning hatred in her eyes when she turned her glare on him.

"What the hell are you doing here, Dru?" Angel asked, cautiously moving up to his knees.

"Apparently, he _does_ give out," Drusilla went on, her voice cruel. "Pretty little high-school boy, isn't he?"

"Shut up," Angel snapped, his voice cold and dangerous. "I told you the last time you came here – go _away_. It's done, damn it!"

"Yeah, you bastard, cast me out for your little boy whore!" she screamed, her voice breaking into hysteria. "Five fucking _years_, Angel! My Angel!"

"I'm not your Angel anymore," Angel said, looking away.

"Oh, so you're going to tell yourself that you're _his_ now, just like Spike?" she demanded. "Damn you, you little shit!" She rounded on Xander. "You just have to ruin my life, don't you? Suddenly, _I'm_ sick! Well, fuck you!"

The slap came out of nowhere. Xander didn't even see her _move_, just registered the line of fire across his cheek where it connected. Angel was a blur as he slammed her up against the wall, his face hard and furious.

"Don't you _ever_ fucking touch him! Get the hell out of my apartment!" he roared.

"Oh, daddy, you're hurting me!" she whined in a sultry sort of voice. Cocking her hips at him lewdly, she rubbed herself against him. "That's _good_!"

"God, Dru," Angel whispered, shoving her away from him. "Just…just _leave_, please? Please _leave_." He sounded defeated, broken, bruised, and Xander ashamedly pulled his shirt up to cover his chest.

"I _hate_ you, you son of a bitch!" she screamed, her eyes wide and horrified and furious all at once. She turned her hateful glare upon Xander as if she could kill him with her mind, and sprinted from the apartment like a demon from the face of the Lord.

_All of this dust_

_All of this past_

_All of this over and gone and never coming back_

_All of this forgotten_

_But not by me_

Angel was shaking, trembling; he looked white and sick.

"Angel…" Xander whispered, his voice cracking. He realized that Angel was a laughing, a sort of hysterical sound that made Xander's heart break. He got up and slowly wrapped his arms around Angel's waist, pulling Angel's back into his chest, comforting. He wrapped himself around Angel like a big Xanderblanket, and Angel's head rested on Xander's shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he whispered after an eternity.

"You don't have to be," Xander said. "I'm sorry, too, though."

"Don't let what she said make you…you have nothing to be ashamed of, Xander," Angel said firmly. He sniffed and firmly sat forward. "We love each other, and being attracted to each other is nothing to be ashamed of."

"I mean that I'm sorry that you have to keep dealing with her, when you're so busy dealing with _you_. And then _I_ come over here and fall to pieces—"

"Xander, honey, don't you _dare_ blame yourself for mine or Dru's problems," Angel said angrily. He squeezed Xander's hand. "I'm glad that you came here."

"She came by before?" Xander asked, registering something that he'd said.

"Yeah, last week," Angel said, scrubbing his face with his hand tiredly. "She just…she won't let go. Spike keeps trying to talk to her, and I've been trying to get her to see this therapist that I've been going to once a month, but she just…

"I love her, Xander. I'm not _in_ love with her, but I care about her and I don't want her to hurt anymore," he confessed, his voice small.

"There's nothing to be ashamed of there. You were together for years," Xander said, trying not to give into the whirling emotions in his heart. "Of course you don't want her to hurt."

"You're so good to me," Angel said with a wry smile.

"Well, I'm hoping to crash on your sofa," Xander cracked with a winning smile.

"No, you're taking the bed," Angel said seriously.

"Angel…I'm not ready…I—" Xander began, panicked, but Angel chuckled and silenced him with a quick kiss.

"I meant that _I'm_ taking the couch, sweetheart," Angel said.

"Oh," Xander said, embarrassed.

"It's okay," Angel said. "I'm not going to push you, Xan. Hell, I don't even know if _I'm_ ready…not the way I feel about you. I've never…every other time it was someone I didn't know, or Spike or Dru or Darla. With Buffy it was different…I'm scared that I'll hurt you, the way I hurt her," he said, his voice small.

"Don't worry about it," Xander said. He kissed Angel's cheek. "Things always look better in the morning, right?"

"Right," Angel said with a slight smile. "Let me go get some sheets and grab my night pants."

_I can see myself_

_I look peaceful and pale_

_But underneath I can barely inhale_

_I can hear myself singing that song_

_Over and over until it belongs to me_

Angel's cotton sheets were warm and comfortable and every fiber of them smelled like Angel, like Xander was wrapped in his love through sleep. He slept like a rock and dreamed of nights on the beach with Angel and days in the ocean with his friends, his mother and father happily building a sand castle on the shore, decorating it with lambs rather than bloody crosses.

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_Smells Like Teen Spirit by Tori Amos (Crucify EP)_

_All of This Past by Sarah Bettens (Underworld [Original Motion Picture Soundtrack])_


	26. Chapter 25: Warning

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 25: Warning

_I suggest we_

_Learn to love our_

_Selves before it's_

_Made illegal_

_When will we learn?_

_When will we change?_

_Just in time to see it all come down_

_Those left standing_

_Will make millions_

_Writing books on the way_

_It should have been_

_She woke in the morning_

_She knew that her life had passed her by_

_And she called out a warning (warning)_

"_Don't ever let life pass you by!"_

"Warning" by Incubus (_Morning View_)

Xander woke up with a kiss on his lips. Angel was leaning over him, kissing him to life like Snow White's prince. Sleepily, Xander smiled and returned it.

"Good morning," Angel said with a small smile.

"Hi," Xander said.

"You have school," Angel noted, pointing at the clock ticking on the wall.

"Oh, crap," Xander moaned. Stumbling out of the warm cocoon of blankets, he headed to the bathroom. It hit him then that he'd actually stayed the night at Angel's house, in Angel's _bed_. Xander grinned nervously at the mirror. Reflected in it he saw a young boy – no, a young _man_, tousled hair and wide eyes, flushed cheeks, red lips. His eyes were shining and Xander splashed some water on his hair and face to get it to look okay.

"Do you need a ride?" Angel asked from the kitchen. He offered Xander a mug of coffee, but Xander declined (caffeine did _strange_ things to his system).

"That'd be nice, yeah," Xander admitted.

It felt sort of like a real couple, Xander thought, the way they got ready for their day together, walked outside and got in the car. Angel was giving him warm smiles that seemed to say the same thing. They held hands on the drive, the radio silent. There didn't need to be any words, just the feeling of the warming sunlight, just the sensation of their joined hands over the thrum of the car.

"Are you going to be okay?" Angel asked as they pulled in a block from the school. "With your parents, I mean?" He lifted Xander's hand to his lips and gave it that special kiss that he always gave him. Xander smiled sadly.

"Yeah, I should be fine. I mean, the hills aren't alive with the sound of music or anything, but…"

"Xander…" Angel murmured. He looked away, seemed to think about saying something, decided against it. "Just…know that my door is always open to you, okay? Or Spike's, or Buffy's or Willow's. You don't _have_ to go back tonight, if you don't want to," he said finally.

Xander squeezed Angel's hand gently, and got out of the car. "I'll see you around," he said, not really answering what Angel said. Angel nodded, his eyes sad with too much understanding of the dissolution of families. _Family_, Xander thought sadly. He shut the car door behind him.

As the car pulled away, Xander milled aimlessly around the lawn as the students began to arrive in their buses. Most of them gazed at the car and at Xander with questioning eyes but Xander was too caught up in his thoughts to really see them. It had been like family, a family of their own making this morning. There was a hazy reality in his mind that that could be him and Angel, five years from now perhaps, getting up together.

Xander blushed at how involved the kiss had gotten last night. How far would it have gone if they hadn't been interrupted? Would he have let Angel…And then Drusilla's harsh words would ring in his ears. _Whore_, she'd said. Was that it? Was he willing to give up everything he'd been taught about the sanctity of marriage just to give in to the desire to sleep with Angel?

Of course, he and Angel didn't stand much of a chance of being married in the traditional sense, but still, Xander had been taught and had since developed his own opinions about sex since childhood. Sex was serious, not some lusty thing to be shared and then forgotten. It was like his thoughts about Larry and Angel, the night before. He could have given into the pleasure of Larry's kiss last night; that would have been his choice.

But ultimately, what would that have led to? Sex was something to be shared between two people who are in love with each other and committed to monogamy. Look at what casual sex had done to Angel, Spike, and Drusilla. Obviously most cases weren't as extreme as Angel's, but sex had become in society something to be mocked at, shown in cheap porn flicks and one night stands that left both people cold and empty the next morning, left with nothing but a night of passion with a stranger and loneliness the next day (or possibly a STD or a baby (surprise!)).

Sex hadn't just been designed for procreation. Sex was something that God had given to humans to let them have a union, where two people became, even briefly, one entity, connected in the most intimate of unions. It was meant to lower barriers and for hearts to be shared, to have two people racing toward the pleasure of not just the sex but the emotional thrill of the _trust_ that it should take to be ready for sex.

Xander was in love with Angel with all his heart, he knew that. But did that mean that he was ready to…hell, were _they_ ready to? Angel had said before that he was still working through some things. He'd been burned before. The thought of sex with Angel filled him with both thrill and dread, anticipation and nervousness. Maybe, in some obscure sense, he was glad that they'd been interrupted last night, because he _wasn't_ ready, not quite yet.

_God, grant me the understanding to know myself_, Xander thought to himself with a wry smile as his heart and his body had their own argument about sex. Xander turned and resolutely headed up the steps towards the school as the bell rang.

***

_Why do you look so familiar?_

_I could swear that I_

_Have seen your face before_

_I think I like that you seem sincere_

_I think I'd like to know you a little bit more_

"Where've you _been_?!" Willow demanded as soon as he stepped into the lobby, Buffy behind her. Willow looked like she'd been awake half the night, and jumped up on caffeine (this was _never_ a good combination with Willow). Tara was holding Willow's hand, exasperatedly trying to calm her down.

"What do you mean?" Xander asked as blithely as he could manage.

"Oh, come on, Xander, don't act like you don't know it's already all over town," Buffy said impatiently. "You had a _huge_ fight with your parents and then you ran away from home for a night; the whole _school_ is buzzing."

"And your parents called _mine_ last night and wanted to know if you were at my house!" Willow said angrily. "I was freaking out; I didn't know where you were or who you were with or—"

"And then they called my mom," Buffy broke in. "No one had a clue where you were!"

"I…spent the night at a friend's," Xander hedged. "It was a bad fight."

"Right, the only 'friend' we know who drives a black convertible," Cordelia said as she walked in from behind them. Xander noticed that she had walked in order to not draw attention to the fact that she no longer had a flashy red convertible. She didn't say a word about it, so neither did he. In fact, she was acting as if yesterday had never happened. He gave her that.

_I think there's something more_

_Life's worth living for_

"You were with _Angel_ last night?" Buffy demanded. "What…happened?"

"We didn't do anything, if that's what you're asking," Xander said, his cheeks flaming.

"Well, we all heard that you told your dad that you hated him," Cordelia said as they started walking. "Not that I blame you, mind."

"Do my neighbors just bug my house?" Xander demanded angrily.

"In Sunnydale? Who can tell how far the gossip hounds will go? It's not like they have anything else to do," Tara remarked with more anger in her gentle voice than you usually heard.

_Who knows what could happen?_

_Do what you do, just keep on laughing_

_One thing's true:_

_There's always a brand new day_

_I'm gonna live today like it's my last day_

"Well, yes, we had a fight. They…my mom _knows_," Xander whispered, wincing at the memory of Jessica sitting at that table, her zombie-like movements, the alcohol in front of her, the way her eyes seemed to burn into his with emotions her face simply could not express.

"Oh, God, Xander," Willow breathed. She pulled him into a tight hug. "Are you alright?"

"Not really," Xander said lightly. "She didn't tell my dad, he was just pissed because I've been sneaking out. They nailed my window shut and took all my posters and everything."

"My mom did that once in LA," Buffy said with a wince. "When she and dad were fighting all the time, I used to just leave to get away from it all. When she nailed it shut, I got so _mad_ at her…I feel really guilty about it now, of course; she had so much going on that she didn't need me worrying her to add to it."

Buffy's words sent a splinter of guilt through Xander's heart, but he fought it down. Really, what choice did he _have_? He was practically a prisoner in his own house; there was nothing else for him to _do_ but sneak out. He felt a burning wave of resentment toward his father, and it left a bad taste in his mouth.

_How do you always have an opinion?_

_And how do you always find the best way to compromise?_

_We don't need to have a reason_

_We don't need anything_

_We're just wasting time_

"It's really hard, stuck with your parents," Tara said hesitantly. "I mean, they're your parents, so you love them. But you want so badly to not…care…" she trailed off, looking away. Xander saw Willow squeeze her hand in sympathy, and he winced. Tara's words really hit the nail with the hammer.

_I think there's something more_

_Life's worth living for_

"How long until you're eighteen?" he asked her.

"Two weeks," Tara said, giving him a commiserating smile.

"I thought eighteen was going to be so much different than seventeen," Cordelia said reflectively. "But, really, you don't feel any older or more adultish. You're just _you_, only now able to buy cigarettes and porn." They all stared at her. "Well, _I_ didn't buy either of those things, you pervs," she said peevishly.

_Who knows what could happen?_

_Do what you do, just keep on laughing_

_One thing's true:_

_There's always a brand new day_

_I'm gonna live today like it's my last day_

"I just think that maybe it's hitting us all now," Willow said, staring around at the lobby. "I mean, I'm so _used_ to this place, love it or hate it. I've always looked so forward to getting _out_ of it that I've never really given much thought to how much it impacted my entire teenage life."

"I know what you mean," Buffy said. "Things that were so important last year are just…whatever, now, you know what I mean? It's like we've been inside this giant bubble and the teachers are about to just drop us out with a diploma and a card that says 'Good luck.'"

"I think that we just aren't teenagers anymore," Cordelia said. "I mean, in age, sure, but in high school you're immortal. You don't care about anything but grades and flirting and homework. Now all of a sudden _we're_ the ones that are going, 'Oh, how am I going to pay for college?' and 'Do I want kids?'"

"It's sort of like death," Tara said pensively. "Each stage of our life is like death when it's over. Our childhoods are already dead and now we're working on getting through adolescence."

"Well, we have each other, at least," Buffy said with a melancholy smile. "We're gonna stick together after high school."

"Oh, God, stuck with _you_ losers until I'm wrinkly," Cordelia said with a faux shudder.

"At least it's _us_ and not _Harmony_," Willow said with a smirk.

"What a twit," Xander commented acerbically.

"What?!" Buffy asked, turning to stare at him incredulously. They all gave her a blank stare and she flushed all the way to the roots of her hair. "I thought he said something else."

"Oh!" Willow gasped, and then they were all laughing, thoughts of adulthood and death far away as the teenagers careened down the hall, one last sunny day left in the spring of youth.

_Who knows what could happen?_

_Do what you do, just keep on laughing_

_One thing's true:_

_There's always a brand new day_

_So you go and make it happen_

_Do your best, just keep on laughing_

_I'm telling you:_

_There's always a brand new day_

_I'm gonna live today like it's my last day_

***

_I never said nothing_

_I never said nothing_

_I don't know where you heard it_

_Don't know who's spreadin' it 'round_

_All I know is I'm clean as a whistle, baby_

_I didn't utter a sound_

The day was a hot one, but Xander didn't think the heat was the reason he was blushing. Virtually all of Sunnydale High School was staring at him, whispering and pointing. It was embarrassing and actually frustrating as he tried to concentrate on his classes. Everywhere, the stories were buzzing: Perfect Xander Harris had a huge fight with his parents. Perfect Xander Harris went out all night.

The common thought was drugs or booze. Just as Buffy had told him, there _was_ the small rumor that Xander was gay, but that was largely laughed off. A secret girlfriend that mommy and daddy would disapprove of was a far more common conclusion. There were some that were more accurate than others in saying that Xander was bucking his father's control over every inch of his life, but since that was the most normal of the suggestions it was largely ignored in favor of drug addiction.

The previous day's battle was now viewed as an intervention gone wrong. Xander snorted with semi-hysterical laughter at the thought. Xander Harris, crack addict. Teachers were staring just as badly as the students were, particularly some of the older one's. Xander's creative writing teacher clucked disapprovingly at Xander's attempts at poetry and glared at him for half the class, ostentatiously rubbing the large golden cross he wore around his neck.

By the time the bell rang Xander was sweating and he had to run to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face.

_I don't know what they told you_

_Don't even care what about_

_All I know is I'm clean as a whistle, baby_

_I didn't let the cat out_

During English, the teacher droned on about the psychological impacts of _Macbeth_ while Xander doodled aimlessly on a piece of paper. His own exam wouldn't include anything about _Macbeth_ because his father had emphatically insisted that Xander not be exposed to "the use of the devil's children as a form of entertainment."

Of course, that had led Xander to borrow a copy of _Macbeth_ from Willow and read all about it. He'd never been particularly afraid of the Witches from _Macbeth_; all of his and Willow's metaphysical conversations about Wicca and Christianity and all the various similarities and differences had armed him with the knowledge that actual Wicca was a rather gentle craft, and most witches bristled at the annoyingly repetitive references to Satan whenever anyone talked about witchcraft.

But he was really just circling around the bandwagons, so to speak, to avoid thinking about the end of the day, which was creeping closer and closer. Next period was lunch, which left three classes till the bell rang. And then what?

_A very insightful question, Mr. Harris,_ he told himself in his mind. What was there that he could possibly say to his parents to make last night alright? He'd actually told his father to his face that he hated him before leaving to spend the night away from home. His parents had called his friends and asked where he was, and…what was he going to say?

What had his mother said? Had she told his father the truth? What would his father say to that? Would his parents look at him like he was sick, infected, diseased? Would they blame Willow or Satan or both? They'd tell him that no one is born homosexual and to even suggest such a thing would be an affront to God; they'd talk all about how gay teachers were trying to 'recruit our youth' and how gay politicians and activists were trying to spread their 'homosexual agenda' through the government; they'd say that AIDS was sent from God to smite the sinners, and that they should learn from their punishment to repent.

It was nothing he hadn't heard before, but he'd never heard it directed at _him_.

When the bell rang he was startled out of his mind and looked down, seeing that he'd sketched an angel. Sighing, he shut his notebook.

_So don't look at me sideways_

_Don't even look me straight-on_

_And don't look at my hands in my pockets, baby_

_I ain't done anything wrong_

On the way out to lunch, Larry found him and grabbed his hand.

"Hey," he said quietly.

"Hi," Xander said cautiously.

"Can I talk to you for a second?" Larry asked, glancing around. People were staring.

"Okay," Xander said. "But I've gotta go to lunch—"

"Yeah, I know," Larry said, running his hand through his hair. He looked nervous. They walked up to the cafeteria and Larry turned toward him when there weren't many people in earshot. "Look, man, I just wanted to apologize again about last night."

"Nothing happened," Xander assured him again.

"Well, I just feel bad. And now everyone's going around spreadin' rumors and shit about you and someone said that you saw me last night, so…I mean, were you outed?" Larry asked in concern.

"No, just the usual Sunnydale rumor mill," Xander said irritably. "You know this town; you can't change the flowers in your garden without everyone having a powwow about the thing. Everybody thinks I'm a crackhead."

"Seriously?"

"Sadly, yes," Xander said with a grin.

"Okay," Larry said, returning the smile. "Did you get there okay last night?"

"Yeah. I'm just not sure what to say to my parents," Xander admitted.

"My advice? Don't tell them the truth," Larry said, his eyes serious.

"What do you mean?" Xander asked nervously.

"Look, nothing against your parents but…just going from the way mine reacted. I know you want to be all truthful and everything, but…it just might be easier for you to have some distance, you know, not have to live with them all the time. Living on your own looks nice but it actually kinda sucks the first month," Larry said bitterly.

"Thanks," Xander said warmly. He gently took Larry's big football hand and gave it a squeeze. Larry squeezed back and gave him a smile before he pulled back, his face going macho again.

"See you around, Harris," Larry said, his voice gruff, before he loped off.

Xander watched him go.

_I never said nothing_

_No, not to anyone_

***

Oddly enough, the Apocalypse didn't strike until lunchtime.

Xander headed out to the quad, where Buffy was sitting leaned against Spike, who was getting ready to open his guitar case. A crowd of students was gathering around them (of course, when Armageddon comes everyone is grouped in one place). Willow and Tara were sitting on a bench, holding hands. Tara was reading a book of poetry and occasionally sharing something with Willow, who was flipping through a final exams test booklet.

Cordelia was eating her lunch with Harmony and the Cordettes, and she looked like she was ready to drive her fork into Harmony's thigh. Xander gave her a commiserating smile and she mimed death while Harmony wasn't looking. At least the guitar wasn't making Harmony think about singing, Xander thought; once he'd heard her in theatre arts class do a rendition of "Part of Your World" from _The Little Mermaid_ and he'd thought for a serious moment that blood was leaking from his eardrums.

The sun was bright in the sky, the clouds white and fluffy, devoid of yesterday's rain. The grass seemed to zing with extra green, the trees swaying in a gentle breeze. The day was primed to be perfect, the air smelling like springtime and birth and the flowers the school's horticultural club planted. Maybe it was that air of pleasant anticipation as Spike tuned up the guitar and his friends waved at him that made everyone here the horrendous crash from the front yard.

_I'm in the business of misery_

_Let's take it from the top_

_She's got a body like an hourglass_

_That's ticking like a clock_

_It's just a matter of time before we all run out_

_When I thought he was mine_

_She caught him by the pout_

_I waited eight long months_

_She finally set him free_

_I told him I can't lie; he was the only one for me_

_Two weeks and we caught on fire_

_She's got it out for me_

Everyone jerked up and moved en masse toward the front. Xander would wonder later at how badly timed it all was; that Spike would be there to draw the crowd, that Sunnydale High had a communal lunch time so everyone was there including the teachers, how perfect the weather was as his world ended.

There on the green lawn as an old, beat-up blue car that looked like it'd been bought at a police auction (which it probably had been, Xander realized, when he saw the _Angel Investigations_ logo badly stenciled onto the side). "Shit," Spike whispered as Drusilla drunkenly staggered out of the driver's side door.

She was high on more than pills; she swung a bottle of Jack Daniels away from her and it hit the 'Sunnydale High' sign that she'd crashed into and shattered. The crash wasn't too bad; the car was probably dead but she looked fine, other than the stagger in her steps and the way her hands clawed at the air.

"What on _Earth_ is going on?!" Snyder's rat-voice demanded as he stormed out of his office. Drusilla turned with a drunken flourish as she saw her audience.

"Spike!" she cried, her voice overloud in the hushed yard. The students weren't making a sound, just standing like a wall of humanity, staring at one of their own who'd gone rabid. "There you are, you little bitch! Went to your apartment but you weren't there!"

"Dru," Spike began placatingly, holding his hands out, but she just smashed into him and knocked him over. Looking down at him, she giggled and spat something out of her mouth. Xander learned later that she'd swallowed some pills she'd scored off of God only knows where. Her eyes were wide and her pupils dilated, and they flashed yellow in the sunlight. She looked evil.

"Hey!" Buffy cried, surging forward. "What the hell is your problem?" She helped Spike up to his feet.

"Oh, so _that's_ how it is," Drusilla laughed. "Angel dumps you for _him—_" She pointed an accusing finger at Xander, who felt like all his blood had been drained out of him and started swaying like he might pass out. "—and so you run off to the next of _my_ guys that'll fuck your worthless ass."

Spike went crimson with rage. "Shut your hole, Drusilla!" he snarled. "Just clear off!"

"What, ruining your romantic afternoon?" she screamed, enraged. She was actually crying, Xander realized, and she looked like she'd clawed at her own face. "_I'm_ the sick one, remember! And now…now no one…I'm all alone!" She wept, trembling. The teachers were staring as much as the students, and no one moved to help her. She was outsider, she was other, she was frightening.

"You!" she screeched suddenly. "This is all _your_ fault!" She lunged at Xander with murder in her eyes, as Spike grabbed her and desperately tried to pull her back. Willow and Tara fought to the front of the crowd as they separated from Xander like he had a disease, all staring, everyone staring.

"Drusilla!" Spike begged, his voice breaking, going hoarse. "Don't do this!"

"Do what?" she demanded, slamming her fist into Spike's groin. Spike stumbled. "Tell everyone that their favorite preacher boy is fucking _my_ Angel?! That that stupid little bastard is a worthless _faggot_ and he can't even tell mummy and daddy? Boo hoo, you little whore!" she screamed, the venom in her voice sounding like acid as she sobbed, her mascara running in black streaks as it fell down her face.

_Second chances? They don't ever matter_

_People never change_

_Once a whore, you're nothing more_

_I'm sorry, that'll never change_

_And about forgiveness_

_We're both supposed to act ashamed_

_I'm sorry honey but I'm past that_

_Now look this way_

_Well, there's a million other girls who do it just like you_

_Looking as innocent as possible to get to who_

_They want and what they like_

_It's easy if you do it right_

The crowd gasped as one, and everything seemed to flow in slow motion. Things began to click in people's heads, Xander saw numbly. Everyone was staring, realization dawning. Everyone knew, and they were all staring. Buffy was a slow blur as she cold-cocked Drusilla in the jaw and the other girl went down cold; Cordelia looked horrified and was trying to make it to Xander but was blocked by the other girls; Willow and Tara had been shoved out of sight by the crowd that seemed to be converging on Xander, all screaming the same thing.

Xander turned and ran, but he'd never outrun the truth that had finally come out and could never, ever be shoved away again.

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_Warning by Incubus (Morning View)_

_Who Knows by Avril Lavigne (Under My Skin)_

_Never Said by Liz Phair (Exile in Guyville)_

_Misery Business by Paramore (Riot!)_


	27. Chapter 26: Wrong Way Out

**Author's Note:** Hey, guys. The plan here was definitely to have more than this chapter finished, but this chapter has been SO emotionally draining to write that I don't feel that bad about not giving you another one. In any case, this chapter is nearly fifteen pages long without the songs, so I think you'll be okay until the next post.

Thanks so much to everyone who's taken the time to share your thoughts; your reviews and comments mean more to me than you know. This one's for you, but it's really for me, too.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 26: Wrong Way Out

_Faint lines_

_Marking out another day_

_I can see that I_

_Just started panicking_

_In flight_

_I couldn't think of what to say_

_Now I know that I_

_I should have tried anyway_

_Instead I took the wrong way out_

_I didn't know wrong until now_

_We can only see what we're mean to see_

_Till it turns round_

_Instead of breaking myself down_

_I took the wrong way out_

_I took the wrong way out_

_I can't take another day_

_Living with the weight_

_Of knowing that I put space between me and you_

_So I'll wait for a break_

_For an opening_

_That might let me get back through…_

"Wrong Way Out" by Megan McCauley (_Better Than Blood_)

Xander's feet hit pavement and he didn't stop running for blocks. In a way, the sprinting helped; there was nothing in his mind but pushing his body faster and faster, nothing but the pain gradually building up in his feet as Sunnydale rushed by him in a blur, nothing but his lungs frantically inhaling and exhaling air, nothing but his heart pumping wildly as a tribal drum signaling warfare.

Sweat dripped down his face as he found himself on Main Street. He picked up the pace, running faster than he'd ever run in his life. The sun beat down on him mercilessly, the beauty of the day suddenly harsh and ugly, a surrealistic sense of a twisted heaven. Past the Sunnydale Cinema, where he and Willow had gone as preteens and seen the horror shows their parents had never wanted them to see, secure in the fact that they'd always be friends and nothing could ever come between them.

Past the Espresso Pump, where he and Buffy had spent hours hanging and talking over coffee, where Spike sometimes played his guitar, where Giles had been spotted playing and wooing Miss Calendar, where the entire Scooby Gang met in a golden circle of youthful friendship. Xander ran, faster and faster, his thighs now aching as his calves overworked themselves. Pain was good; pain kept him grounded and unable to think of anything else.

Running now, unable to keep up the whirlwind sprint, Xander crossed over to the grittier part of town, where the Bronze towered over everything, the Bronze where he'd laughed and danced and made friends for years, the Bronze that had great memories and horrible ones, the Bronze where everything had changed that one night leading to this day. Running past the Bronze also had him running away from Angel's apartment, where he could not go, not now.

He felt like an outsider, like a phantom; everything and everywhere in Sunnydale was a slice into his heart. His whole world had fallen to pieces in one year, and it wasn't fair that over so short a time everything he'd thought he'd known about life and about himself could shatter into a million jagged pieces that cut him every time he tried to pick them up.

What Xander wanted more than anything was to go home and pretend that everything was normal, that his father would ruffle his hair in that gruff show of Harris affection as they talked about how to interpret the verse in Exodus that stated that the Pharaoh's priests could replicate all of Moses' miracles only to a lesser degree. That his mother would look at him and use mom-magic to suddenly know that he needed a hug and a waffle with lots and lots of syrup.

He wanted to be a child, but it was like Tara had already said. The childhood of his life was over and he couldn't go back. Xander was turning into Xander, become _him_, who he'd be for the rest of his life, and there was no going back. If Drusilla hadn't shown up today, this still would have happened. Maybe, in a strange way, this was God's way of opening a door that Xander would never have had the courage to walk through by himself.

***

_Close the door and leave the world behind you_

_Open the window_

_Listen to the breeze blow through the pines_

_Take a deep breath_

_What more can you do?_

He became aware of a burning pain all the way up his legs as he slowed to a walk, and felt his muscles stiffening in pain. He forced himself to keep walking as he headed up Revello Drive, until he reached the large, beautiful, two-story white house in the middle – Buffy's house. He walked up the drive and knocked on the door, thanking God that Joyce Summers was home for parts of the day before her gallery opened.

"Xander?" she asked, confused, as she opened the door. She took in his flushed and sweaty face and the way his lips were trembling as he fought back tears of pure overwhelmed emotion and didn't even say a word, just stood aside and let him walk in to the blessed air conditioning.

"Hi, Mrs. Summers," he said after a moment, not meeting her eyes. He didn't know why he'd come here – screw it, yes he did. It was because Joyce actually listened to you, no matter how bad it was, and she gave you her honest opinion, and she never betrayed a secret, no matter what it was. If you'd accidentally killed someone and needed to confess, Joyce would hear you out and she wouldn't turn you over to the cops. As Spike said, she had class. As Buffy said, she's good people.

_Let the sun fall down_

_All around you_

_Let the night surround you_

_In a blanket of starlight_

_I'll whisper you a lullaby_

_Let the sun fall down_

"Do you want some cold water?" she offered as she led him into the kitchen.

"That'd be really nice," he said gratefully. As she went to fill up a glass, he carefully stretched his protesting leg muscles so they wouldn't cramp on him when he went to sit down. He sat down on one of the breakfast bar stools, and she gave him his glass of water. Then she sat down next to him, her warm brown eyes giving him nothing but sympathy, kindness, and motherly affection. She didn't have to say a word; instead, he talked. And told her everything, starting from the minute he saw Angel at the Bronze. The only thing he left out was Angel and Buffy's night, because he wasn't sure if she knew or not and that was Buffy's story to tell.

_That old black cloud_

_Acts like he knows you_

_He takes up too much time_

_Time you could be spending holding me_

_But he can't have you now_

_While you're here in this room_

For a long moment, Joyce sat still, absorbing the story. She gently stroked up and down his arm, her hand warm and soft with lotion.

"I don't know what to do," Xander muttered, his voice slightly hoarse from talking so much. "I just…I'm tapped out."

"Well, you've certainly been through a lot," Joyce said. "But I think that you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"Huh?" he asked, startled.

"Xander," she said with a very motherish smile. "You have a lot on your plate; more than most teenagers are asked to deal with. But you have become a very strong, smart, independent young man with good moral values and strong friendships. You also have someone you love who loves you back, which is more than some people find in their lifetimes. You have to face your problems, not run from them. It's running from the problems that make everything bigger and scarier and harder to face in the end."

"So you think I should talk to my parents?" he asked.

"I do," she said calmly. "I'm not saying it's going to be easy; in fact, it's probably going to be one of the hardest things in your life. But you love your parents, Xander, and they love you. I know that better than anything. I've gone through the ringer with Buffy, Xander. She's set buildings on fire, gotten expelled from school, gotten into fights, skipped classes. For a while there it was like I didn't even recognize her.

"But I realized that no matter what, she's my daughter, and though, yeah, she has her faults, she's also a strong, smart, caring girl who can think on her feet and puts others before herself. Doesn't stop us from fighting or making mistakes, but that's what makes us family. In the end, there's love, and nothing can take that away."

_So tonight_

_Let the sun fall down_

_All around you_

_Let the night surround you_

_In a blanket of starlight_

_I'll whisper you a lullaby_

_Oh, let the sun fall down_

***

Mrs. Summers called his parents to let them know that she was going to be bringing Xander by. The exchange was short, and she gave him encouraging smiles while she was talking. Xander drained the icy water and relished the cold coursing through his system. What he really wanted was a shower, a long hot shower to wash all the sweat and emotions out of his body and leave him drained and empty.

Instead he got into the passenger's seat of Joyce's Land Rover. Sunnydale was a small town, and it only took about five minutes by car to get from Buffy's house to his own. She pulled into the driveway and Xander could see the vague shapes of his parents through the window curtains, moving around the living room. He took a moment to trace the outlines of his house with his eyes.

_Red handprint on a watery cheek_

_Pack your bags quiet while the lion sleeps_

_Watch your mother put her name to the line_

_Next to the place where your father signed_

_And inevitably_

_What it seems to be_

_Will be tainted by the pull of gravity_

_And you will never_

_No, you will never see with virgin eyes again_

The two-story had held his entire life for so long. There was a personality to the house; it would never just be a _house_, it was a home. More importantly, it was _his_ home. Closing his eyes and whispering a prayer, Xander got out of the car. Joyce got out with him. She gave his hand a comforting squeeze as she knocked on the door.

"Just remember, Xander – no matter what, they're your parents. And you can always come talk to me," she said with that special mom-smile that she seemed to have perfected more so than anyone else's he knew.

"Thanks, Mrs. Summers," he said with feeling.

The door opened to show Jessica there. She looked frail and hesitant, squinting at the sunlight. Xander thanked God that he couldn't smell alcohol on her breath anymore. She didn't say anything, just stepped aside to let him in. His father wasn't home yet.

Joyce and Jessica exchanged a few words before the door closed. Xander took a deep breath as he looked around the living room, where he'd spent so much time. He felt almost like a stranger perusing the house for the first time, and he was disheartened to note the unfamiliarity with his settings. There was a wall between him and this place, and he remembered the children's song, _one of these things is not like the others, one of these things does not belong_.

"Xander…please go to your room," Jessica said tiredly as she followed him into the living room.

"Ma…" Xander whispered, wincing in pain.

"Just…we're having a family meeting tonight," she said, her voice quiet, bitter.

"Okay," he said quietly. Neither of them were looking at each other; they might as well have been strangers. She sank down onto the couch and stared listlessly at the powered-off television. He headed out of the living room without looking back.

The shower helped, a little. He collapsed onto bed and slipped into a numb sort of daze.

'_Cause this is the day_

_That everything changes_

_And your world stops turning_

_Running straight_

_Into the brake lights_

_You've come to nothing_

_This is the day_

_That everything changes_

_And your world collides_

_You know in time you'll wake to find you're_

_You're a little unbroken_

***

When Tony came home that night he had a box of food with him. Xander was called down from his room and they ate dinner in a stilted silence. Xander didn't meet his parents eyes, but they weren't really looking at him. Jessica was concentrating on pushing her food around with her fork, and Tony was pouring himself a bit of scotch, which Xander figured he should have been protesting, but…

There was a coldness to the silence, a heaviness. Xander had never really understood what people meant when they said a loud silence, but this one was ringing in his ears with feeling. Pain, resentment, anger, bitterness; it compressed around them all like a hateful blanket and Xander took a long drink of soda. His father's eyes were red and he looked like he'd been shouting.

There weren't any dishes to do, so they just threw the trash away, and retired to the living room. Xander sat down in the easy chair, and Jessica and Tony sat together on the couch. It was like a Mexican standoff in the old westerns that his father liked to watch some nights. Xander and Tony had made it through _For a Fistful of Dollars_ and _For a Few Dollars More_ together, chuckling at the jokes, the lame effects, the bravado.

_All_

_That I did was walk over_

_Start off by shaking your hand_

_That's how it went_

_I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight_

"Alexander, you've been…things are getting out of hand," Tony started, his voice quiet. For now, he wasn't angry. For now he was a parent who had no idea what he was doing or what was happening to his child, and Xander's heart clenched. _In the end, there's love, and nothing can take that away_, Joyce had told him that afternoon. He wanted to remember the strong father who'd picked him up as a child and pointed out the clouds and told him that there was where Xander was going to be one day with Jesus, flying with the angels, not the shell of an old alcoholic who clung to his narrow-minded beliefs with the tenacity of a pit bull.

"I'm sorry for running out last night," Xander said quietly. "I should have called and told you that I was OK."

"Yes, you should have," Tony agreed evenly. "We were terribly worried. Your mother called the Rosenbergs and Joyce Summers, but no one knew where you were."

"I spent the night at…at a friend's," Xander hedged. "I didn't want to come home because I didn't want to fight with you again." That much was true, at least.

_Oh, yeah, yeah_

_I wanted to know you_

_I wanted to show you_

"Which friend?" Tony asked, frustration and strain evident in his voice. "Another one that we don't know about? What did this one do, kill someone?"

"Dad!" Xander protested, feeling his heart speed up despite himself.

"Well, what do you expect me to expect?" Tony asked, his voice rising angrily. "I feel like I don't even know you anymore, Xander! I mean, Willow is one thing; you've been friends with her since you were children, but the Summers girl _burned down a building_—"

"That was an accident!" Xander protested angrily. "And for your information, _that Summers girl_ got such high scores on her SAT's that Northwestern University is trying to convince her to take their classes!"

"And that _Spike_ boy?" Tony demanded. "The drunk teenager who used to graffiti and party and get in fights and got _expelled_ from school, you find an acceptable friend? Think of you you're surrounding yourself with!"

_You don't know me_

_Don't ignore me_

_You don't want me there_

_You just shut me out_

_You don't know me_

_Don't ignore me_

_If you had your way_

_You'd just shut me up_

_Make me go away_

"You taught me this!" Xander said quietly. "Judge not lest ye be judged, remember? You can never tell the color of a soul? I've had that philosophy since I started secular school – that one that _you_ taught me!"

"I also taught you that _actions_ speak louder than _words_," Tony said, impassioned. "He's a bad influence!"

"He's an artist!" Xander said angrily. "He writes poetry and songs and he has a steady job, an apartment in the good part of town, he's not even dating Drusilla anymore!"

"Thank heaven for small mercies," Tony said irritably.

_No_

_I just don't understand why_

_You won't talk to me_

_It hurts_

_That I'm so unwanted_

_For nothing_

_Don't talk words against me_

"You've never even tried to get to know my friends," Xander pointed out. "You just told me what to look for in a friend and then expected that I'd follow that to the letter."

"Have you ever given us a chance?" Jessica said unexpectedly. She was clutching her hands together as if in supplication, her eyes sad. "You've been keeping this whole other life from us since you started high school, from what I understand – friends we don't know about, classes we don't know about, going to the Bronze without our permission—"

"Yeah, but what would you have _said_?" Xander asked, running his sweaty palms through his hair in frustration. "You've effectively banned me from all of my best friends, you've been hauling me out of classes since I hit middle school, and I can't go anywhere without your permission! If I'd have told you _any_ of those things you would have nailed my window shut sooner!"

_Oh, yeah, yeah_

_I wanted to know you_

_I wanted to show you_

"Then why did you do all those things?" Tony demanded.

"Because I'm _me_, not _you_!" Xander finally said, trembling. "I love you guys! You're my _parents_! You're one of the most important things in my life! But I _don't_ want to relive _your_ life! I want my own, and you haven't let me even try to have it ever since I became a teenager!"

"We've given you—" Tony began, flustered.

"You've given me church and Bibles, your pick of colleges, your pick of friends, your pick of career options, your pick of _everything_!" Xander cut him off. "You've never even _asked_ me about anything! We have eternity in Heaven, but we've got one life to live on Earth and you haven't let me live mine!"

"We've guided you in the ways of the Lord!" Tony said angrily. "We've shown you the way!"

"You've shown me _your_ way!" Xander returned. "God has a plan, you've been telling me that for years. How can you assume that you just _know_ that God's plan is for me to become what _you_ want me to become?"

"Are you suggesting that any life _you_ want can compare with being Called to teach the ways of God to the world?" Tony asked, his voice deathly quiet.

"That's exactly my _point_," Xander said, frustrated. "If you don't feel the urge to _teach_ that wisdom, then it's meaningless!"

"What are you saying?" his mother asked, staring at him.

"I'm _saying_ that I _don't_ feel Called to become a preacher!" Xander finally snapped, his voice louder and more forceful than he'd intended. But the truth was, that simple sentence had been fighting its way out of him for more than a year now, and it felt like he had uncorked a bottle of wild feeling that he'd been suppressing over and over ever since his fifteenth birthday, when he'd been told where he was going to go to college and what he'd likely be studying.

_You don't know me_

_Don't ignore me_

_You don't want me there_

_You just shut me out_

_You don't know me_

_Don't ignore me_

_If you had your way_

_You'd just shut me up_

_Make me go away_

His mother looked down, away from him. She hadn't been expecting anything else. His father, on the other hand, looked horrified.

"How can you even _say_ that?" he asked. "Rejecting God's work!"

"It's not rejecting anything but what _you've_ been telling me is the way the world works for years," Xander said, not meeting his father's eyes.

"You're only seventeen years old; you don't know what you're talking about," Tony declared.

"And you know what I'm talking about?" Xander demanded scornfully. "You're me now, dad? You know what's going on inside my head? You don't know a damn thing about me!"

"How dare you!" his father snapped.

"You don't know _me_!" Xander continued relentlessly. "All you know is this image in your head of what your son is, the perfect Harris boy, not _me_. You don't know _me_; you've never even _tried_."

_You don't know me_

_Don't ignore me_

_You don't want me there_

_You just shut me out_

_You don't know me_

_Don't ignore me_

_If you had your way_

_You'd just shut me up_

_Make me go away_

"I'm your father!"

"And that qualifies you to know everything?" Xander asked. "What's my favorite color, dad?"

"What?" Tony asked, confused.

"My favorite color. What is it?" Xander demanded angrily.

"Blue," his father said with certainty.

"My favorite color is red," Xander informed him. "What's my favorite book?"

"_Left Behind_," his father said uncertainly.

"No, my favorite book is _Dune_, which Grandpa gave to me when I was twelve," Xander said angrily. Tony was gaping at him like a fish out of water, unsure and floundering. Xander looked away, clenching his hands to his belly. He felt like his stomach acid was rolling through his entire system with its bitter power. He clenched his eyes shut and willed it down.

"Xander, you've been spending too much…you have surrounded yourself with evil influences!" his father finally declared.

"Yeah, because learning to think for myself? That's the most awful thing that could have happened to me," Xander said sardonically. "Next you're going to tell me that Tara's evil by extension of Willow."

_One night to you_

_Lasting six weeks for me_

_Just a bitter little pill now_

_Just to try to go to sleep_

_No more waking up to innocence_

_Say hello to hesitance_

_With everyone I meet_

_Thanks to you, years ago_

_I guess I'll never know_

_What love means to me_

_But, oh_

"She has allowed herself to be twisted into a disgusting lifestyle thanks to that girl," Tony said venomously.

"Being gay is _not_ a lifestyle," Xander snapped, turning to stare at his father head on. His entire body was coursing with anger and fear and nervousness and bitterness. "It's not a _choice_."

"Our own church has worked—" Tony began, swelling like a bullfrog, but Xander had already jumped to his feet and stared him down.

"Let me guess – you're going to start in on your spiel about people in prison and change ministries," Xander said deprecatingly. "Well, let me let you in on a little secret – prison is an entirely different world. Your own psyche changes itself to survive. Sex in prison is for dominance and for self-gratification, a way to barter for protection or a way to control someone else. 'Gay' people in prison are almost always straight on the outside world. And that little statistic about how all gay people are only gay because they've been abused? Is actually _wrong_." Xander was breathing fast, his hands clenched into fists, his face flushed with color.

_I'll keep on running down this road_

_But I've got a bad, bad feeling_

"And where did you learn this?" Tony snarled, leaping to his feet as well. "From your _psychology_ classes? From _Willow_?"

"Or from any other science class that you've forbidden me from taking?" Xander yelled. "Do you have any _idea_ how embarrassing it is to have everyone laughing at you because you have to leave a global warming lecture because you're afraid your parents will _sue_ the school?!"

_It's gonna take a long time to love_

_It's gonna take a lot to hold on_

_It's gonna be a long, long way to happy_

_Left in the pieces that you broke me into_

_Torn apart, but now I've got to_

_Keep on rolling like a stone_

'_Cuz it's gonna be a long, long way to happy_

"Any self-respecting parent must take such steps these days with the evil that's flooding our public schools!" his father hollered, his face beet red.

"The evil of _knowledge_?" Xander choked out. "Learning the way the world works isn't evil! Evolution is just a _theory_; they still haven't proved it and scientists can't explain how the universe started, damn it!"

"So science tells us these evils and we're supposed to just believe it?" Tony demanded.

"You trust a doctor to cure you when you're sick," Xander pleaded passionately. "Why can't you understand that we don't have to trust everything to blind faith anymore? God expects us to have our own lives, not pray to have everything handled for us!"

"So what do you want me to believe? That Willow and Tara's _disgusting_ choices are—"

"It isn't a _choice_!" Xander screamed hoarsely. "And you've got no idea what you're talking about! They _love_ each other, and there's nothing _wrong_ or _sick_ about that! You can't _choose_ who you fall in love with or who your _body's_ attracted to, for God's sake!"

"Don't you scream at me!" Tony yelled, and his father was nearly sobbing in rage and so was Xander; Jessica was curled in on herself on the couch as the room around them that had once held them together as _family_ was torn apart.

"Why can't you just _listen_ to me?" Xander yelled brokenly. "Tara's been made a _better_, stronger person since she and Willow…how can you say that two people who genuinely love each other in today's world is a _bad_ thing?!"

"And now you expect me to believe the vile rumors flying around Sunnydale that _you're_ gay, too?!" his father screeched.

"It can't be called a rumor if it's _true_!" Xander screamed.

_Left my childhood behind_

_In a rollaway bed_

_Everything was so damn simple_

_Now I'm losing my head_

_Trying to cover up the damage_

_And pat out all the bruises_

_Too young to know I had it_

_So it didn't hurt to lose it_

For a long, long moment, the scene was frozen in tableau. Jessica was staring at her son in horror, her worst suspicion confirmed. Tony looked like Xander had gut-stabbed him. Xander was swaying on his feet, trembling and white-faced and looked like someone who'd just pled guilty for murder one in a state that supports capitol punishment. There was utter silence in the Harris living room.

_No, I'll keep on rolling down this road_

_But I've got a bad, bad feeling_

"You…_you_…" Tony began, but words utterly failed him.

"Yeah," Xander said bitterly.

"You're lying," Tony said flatly.

"Why the…why would I _lie_ about _that_?" Xander asked incredulously.

"You're dating Cordelia Chase!" Tony pointed out in a hysterically reasonable tone of voice.

"I went on an enforced dinner date with Cordelia Chase so she wouldn't tell _you_ that I…" Xander corrected, not even bothering to finish the sentence. Tears were starting to fall silently out of the corner of Jessica's eyes. She wasn't looking at him, and Xander was surprised, in an outsider sort of way, to register the burning, stabbing pain in his heart at her rejection, even though it was expected.

_It's gonna take a long time to love_

_It's gonna take a lot to hold on_

_It's gonna be a long, long way to happy_

_Left in the pieces that you broke me into_

_Torn apart, but now I've got to_

_Keep on rolling like a stone_

'_Cuz it's gonna be a long, long way to happy_

"But…you…" Tony began, his voice almost small.

"Have never been attracted to a girl before in my _life_," Xander said flatly.

"No!" Jessica snapped, her voice breaking. "No!" She surged to her feet unsteadily. "I know, I know this is that _Angel's_ fault! He's corrupted my son!"

"Angel had nothing to do with this!" Xander said angrily.

"Angel?" Tony asked, not really with the conversation, still reeling. "That art student?"

"He…Xander snuck out with _him_," Jessica said venomously, pointing her trembling finger at Xander.

"What did that _man_ do to you?" Tony snarled.

"He…" Xander floundered.

"You've been taken in by—"

"He _loves_ me!" Xander yelled.

"Is that what _he_ told you when he _seduced_ you like the devil himself?" Jessica screeched.

"We've never _done_ anything!" Xander said hotly.

"Like that _matters_!" Tony thundered. "Satan needs no lusty touches when he can implant his spawn with—"

"Angel is _not_ a _demon_!" Xander snarled fiercely, his heart beating like a war drum in his chest.

"He's made you think—"

"I _love_ him!" Xander declared.

"How can you _say_ such a thing?" his mother demanded, tears flowing down her face. She was clawing at her hands. "Can't you hear yourself? Two _men_? Do you have any idea how ridiculous, how _repulsive_ that sounds? To us, to everyone, to _God_?"

_Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing_

_So don't worry about regret or guilt_

'_Cuz I never knew your name_

_I just wanna thank you, thank you_

_From the bottom of my heart_

_For all the sleepless nights_

_And the tearing me apart_

"I didn't _choose_ this," Xander whispered, pleading for understanding. "I can't help who I fall in love with."

"You're not in _love_ with him!" Tony shrieked.

"Dad, just _stop_!" Xander yelled.

"You're _sick_! You've become waylaid by Satan, lead into the path of the temptations of sin and moral degradation! I won't stand by and watch _my_ son burn in Hell because of this disgusting predator, this _seducer_!" Tony bellowed.

"I'm not going to burn in Hell for falling in love with someone just because he's a _guy_!" Xander yelled desperately.

"Can't you see what you've _become_?!" Jessica cried, sobbing.

"I haven't _become_ anything, this what I _am_!"

"Don't you _fucking_ say that!" Tony cried, and slapped Xander full across the face. Xander jerked away, his face feeling like someone had lit a torch to it. Jessica had her hand to her mouth as she sobbed noiselessly. Tony was trembling from head to toe and looked like he was about to have a heart attack.

"You narrow-minded, bigoted son of a bitch," Xander whispered, the first of the tears starting to break.

"Go on!" Tony goaded, his voice breaking in misery. "Tell me you hate me!"

"I don't hate you, Dad," Xander whispered. "I feel _sorry_ for you."

"This won't go on," Tony said, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around himself. "You…_go to your room_. You'll _never_ see _him_ again, damn it; I'll run him out of town and _away_ from _you_! And…we'll find a way to get through this, to make you better again."

"I'm not _sick_," Xander whispered brokenly.

"They have camps for this, good _Christian_ workshops that teach people just like you how to get _past_ this trick of Satan," Tony said, staring over Xander's shoulder as if Xander wasn't even there.

"You want to send me to a _change_ camp?" Xander asked, horrified. "Do you have any _idea_ how many people come out of there permanently psychologically _damaged_ because of some of the _bullshit_ they shovel down your throat, how many of them have been broken up because of physical _abuse_ allegations?!"

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!" Tony raged, a tear of rage, frustration, horror perhaps leaking from his eye. Jessica sank silently to the chair, her tears dissolving herself. Xander turned and slowly walked up the stairs. The closing of his door was like a final knife thrust into the death of his old life. He collapsed on the bed and didn't move for a long, long time.

_It's gonna take a long time to love_

_It's gonna take a lot to hold on_

_It's gonna be a long, long way to happy_

_Left in the pieces that you broke me into_

_Torn apart, but now I've got to_

_Keep on rolling like a stone_

'_Cuz it's gonna be a long, long way to happy_

***

_Please, please forgive me_

_But I won't be home again_

_Maybe someday you'll look up_

_And barely conscious you'll say to no one_

"_Isn't something missing?"_

The picture was the last thing that he added to the bag. Buffy was leaning against a tree in the Summers' yard, dressed in classic California chic, her hair very blonde in the sun, her face a smile of pure joy. Willow was leaning against Buffy's shoulder, her hair like fire, her green eyes crystalline with youthful happiness. Xander himself lay in Buffy's lap, grinning up at the girls like a goof.

The picture had been taken by Joyce the previous summer. It was like a snapshot of life _before_ – before Willow had met Tara, before Angel and Xander's big gay epiphany and Buffy's growing up and meeting Spike…back when it was just the three of them, the golden trio forever united in bonds of friendship and trust.

_Please, please forgive me_

_But I won't be home again_

_I know what you do to yourself_

_I breathe deep and cry out_

"_Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't someone missing me?"_

That summer had been magical, unreal. Every day had been perfect – when his parents were laughing and happy, when there were pancakes for breakfast and he and Buffy would meet up and tease Willow relentlessly about actually _studying_ over summer break to make sure that she was a step ahead of everyone else in class.

In a way, he hated that picture more than anything else, but he couldn't bear to leave it behind. When he was sure that he had everything packed, he took one last look around the room, imprinting. Then he headed outside, down the apple tree and to the front yard. The sun was setting ahead of him, making the horizon look like it was awash in blood. He didn't peek in to the living room; he'd keep the memories of his parents the way he wanted to remember them, not the memories they'd forced on him these last few months.

He resolutely shouldered his bag and started the long journey to Angel's, and he didn't look back once as the sun set into the night behind him.

_And if I bleed_

_I'll bleed_

_Knowing you don't care_

_And if I sleep_

_Just to dream of you_

_I'll wake without you there_

_Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't something…_

_Even though I'm the sacrifice_

_You won't cry for me, not now_

_Though I'd die to know you loved me_

_I'm all alone_

_Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_Wrong Way Out by Megan McCauley (Better Than Blood)_

_Let the Sun Fall Down by Kim Richey (Kim Richey)_

_Unbroken by Missy Higgins (Charmed: The Book of Shadows [Original Television Soundtrack])_

_Unwanted by Avril Lavigne (Let Go)_

_Long Way to Happy by Pink (I'm Not Dead [Platinum Edition])_

_Missing by Evanescence (Anywhere But Home)_


	28. Chapter 27: Running Up That Hill

**A/N:** Oh, God, I'm _so_ freaking sorry that this has taken so long, but I've had writer's block like you wouldn't _believe_! ALL my stories ground to a halt this past month or so, including this one. It was so incredibly frustrating. But I think I'm getting over it, so tentatively speaking I should be able to start updating fairly regularly again until the end, which is getting closer.

Sorry!

**Extra Special Note!!** _This chapter is dedicated entirely to __**sun_hime**__ of LiveJournal, whose birthday I missed and felt really bad for. Thanks for all the reviews and the dedication to this story, and I truly hope this was worth the wait. Happy Belated!!!!!!!!_

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 27: Running Up That Hill

_You don't wanna hurt me_

_But see how deep the bullet lies?_

_Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder_

_There is thunder in our hearts, baby_

_So much hate for the ones we love_

_Tell me we both matter_

_Don't we?_

_You (be running up that hill)_

_You and me (be running up that hill)_

_And if I only could_

_Make a deal with God_

_And get Him to swap our places_

_Be running up that road_

_Be running up that hill_

_Be running up that building_

_If I only could…oh…_

"Running Up That Hill" by Placebo (_Bones [Original Television Soundtrack]_)

When Xander knocked on the door, he wasn't entirely sure what to expect. He had a vague, half-formed plan in his mind, but other than that he was flying by the seat of his pants with no seat belt. He tried to stop his limbs from trembling as he waited. After a moment, the door opened and there was Angel, looking deliciously rumpled from sleep with a smudge of charcoal under his cheek.

"Xander?" Angel asked, arching an eyebrow. Xander smiled as he felt a sort of warmth begin to trickle in through the icy numbness of the last few hours. Strange how so short a time could begin to feel like years. He reached up a hand and gently wiped the pencil mark from Angel's face. Angel grinned and stepped aside, motioning him in. Xander picked up his pack and headed in. It had been a few weeks since he'd been here, and he was pleasantly surprised to find the place clean, with no lingering smell of alcohol or tobacco like there used to be.

"It cleans up nice," he commented.

"Yeah – after Spike came over to clear his stuff out, I figured it was about time to clean it out. It's…weird, it being just me here." Angel stepped forward, his large hand falling gently on Xander's shoulder. "Xan…what's with the bag?" Xander turned, and Angel's large, dark eyes were full of concern as he took in the light bruise near Xander's eye.

"I…uh, talked to my parents," Xander said. He didn't elaborate. Angel's eyes darkened as his finger gently trailed over the bruise.

"What happened?"

"Nothing good," Xander said. He wrapped his arms around himself and nervously glanced around the apartment. It seemed bigger now that Spike and Drusilla were both gone, them and all their stuff.

"Spike told me what Drusilla did," Angel said. He stepped around so that Xander would have to look at him. "I'm so sorry, Xander; I didn't know that she would—"

"It was going to happen," Xander shrugged. Whether it was Drusilla or someone else or…well, it doesn't matter now. It happened."

"So, I guess your parents weren't exactly thrilled with the idea." Xander snorted out loud, startled into laughter at the blasé remark.

"You could say that," he muttered. "They want to send me to a camp this summer, before they ship me off to Liberty U."

"Jesus," Angel muttered. Xander shot him a reproachful look by reflex and Angel actually blushed. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Xander said. His fingers were fiddling with themselves nervously, and he clenched them together to stop them.

"Are you…running away?" Angel asked, surveying Xander's duffle.

"That was the general plan when I left," Xander nodded, trying to sound casual about the roaring sensation of fear at the thought of what he was about to do. "I've got some money saved up; it should be enough to get me wherever I land."

"So you have no idea where you're going," Angel stated.

"No," Xander sighed. "I just…gotta get out of here."

"And what about Willow, and Tara and Buffy?" Angel asked. Xander heard the trembling in his voice and heard the unspoken _What about _me_?_ that Angel wouldn't give voice to.

"Angel…I love my friends. They're like my family, really they are. But I can't stay here just for them. I don't have a _life_ here, in this miserable little town with all its miserable little people who don't…who can't…God, I hate this place!" Xander felt a rush of anger, suddenly, at the world, or at least as much of it as he knew. Sunnydale was all that he'd known, really – stifled.

"Xander, it's okay," Angel said softly. He took Xander's hand in his own, but he didn't say anything else. Xander exploded.

"It's too fucking _much_, being like _this_, like a _freak_ in this stifling little town where everyone wants me to be this perfect picture of the golden boy! I hate it here; god, I hate that school and all the kids in it and the way that they…my _father_, he just can't…I can't…I hate this place and I hate everyone in it, damn it!"

Somehow he'd ended up folded in Angel's arms like he was being anchored to earth, and he just shuddered, feeling some of the massive bitterness start to seep out. Xander felt ashamed. "I'm sorry," he said lamely, not meeting Angel's eyes. He stepped out of the embrace, picking at his fingers.

"It's okay, Xan," Angel insisted. "You have more right than anyone to be angry."

"But that's not why I'm here," Xander insisted. "I came to…God, it's so stupid." Xander's cheeks flamed and Angel stared at him curiously.

"Look, I'm leaving," Xander started over. "I guess you figured that out. But before I go…there was something…Angel, what I feel for you I don't even think I can understand, much less spell into words. So I…what I want…Iwantyoutomakelovetome," he finished in a rush.

"What?" Angel asked, taken aback. "What did you just say?"

"Angel…I want you to make love to me," Xander repeated, a little louder, trying to slow down, to take a breath and keep calm. Angel's eyes widened comically, and Xander felt an urge to begin to laugh hysterically.

"Xander…" Angel began. He glanced around, everywhere but at Xander, and ran his hands through his hair. "I don't think that's such a good idea."

"Why not?" Xander asked. There was a sliver of hurt running through the sheer nerves that seemed to have taken over the butterflies in his stomach. "Do you…do you not want—"

"_No!_" Angel said forcefully, looking him in the eye at last. "Xander, I want you. I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone in my _life_! It's just…you don't want it. Not like this."

"What do you mean?" Xander demanded. He took a step forward, but Angel didn't step back. He just met his gaze head-on. "I know what I want. I just…I need this, with you. I need you to be…" He broke off, breaking the stare. He couldn't handle the gentle understanding in Angel's eyes. He'd just wanted this so much, wanted…he couldn't even explain it.

"I know what you're feeling, Xander," Angel said gently. "But I'm not going to be your goodbye fuck." The crude words made Xander flinch, and Angel's hands held his shoulders, trapping him in place. "I felt like this, with Darla. But take it from me—sex doesn't make you a man. It doesn't make you grow up, it doesn't teach you anything. When I was…like this. What I wanted…it hurt. And I didn't feel any different, I just felt more open and scared than before. I'll never do that to you, or anyone else.

"I don't want to fuck you, Xander," he continued, moving closer, brushing his lips over Xander's forehead. "I want to make love to you. I want us to be together when we're ready, when there's nothing else but the two of us."

"I just…I thought…" Xander buried his head in Angel's chest. He was so tired, confused, exhausted, finished. There was nothing but the safe circle of Angel's hold, nothing that he could cling to but Angel's love.

"Come here, love," Angel murmured. Conquered, Xander allowed himself to be led back to the bedroom where so much badness had begun, where everything had fallen apart. Now, however, the red sheets were gone. There was art everywhere, and yes, there was Darla and Drusilla and Spike, and even Xander himself, a portrait that was half-finished.

"Angel…" Angel kissed the words away, kissed the worry and the hurt away. Xander trembled at the warmth of the kiss – not the heat of lust or the bitterness of anger, but just warmth, tickling through his senses and erasing so much of that awful, awful day.

They fell into the bed together, wrapped in each other, every point of their bodies touching each other, but fully clothed, fully chaste. Angel's lips rested against Xander's forehead and Xander kissed his love into Angel's skin. _Angel was right_, he thought drowsily in the candlelight as they slept together.

***

_We were sitting 'round a dying fire_

_Somebody lit incense_

_Somebody lit a cigarette_

_And passed the bottle around_

_It was just strawberry season_

_Backbreaking pickers in the patches_

_Everything's burning down to ashes_

_And down to the ground_

When Xander woke up it was still dark outside. He checked the little clock by Angel's bed and it ticked to 5:30. Xander smiled gently at the ticking; of course, Angel was so old-fashioned that he wouldn't have a digital clock in the place. Turning, he saw Angel stretched out next to him, still fully-clothed, his strong arms wrapped around Xander's waist. In slumber, there was a peace, a childlike innocence to him that he'd lost in the waking world.

Thinking of last night, Xander gently placed his lips to Angel's broad forehead. _I want to make love to you_, he'd said. Xander didn't think he'd ever woken up feeling so contented, so safe and warm and loved. He felt washed in Angel's love, like he could climb a mountain and shout to the hilltops that he belonged to Angel and Angel belonged to him. How could he leave this behind?

But what was there for him here, other than Angel? He thought of the TV shows and books that Buffy and Cordelia (and Willow, not that she'd ever admit it) liked to read, how the hero or heroine gave up their entire lives for their love. It made the girls sigh, and it was a nice idea on paper, but Xander knew already that that couldn't be him. There was just too much _life_ to live outside of Sunnydale. He wouldn't stay, not just for Angel.

He had a thought of what Angel would think of it. Would Angel move on? Find someone else? Would it be Buffy again? Xander felt a blade of jealousy and sorrow stab through him at the thought. But that would be the risk. He couldn't stay, and if he couldn't stay, he couldn't lay claim to Angel's heart. He turned his eyes away from Angel and found them falling on the portrait of Darla's grave that he'd seen before.

"_I felt like this, with Darla. But take it from me—sex doesn't make you a man. It doesn't make you grow up, it doesn't teach you anything. It just makes you more open and scared than before,"_ Angel had said. There had been such a wealth of pain in his eyes at the thought. Did he regret not making love to Angel, giving in to Angel's request that they wait? If this was the last chance he'd get, then maybe he would, somewhere down the line. But he couldn't regret this last night, or the choice to not do it. Instead of sex, he'd shared something _better_, inexplicably, with Angel.

As if sensing eyes on him, Angel's eyes opened, still dreamy with sleep. He smiled at seeing Xander in his arms, that sleepy innocence still lingering around his handsome face as he drowsily tightened his arms around Xander's form. Xander closed his eyes and allowed himself to just enjoy the simple hug for a moment.

"Do you know where you're going yet?" Angel asked softly, breaking the silence.

"I have an idea of somewhere I'd like to go," Xander answered, squeezing Angel's larger hand in his. He was surprised to find Angel trembling slightly. It dawned on him that through everything, he'd become accustomed to Angel being the strong one, that he, Xander, had needed to be taken care of. Now, though, it was going both ways. He rested his lips on Angel's forehead, trying to convey strength through his touch.

"I don't want you to leave," Angel muttered.

"I have to, though," Xander said softly. "I love you, more than anything, I know that now. And Buffy, and Willow and Tara and Cordy…but that's all there is. I can't stay here, not near my parents or this stupid, stifling little town. I've gotta get out and _live_ while I can."

"I know that," Angel said. "I felt the same way, when I left Galway. I'm just selfish. I wish you could stay here with me."

"I wish that I could take you with me," Xander returned with a challenging grin.

"I can't just leave," Angel said with a sad smile. "I've gotta finish what I started here – the therapy, the college. I've got some job offers for my stuff."

"Good," Xander said. Angel's arms tightened imperceptibly around Xander's form, and then he was letting go, as if it had been rehearsed. Xander stretched the kinks out of his back as he stood up on stiff legs. His eyes fell on the sketch of himself he'd seen last night.

"It's not done yet," Angel said from behind him.

"I'll have to see it when it is," Xander said softly. "Do you think this is forever?"

"No," Angel said firmly. "We'll find each other."

_The sky pours out Biblical rain_

_Then days so still the beauty gives you pain_

_The heat wave kills the green_

_Then she remains unseen_

_But colors up my dreams with all things blooming_

_This is not all there is_

_It's not a kingdom_

_It's not an angry God_

_It feels like her_

_She's saving me_

_I'm a very lost soul_

_I was born with a hole in my heart_

_As wide as my landlocked travels_.

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_Running Up That Hill by Placebo (Bones [Original Television Soundtrack])_

_She's Saving Me by Indigo Girls (Become You)_

**Note of interest – for some strange reason, I was listening to "No Man's Woman" by Sinéad O'Connor throughout much of this chapter, though it's not part of the soundtrack. Just throwin' that out there!**

**Once again, I'm SO sorry for keeping you waiting like this, but I should hopefully not be doing that anymore. Eek!**


	29. Chapter 28: Ghost of the Gang

**A/N:** Okay, guys – I decided to make this a two-chapter update because I haven't been posting in so long. I'd like to give credit where it's due: I just bought the Indigo Girls' latest CD, _Poseidon and the Bitter Bug_. Naturally, it was absolutely amazing (and I got the deluxe edition that featured a second disc made up of entirely acoustic sessions – _c'est grande!_), and it fueled quite a bit of this chapter.

**Note on the Story:** We're entering the home stretch, people, in case you hadn't figured that out. I can tentatively (yet still!) state that we've got five more chapters after this one, plus an epilogue, and then that's it for this story. I've learned to not make any promises about the regularity of updates, but hopefully it won't take me too much longer.

Special thanks to all of you who stuck with me for this long, and I hope the end is worth the wait. With that out of the way, let's get down to:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 28: Ghost of the Gang

_Tonight I'm gonna take that ride_

_For the years we missed and the friends that died_

_Side-swiped baby on the road, somehow_

_With a pack of dreams that just weren't allowed_

_Maybe you're walking down some hall all quiet and sad_

_Or sittin' in the dark all scared and mad_

_Feel my hand reach across and don't forget where we come from, baby_

'_Cuz there's truth in it_

_Yeah, we huddled against the cold in those days_

_By the light of a fire in a prep rally haze_

_With a smokin' lounge pass and a reason for livin'_

_No matter how hard it got, we wouldn't give in_

_My friends, it's been years_

_Since I've seen anyone or cried these tears_

_Now I'm sittin' here in the dark_

_Stallin' out in my car_

_Wishin' I could bum a ride from the ghost of the gang tonight_

"Ghost of the Gang" by Indigo Girls (_Poseidon and the Bitter Bug_)

The Sunnydale Bus Station had once been a horrible place; it smelled like piss and the few homeless denizens of Sunnydale had flocked there at night, leaving their body odor behind. However, the Church had led a clean-up program through the older parts of town. The Bus Station had gotten a makeover, and now it shone. It wasn't much, but it was as good a place to start as any. Xander tucked his cross securely inside his shirt and walked in.

"Good morning," said the receptionist up at the counter. She was the only person in there, other than a bored-looking security guard. Xander didn't recognize her, which was likely a miracle in Sunnydale, and he smiled as he headed up.

"Morning," he said brightly. "I need a bus ticket."

"Where to?"

"Phoenix, Arizona," he answered.

"We've got a bus making a trip through Arizona that leaves before noon today. It'll make a stop in Phoenix, but I think it's heading for Tucson," she said absently, checking her computer.

"How much?" he asked, digging through his bag for his wallet.

"To make the extra stop, it'll be $120 for the ticket," she said, printing out his receipt. He nodded and forked it over, signing it when she gave it to him. She didn't seem flustered that he paid with cash, and she didn't ask for ID. Although he was grateful he didn't have to think of a lie, he wondered if she should have her job if security was this lax. _Then again, this is Sunnydale – what exactly is she supposed to be on guard for?_

"Thanks," he said as he gave her the papers.

"Enjoy your trip, and have a nice day," she said with another absent smile as she went back to perusing a fashion magazine under her desk. The way her eyes were drooping, he hoped she either had some coffee or her shift ended soon. He headed for the section of the station she'd indicated, where Sunnydale's two buses waited – one bound for the north or the south, the other headed east.

Phoenix, Arizona – somewhere Xander had always wanted to visit. The Valley of the Sun, one of the hottest places on earth. He could go to the desert, where Angel had shown him it was pure and hot and unchanging. In a town named after the mythical bird reborn from the ashes again and again, Xander prayed that he could find hope and new beginnings.

The sun rose slowly over Sunnydale that morning, and Xander stared around with an odd sense of nostalgia as the lazy summer air shifted in the quiet breeze. In the distance he could see the playground where he and Willow had played doctor, so long ago. And beyond that there was the school, where he'd met Buffy, and where he'd met Spike, and beyond that was the Bronze, where he'd met Angel and where he'd been free for those short, short summer nights that had been his.

This was home, as hateful and stifling as it could be. It was where he'd been born and where he'd once thought he would die, where he'd lived and prayed and dreamed and laughed and all the myriad reflections of the sun's light that made up a human's life. It was strange to consider how much force of memory had built up in so short a time – seventeen years, a blink in the eyes of God. _Life is so short_, he thought as he sat down.

When the shadow fell across him, he blinked. It took him a moment to see that it was a human being. He looked up and there, of all people, was Cordelia Chase, smiling down at him with her eyebrows quirked. Xander was thoroughly convinced that no one's face was as expressive as Cordy's – she managed to work whole sentences into one look. This one read 'I was worried and I'm glad that I found you.'

"Hey, Cordy," he said calmly.

"I've been trying to find you for a while – well, we all have," she said as she sat down on the bench. "I guess I didn't want to look here for a while, because none of us wanted to know that you really were just going to leave without saying goodbye, you insensitive ass."

"Okay, I suppose I could have said _something_," Xander said, blushing.

"Oh, don't start with the guilt," she said, waving her hands around. "I have enough of that going around. You should _see_ Willow and Buffy – 'Oh, god, I'm such a bad friend!' 'Why didn't I know?' It's so melodramatic around school today you'd think someone shook up a can of soap opera and sprayed them in the face," Cordelia said scornfully.

"Ah, but _you_ seem to have escaped it," Xander noted.

"Well, I've been too tired to really get caught up in it," she explained. "I knew that this was coming sooner or later. I've been _working_." She shuddered eloquently.

"Oh, poor you," Xander said, smirking.

"Shut up," she said with a grin. "You have no idea how humiliating it is for a _Chase_ to have to wear a _name tag_! And the _green_ they're putting me in! The reason I _applied_ to a boutique in the first place was because I figured I'd at least be surrounded by _fashion_ in my misery! Now I just have to convince the manager that neon is _not_ this season's new pink, and I'll be fine."

"I have complete faith in your ability to take control at work," Xander assured her, squeezing her hand.

"Hostile takeover – you never see it coming when she's smiling at you," Cordelia answered, squeezing back. "So, where are you going?"

"If I told you that, it wouldn't be an adventure," Xander answered.

"Fine, be that way," she said with an elegant roll of her eyes. "I have to go call the others and get this drama show on the road. Promise you'll still be here when I get back?"

"My bus doesn't leave till noon," he said, glancing at the clock. They still had about an hour, and the station was slowly starting to fill with people – about ten or so were now waiting with him. Cordelia nodded and hurried into the station to find a phone, and Xander stared out at the morning sun. Okay, so it had been somewhat cowardly to want to avoid this conversation, but also…well, it was going to hurt no matter what way he sliced it. So instead of dreading the confrontation he didn't think about it for the next fifteen minutes, until Cordelia (looking extremely exasperated) reappeared with Buffy, Willow, Tara, and Spike in tow.

_I've seen like a bird what pleasures the surface can bring_

_I've lost my best craft going foolishly back to where the sirens sing_

_I stared up at the place where the water meets the sky_

_And thought I'd stopped breathing, I still believed I should try_

_Maybe a boat in search of lost treasures would pass by_

"Jerk!" Buffy yelled, and punched him hard in the arm.

"That's going to bruise!" Xander protested, rubbing the sore spot.

"Good," she said venomously.

"Buffy," Spike said with a chuckle. "You're hot when you're fiery, love." Everyone turned to stare at him. "Alright, it was lame! I'd like to see _you_ lot do better." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Xander…are you really leaving?" Willow asked tearfully.

"Yeah, Wills," Xander said gently. She gave him a watery smile.

"I kinda figured. I just wish you would have _said_ something!"

"Yeah! You had all of us worried! We were looking for you _everywhere_!" Buffy seemed bent on continuing in her self-righteous anger.

"_I_ wasn't worried," Spike said. "I told them you'd be at Angel's if you weren't at your parents." Xander blushed. "See?" Spike said triumphantly. Buffy shot him a death glare.

"You spent the night at _Angel's_?" Tara asked, interested.

"Well, not when you make it sound all _dirty_ like that," Xander protested. "Nothing happened! Really!"

"I believe him," Cordelia said. "I'd know if he wasn't innocent anymore."

"How d'you figure?" Willow asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"Shut up," Cordelia suggested, studying her manicure.

They all shared a smile, and Xander felt a pang go through his heart at the _comfort_ of all this. They were best friends – they'd shared everything together, from hopes to crushes to dreams to fears. It was almost unthinkable that he'd be giving all of this up…and yet. And yet what he'd said to Angel was true; he _couldn't_ let his friends _or_ Angel tie him to this place any longer. He had too much life in him to live it out _here_, in Sunnydale.

"Well, come here," Buffy said, pulling him into a hug. The other transitory people at the bus stop smiled as the group fell into a sort of cuddle puddle, with Xander crushed in the middle. When they broke up they all discreetly wiped their eyes and pretended not to notice the others doing the same thing: the Gang, united for perhaps the last time in this one perfect SoCal moment.

'_Cause the fleet of hope is so pretty when she's shining in the port_

_And the harbor clings to the jetty for protection and support_

_Out in the choppier waters the sharks swim and play_

_You're all washed up when Poseidon has his day_

"Sorry for the lameness, but when Cordelia called we had to scramble," Spike said, and he held out a book for Xander.

"A _Star Trek_ Watcher's Guide!" Xander exclaimed, clutching it to his chest. "How did you _find_ this one?"

"Well, I was savin' it for your birthday, but I figured it'd make good reading material for your trip," Spike said, shuffling his feet.

"Thank you!" Xander whooped.

"Well, we got you this," Willow said, and she and Tara handed him a $50 gift card to McDonald's. "So you can have plenty of fatty burger goodness when you land."

"And _I_ smuggled this out of Syder's office," Buffy said triumphantly. She pulled out a purloined copy of Sunnydale High's 1999 yearbook, which they hadn't gotten yet.

"Buffy!" Xander shook his head, but he took the book. He grinned down at his new belongings. "Thanks, guys."

"Well, that's not _all_," Cordelia said impatiently. "Like I'd be the only one without a present! I, unlike you, have _class_," she sniffed.

"Ah, go—" Buffy started, but Spike gently clasped a hand over her mouth and she subsided without much fuss. Cordelia reached into her purse and held out…a check, for $500 dollars.

"Guys," Xander said, stunned. "I can't take this!"

"Oh, relax," Cordelia said. "We all pitched in, so none of us are too short for it right now. Besides, there's all kinds of stuff you're going to need, and this'll help you."

"But you only get it if you swear on everything you hold dear that you'll call as soon as you get where you're going," Willow said sternly. "And if you break the promise you have to swear you'll do the Bloody Mary in front of the mirror!"

"Willow! We made a pact to never speak of it again!" Xander gasped. When they'd been in elementary school, she, Xander, and a few other kids had heard the Bloody Mary urban legend and decided to try it. When they went in front of the mirror and chanted _Bloody Mary_ three times, they'd spun themselves in a circle. Willow said later that the spinning was what caused it, but they all swore they saw a ghost and Xander had been so scared that he'd wet himself, much to everyone's embarrassment.

"Well, desperate times and all," Willow said, trying to hide a smile (and failing).

"Fine," Xander said in his most put-upon voice.

"You never told me that story," Buffy said interestedly.

"Or me," Tara put in with a smirk of her own.

"And it's going to _stay_ that way," Xander said darkly. Willow laughed as they shook solemnly on it, and then there was more hugging. They didn't need many more words, the six of them – it was enough to be there, together, under the California sun, free for a moment from the worries of the future.

But then the tone rang that signaled his bus was getting ready to leave. "Better get a good seat while you can," Buffy said lightly. They all squeezed one last time, and then they were breaking apart.

"I love you guys, more than anything – you know that, right?" Xander asked urgently.

"Of course, idiot," Willow said softly. "We'll wait for your phone call."

"I'll call," he assured her, tucking the check into his pocket. They stepped back, drinking in the sight of each other, and then Xander was boarding the bus in a sort of daze. The driver took his ticket and nodded, and Xander went towards the back to claim a window seat. The sparseness of the passengers ensured him no unwanted company, at least for now, so he rolled down his window and waved as the bus pulled away, until his friends disappeared into the hot summer sun, a perfect snapshot of childhood rolled away in the drawer of memory.

_Well, I'd rather walk a winding road_

_I'd rather know the things I know_

_To see the world with my own eyes—_

_No regrets, no looking back, no good-byes_

_No good-byes_

Xander's parents popped into mind, and he wondered whether or not they'd found his note yet. It didn't really matter; there was nothing they could do about it anyway. He found himself praying that they'd be alright. _God, send your angels around my family. Let them see your light and be happy_, he prayed, feeling his grandmother's cross around his chest.

_Well, someday I'll go_

_Where there ain't no rain or snow_

_Till then, I travel alone_

_And I make my bed_

_With the stars above my head_

_And I dream of a place called 'home'_

His next prayer was for his friends. _God, give them peace and love and serenity. Let them live their lives as they're supposed to, and give them success and happiness and everything that they deserve. Give them love_, he prayed. Finally, he thought of Angel, of his strength and beauty and the power of his love, what he'd given Xander last night. _God, I love him so much…let him be happy. Whatever that means, for whoever that means, just let him be happy_.

_And someday I'll go_

_Where there ain't no rain or snow_

_And dream of a place called 'home'_

And then the bus was picking up speed, and the California air was blowing strong in his face as they passed a little green sign that read _You are now leaving Sunnydale – Come back soon!_ Xander turned his thoughts away from the past and toward a future that was seeming brighter for all of its mystery than any assurances he may have had in that tiny town called Sunnydale.

_Dear Mom and Dad—_

_I love you. Before I say anything else I should say that. You taught me to be good and to learn and to love God, and I've always loved and respected you, even when we disagree on things. I'm sorry that it had to be this way, but I can't do anything else. I'll die where you want to send me, maybe not like graveyard dead but I won't be _Xander_ anymore and I don't know what's worse._

_I won't tell you where I'm going but I'll call when I get wherever there is. I'll let you know that I'm alright, but I want you to know that I'm already alright. You gave me that – a head on my shoulders and how to know right and wrong and well, morals and all that good stuff. I wish that we couldn't have fought, but maybe…well, it doesn't matter now._

_One last thing – I made this decision on my own, so whoever you want to blame, don't – blame me. But I hope that you don't blame anyone; I hope that you're happy and healthy and strong, and that's the most that I can ask God for every day._

_Love, Xander._

**Songs used in this chapter:**

_Ghost of the Gang by Indigo Girls (Poseidon and the Bitter Bug)_

_Fleet of Hope by Indigo Girls (Poseidon and the Bitter Bug)_

_A Place Called Home by Kim Richey (Rise __**or**__ Angel: Live Fast, Die Never [Original TV Soundtrack])_


	30. Chapter 29: Winter Song

**A/N:** Okay, I know, it's not the longest thing ever, but it actually took me a surprisingly long time to write this chapter. It's fairly emotional but in the good way! In any case, this chapter is important as it sets up the next chapters, but I would like to assure you all that we catch right back up with Xander and Angel in the next few chapters.

_This chapter is lovingly dedicated to all of you who this story might have touched, for whatever reason. You're part of the reason that I'm writing this – God bless, and until next time!_

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

_Winter Song_

Chapter 29: Winter Song

Snow had never fallen in Sunnydale before that winter. It was blisteringly cold for the entire month of December, culminating in a sort of magical snowfall on Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning. Those looking out of their windows felt as if God had blessed them with a sort of magic, that they could see this. People of all ages were running out with their children to make snow angels, snow men, sleds and snowballs. There was a sort of blanket of peace over the town, an entire community joined in the magic of Christmas.

_This is my winter song to you_

_The storm is coming soon—_

_It rose up from the sea_

_My voice a beacon in the night_

_My words will be your light_

_To carry you to me_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love—_

Life moved on in Sunnydale, though things were never the same. Jessica and Tony Harris closed the Church of Sunnydale. Jessica sent a letter in to the Sunnydale Herald announcing that they were taking a sabbatical of sorts. Rumors swirled that Tony had fallen off the alcoholic bandwagon, so to speak, but the graduating class of Sunnydale High weren't too keen on rumors anymore, so there wasn't much scandal.

The graduation had been a simple ceremony that summer, and Joyce Summers (much to her surprise and Buffy's panic) had been nominated to speak before the ceremony rather than Principle Snyder. There had been an empty seat left in the H row, and the students respectfully walked past it.

"_This has been the end of not just a journey, but an era," Joyce said softly. "You are no longer children – not yet adults, either. You've been shoved out of the strange little world that high school is and suddenly you're expected to be able to do it all on your own. Never forget where you came from – your friends, your loves, your hates, your family. In the end, after everything, it's all you have to hold on to."_

Jessica could be seen moving silently through daily tasks – tending the house, shopping for groceries. She moved like an angel, sad and ethereal, but still standing strong. She didn't abandon life the way her husband seemed to. She instead continued to participate in her community, helping with the food pantry, handing out Bibles to the poor, volunteering at the shelter.

The day the snow came, Jessica followed the teenagers from the center she was helping with and held her hands out, catching snowflakes on her tongue. She remembered a different time, so similar and yet so strange compared to this, when she and Tony and Xander had taken a family vacation to see her grandparents in West Virginia. It had snowed that Christmas. Xander, delighted, had insisted on dragging his parents out in their pajamas to watch him spin in circles until he was so dizzy he nearly fell.

The teardrops froze on her cheeks beneath her tranquil smile.

_They say that things just cannot grow_

_Beneath the winter snow_

_Or so I have been told_

_They say we're very far_

_Just like a distant star_

_I simply cannot hold_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

Spike helped Angel close the apartment. It sold around the beginning of December, finally. Before the new tenants moved in, Willow and Tara moved through the house with incense and candles, throwing the windows open and cleaning all the "bad energy" from it. Angel wasn't sure if he believed them, but there was a sort of lightness to the apartment after the ritual that he hadn't felt since Xander had departed that fateful morning.

"Where are you going?" Spike had asked him after they'd loaded the last box into Angel's trunk.

"I'm going to an art school I found in Virginia," Angel said calmly. "They have a two-year degree I can go for that'll qualify me for all different kinds of careers."

"Sounds like something you'll enjoy," Spike acknowledged.

Angel snorted and pulled him into an embrace. Spike stood stiff for a moment, but he melted into the hug. Once, they'd been lovers, at once friends and also bitterest enemies. As the snow started falling around them, it seemed to melt away. Angel knew that he'd always hold Spike in his heart, just like Drusilla, but he'd moved past that unhealthy part where he couldn't let Spike go.

"Pouf," Spike opined as they split. Angel laughed and held his tongue out to catch the snowflakes.

_This is my winter song_

_December never felt so wrong_

'_Cause you're not where you belong_

_Here in my arms_

Buffy, Willow, Tara and Cordelia started their first year at University of Sunnydale together. After a minor wrinkle wherein Buffy either killed her roommate or Cathy ran away (it depended on who you asked), Buffy and Willow settled in as roommates, leaving Cordelia and Tara to bunk together. Cordelia sighed one morning over lunch and declared, "I've become your lesbian chastity belt."

Tara went red and almost snorted her mashed potatoes as Willow glared at Buffy, who was laughing so hard she'd nearly fallen off her chair. "Parker," Willow said sweetly. Buffy glared at her sourly and skewered her baked potato with a fork, muttering viciously.

"You've been hanging around Cordelia too much," Tara accused after she'd re-caught her breath. Cordelia looked flattered.

On Christmas Day, Willow and Tara packed up their store (which was beginning to pick up major business, just as they'd predicted) and headed to the Summers house, where Buffy and Joyce had lit a fire in their usually empty fireplace in celebration of the cold. Buffy's new boyfriend Riley stood awkwardly in the corner, still unsure (though this could have been due to the fact that the last time he'd spoken to Willow she'd threatened to beat him to death with a shovel should he ever hurt Buffy).

Cordelia had come in late with a fixed expression on her face. She nailed a stocking with the name "Xander" painted on it in fabric paint over the fireplace next to the rest of them. They all stood quietly for a moment, before Joyce said "Pumpkin pie," in a firm voice, taking them all to the kitchen.

Spike and Buffy had taken a break after she'd graduated, and when asked, they'd both said that it had gotten too serious too soon. After Drusilla for Spike and Angel for Buffy, they weren't looking for something so intense. Riley Finn had been an unexpected gift, a solid Iowa farm boy with old-fashioned values who gave Buffy as much space and time as she needed. Joyce approved, of course, but everyone knew she was thinking of lovely little blond grandchildren in her future.

Spike, for his part, had met an extremely free-spirited girl named Faith Lehane. Faith was a toughie who'd grown up in Boston and been sent to Sunnydale for a therapeutic family, just as Spike had once upon a time. None of them had ever asked what had sent her there, but she seemed to be moving past it. She'd also managed to convince the staff at UC Sunnydale to let her try out for the boxing team, and she was one of their major contenders this year.

Now, Spike laughed with more energy than he'd ever remembered having around Christmastime since his mother had died, and he sprayed his pie with whipped cream while Buffy made fun of the way he said "whip" and Cordelia tried her best to get them talking about her incurring stardom. They all groaned as Riley regaled them with Christmas stories "back on the farm," and Willow and Tara whispered to each other as their hands stayed clasped underneath the table. Joyce sat at the head, the surrogate mother of Sunnydale.

Funny, how they had all become Xander's family in a way that none of them had ever had _family_ before – well, except maybe Buffy, but Joyce seemed to be _everyone's_ mother.

_I still believe in summer days_

_The seasons always change_

_And life will find a way_

_I'll be your harvester of light_

_And send it out tonight_

_So we can start again_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

The letters went to Joyce's mailbox, once a month without fail. Xander never wrote where he was, but it was sunny and he was tan. He also sent pictures – one of him doing a charity calendar posing as a "Hard Hat Hunk" (you could still see him blushing despite the tan). He sounded healthy and happy, and he was working as a construction worker. He wrote that he enjoyed building things, seeing how his hard work with his bare hands could put a roof over someone's head. Although he worked for money, he volunteered much of his time at Habitat for Humanity.

The gang all grouped together at Joyce's house to read them, and sometimes they'd get a letter from Angel as well, who was excelling at his school. Angel sent them pictures of his new apartment and of some of the prints he was working on as part of an art project that featured new artists at a local museum.

Although neither of them wrote about the other, it wasn't hard to read between the lines.

_This is my winter song_

_December never felt so wrong_

'_Cause you're not where you belong_

_Inside my arms_

_This is my winter song to you_

_The storm is coming soon_

_It rose up from the sea_

_My love a beacon in the night_

_My words will be your light_

_To carry you to me_

Sunnydale was a changed place, Buffy reflected after everyone had gone to bed. She'd crept back out to the porch to watch the snow fall, staring in wonder at the beautiful crystals that somehow managed to elicit a hush from the world, as if the sound hadn't been deadened so much as faded, letting the world experience a breath of silence, of peace.

The cold reminded her of the days when her parents had fought and she'd escaped to the ice rink with her skates. She'd been so innocent then, so casually cruel and unaware of anything that she did other than shopping.

The town had grown, in a way, maybe not as a result from the dramas that had played out that fateful year at Sunnydale High, but as awareness grew from darkness. The old gossips still chattered on, but suddenly it wasn't as important to know everything about your neighbors. Maybe there weren't many secrets in Sunnydale, but the stifling abilities of the town were seeming to fade.

A week ago Riley had taken her to Weatherly Park, which she hadn't been to in a while. They'd had a picnic, something simple under the sun, and Buffy had taken a moment to marvel at the screams of children who were no longer hushed as they ran roughshod over the grass and the playground.

Maybe, in the end, that was the gift of this snowfall – a silence and a peace to wipe away the rest of the sorrow. She had a sudden hunger for spring to arrive. She couldn't wait to see what new growth would bloom after the thaw had washed away the coldness of Sunnydale.

The door creaked behind her and Buffy turned to see Riley staring at her quizzically. She smiled softly. At first, when she'd met Riley, he had just been fun. He was so simple, so easy to please. There was something almost intoxicating about the ease with which she could bring a smile to his face. Riley didn't demand anything from her, and at first that had made her unsure.

Now Buffy knew that he'd carefully shaped a Riley-hole in her heart that was different than anything she'd experienced. He was a keeper, was Riley, and she knew that that patient smile would do him good in the future as she placed her hands contemplatively over her midriff, still shapely. For now.

"What are you doing?" he asked softly.

"Listening to angels singing," she returned, whispering as the snows. He smiled and held her in his big, strong arms, and Buffy knew love in that moment. _And that_, she thought_, is the greatest gift God could ever have given us – something that Xander understood so well._

"_This has been the end of not just a journey, but an era," Joyce said softly. "You are no longer children – not yet adults, either. You've been shoved out of the strange little world that high school is and suddenly you're expected to be able to do it all on your own. Never forget where you came from – your friends, your loves, your hates, your family. In the end, after everything, it's all you have to hold on to."_

_In the end_, Buffy thought, _family is enough_. As Riley held her, she waited for the sun to rise to dazzle off the diamonds that fell all around them. _Thank you, Xander_.

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

_Is love alive?_

**Songs used in this chapter:**

"_Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson (The Hotel Café Presents Winter Songs)_

_**Not featured, but played in my head: "Best I Ever Had" by Vertical Horizon (Everything You Want)**_


	31. End Note and Sequel Information

Buffy the Vampire Slayer:

_Winter Song_

End Note and Sequel Information

Yes, you heard me! Sequel!

I've been gone from this story for a very long time now, because of various factors – graduation and then starting the next step to school, exams, and writer's block – that I didn't realize until I was getting worse and worse writer's block what was wrong: the stories that still needed to be told in the _Winter Song_ universe were an entirely new story! Once I'd realized that, I suddenly had a prologue, a first chapter, and the beginnings of a new soundtrack. It was actually so easy to do that it frustrated me toward myself.

Anyway, the sequel to _Winter Song_ will be titled _Crystal_, and it will be released in the next week or so. All the pertinent information regarding _Crystal_ will be released in the opening note alongside the prologue, so we're going to focus this endnote on what it's supposed to be focused on: _Winter's Song_.

_Winter Song_ was, at its' start, a very short, very sexual story about Xander escaping his parents and also escaping Sunnydale. In fact, it is so different now from where it started that I will be including the initial one-shot story as a bonus chapter at the end of this! But, in case anyone hasn't noticed, I'm not so good at writing one-shot stories. I wanted to know more: why was Xander attracted to Angel, and why was this stressing him out so much? Why had he fought with his parents to the point of snapping and running away?

The answer, of course, was religion, which I didn't know until about the fifth chapter. In writing, as authors, we tend to reveal more about ourselves than we intend to in our writing. I'm part of an organized religion, but I realized that I was giving Xander a chance to tell his story about how he saw God's love, and how that can clash with our parents' view. I'm somewhat confident that doofy, loveable and loyal Xander from the actual Buffyverse would've reacted in much the same way that he would have in this universe, so it all turned out alright.

Writing _Winter Song_ became cathartic for me, writing about my own and my friends experiences with the gay issue in terms of religion, that it'd choke me up in certain scenes. But overall, I think that the message is valid – that God created and loves every creature, no matter how they were born or who they're attracted to, and that this love is just a taste of what human beings can find in each other in our short time here on Earth.

It was fun, really, to add bits and snippets of the Buffy/Angelverse in this story seen through a human perspective. I tried to be true to the characters, and if I stomped on one of your favorites along the way, I'll apologize now! But, really, this note is to say – thank you for sticking with me through this journey, which isn't quite over yet. Thanks to everyone who's emailed me or commented me to tell me that something in this story touched them, to those who enjoyed the music and those who didn't, and everyone in between.

As promised, the soundtrack will follow in the next post, and after that a bonus chapter, and then hopefully by the end of next week you guys will be able to see what happens to everyone else in this wacky world I'm playing in. Good night, and God bless.

Sincerely,

PyroPadawan (pfenix-goddess . Livejournal . com)


	32. Winter Song: The Complete Soundtrack

**A/N:** At last, the moment some of you have been waiting for! I love music, and using it was integral in my writing process for this story. For those of you who did enjoy the music and thought as I did that it added to the story, I've arranged the music into these five parts of a complete soundtrack. Each one is 18 songs long (save for the last one), and each one can be fit onto an 80-minute blank CD. I've included the original album that you can find each song on, and there are a couple of footnotes at the bottom for special songs.

Of course, there are a couple of albums that I drew inspiration from heavily, and I'll list those here:

**Bones [Original Television Soundtrack]**

**Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album [Original Television Soundtrack]**

**I'm Not Dead [Platinum Edition] – P!nk**

**Become You, and, Poseidon and the Bitter Bug – Indigo Girls**

With all of that out of the way, here is, finally:

_Winter Song_

The Complete Original Soundtrack to the Story

Compiled by Pfenix—Goddess (or, Pyro Padawan)

**Part I**

"Runaway" by P!nk [_I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition)_]

"What I Am" by Edie Brickell & New Bohemians [_The Ultimate Collection_]

"Cat Fight" by Dance Hall Crashers [_Purr_]

"Be My Escape" by Reliant K [_mmhmm_]

"Temptation Waits" by Garbage [_Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album_]

"Transylvanian Concubine" by Rasputina [_Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album_]

"Never an Easy Way" by Morcheeba [_Parts of the Process_]

"Overfire" by THC [_Adagio_]

"Never Alone" by BarlowGirl [_BarlowGirl_]

"Dirty Little Secret [Thievery Corporation Remix]" by Sarah McLachlan [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"Thank You" by Dido [_No Angel_]

"Virgin State of Mind" by K's Choice [_Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Album_]

"Champagne Supernova" by Oasis [_What's the Story (Morning Glory)?_]

"Brokenhearted" by Vaughan Penn [_Transcendence_]

"My Immortal" by Evanescence [_Fallen_]

"I Caught Myself" by Paramore [_Twilight (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_]

"I'll Try" by Jonatha Brooke [_Peter Pan: Return to Neverland (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_]

"Ave Mary A" by P!nk [_Funhouse_]

**Part II**

"Sing for Absolution" by Muse [_Absolution_]

"Come Round Soon" by Sara Bareilles [_Little Voice_]

"Angels Would Fall" by Melissa Etheridge [_Greatest Hits: The Road Less Traveled_]

"Fountain" by Sarah Lov [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"She Will Be Loved" by Maroon 5 [_Songs About Jane_]

"Other Side of the World" by KT Tunstall [_Eye to the Telescope_]

"It Means Nothing" by Stereophonics [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"Fine Again" by Seether [_Disclaimer II_]

"Heartbreaker" by P!nk [_I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition)_]

"CrushCrushCrush" by Paramore [_Riot!_]

"Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray [_How to Save a Life_]

"Apocalypse Please" by Muse [_Absolution_]

"Take Me Away" by Avril Lavigne [_Under My Skin_]

"The Longest Day" by Full Blown Rose*

"Doll Parts" by Hole [_Live Through This_]

"Reverie" by Megan McCauley [_Better Than Blood_]

"Bring on the Wonder" by Susan Enan (featuring Sarah McLachlan) [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"Moment of Forgiveness" by Indigo Girls [_Become You_]

**Part III**

"Uninvited" by Alanis Morissette [_The Collection_]

"Sally's Song" by Amy Lee [_Nightmare Revisited_]

"Everything Burns" by Anastacia (featuring Ben Moody) [_Pieces of a Dream_]

"Mean" by P!nk [_I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition)_]

"Deconstruction" by Indigo Girls [_Become You_]

"Needs" by Collective Soul [_Dosage_]

"Good Enough (Acoustic)" by Sarah McLachlan [_Felicity (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"Love Will Tear Us Apart" by Philistine [_Blood & Chocolate (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_]

"Feel It Now" by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"Who Knew" by P!nk [_I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition)_]

"Come to Me" by Megan McCauley [_Better Than Blood_]

"I'm Not Dead" by P!nk [_I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition)_]

"Touched" by VAST [_Visual Audio Sensory Theater_]

"Angel" by Sinead O'Connor [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"Somebody's Miracle" by Liz Phair [_Somebody's Miracle_]

"Still Life" by Patty Medina [_Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Radio __Sunnydale (UK Bonus Tracks)_]

"Black Star" by Eliza Lumley [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

"Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat [_Coco (Deluxe Edition)_]

**Part IV**

"Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind [_Third Eye Blind_]

"Wish You Were Here" by Incubus [_Morning View_]

"You Could Make a Killing" by Aimee Mann [_Cruel Intentions (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack_]

"Crystal Ball" by P!nk [_Funhouse_]

"It Doesn't Matter" by Alison Krauss & Union Station [_So Long So Wrong_]

"Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Tori Amos [_Crucify EP_]

"All of This Past" by Sarah Bettens [_Underworld (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_]

"Warning" by Incubus [_Morning View_]

"Who Knows" by Avril Lavigne [_Under My Skin_]

"Never Said" by Liz Phair [_Exile in Guyville_]

"Misery Business" by Paramore [_Riot!_]

"Wrong Way Out" by Megan McCauley [_Better Than Blood_]

"Let the Sun Fall Down" by Kim Richey [_Kim Richey_]

"Unbroken" by Missy Higgins [_Charmed: The Book of Shadows_]

"Unwanted" by Avril Lavigne [_Let Go_]

"Long Way to Happy" by P!nk [_I'm Not Dead (Platinum Edition)_]

"Missing" by Evanescence [_Anywhere But Home_]

"Running Up That Hill" by Placebo [_Bones (Original Television Soundtrack)_]

**Part V**

"She's Saving Me" by Indigo Girls [_Become You_]

"Ghost of the Gang" by Indigo Girls [_Poseidon and the Bitter Bug_]

"Fleet of Hope" by Indigo Girls [_Poseidon and the Bitter Bug_]

"A Place Called Home" by Kim Richey [_Rise_]

"Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson [_The Hotel Cafe Presents Winter Songs_]

"Wake Up (Where the Wild Things Are Trailer Version)" by Arcade Fire*^

"Halcyon + On + On" by Orbital [_Mortal Kombat (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)_]^

"Nara" by e s Posthumus [_Unearthed_]~

"Spellbound (from "Who Are You?")" by Christophe Beck [_Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Score_]~

"Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap [_Speak for Yourself_]~

*The Full Blown Rose song "The Longest Day" was never made available on an album. It's a fairly easy mp3 to find online by simply plugging in the artist and song title to an internet search engine.

**This version of "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire was remixed exclusively for the _Where the Wild Things Are_ trailer, and has since been made available on YouTube, which is where I downloaded my copy of it. I'm not sure where else it's available. If you like the original version better, then go for it!

^This song was used while I was writing the end note. Also, that was where I got "Halcyon + On + On;" please note that this is the remixed 'upbeat' version and is _not_ the original eleven minute long song simply titled "Halcyon" from Orbital's second album!

~This song was used in the bonus one-shot included at the end of _Winter Song_.


	33. Bonus Story: Rites of Passage

**_"Rites of Passage"_**

**A/N:** As some of you may be wondering, what the heck is this? This is the bonus chapter that I promised in the endnote. As I've said, _Winter Song_ is a story that evolved over time. Its humble origin was a simple Xander/Angel smut in which Xander effectively gets Angel to take his virginity as a final step to pushing him out the door as he runs far and fast from both his parents and Sunnydale.

As my readers know, this scene went down much differently in the actual story, and I'm glad that it did. Still, the final version of _Winter Song_ was just so radically different in feeling, tone, and resolution than this original story, so I thought it'd be a kick for you, the reader, to see this. Also, purely because all of the Angel/Xander action was strictly PG-13 throughout _Winter Song_, here's a little present for all the faithful slash readers out there.

**Warnings:** As I stated, this is a smutty little piece, and there is graphic depictions of sex between two men. If this bothers you, don't read it. Second, this is a deflowering scene. If this bothers you, don't read it. Third, again, this is _not_ part of the story _Winter Song_; it's the original idea that the story sprang from. It is not necessary and has been included as part of an Easter Egg for anyone who's interested.

_Rites of Passage_

by PyroPadawan (Pfenix-Goddess)

_Where are we?_

_What the hell is going on?_

_The dust has only just begun to fall_

_Crop circles in the carpet_

_A sinking feeling_

This fight was worse than any other and it was the icing on the cake as far as Xander Harris was concerned. He was done with this tiny little town and its tiny little people, with the way his father felt he could shove him around and get away with it, the way his mother would just crumple and let it happen. He frantically shoved whatever clothing occurred to him into his duffel bag. He packed some music that he didn't want to leave behind, and the comic books he'd collected, the few books he wanted, the money he'd earned and hidden from his parents so they wouldn't take it from him.

The last thing he packed was the picture, the one of him and Buffy and Willow underneath Buffy's oak tree. It had been snapped in happier times, before all of the shit had hit the fan and they were still as close as they used to be. That had been..._Hell_, Xander thought, and shoved it into the bag as well. Some memories were worth keeping. He sent the bag out of the window first before following it, nearly soundlessly with all of the practice. He set off toward Angel's and he didn't look back.

* * *

_Spin me round and rub my eyes—_

_This can't be happening_

_When busy streets_

_A mess with people would stop to hold_

_Their heads_

_Heavy_

Angel had first come into town about two years ago. Xander and Buffy and Willow had met him at the Bronze, shortly after Spike and Drusilla had gotten expelled from school (Buffy was celebrating, though Xander didn't know why; _any_ kind of action was better than none at all in Sunnydale High School, and they'd at least made the place interesting). He'd walked into the Bronze looking for Spike, actually. Xander's initial reaction was that Angel was very attractive, which was an understatement to say the very least.

Angel was tall, his face like a Greek statue, his body built, his hands large and graceful, his feet big enough and his step sure enough to let you know that he knew the attention he attracted and was confident enough in the size of his equipment to acknowledge it. He made Xander's head spin, which Xander was careful to not let Willow or Buffy know.

It wasn't the first time that Xander had been attracted to a guy, much as he'd tried to ignore the other times. It hadn't worked then, either. There was something different about Angel, though; he wasn't just looks, he was mystery and fantasy come together. Xander may have fell in love with him then; he wasn't sure. Buffy did, from the way she told it. She boldly went over to flirt with him while Xander watched helplessly, too much of a coward to do anything about what he was feeling.

Angel kept showing up after that, and each time he did Xander would resent the hell out of him because he'd notice something else about Angel that was attractive. Angel was smart, well-read, and he could draw as well. He was just bumbling enough to make him that sexy gentle-giant kind, and he was tall, which Xander was a sucker for. If Angel would at least have had the grace to be an arrogant asshole about how attractive he was, then Xander could've forgiven him. But Angel didn't seem to register that, either.

Xander wanted to hate Angel. Angel had come at the worst time – the fights with his parents were getting worse and worse, and he was fighting back more and more. The neighbors were all watching. Just let his parents find out that they had a faggot for a son. He'd be kicked into a 'change' camp faster than he could say "no way," and with far less grace. Xander wanted to believe that he could've stayed happily in the closet were it not for this big gorgeous lug who went out of his way to include Xander in the conversation even when Buffy and Willow seemed to forget that he was there.

* * *

_Hide and seek_

_Trains and sewing machines_

_All those years—_

_They were here first_

Spike and Drusilla were characters, to say the least. They'd blasted into Sunnydale High from whatever correctional facility they happened to be staying at; how they'd managed to make it into senior year as many times as they'd repeated grades and gotten expelled was beyond Xander. Still, it was hard to hate them when they went out of their way to aggravate the supremely dismal principal Snyder, whom the students and teachers all hated with a fiery passion.

Desperate for something other than what Sunnydale had to offer, Xander had started hanging out with Spike as soon as possible. Spike treated Xander like a little brother. He roughhoused him in the halls and gave him noogies and let him try cigarettes and drink beer and drive without a driver's license. Spike was in love with Drusilla, any fool could see that, and she certainly seemed attached to Spike, as much as Drusilla was attached to anything, vaguely crazy as she was. She could certainly get very angry though.

After Angel came into town, Spike was a bit more guarded. Through persistent prodding, however, Xander managed to get some of the story out of Spike. He and Angel went back to when they'd all met at parochial school when he and Dru were doing an early stint there. They'd all been attached to each other, although Xander had never quite figured out what that meant. Spike said enough to let Xander know that Angel had had one hell of a wild streak before something had happened to straighten him up.

They hadn't seen Angel in years. Spike didn't sound thrilled that he was back, but it was hard to tell, sometimes, with Spike.

* * *

_Oily marks appear on walls_

_Where pleasure moments hung before_

_The takeover_

_The sweeping insensitivity of this_

_Still life_

Angel and Buffy were sort-of dating, which Xander didn't understand. Willow was exasperated when he didn't get it, which was just another wedge that was appearing between them since Willow had found Oz, the cool guitarist guy. More and more, Xander felt like even his friends didn't need him. But how the hell was he supposed to understand a female thing without being female himself? Even Oz didn't understand, and Willow didn't give _him_ exasperated looks.

He hung out with Spike more, instead. Spike was fighting with Drusilla about something, some guy she was tangled up with who didn't care about her the way she cared about him. Spike didn't seem to mind that she was sleeping with someone else. "Me n' Dru have never been exactly mutually exclusive," Spike explained. That night, he'd dropped Xander home early because he went home with a girl he'd met. Drusilla wouldn't be there so she wouldn't care. Xander found this all exceedingly cold, but what did he know? It wasn't like he'd had any experience.

Instead of talking about relationships, he talked about anything else with Spike. Buffy had, however, taken it into her head that Xander didn't have enough male friends, so she'd encouraged Angel to hang out with him. Xander always felt like an idiot because whenever Angel was around he was usually so flustered he'd start stammering, which was a nervous habit he'd thought he'd dropped a long time ago.

But there was something very calming about Angel once you were alone with him, as Xander found out, something zen and tranquil. Angel wasn't just an artist, he was an art appreciator, and for once Xander could hold an entire conversation with someone about the artistic merits of George Lucas' storyboards in _Star Wars_ and not get stared at like a fully costumed Trekkie at Comic-Con. Was he just imagining the way Angel sat a little _too_ close to him on the couch, or how their hands touched and didn't draw back, the way Angel wouldn't look away from his eyes when they met?

Xander jerked off furiously to thoughts of Angel's hands, how big they were and the way that Angel would sometimes catch Xander's hands in his. The thoughts of those hands and the pressure of Angel's muscular thigh against Xander's knee was enough to have him cumming hard enough to see stars some nights. There were nights that they hung out together that Xander was certain Angel could feel the thrum that Xander felt under his skin when Angel was around, and there were nights when Xander was sure that Angel felt nothing at all.

Spike was the only person who'd guessed at Xander's secret, and he'd gone uncharacteristically serious with Xander one night and said flatly, "You don't want to get...tangled with Angel. It's hard to get untangled, and the people who do don't come out of it the same way that he does. He's...different," Spike said cryptically. When Xander tried to press, Spike refused to elucidate and instead clammed up and blasted the Sex Pistols to drown out Xander's questions.

That was how one night Xander dropped by Angel's apartment building. He usually went for long walks around Sunnydale, to escape his parents, and tonight he'd gone by the apartment buildings. There were only three of them in Sunnydale, and he knew through the town gossip vine that Angel, the weird art student (the neighbors tittered disapprovingly), lived in the middle-class of the three.

Xander peeked through windows to try to find Angel's living room so he'd know which apartment to go into when he'd noticed a bedroom window open and moaning coming from inside. Xander wasn't a peeping tom, normally, but he took a glance anyway, and froze. Angel and Drusilla were having passionate sex on the bed inside the window. There were a few candles lit, and Angel had very sexy red sheets Xander noticed.

Angel's sheets had dipped down, however, enough for Xander to see Angel's ass, which held his view captivated. Angel's muscular back dipped down to a perfectly shaped butt, and Xander's mouth positively watered as Angel's spread legs offered a glimpse down to that shadowed area where his balls were slapping wetly against Drusilla's crotch as he thrust strongly into her, his cock making wet noises that were somehow more arousing since Angel didn't know that he was there, watching.

Drusilla was writhing underneath him, rubbing her plump, full breasts against Angel's muscular chest. Xander was harder than he'd ever been in his life, and even though it felt dirty and wrong to stand there and _watch_ like a pervert he couldn't look away from Angel's perfect body, feeling cheated somehow that he couldn't see Angel's package, which, if Angel's sheer size and the loudness of Drusilla's moans were any indication, was just as enormous as Xander had fantasized.

He reached down, adjusted his cock, and a line of fire went from his dick to his balls, already drawn up tight. Just barely picturing himself underneath that gorgeous body, _his_ hands groping Angel's tight ass as Angel's cock pounded into him hard enough to make that slapping sound Angel's balls were making against Drusilla's ass was enough to drive Xander over the edge and he came in his pants like a horny 13 year old.

After that night, he began to see what Spike had meant. Angel was just as attentive to Buffy as always, just as flirtatious to Xander as always, and there was enough tension between Angel and Spike to cut a knife with. Maybe Buffy was just oblivious, but Xander thought he was catching on. The latest fight between his parents had left him shaken, and maybe that was enough to garner Xander enough courage to ask Angel one night if he'd ever been attracted to a guy before.

"Sure," Angel said easily, not bothered by the question. "Why do you ask?" He'd been a good listener, too, just like Spike drawing Xander's secret from him. Angel moved closer to him on the couch that they'd been sharing, and that was how he kissed Xander the first time, in that basement. Angel's lips were rough and lush and everything that Xander had imagined, the spark between them blazing into a glorious heat that rushed through him and he was suddenly hard and panting with want and Angel's tongue was in his mouth.

Angel's tongue was big and thick, too, and Xander sucked on it eagerly. Angel moved back, and Xander was afraid he'd done something wrong until he'd noticed that Angel's eyes were dark with lust, and something was bulging at his pants.

They hadn't spoken about it, but they still hung around each other after that. Angel wasn't hesitant in physically flirting anymore, and neither was Xander. As he drifted further away from Buffy and Willow he was drifting further into Angel.

His restless footsteps had taken him past Angel's apartment more often than not, where sometimes there would be Drusilla and sometimes other women. Once the window had been closed when Xander was sure he'd heard another man. He didn't look in anymore than he had that one time, though the temptation was there; he wasn't a peeking tom and he had no intention of becoming that sleazy. He could still cum hard enough to hurt thinking about what he'd seen that night, though.

That was nothing to the time the window was open and he'd heard Spike, however. Unable to stop himself from looking inside, Xander had frozen as he watched the back of Spike's head move to the blowjob he was giving to Angel while Angel moaned and made encouraging noises. Again his view of Angel was obstructed by another body, but now he knew that Angel had a treasure trail that Xander's mouth desperately wanted to follow. Spike moved up from Angel's crotch and Angel kissed him lustily, and Xander had left before cumming again, just so he could get home first.

He was falling for a man who he shouldn't fall for under any circumstances, but one doesn't choose who one falls in love with.

He didn't feel the least bit guilty when Angel kissed him again.

* * *

_Hide and seek_

_Trains and sewing machines_

_(Oh, you won't catch me around here)_

_Blood and tears:_

_They were here first_

Xander and his parents finally had their biggest brawl ever, when Xander came out to them. He had fought with Buffy and Willow that morning, about something completely stupid, and it was just a sign of that ending too. Everything ended in Sunnydale, like dreams and hopes of ever escaping, and Xander wasn't going to let that happen. It had all gone down as badly as he'd expected it to, but what he hadn't been counting on was the force behind his father's punch to the jaw that sent him tumbling to the ground.

His mother had, for once in her life, stepped up to Xander's aid, diverting his father long enough for Xander to get to his room. He left without looking back, and this time he didn't stop at Angel's window, instead, he knocked on the door. Angel opened after a moment, wearing a white button-up and black slacks, looking like he'd just stepped out of the shower. He looked absolutely mouthwatering.

"Come on in," he said genially, shutting the door behind him. Xander was relieved to find that there was no one else there, which would make this even easier. "What's that on your jaw?"

"It's commonly called a bruise," Xander said, dropping his bag. How to word this?

"Oh, man," Angel said, and suddenly Xander was being pulled into a hug, Angel's lips at his forehead, and for a moment he just wanted to give in and let Angel take over from here. But no. He was here for a reason, before he could let himself talk himself out of leaving, like he had so many times over the past two years. Xander disentangled himself from the hug and sat on Angel's couch, like he had so many times.

"This is... I don't know how to say this, so I guess direct is good." Xander fumbled for an opening. Angel sat close enough that their legs were brushing, and that made this so much easier, that easy, familiar flirtation. "I want you to make love to me," Xander said simply, meeting Angel's widened eyes. "I want it to be you. I've wanted you so badly for the past year, and...God, I really, really need this now, Angel."

"Why me?" Angel asked, looking startled. Xander shot him a look.

"The only one who doesn't know about you and everyone else is Buffy," Xander explained. "I know that you're not trying to hurt her, or me, or anyone else. It doesn't have to _mean_ anything."

Angel actually looked highly offended. "I don't _fuck_ anyone, Xander," he said angrily. "I don't sleep with people I don't care about." He backed away from Xander on the couch.

"I care about you, Angel," Xander said, taking Angel's hand. "And...I need this to be you, before...before anything else."

"You're asking me to take your virginity?" Angel guessed. Xander nodded, blushing. "Oh..." Angel's eyes had darkened with lust, Xander realized, and it sent shivers down his spine. "Are you _sure_, Xander? Sure that you want it to be me, that you—" Exasperated and frustrated and nervous, Xander did what he'd been longing to do and just straddled Angel's lap, letting his ass grind into Angel's crotch as his lips fell on Angel's with a starving man's hunger.

Angel responded just as enthusiastically, and Xander felt that warm flicker of flame fanning into being again. There was a hardness so large pressing against his ass and that was making him shudder and shake in delicious anticipation. Angel was the first to break the kiss, and Xander buried his head in Angel's strong neck as Angel ran soothing hands along Xander's back.

"When I do this, it means something," Angel said gently. "It means something to me and to you, and I want to make it so good you'll never forget it." His voice held randy promise in it that left Xander breathless with lust. "I know that you're a virgin...as you might've guessed, that kind of excites me," Angel said. He wasn't ashamed of it, either, what he was saying, just stating fact, which was making this whole thing so comforting and regular and less awkward. "But we're going to take this very, very slowly, to make sure that you're comfortable, okay?"

"Okay," Xander said. Angel captured his lips again, a promise, a pact, and then he was leading Xander to his bedroom.

* * *

_Mm, what you say?_

_Mm, that you only meant well?_

_Well, of course you did_

_Mm, what you say?_

_Mm, that it's all for the best?_

_Oh, well of course it is_

_Mm, what you say?_

_Mm, that it's just what we need—_

_And you decided this?_

_Mm, what you say?_

_What did she say?_

"So, what exactly do you know about what I'm gonna do here?" Angel asked, after Xander had laid back on his large, comfortable bed. The window was closed tonight, thank god. Angel had lit a few candles and left a lava lamp on for illumination, and the romance of the situation wasn't lost on Xander. He felt guilty for accusing Angel of cheating on Buffy when he knew that to Angel's mind it was so much more than that. Angel genuinely cared about him. He could hold onto that.

"Um...I know enough to guess the mechanics," Xander admitted, shamefaced. Angel chuckled softly, muttering "mechanics" under his breath.

"First, Xander, I'm going to kiss you until you're so hard for me that I can feel you, all needy and wanting beneath my hand," Angel informed him, his tone taking on a sexy teacher vibe that had Xander already squirming as blood rushed to his cock. Angel was as good as his word, too, his lips a line of fire on Xander's mouth, devouring him unashamedly, Angel's tongue doing a fair impression of a conquering king as he invaded Xander's mouth, teasing Xander's tongue to play, to tangle with Angel's marvelously thick appendage, tasting the spice of Angel's mouth, the faint tang of the occasional cigarette.

Angel's large hand trailed over Xander's chest, tickling Xander's sensitive nipples through the material of Xander's shirt, making Xander gasp. Angel took the opportunity to plunge his tongue even deeper into Xander's mouth as that large hand made its way to Xander's crotch, tracing the bulge there, finding Xander hard enough to break rocks. "Hmm," Angel hummed happily. "I'm going to have to get a toy out," he told Xander as he broke the kiss, his lips red and kiss-ripened. "You're so eager." He sounded endlessly pleased and aroused by this, and Xander fell back on the pillows, catching his breath as Angel opened a small box on his dresser. He took out something small that Xander couldn't see, a bottle of lubricant, and a condom in a bright red wrapper. These he placed on his bedside table.

"Xander, what I'm going to do now is undress you," Angel explained, still in his lusciously sexy teacher-voice, and Xander nodded like a zombie under Angel's spell. Angel smiled gently, lust burning in his dark eyes, as he moved Xander's arms above his head to lift Xander's tee-shirt off. He kissed Xander gently as his questing fingers tickled through Xander's armpit hair, trailing down to his chest. He tweaked Xander's nipples experimentally and Xander bucked, writhing beneath him. Angel grinned wickedly. "Sensitive there, are you?" he asked rhetorically, before he leaned down and suckled one harshly, his teeth teasing it to sensitivity. Xander groaned loudly and ground into Angel's thigh before he was cumming hard, his sigh of both achievement and loss buried in Angel's bicep.

"I'm sorry," Xander sobbed, after he came down. Angel chucked him under the chin like a child and kissed him again.

"Don't worry, baby," he said tenderly. "We have all night. And you're gonna get it back real soon," Angel promised. He unbuckled Xander's soiled jeans and slowly shucked them off, his hungry eyes devouring every inch of Xander's exposed flesh. Xander shivered, amazed to feel his own arousal beginning to return. Angel slowly moved his hands through Xander's leg hairs, tickling each one with sensation, his huge, massaging hands returning to Xander's thighs to bunch up Xander's boxers, the front of which were soaked with Xander's cum. Angel chuckled again as he removed Xander's underwear, too, leaving Xander naked on Angel's bed, spread out like a feast that Angel was eying hungrily.

Angel's huge hands that he'd fantasized about so much lately stroking his half-hard cock was all it took to have Xander back at full-mast, dripping precum as his exuberant erection signaled its hello to the world. Xander wasn't huge, probably about 7 ½ inches, probably average thick and normal balls, but he wasn't ashamed at all as Angel stared him up and down like he was the big bad wolf about to jump on Xander.

Angel's hands found something on the table and Xander watched in fascination as Angel revealed a tiny harness. He wrapped one leash around the base of Xander's cock, keeping Xander's erection, and the other he looped around Xander's still-tight balls. "Now you won't cum till you want to, baby," Angel explained, lightly kissing him again. Xander shuddered and moaned, sweat breaking out on his forehead at the light bondage.

Angel was moving toward him again and the lust in his eyes gave Xander the confidence he needed to move back slightly. Angel stared at him, inquisitive, and Xander hoarsely rasped, "Please, Angel, let me...I want to _see_ you!" Angel grinned at him in understanding as he moved Xander off of the bed, till Xander was standing next to him. Then Angel lounged back on the bed, spreading his legs to show off the bulge in the middle, and he spread his arms, allowing Xander to do what he wanted.

First, Xander took off Angel's socks. Angel's feet were enormous and Xander laid a gentle kiss on the top of one. Angel shuddered, and Xander, gratified, slowly traced the contours of Angel's Grecian model face, lingering on those perfect lips that he had kissed, and Angel surprised him but reaching out and lightly licking Xander's fingers. Xander was shaking as he unbuttoned Angel's shirt and Angel watched him with approving eyes. Xander finally revealed that strong chest to himself, finally was able to touch and caress, and _taste_. God, the _taste_ of Angel was addictive, the way that skin flinched and shuddered beneath his lips and tongue as Xander nipped at Angel's large, dark nipples, the way that Angel moaned when Xander finally, _finally_ trailed that treasure trail to Angel's slacks. He slowly pulled them away to find that Angel wore no underwear, and his cock slapped meatily back against Angel's stomach as Xander removed his pants.

Angel's cock was enormous, at least 10 inches long, probably more, thicker than what Xander had imagined. It was so wonderfully formed, the head thick and glistening with precum, the long shaft that led to a pair of mouthwatering balls that hung low from Angel's cock, lightly dusted with hair. Xander moaned at the sight, and Angel sighed, "That's right, baby, look at it – you don't want to just look at it, Xander, you want to _touch_ it don't you? That's right, baby, don't be ashamed, touch me, god, touch me." He was encouraging as Xander slowly reached out his hand and his shaking fingers lightly touched that massive, proud column of meat that he'd been fantasizing about for so long.

"Taste it," Angel ordered him, reading Xander's mind. Xander leaned in, inhaling the scent of Angel's cock, and flicked his tongue out at the tip to catch the glistening cum there. Angel's cum was sweeter than Xander expected, and he moaned, licking up and down that cock like it was a lollipop. Angel threw his head back and gasped as Xander reached those balls he was so curious about and he licked them too. Angel seemed to love it when Xander took one of them in his mouth, and he alternated them like a game of marbles.

"God, I want you to suck my cock," Angel sighed. Xander grinned up at him and Angel grinned back.

"I don't know how," Xander said coyly, baiting him. Angel gripped his hair lightly.

"You want me to teach you how to be a good cocksucker, baby?" Angel asked. "How to take my big cock down as far as you want to go?" Xander moaned throatily and Angel grinned. "Open your mouth and I'll show you, baby," he encouraged. Xander let him guide his mouth onto Angel's cock, learning through Angel's gentle instruction how far to go, how to not gag, how to swallow around the head, which Angel loved, judging from how he tossed his head and groaned his encouragement. Inspired, Xander sucked as hard as he could on the head, drinking down Angel's sweet-tasting cum until Angel jerked his head off.

Xander's lips made a wet smacking noise and he would've been embarrassed if he wasn't so turned on. Xander's cock, trapped in Angel's cage, was so hard he knew that the second Angel wanted him to cum he would. "I don't want to cum yet, baby," Angel explained, breathing hard. He pulled Xander up to him and kissed him greedily, stealing his flavor back, which was so hot that Xander moaned again.

They laid there like that for a small bit of time, until Angel's breathing was back under control. His cock was still glistening with spit, and it made Xander giddy to think about. "That was amazing, baby, but now it's time for something even better," Angel promised. Xander nodded eagerly. "Do you want to do this face to face or on your knees?" Angel asked him gently. Angel's unabashed desire kept Xander's embarrassment at bay.

"Face to face," Xander said. "I want to see you," he explained. Angel smiled and kissed him again.

"Okay, baby," he said tenderly. "I want you on the bed with your legs spread, showing me your little hole. Put a pillow underneath you to lift you up a little more." There was something so _dirty_ and so _hot_ about the way Angel was instructing him, and yet there was such an incredible tenderness on Angel's face that made Xander feel more safe, warmer, welcomed, _loved_ than he had in so long...He exposed his most intimate parts to Angel, unashamed. "That's so hot, Xander; you're doing so well," Angel praised him.

Angel slowly coated his long, thick fingers in lube. "What I'm going to do now is prepare you a little for me. I'm gonna hurt you, Xander; I'm big, and the first time always hurts a little. But it'll feel so good when we're done, baby, so good. Just trust me?" Angel was asking him, giving him the freedom to leave if he chose. Xander smiled and took Angel's slick and and guided it to where he instinctively knew it needed to go. Angel groaned throatily and plunged his middle finger up to the second knuckle into Xander's ass.

Xander gasped in shock, unsure; at first, it felt strange, this intrusion, but as Angel started to move, simulating fucking with his long, thick finger, it felt..._good_. His ass was unconsciously gripping Angel to keep him where he was, and Angel chuckled hoarsely. "Not going anywhere, baby," he promised, and then there was a _second_ finger, and his ass burned slightly as it was stretched, but, God, so good, so good...Xander's head tossed on Angel's red cotton pillows, and Angel watched him with a hooded gaze as he added a _third_ finger, fucking Xander hard on his hand, watching Xander lose control at the sensation.

That was when he crooked a finger and lightly brushed Xander's sweet spot. Xander bucked off the bed and yelled in pleasure as he saw stars, his balls tightening resentfully beneath their leather cage, keeping him from cumming as he so longed to do. Angel did this a few more times before he carefully withdrew his fingers.

"Okay, baby," Angel said, once Xander had returned to earth from his frustrated orgasm. "I'm going to roll the condom on now, and then I'm going to enter you." Xander giggled nervously, and Angel smiled too. "But if it's too much, if you don't want it, then tell me and we'll stop, alright?" Xander nodded, his nerves returning as Angel rolled the rubber onto his horse-sized cock. The thought of that monster in his ass was enough to set Xander's nerves on fire in both pleasure and pain. "Okay," Angel said.

He leaned in and kissed Xander softly, nudging Xander's legs apart until they were cradling him. Xander felt Angel's impossibly huge cock nudging at his hole and he shivered nervously. Angel kissed him quiet, murmuring against Xander's lips, and suddenly there was a burning fiery pain and Xander was hissing but then Angel was past the guardian ring an his huge, blunt cockhead was buried in Xander's ass, brushing Xander's prostate and making him yell with pleasure. "We're in, baby, we're in," Angel whispered, trembling with the effort to hold himself still.

Xander held Angel close, comforting _him_ as he whispered in his ear, "Please, Angel, please," and Angel sighed with relief and lust and pleasure as he slowly, slowly moved. There was pain, yes, but that lovely sensation that being fucked was was back, and Angel's huge member nudged Xander's pleasure center with every slow, smooth thrust. It was better than fantasy; the pain was falling away and Xander followed his desires to clench Angel's gorgeous ass in his hands as Angel began to move faster and faster.

They were both moaning and sweating and heaving; Xander had never felt such glorious power as he had over Angel in that moment as Angel thrust his huge cock deep into Xander. Xander clenched him tight and Angel howled as he pulled back and slammed back in, his gentleness forgotten as Xander slapped his ass, driving him on, making Angel's balls slap loudly and wetly against Xander's ass. The pain was like riding a constant high, making him moan and his cock futilely leak fluid as the straps stopped him from cumming.

Angel rode him like a madman, moaning Xander's name, thrusting in hugely, smacking Xander's ass with his hand as he slammed into him over and over, fucking his way to heaven as he told Xander breathlessly. It was a blur of candlelight and bliss and pain and Angel's gorgeous features as Angel gasped into Xander's ear, "I'm going to cum, baby, you're gonna squeeze it out of me, gonna make me fill you up with my cum, god, Xander, love you, want you, oh, god," and then Xander was holding Angel as the other man shuddered and yelled, his cock pulsating strangely in Xander's ass.

They stayed that way for a moment, Xander holding him as Angel stayed connected to him intimately. "Are you alright?" Xander gasped, his cock so hard it hurt. Angel grinned deliriously as he nodded, before he looked down at Xander. Still inside Xander, he reached down and light wiped some cum with his finger from the leaking edges of the condom and Xander obediently sucked the sweet liquid down. Angel's eyes burned as he whipped the straps off of Xander's cock and said, "Cum for me, Xander, _now_," and then he thrust his still-hard cock harder than ever as he rode out Xander's orgasm. It was the longest orgasm of Xander's life, striping his belly and chest with cum.

The last thing Xander remembered before passing out was Angel leaning down and licking him clean, kissing him and reassuring him, still connected so intimately, held and loved and wanted. Xander slept peacefully for the first time in months.

* * *

_Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth_

_Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs_

_Speak no feeling, no, I don't believe you_

_You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit_

Xander woke up wrapped in Angel's strong arms, his ass aching but he felt so wonderful that he didn't care. Angel sighed and snuggled closer when Xander moved, and Xander smiled tenderly as he snuggled back.

"You're leaving, aren't you?" Angel asked, holding him loosely.

"Yeah. One of those things that I have to do," Xander said. He felt sad unexpectedly. Angel wasn't just a friend now, he was more. More than Xander had expected.

"How are you feeling?" Angel asked now.

"Wonderful. Better than...Thank you, Angel. Not just for last night, but for everything," Xander murmured, matching Angel's soft tone.

"I love you," Angel answered, and Xander knew that he meant it, in his way. Xander kissed him for that. "Maybe you could come back some time? Or write? You have my address," Angel said, kissing him back.

"That's definitely on the menu," Xander agreed, and he surprised himself by meaning it.

"Good luck," Angel said, releasing him.

"Goodbye," Xander said, taking one more kiss.

The sun was shining brightly over Sunnydale as he left. Walking hurt a bit, but it was a good ache. Xander walked past Willow's house, where he used to play, and he was comforted by Oz's van in the driveway. They weren't as close as they had been, but it was good to know that she had someone to care for her. Buffy would have Angel, and if not Angel then someone else. Buffy was good at finding friends, even if she didn't admit it. He smiled to himself, keeping Angel's kiss with him as he headed toward the bus station and a new day where anything was possible – even coming back here to keep a promise to a beautiful artist.

**End**

**A/N:** _So, there you have it, folks – the complete Winter Song, from inception to conclusion. Thank you so much for sticking with me through this, and I hope to see you all in the first chapter of "Crystal," Winter Song's sequel. In case you skipped ahead to this part, I'll reiterate – I won't post the first chapter of "Crystal" until I'm at least five chapters ahead of myself, so that way we'll be cutting back on long waits in between chapters._

_Until then, peace and love. And a hot sex scene, if I do say so myself. See you soon!_

Thanks—

PyroPadawan (Pfenix-Goddess).

**Song used in this story:** "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap [_Speak for Yourself_]


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